The Smittblog

Meet The Cromarties

2010-03-05T07:02:00.005-05:00

When not playing the cornerback position at a particularly average level, the Jets new DB likes to reproduce.
Woke up to find that the Jets traded for Antonio Cromartie. That's nice. A worthwhile gamble on a once sterling talent who has fallen off the map in recent years (including last year when he was an out-n-out liability). But the details of the trade were not what caught my attention. Nope, instead this is what caught my attention:

San Diego also had grown tired of Cromartie's maturity issues, with the former Florida State product fathering seven children by five different women.

I'm sorry, come again (pun NOT intended)? Antonio Cromartie is 25 years-old and he has 7 kids with 5 women? Ho-lee shit. Wouldn't you think he would've learned his lesson after, I don't know, kid number 5, maybe 6?

Ladies of New York lock up your daughters. Antonio and his magic seed are coming to town.

Hey Pablo! You're Looking... Fit?

2010-02-22T20:42:00.007-05:00

The Giants prescribed a new nutrition and fitness regimen for the Panda this off-season. The result? Well, I guess he's less fat-ish.

Pablo Sandoval is a burgeoning superstar and one of the young cornerstones of the SF franchise. He also likes to eat--a lot. So when the Giants created an off-season diet and fitness regimen, affectionately referred to as "Operation Panda", some folks were skeptical. Well Panda showed up to Spring Training for this week and the reviews are, well, mixed:

"...trainer Dave Groeschner said Sandoval has made strides since the start of a diet-and-exercise program dubbed "Operation Panda," Groeschner confirmed what is obvious to anyone who looks at the 23-year-old infielder: Sandoval has not reached his desired weight, believed to be 250 pounds.

Sandoval reportedly dropped 12 pounds during an intensive training session here in November. He then went to Venezuela to play winter ball. Upon his return, he said he regained only one pound during the trip and ate healthier - but his progress stalled."

So yeah, Operation Panda was an embarrassing failure. But at least he looks better than he did at the Giants Halloween party*:

*May not actually be Pablo Sandoval

Song From the New Nike Commercial

2010-02-21T23:45:00.002-05:00

You've probably heard this song on the new Nike commercial. I enjoyed it enough to post the thing in its entirety. The song is "Ali in the jungle" by The Hours. Good tune, though I wish they ripped a little more coming out of the first refrain.

Does ACC Basketball Suck? Why Yes It Does!

2010-02-21T21:27:00.005-05:00

Dated? Yes. Inappropriate? Meh, maybe. Accurate? F'n eh right it is.
Let's break this down. The best team in the league, Duke, got KILLED by the arguably the 4th best team (7th in the standings) in the Big East in Georgetown. That same Duke team also lost to William & Mary early in the season and at North Carolina State, the worst team in the ACC.

The next best team by overall record, Va Tech, got worked by Temple at home and got destroyed by a terrible North Carolina team.

Maryland, probably the second best team in the ACC, lost at home to William & Mary and lost to a Cincinnati team that is probably the 9th best team in the Big East (a team that was playing much worse earlier in the season than they are now).

And finally, Wake, probably the last team in the ACC with a shot to do anything in the tournament, also lost to William and Mary (how f'n good is that team this year?), got killed by NC State and was just plain not competitive against Duke.

Other than maybe Duke's win over a bad UConn team, Clemson's win over Butler and Florida State's win over Marquette, what big wins does that conference have? None.

Normally this conference is Duke, UNC, MD/GT/WF and everyone else. This year it's Duke(?) and a whole bunch of chicken and feces sandwiches sans chicken. I like this year.

Tiger: What we (fans) are "owed"

2010-02-21T16:43:00.005-05:00

I wanted a blanket apology out of Tiger not because I was entitled but because Tiger is a person and that's what people do.

Before I get into the meat, a quick aside:

Oh Tigre, you and your whorish ways. I've known a man-whore or two in my day but good gravy man, you REALLY lika da women, eh? I'm glad you've found the help you need in your pseudo-therapeutic southern hovel. Back in the olden days (or modern Saudi Arabia) they sent whores to death or fastened giant letters to their lapels. Today we send our high-priced whores to Alabama and prescribe bunkbeds and long chats about our feelings with strangers. Now don't get me wrong, I do believe sex addiction is real (if you don't believe it, check out this account via a Deadspin commenter. That shit is real, and painful.) I just don't believe Tigre is an addict. The guy is in need of therapy and perhaps an intervention but only to get rid of the people in charge of controlling his every move. He's a fucking robot mess. That press conference sounded exactly like the one R2-D2 gave after he got caught jamming his tool probe in C3PO's exhaust valve. Digression...

Anyhoo, the media has taken an interesting tact with respect to Tiger's actions. Many (maybe even most) have asked, "Why is Tiger apologizing to us? He doesn't owe us anything." In fact, if you do a search on Google News for "Tiger 'doesn't owe'" you get about 12000 articles. And many of the "he doesn't owe us" crowd have intimated that we, Joe Fan, feel entitled to the apology and it is us who is not "owed" this apology. Well sirs, to that I say go fuck yourself.

Let's get away from the fact that the best golfer in the world isn't golfing right now and his hiatus is indefinite, so as a pure sports story we as sports fans really want to know what's going on. If Dustin Pedroia wasn't in the lineup for the month of April and then showed up in early May, I think someone would probably expect him to explain what the hell happened. And if the absence was because of his own "bad act" (or say because he slept with a dozen hookers) then we'd probably expect him to be sorry that his actions took him away from the game. But be that as it may, I don't feel I am "owed" anything. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that none of us who expected to hear an apology from Tiger have been standing outside his door with our front foot tapping impatiently waiting for him to come out and bow his head apologetically to atone for his indiscretions. I never felt hurt or betrayed so I don't feel entitled to an apology. But I did expect one and would have thought it absurd had he not.

The reason is not because of my passion for sports but because Tiger Woods is a very public sports figure who had a very public fuck up. A fuck up so great that he had to take a lengthy hiatus from his sport and no one knows when he will return. In these situations the rules of our society for public figures require that you stand up in front of a camera and say that what you did was stupid. That's how it works. I didn't make the rules and I didn't sign a contract with the PGA requiring all philanderers apologize after they get caught. History has shown me how this works so now I expect it. It's not a matter of his responsibility to me as much as it is his responsibility in general. That's it. End of story.

What I find most troubling about the media slant is that many a sports talk person uses this example to suggests that we should merely like the athlete for their accomplishments because most of them are dirtbags, so if we really knew them we would be disappointed. I'm sure they're right. But the idea that most people can simply separate the personality of the player from their accomplishments is pretty naive. For most people, their favorite player is not only good but he contributes to charity and he is scrappy or hustles or has magical leadership intangibles despite clear defensive flaws or he just looks like he's having so much fun out there. You don't love the back of the baseball card you love the whole package. Bert Favor wouldn't be old Bert if he answered questions in monotone staccato and frowned like Eli Manning on the field. Tim Duncan is arguably the greatest Power Forward in history but because he's got the personality of a lima bean no one likes him (WE HEAR even Tim Duncan's mom thinks he's about as exciting as chamomile tea--Pro Football Talk'd!). I'm sorry but with sports stars you can't separate the personality from performance.

What is also amusing to me is that these same sports folk who call out the fan for our inability to separate personality from performance CANNOT themselves separate the person from their accomplishments. Just look at the baseball Hall of Fame vote. Jim Rice waited 15 years to get into the Hall because he acted like a dick for 10 years. Michael Kay tells me that most baseball players are bad guys so we should only respect what they do on the field but he hates Mike Mussina and can't possibly speak about him objectively because of a few bad locker room experiences and he won't say a bad word about A-Rod because A-Rod sent flowers to his mom's funeral. So don't you fucking dare lecture me about separating the person from the sport bucko.

But rather than dwell on media hypocrisy, let's take the next step of the media take and agree that he doesn't need to apologize. So let me get this straight, you knuckleheads would prefer he just show up to the FBR next weekend, sign in and head out for a practice round? Yes, I'm sure no one would say shit about that. There's not enough indignation available on earth to fuel the columns that would be written in that scenario (we'd have to send a space ship to Pandora to mine for "indignation" after they scrape up the last of the unobtanium). Headlines in the papers (they still make those things, right?) would read, "HE OWES US AN EXPLANATION!" And you know who the "us" is in that scenario, THE FUCKING SPORTS MEDIA. Not me. Not you. The person most interested in hearing an apology and explanation is the person responsible for writing the column or creating the buzz on the radio or whatever f'n platform they have.

Now don't get me wrong, if Tigre just flat-out ignored society's requirement that he apologize for all of this then I'd be taken aback as a sports fan. But again, my surprise wouldn't be because I feel entitled to hear from him as much as I'm just surprised that he thinks he can get away from this shitstorm without an explanation. That may be semantics to some but it's a big difference to me.

So please don't tell me I'm not "owed" an apology when I never said I was entitled to one. All I ask is that Tigre play by the same rules as everyone else who's fucked up. Oh, and Tigre, while you're up there, I wouldn't mind hearing about those threeways.

The Smittblog's Back...?

2010-02-21T16:36:00.005-05:00

Trust me fella, no one's as shocked as I am

Well here we go again. Without getting too deeply into the fray of what's occurred over the almost two years since I stopped writing here, I'll simply say that it's been a long hiatus but I think I've found away to get back to writing at least a couple times a week. I'm not sure how good it'll be (not that it was good the first time) or how long it'll last but I'm givin er a go. Without further ado, blog words...

Tom Cable: A Lesson In Underthinking

2008-10-22T20:20:00.002-05:00

In one decision Tom Cable proved he's not fit for the job.
Many coaches can be rightfully accused of overthinking a situation but in rare instances overthinking leads to underthinking. Overthinking sometimes involves going for two in the second quarter to go up 9 points instead of 8 or putting on a hit and run with a large struggling lefthander at the plate when your hottest hitter is hitting behind him. If it works, great. If not, you look like an idiot. Well there is a trend in the NFL that has gained steam for some reason and it just redefines the concept of overthinking. It is the late timeout before a last minute kick.

If memory serves me correctly, this move was brought to prominence by Mike Shanahan in a game against the Raiders. He called a late timeout, Seabass kicked it anyway, it went through the uprights, the Raiders rejoiced but all was for naught because the refs ruled that Shanahan had called the timeout just prior to the kick. Of course the next time Janikowski teed it up he hit the upright and the Broncos went on to win. The move was celebrated as genius and copied by every half-wit coach in the NFL ever since. The move is really just an extreme extension of the “ice the kicker” mantra, the effectivenesss of which is purely subjective. Whatever you believe about the effectiveness doesn’t really matter for the purpose of my argument. The real problem I have is that using this technique should not be automatic, and in fact it loses its effectiveness in certain situations that come up frequently and STILL some idiots just use it because they feel they’re supposed to.

During the Raiders v. Jets game this past Sunday, the Jets were down 3 with about a minute left and were being led up the field by quarterback Bert Favor with no timeouts. With 8 seconds left on 2nd & 10, Bert threw an incomplete pass to Brad Smith. This left 3rd & 10 with 8 seconds left and put the Jets on the outside limit of Jay Feely’s range (about a 51-52 yard attempt). After a moment or two of indecision about whether to run one more play to pick up 2-3 more yards, the Jets hurried their field goal team onto the field as the play clock wound down. With the Jets barely able to get into position to kick and Feely rushing in to line up for his first 50 yard attempt of the season, Tom Cable called a timeout a fraction of a second before the Jets snapped the ball. Feely kicked it anyway and the ball hit the crossbar and bounced back no good. On his next try, he nailed it and sent the game into overtime.

Well what does this prove? Not a whole hell of a lot if you believe that icing the kicker is still the best route to go and Feely just happened to overcome it. But I would ask this: what is more disconcerting / distracting to a kicker? Calling a timeout so he can think about the kick or forcing him to rush onto the field and kick his longest field goal of the year in the last seconds of a game with time running out on the play-clock? Call me crazy but I prefer the latter if I’m the defending team. The kicker has no time to visualize the kick (not to mention that Feely stated after the game that he was able to measure the kick after his first try went awry), the line has very little time to setup and so many more things can go wrong when a team is rushed. I know that special teams players practice this stuff all the time and are “rushed” onto the field for every try, but this situation presents some extenuating circumstances that a normal try would not.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m making a whole lot out of nothing but to me this is the perfect example of someone who is unable to make a reasoned decision under stressful circumstances and instead falls back into trendy coach mode. It’s a move that reeks of overthinking on its face but is truly the product of underthinking and a lack of preparedness to deal with every situation that may come up.

"We're" Back! (we = me)

2008-10-09T09:22:00.001-05:00

I've been off for awhile but with the Sox in the playoffs and football in full swing (not to mention that 'Cuse is f'n terrible), I figured it's time for me to re-enter to 'osphere. I'll probably start off slowly but things will get going as the leaves begin to turn.

Damaso Marte: Fastball So Good He Can Change History

2008-07-27T08:52:00.006-05:00

A-Rod likened Damaso Marte to a Yanks lefty teammate from yesteryear. The only problem is that The Rod wasn't on that team.
I'm not sure A-Rod has done enough in his Yankee career to call himself a True Yankee (whatever the fuck that means), but even if/when he does reach this acclaimed status I don't think it allows him to "we" himself onto the Yankees championship teams of yore. But that's just what old Rod did yesterday when remarking about Damaso Marte:

Rodriguez was very impressed with Marte going after - and getting - Ortiz, which is something the Yankees haven't had much success doing.

"He has pretty electric stuff," Rodriguez said. "We haven't had that since [Mike] Stanton in the late 1990s."

No "we" haven't, Rod because "we" weren't on that Yankees team in the late 90's and Stanton wasn't on your Mariners Squad of the late 90's. It may not be easy to take, Divorcée-Rod, but you aren't automatically imputed onto a team you weren't on because you played for the yanks for a couple years.

Manny: "Manhandling" For Cash In The Clubhouse (Pun!)

2008-07-24T09:55:00.003-05:00

It seems last evening Manny was practicing for life without baseball.
Even on days he's not playing Manny continues to be the be-all-end-all of goofy antics. Within his story relating the tale of how it came to be that Manny was not in the Sox' lineup yesterday in Seattle (it seems his right knee is acting up again), Globe reporter Gordon Edes couldn't help himself but add a quick little note about the scene he witnessed in the clubhouse while gathering information for the story:

Before the game, Ramírez told reporters his knee has been bothering him for about a week, but Francona said he had not been receiving treatment, not even for his hamstrings, in the last few days.

"I've just been trying to play it out," Ramírez said while jokingly singing for tips at his locker in the clubhouse, with his iPod docked to a speaker and a cup put out for donations from teammates. "I decided it was time to give it a rest."

Asked if he would be ready for the Yankees series, which begins tomorrow, Ramírez said, "I don't know. I'm day to day at this point."

Daisuke Matsuzaka, for one, was sufficiently impressed by Ramírez's musical talents that he placed some money in the cup.

I don't know what this town is going to do when Manny gets shipped out of here this offseason. No one in sports is as interesting on a day-to-day basis as Manny Ramirez.

Ask And You Shall Receive

2008-07-20T10:40:00.003-05:00

Wrestler Cactus Jack asks the crowd to provide him with a chair so he can beat his opponent with it. The crowd responds as only a wrestling crowd would be expected to. They throw every single chair in the arena into the ring.

Chase Utley Fits Right In

2008-07-15T09:12:00.002-05:00

Boo? Fuck you!
This is so fantastic I don't even know where to begin. So great in fact was Chase's response that it spawned a t-shirt.

I've ordered a dozen.

The Post Tells Brian Fuentes What Team He Prefers To Be Traded To Even Though He Has No Preference

2008-07-12T10:01:00.007-05:00

Though Brian Fuentes explicitly stated otherwise, the NY Post declared that he would prefer to be traded to the Yanks.
In an article entitled "Fuentes prefers Yankees", NY Post writer Bart Hubbuch takes some liberties with a direct quote from the top available relief talent on the trade market, Rockies closer Brian Fuentes.

The article discusses Fuentes efforts to learn more about the NY baseball atmosphere after hearing the Yanks and Mets tossed around in the newspapers as potential trade destinations (apparently he called Mets closer Billy Wagner and asked him what it's like to play in NYC). About 2/3rds the way through the article, and having shown no indication that Fuentes was leaning towards the Mets or Yanks (other than the fact that he sought out Billy Wagner), Hubbuch makes a somewhat bold leap of faith as to Fuentes's preferences between the teams:

Given his choice of destinations, though, Fuentes said it would be the Yankees.

"I've never played in Yankee Stadium," he told The Post. "I have no preference, but putting on the pinstripes would be something special by itself."

Maybe I missed something there, but not only did Fuentes not say that the Yankees would be his "choice of destination," he spoke directly to the matter and specifically said "I have no preference...." Now, call me crazy but the rest of the statement in no way outlines his preference to either team ("putting on the pinstripes would be something special all by itself."). In fact, that statement is just nonsense. It offers no insight whatsoever and instead is simply a veiled declaration of reverence towards the organizational history, which I believe all free agents or trade-bait players are contractually obligated to do or else their agents will kill them.

The Post is known for creating much from not much, but how Bart Hubbuch got "I prefer" from "I have no preference" is not creative reporting, it's simply wrong.

Want Some Home Run Derby Intrigue? Let Dustin Pedroia Take 'Em On

2008-07-07T20:33:00.006-05:00

I mean, the guy creates lightning with his bat. Can Dan Uggla do that?
Other than Chase Utley, the list of this year's Home Run Derby participants (brought to you by State Farm!) is a who's who of who's who? I mean, baseball diehards (the same people who passionately dislike everything about the All-Star Game from the selection process to the importance of the outcome) will recognize every name and cite with encyclopedic precision their favorite Fantasy Baseball moment of each player participating. But for the casual fan (the type the networks are trying to convince to watch), the names Lance Berkman, Josh Hamilton, Dan Uggla and Grady Sizemore have about as much collective draw as Mike Greenberg did hosting the ~~hit~~ canceled game show "Duel."

What the contest needs is something interesting to bring back some of the juice that was lost when Divorcée-Rod™ (trademark pending) backed out because he didn't want it to F up his swing (No big whooop. It's not like you're the biggest player on the team hosting the game in Yankee Stadium's last season ever. I'm sure Mick and Babe would've backed out too, pussy.). With "The Rod" on the sideline, the Derby needs something big (or little) to add a little freak show quality to the event. In the same way the Dunk Contest upped the ante with Spud Webb and Nate Robinson when the best athletes started pulling out of the contest, the Home Run Contest would be much more entertaining if you added people who can do things they aren't supposed to be able to. Dustin Pedroia is that guy.

At 5'7" and about a buck 60 soaking wet, Dustin Pedroia is smaller than many of the bat boys and ball girls in most stadiums. When you see him on the field standing next to guys like Mike Lowell or A-Rod, it's just comical. He's small but on a Major League ball field his lack of size is exacerbated tenfold. But for all his failings in growth, the little shit can hit. In the last month, only 9 players in the Majors had a higher slugging percentage than Pedroia (50 ABs or more). For the season he's got more extra base hits than Vlad, has a higher slugging percentage than many 3-4 hitters (Ibanez, Beltre, Abreu, Tejada and Jack Cust, just to name a few) and swings like he's trying to hit the ball through the wall every time he takes a cut. In fact, baseball TV guys are contractually obligated to mention how hard he swings every time he steps to the plate (oh, they're not? well then why the fuck do the insist on saying it every fucking time he steps to the plate...? Ohhhhh, right... because all national baseball broadcasters are assholes. Well I guess that makes sense.). When you break the numbers right down, Pedroia is about as qualified as anyone else invited to the game.

But beyond the qualifications there are two reasons why Pedroia should be in the event. The first was alluded to earlier: it would be great to watch. Assuming he doesn't just tank and hit warning track flies all day, it would be a fantastic advertisement for the Derby. No one gives a shit if Josh Hamilton or Dan Uggla hits a dozen home runs and no one will talk about it after the next day (in the same way no one gave a shit when Fred Jones won the dunk contest a couple years ago). But if Pedroia were to make a run in the contest or even just hit a couple shots out, a 5'7" miniature baseball player who swings like a beer league softball player is a great watch. And watchability is the core ingredient to the Home Run Derby. The second reason Pedroia would be a great selection is probably even a better one: he can win.

Pedroia wouldn't have to change a thing about his swing to hit a bunch of BP balls out. With the amount of scrutiny recently placed on "changing swings for the home run derby" and the correlation to reduced production in the second half of the season, players are now reticent to swing for the fences in the Home Run Derby for fear that they will tweak their swings and screw everything up. Dustin Pedroia does not have that fear. He also has a great Yankee stadium swing. He's a dead pull upper cut contact hitter. Unlike the other big home run hitters, he doesn't swing and miss and always makes good contact. He's got half the strikeouts of most other guys (and 1/3 the amount that Dan Uggla has presently) so unlike the other dudes he's much more likely to hit the ball squarely when he swings hard. He may not have the power but he's got the consistency.

At the end of the day, if Uggla or Utley or Hamilton wins the Home Run Derby, it'll be another name in the annals of the Derby and a footnote in the resume of those dudes (or perhaps the lead note in Uggla's resume) and whoever planned to watch the Derby before the participants were announced will still watch. If a 5'7" little piece of shit with a 6'5", 330lb swing is announced a competitor, people who had no interest will watch the sideshow, Pedroia will compete his ass off and with a little luck the most improbable home run derby champ in history will beat the big fellas. I'll take that over the entry of yet another former juicing meatstick any day.

Now That's A Photo

2008-07-04T19:22:00.000-05:00

That's just a cool picture, that's all that is.

Um Ron, Not Sure If You Noticed But That Rookie Pitcher You Shouldn't Have Put In Is Getting Shelled

2008-07-02T20:58:00.009-05:00

Hey Ron....? RW! Ron... RON! Yeah, that guy you just threw into a one run game at Yankee Stadium has an infinite ERA. You might want to start warming someone up.
I don't know a ton about managing a baseball team and I know even less about Ron Washington, but one thing I do know is that you don't throw a rookie into a one run game at Yankee Stadium to face the heart of the order when he's never thrown a pitch in the majors. What I learned tonight about Ron Washington is that he did not know that.

With the Rangers in front of the Yanks 7-6 heading into the bottom of the seventh, a mere 9 outs from securing a sweep of the Yanks on the road, and the 3-4-5 batters coming up, Rangers manager Ron Washington had a decision to make. With Josh Rupe likely out (he'd thrown 2 innings the previous night), does he throw Frank Francisco who'd thrown a scoreless inning the previous night but would've been pitching on his third straight day? Does he throw Easy Ed Guardado, who is more of a setup man than middle reliever or does he go to Jamey Wright, the veteran journeyman reliever. The decision was made a little more difficult because closer CJ Wilson was likely unavailable after having thrown in the previous three consecutive games. So Guardado was the likely replacement (assuming they needed to close). A pickle indeed but one that managers face daily. And with all these options available to Ron, he instead chose option Z: rookie pitcher Warner Madrigal.

You see the thing about Madrigal is not that he's any worse talentwise than any of the above listed options, it's that he'd never thrown a pitch in the major leagues before this moment. So rather than ease him into MLB service, Ron throws him into the fire choosing him over his seasoned veteran alternatives. You can probably guess what happened. Well it went something like this: Abreu - doubled, A-Rod walked, Giambi doubled (scoring Abreu & A-Rod), Posada doubled (scoring Giambi), and then Cano singled leaving 1st and 3rd with none out. Now what is amazing about this is not that Madrigal had an infinite ERA at this point and had just blown his first major league ballgame, though it will certainly be quite a memory for young Warner, but at this point in the game Ron Washington DID NOT HAVE ANYONE WARMING UP YET! Fortunately for Warner, he got an out when Betemit grounded out (Posada scored on the play). But after bouncing a wild pitch to previously hitless rookie Brett Gardner, it seemed Ron Washington had had enough and there was action in the bullpen. A pitch later and Gardner had his first hit (and RBI) and a slow walk to the mound after that, the Warner Madrigal experience had mercifully ended and a very unloose Jamey Wright was rushed into the game. Wright promptly gave up a hit, a walk and a 3 run home run to A-Rod and what once had been a Rangers win was now a Yanks blowout. It may have been the single worst managing job I've ever seen (no apologies to Grady Little who got a bad rap).

I'm not saying Ron Washington and the Rangers could have prevented what happened to them tonight. The Yanks did seem like a team on a mission (a mission to hit terribly pitched balls very long distances) and it is likely that any pitcher thrown into that game would have been in danger. But putting in a rookie to face 3 batters who have combined for more than 1,000 home runs in a one run game at Yankee Stadium may not have been the best call. You live and learn, Ronald. I hope you learned something tonight. I know I did.

The Celtics Did What?

2008-06-12T23:19:00.002-05:00

If I was fatter and had more hair, this would be exactly what I looked like when I flipped to the Celts game at midnight tonight.
Unlike the rest of New England fandom, I've never really been a fan of the Celtics. I liked Larry and all but I was a Michael fan more than anything (and a Drazen Petrovic fan) as a kid and never really fell in love with the Celts. The only reason I have any interest in this NBA Finals is because I think Kobe is the most loathsome Superstar I can ever remember dominating a sport (at least Tyson was interesting) and I root for ANYTHING to beat Kobe (a speeding car, Russia, Colorado law, the Celts... whoever). So it was with this interest in mind that I tuned in at 9:30 to catch the first quarter of the game in the hopes it would be interesting enough to catch my attention. It was not. I turned to 9:30 U.S. Open coverage with the absolutely INSUFFERABLE Chris Berman numbing my mind after the Celts went down 15 8 minutes into the game. At midnight I turned back to see if the game was over and saw the Celts up 3 with 45 seconds to go. I almost shit my pants. The next sequence featured Kobe fouling Pierce and complaining like a bitch, a ton of missed shots with Kobe complaining like a bitch and an unorganized scramble at the end of the game that reminded me of a JV Girls game featuring Kobe scowling like a bitch. It was very enjoyable 5 minutes and while I don't care what the Celts did or how they did it, I hope to everything that is Holy that they do it again.

JD Drew Is Partying Like It's 1997!

2008-06-12T21:27:00.003-05:00

These gals should have renamed their group "Handsome"... Right guys? am I right...? I'll show myself out.
Imagine it's 1997 and you're ripping down the street groovin to a new hit tune that you just can't get enough of from those crazy Brits "Chumbawumba" while still trying to get your head around your friend's suggestion that you sign up for what he described as "hotmail" so you can write to eachother on something called the "internet" (you are gay in this hypothetical world). All of the sudden you step in the street and get run over by a Toyota Camry, 1997's top selling car (yes, the world was a far different place in 1997) and fall into a coma. If you were to awake from that coma today, almost everything you knew or thought you knew would be completely different except for one truth: JD Drew is the best baseball player on the planet.

Coming into the 1997 MLB Amateur Draft (in distinct contrast to the MLB professional draft), JD Drew was perhaps one of the top 10 rated prospects ever to enter the draft. Here are a few quips from 1997 draft coverage (I scooped these news archives through Lexis or Westlaw, so providing links is pointless as most of you won't be able to access them and those that can could research it yourselves):

By all accounts, J.D . Drew is the most talented, most polished player available in today's major league draft.

He's regarded by many scouts as the best college outfielder ever. He's the only Division I player to hit 30 home runs and steal 30 bases in the same season. And he's simply a wonderful person, says his Florida State coach.

........

Florida State outfielder J.D. Drew is universally acknowledged as the best player in the draft. Drew is the coverboy on Baseball America's annual draft issue, the can't miss stud.

He put up some amazing numbers for the Seminoles. Drew hit .455 with 31 homers, 100 RBIs and 30 stolen bases. In fact, he's the first collegian to ever go 30-30.

Drew is most often compared to Lenny Dykstra. In fact, "The Dude" got to see Drew in action this spring and came away impressed.

General Manager Lee Thomas and Scouting Director Mike Arbuckle flew to Tallahassee to see the prodigy, up close and personal.

"He's special," Thomas said. "There's nothing not to like. He's got all the tools and he's a real solid citizen."

Indeed. Baseball America rates Drew as the best athlete, the second best pure hitter (behind Rice 1B Lance Berkman), the third fastest baserunner, the third best defensive player and the fourth best power hitter.

Add it all up and it's a classic no-brainer.

The 6-1, 195-pound, left-handed hitter is the Phillies man."

When that guy (you) walking down the street got hit by the car and fell into the coma, JD Drew was the best baseball player scouts had ever seen. But unlike coma dude, the rest of us have spent the last 11 years searching for that JD Drew. What we've received over the last decade has been a mish mosh of injury plagued seasons and top flight talent (see the Drew's 2004 season with Atlanta) that if balanced would lean heavier towards the disappointment than it would consistent excellence. But fortunately for you (coma guy), you've woken up just in time to see what JD Drew was supposed to be and you are none the wiser.

Today, JD Drew is the best right fielder in the American League (apologies to Nick Markakis, Mags & maybe Vlad Guerrero). And to watch him play on his hot streak right now is to recognize just what everyone was talking about ten years ago (and hence what everyone was bitching about the last ten years). His game is absolutely effortless. He plays a borderline gold glove right field, he has an extremely strong and accurate arm (not a Vlad, Markakis, Ichiro gun), he doesn't screw up on the basepaths and is fast enough to get home from second at Fenway, which is a feat. But the real joy is in watching him swing.

When Drew is on (and not getting beat by sliders inside and down) he has one of the most effortless swings you will ever see. His swing looks like Wade Boggs but instead of driving the ball over infielder's heads, he's driving it over the wall. When he drives a ball it just friggin carries. He's a "wrist-flicking" lefty (as opposed to a "weight shifting" lefty like Bonds, Griffey and Papi) and his bat speed is outstanding. Fast enough that he can allow himself that extra split second to see the ball and make up his mind past the point when lesser players are hoping the pitch doesn't catch the corner while their bat skuffs up the shoulder of their uni. And for whatever reason he is completely locked in right now. Since June 1st, JD Drew is 18/36, with 10 BBs, 15 RBI, 15 R & 6 HR. I'd tell you his OPS but it doesn't even make sense (hint: it's close to 2.000). It's just absurd. And it's because of this unreal talent and ability to con teams into unreal contracts that people have never had a whole lot of sympathy for Drew (I wrote an unflattering piece about the man just last year), but maybe the criticism was unfair.

First of all, all the controversy about Drew's initial contract was Boras produced. Even the Philly media admitted as much in 1997 when they flat out BEGGED the Phillies to take him and in doing so pointed out that Drew himself didn't really give a shit about the money:

Drew seems embarrased by the money. He's a throwback. All he wants to do is play ball. But, even he admits, if Travis Lee was worth $10 million -- and scouts say he's as good or better -- well ...

But I do know this. J.D. Drew will be the pledge the Phillies take that they are serious about fielding a winning ballclub.

Please, don't punk out and take a Lance Berkman or Troy Glaus or Darnell MacDonald and then put the spin doctoring on it.

It should also be their rallying cry today. Yo, it's Spike Lee Time. Do the Right Thing. Pick Drew and show him the money.

What Phillies fans love to forget is that Drew was a puppet in Boras' plan to fight the constitutionality of the draft. What every other fan of teams that Drew has played for forgets is that in the healthy seasons of Drew's career (450+ PAs), he's a .290, 25+ HR hitter who drives in around 90 RBI a year. But because he's never healthy and he never talks to the media about his injuries, fans see him as an overpaid prima donna. I don't blame fans for that because I do the same thing when I think guys aren't "toughing it out." As an athlete, JD Drew "deserved" that criticism because athletes aren't supposed to be hurt. But last year, in retrospect, the treatment of JD Drew was the worst by far (by fans and life) and had Drew's story been made public, even the fickle fans of Boston (or maybe even Philly!) probably would've held back a boo or too and rightfully so.

In the beginning of the 2007 season for the Boston Red Sox, JD Drew suffered the toughest blow of his entire career and he wasn't really hurt. Drew's 17 month-old son Jack was diagnosed with developmental displacement of his hips and would require surgery and nearly 2 months in a full body cast. Drew didn't say shit about it to the media and fans had no reason to know about it as they booed Drew unmercifully throughout the 2007 season. To be sure Drew was underperforming, but after moving to a new city and taking on this event, it was probably understandable if Drew was a little distracted (a quote from Drew about the event sums up that theory, "It was hard walking out that door this afternoon," Drew said. "You hate to leave a little guy like that crying for his dad when you're walking out."). By September of last year Drew was the hottest hitter in the lineup and as no Sox fan will forget he hit the game winning Grand Slam in Game 6 and pretty much carried the Sox to the World Series. What was great about that moment is that Drew didn't take the Sox media bait about "vindication" and "silencing the boos", he just went about his business and praised the crowd as he'd done all year. Given what he'd endured (silently) all year, it says a lot about Drew that he never waivered throughout.

So now it's 2008 and Drew is in a good lineup, protected by Manny, he's healthy, he's happy and he's not distracted. To look at him today is probably to see the same guy the scouts saw in 1997 when he was scouted as the greatest college player in the history of the game. If this is the JD Drew renaissance maybe we shouldn't be shocked. After all, if you fell asleep in 1997 and woke up today, you would be wondering what all the full was about. This is the way it was supposed to happen. You'll excuse me if I get nostalgic for a little 1997 love, "Mmmm bop" indeed.

Hey Coco, Rihanna Left A Message For You

2008-06-05T20:56:00.003-05:00

This doubles as the "Song of The Week" AND a great message to Coco Crisp after his absurd performance tonight in charging Jamie Shields. Charging the mound made absolutely no sense and became doubly bad when Jacoby went out with a wrist injury. Coco will likely get no less than 8 games when all he should have done was take first base and let Shields continue to get shelled (it was his fault he was thrown at in the first place and he knew it was coming). Instead he put on quite a show, very entertaining (including a great dodge of a Shields haymaker)...

Will Leitch To Leave Deadspin

2008-06-05T14:19:00.003-05:00

Those muffled sounds you hear are the subterranean sobs from mothers' basements across the country mourning der leader.
I know I'm supposed to be studying Evidence (or anything law-related) right now but this news was too big to let slide. Founder and Editor of Deadspin, Will Leitch, will step down as Editor of Deadspin and will accept a position as Contributing Editor to New York Magazine.

The news is bittersweet as the loss of Leitch--who as much as anyone has contributed to the growth, relevance and popularity of the sports blogosphere as we know it today--leaves a deep and unfillable hole at Deadspin but it also gives support to the notion that blogging (coupled with a journalism degree and the succesful publication of multiple books) can serve as a respectable source of job experience for purposes of the publishing industry. It's also great for Will who is quickly moving up the media publication ladder and is as deserving of the success as any fellow in the blogosphere.

Selfishly, I'm sad to see Will go because whoever replaces him at Deadspin (a search is on for the replacement and I will not be throwing my hat into the ring, so Vegas can take my 5,000,000:1 odds off the board) will have to deal with lofty comparisons that cannot possibly be met and my guess is that the site will lose some of its draw and ultimately "fade into bolivion." I hope that is not the case but as these things go the real pull of blogs are the personalities. Will Leitch's mark was all over that site every day and his absence will be felt no matter the effort to walk in his footsteps. Deadspin is the most popular sports blog in the internets and it was Will's imprint that made that happen. I, personally, will miss his contribution to the blogosphere and it's my hope that along with continued success to Will that somehow the blogosphere continues to progress in his absence.

My Posting (And Lack Thereof)

2008-05-22T22:15:00.004-05:00

Actual footage of my afternoon by my hired sketch artist
Though I'd be surprised if anyone who used to read my shit regularly still comes here anymore (judging by my Google Analytics account, most people come here by searching for an image of a fat guy in front of a computer), I'd like to first apologize for my lack of posting and then apologize for the fact that this will likely continue through at least August and likely through October. Sorry.

Here's the deal: I've begun studying for the NY Bar. And though I originally thought this would lead to a month vacation before I really needed to get my shit together, the Bar course I'm taking (rhymes with Marbury) is a fucking BEAR and requires almost constant attention. It's like I've acquired a newborn. I'm up earlier than I was when I was working I go to bed later, I wake up to screaming at night (my own) and I'm eating soft foods. It's fucking brutal. It's because of this study shit that I'll be forced to effectively "take off" the next couple of months. What that means for anyone still reading is that I'll probably only be able to post twice-ish a week and one of those may be everyone's favorite "Song of The Week". The reason I've been posting those (and I know people don't like them) is because it's really easy to post them and for some reason when I kill a solo bottle of wine I feel like posting them. I'll try and stop.

Lastly, I'll try and keep posting things that really grind my gears as I have time to and hopefully by the time August rolls around I'll be back in the swing of things. And lastly lastly, I'm sorry if you searched for "Grady Sizemore's Cock" and instead got this post.

Baseball Replay Would Be Great But The MLB Is Right To Tread Cautiously

2008-05-22T20:47:00.005-05:00

Opening the door for replay review of home runs could neuter the entire roll of the umpire.
I am in favor of using all available technology to improve the outcome of sporting events. With the advent of HD television and the amount of cameras at gamesm, the proper outcome of any controversial situation can be determined in less than a minute via video replay. Add that to the explosion of multilayered media "reporting" on such games, and it's not as though the missed call will go unreported or uncommented on. In this day and age, a bad call is learned of on TV a minute after it happens and opinions as to the impact of the call will be read by thousands within an hour. Before the players are off the field, the controversy will be in full bloom. So it seems absurd that with such an easy fix available and so much unnecessary criticism avoidable, why the fuck doesn't the MLB simply fix the problem and allow video review of home runs and foul balls? The answers are several.

The first point here is that this situation is different than football. Way different. In football, review is ONLY available for "non-discretionary" calls like out of bounds and fumbles and whatnot. Review is NOT available for plays where refs determine if a player impeded the progress of another player so much as to constitute holding or made contact sufficient for a pass interference call.

With baseball, NONE OF THE CALLS ARE DISCRETIONARY (except maybe a balk or check swing). If you hand over the ability to call home runs and foul balls to video replay, there is very little rational way to justify not handing over every decision to replay (major argument against being "tradition").

Here's the slippery slope trajectory: let's say we give replay the ability decide whether controverial home runs are actually home runs. This means determining whether or not they went over the wall, were interfereed with, or hit or went behind the foul poul. That's great. But what do we do about balls down the line that clearly land on or inside the line but are called foul (or vice versa). If we are going to change calls on home runs, why can't we change the call on fair and foul balls? The answer the MLB will give is that determining fair and foul balls on routine hits doesn't generally have as drastic an impact on the games as getting right the home run call. But that distinction is completely arbitrary. The correct call on a double down the line in a bases loaded situation could have much greater ramifications and importance than either Delgado or A-Rod's missed home runs, neither of which had any impact on the outcome of the game. The same rationale for getting right the home run call should and would apply to fair and foul balls. It would take 10 seconds to figure out and would be conslusively determined through the aid of video replay. This makes sense. If we can get it right with ease, why not?

So what then about a catch versus a trap? Or a tag versus missed tag? How about a base runner beating out a play at first? Or a base runner leaving early on a tag play. All of these calls are NON-DISCRETIONARY. The rule definitions are clear and the umps have no discretion to subjectively decide whether the play should go one way or the other. The ball is either caught or it's not and the player is either tagged or he is not.

In all of these situations the outcome of a game could (and has) come down to the improper call (think Don Denkinger. Why not allow the play be correctly called? It would probably come up at most once or twice a game and could be reviewed as quickly as a tennis replay. It would not impact the game's flow other than to allow the correct call to be made and thus to quell the pending outrage. If you can justify allowing home runs and foul balls to be corrected via replay because they can be conclusively determined and the affect on the game is meaningful, why can't you do the same for these other correctible calls (see where we're going here)?

But what everyone is really trying to avoid is allowing an automatic or computerized strike zone. It has become obligatory that when commenting about replay you must also say "well of course we don't want replay of balls and strikes." Well, why the fuck not? The same justification for replaying a home run via video replay applies for accurate determination of balls and strikes via computer. The decision of whether the pitch is a ball or strike is NOT TO THE DISCRETION of the the ump. There's a rule (a clear one at that): "The strike zone is a three dimensional right angle pentagonal. The bottom starts at the hollow of the batter's knees and the top is at a midpoint between the batter's belt and shoulders. If any part of a pitched ball intersects any portion of this zone, the ball is in the strike zone and should be ruled as a strike (unless hit.)" If the ball travels through that plane, it's a fucking strike no matter if you're Greg Maddux, Greg Smith or Gheorghe Muresan. If the technology is not available at present to accurately determine a strike for different heights and body types, eventually it will be available. So at that point, why not use it? The question isn't worth asking because at least in my lifetime that change will never happen.

The reason, I guess, is that for the same reason that parks are different sizes and there's a DH in one league and not in the other is that baseball is great for a lot of reasons and some of that is due to a tradition of "unwritten rules" and human error (for lack of a better phrase) that makes baseball beautifully imperfect. Baseball rewards great players in a way that other players are not rewarded in other sports.

Tom Brady is not going to get a non-discretionary call called his way because he is Tom Brady (unless you count the tuck rule, though that was correctly called and he wasn't really Tom Brady at the time) in the way that Mo Rivera will get an outside corner or Tony Gwynn never struck out looking because no umpire in their right mind would call a close pitch a third strike on Tony Gwynn; he's Tony Fuckin Gwynn for fuck's sake and his eye is better than theirs!

While the game would develop a level of consistency unmet in the current scheme--a scheme that can be unbearably frustrating when assholes like Rick Reed or Hunter Wendelstedt are behind the plate--that consistency wouldn't make the game any better. In my opinion, it would actually make the game worse (much worse) because the game is in part built on that tradition of "earning" the outside corners are earning a close walk through years of proving yourself as a player. There's a certain frustrating beauty to a tight/wide strike zone and seeing how professional players react to it. It's not perfect in terms of "getting it right" but it's a perfectly enjoyable part of the game.

I think where I was intending to go with this was merely to point out how easily the simple position of approving replay for home runs could quickly turn into an all-robot umpiring team. I'm not 100% sure where I stand on this because I am very uncomfortable with allowing the introduction of replay due to the "slippery slope" effect of its implementation. It's just as easy to make the argument for review of home runs as it is to make the argument for review of almost ANY call in the majors. So while the idiot public (myself included) and the MORE idiotic hysterical opinion media (Mike & Mike, Michael Kay & dozens of others) are screaming to the high hills for replay to be used because of recent issues, the MLB is right to be cautious. Though it may seem absurd today, reviewing home runs is a hop and skip up the slippery slope from putting Johnny 5* behind the plate. And clearly we don't want that.

*I'd highly recommend checking out that link. I won't ruin it, but if you haven't listened to the "Short Circuit" soundtrack in awhile or you weren't around for the phenomenon that was "El DeBarge," this will provide a refresher course.

Smittblog Song Of The Week

2008-05-21T23:42:00.002-05:00

The song is "Bra" by the 70's funk band Cymande (pronounced Sah-mahn-day). If you think you recognize it you are either are De La Soul fan (the song was sampled in De La Soul's "Change in Speak" from the 3 Feet High & Rising Album) or you remember it from the club scene in the Spikke Lee joint 25th Hour when a young and severely fucked up Anna Paquin is trying to seduce a not-so-young (or hip) Philip Seymour Hoffman (Paquin's high school teacher in the film) at Monty's going away party at the Russian DUMBO club. For my money the second best scene of the film (clearly the mirror scene is the best scene for its pure balls) , especially the part when Hoffman leaves the bathroom after cheddarballing with Paquin and realizing he fucked up. Great scene, great song, great Hoffman. Not much more you need in a film for my money.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeouch, Forbesy!

2008-05-19T23:30:00.005-05:00

Reporter Ryan McGeeney was merely standing on the field of competition and attempting to shoot photos of the shot put when he felt something on his leg. Well that "thing" turned out to be a javelin. Somehow, rather than freak out and scream like a girl (as I would have reacted), McGeeney hit the ground and took the above picture with javelin-in-leg. He later described the resulting feeling as "kind of tight feeling in the skin where I could say, 'oh yeah, it went through me,' but it wasn't real painful." Wasn't real painful...? Unless you get your jollies from receiving root canals our ritual ballhair burning, a javelin through the knee is f'n painful. I don't care who you think you are, Ry guy.

Sure Lester Was Great, But How About Varitek?

2008-05-19T22:37:00.005-05:00

Tek is often the subject of unverifiable media ballwashing about his ability to "call a game." We may finally have a stat that suggests this ballwashing may be justified.
It is almost impossible to prove that one catcher behind the plate calling a game gives you an advantage over another. You could probably do a study using the same pitchers and the same opponents with different catchers and compare those pitchers' results (compare Posada to the Molina-Moeller combo, for instance), but the intervening factors are too many to prove with any reliability that the results were dependent on the catcher's ability to call the correct game. Despite this truth, you would have a tough time getting through any nationally televised Red Sox game without hearing an announcer laud Jason Varitek for his ability to "handle a pitching staff" and "call a game." They often cite his preparation and tireless work ethic as evidence of this ability as if no other catcher in the league prepares as much as he does (while it's possible that this is true, it's unverifiable at worst and unlikely at best). And while we may never have statistical proof that Jason Varitek is any better at calling a game than say Greg Zaun, there is one stat after tonight's Jon Lester no hitter that should make you step aand say, "huh."

If you watched SportsCenter, you are aware that Jason Varitek is the first catcher since 1900 to catch 4 no hitters. A remarkable achievement and unbelievable statistic given how much luck is involved in throwing no hitters. Since Varitek has entered the league, there have been 15 no hitters thrown and Jason Varitek has caught 4 of them. It's truly amazing that he's been a part of so many no hitters in his career but it does not prove that Varitek is any better at calling a game than anyone else any more than the fact that Virgil Trucks threw two no hitters in the same season is not evidence that he was one of the best pitchers of all-time (let alone the best pitcher in 1952). But this stat may mean something: Jason Varitek has not only caught 4 no hitters but he was 7 outs from catching 7 no hitters(5 no hitters and 2 perfect games)!

Last year he was one out away with Schilling's 8 & 2/3rds of perfect game against the A's, he was 3 outs away from a Wakefield no hitter in 2001 and missed a Pedro perfecto against the Rays in 2000 by another three outs. A break here or there and he not only leads the history of the majors in catching no hitters, he is doubling up the next closest guy. Not only that, but since 2000 there have only been 9 no hitters broken up in the 9th inning and Jason Varitek has caught 3 of those. Of the 24 no hitters or near no hitters since 2000, Jason Varitek has caught 7 of those game. Now that's statistically significant.

Maybe all this about Tek knowing what he's doing is more than mere announcer ballwashing afterall.

Gratuitous Manny

2008-05-15T20:02:00.003-05:00

I'll try and post something about this in the next day or so but I had to post this video as soon as I could. It will likely be down by day's end (damn MLB and their damn "rights"). But a better video can be found here. Though this play was great, it pales in comparison to Manny's greatest play seen here:

Smittblog Song Of The Week

2008-05-14T23:51:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite songs off of one of my favorite albums of last year. This song and "Map of The Problematique" are two of the best non-QOTSA "rock" songs I've heard in awhile. 3 dudes making about as loud and complete a noise as there is today.

Every Thing That Touches Joba Chamberlain Is Blown WAY Out Of Proportion

2008-05-09T19:44:00.006-05:00

I don't really get why everyone (hyperbole) is getting so riled up about Joba's 8th inning exuberance but to listen to David Delucci and NY Sports Talk Radio you'd think he whipped his crank out on the mound and started helicoptering the shit out of it. People really need to settle down about this. Simmer.

Here's what I think (move away from the edge of your seat): everyone involved in this imbroglio is to some degrees wrong. The most wrongest is David Delucci. Joba's post-strikeout fist pump doesn't show anyone up. He's not pointing at the guy or yelling at him, he's just getting (overly) excited. Yes he does it too much and yes it's completely contrived and he just does it because it looks cool and now everyone expects him to do it, but it's completely harmless to the player on the "receiving" end of it. It blows my mind that Delucci somehow feels "disrespected" by a fucking 8th inning final out on-the-mound celebration. To pull the "play the game the right way" card here is absurd. But this isn't to say that Joba is blameless here.

With a 3 run lead in the 8th inning of a May 8th game and no one on, Joba Chamberlain is supposed to get the final guy of the inning out. And when he does he should be happy. He did a good job. But how he can possibly justify going bonkers and screaming at the top his lungs when he strikes a guy out in the 8th when facing no threat is a real headscratcher. An 8th inning strikeout is more a time for a muted fist pump or maybe a leg or glove slap (again, subtle). It doesn't get my blood boiling or anything that Chamberlain is somehow rubbing it in to the batter, but what does cause me pause is why he's so fucking excited. IT'S THE 8TH INNING IN A 3 RUN GAME WITH NO ONE ON! This is no time for crazy histrionics. It's like Bill Grammatica going nuts after kicking a 29 yard field goal in the 4th quarter to put his team up 17. I just find the whole thing so unnecessary and bush league.

You win the game or get a big out, go nuts like K-Rod or Papelbon. You strike out a career .260 hitter in a game you control barely a month into the season, you fucking walk back to the dugout and shut the fuck up.

Smittblog Song Of The Week

2008-05-09T11:33:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure how long I'll do this but I'm going to start posting some of the songs I've been listening to up in this piece if only so I can have a record of the type of my flavor the month.

Above is Death Cab For Cutie with "I will possess your heart," the long version (also comes in the the 4 minute version. It come off their album "Narrow Stairs" coming out this Tuesday (May 13th). I can't speak for the rest of the album but I enjoy this tune.

Chris Paul Almost Makes The NBA Watchable

2008-05-08T23:03:00.009-05:00

When Chris Paul is on the screen I am as transfixed on the boob tube as this kid on this strange gelatinous orb.
It'd be fair to say that I haven't watched the NBA with any regularity since MJ put down his last championship. For whatever reason the league lost whatever luster it had for me when Michael took off. The draw at the time was that every time Mike was on TV something unreal was bound to happen. And then he was gone and no one picked up the slack. It probably didn't help that the year following MJ's departure featured a 5 month lockout followed by 8 years of mediocre play led by dominating big men like Shaq & Duncan, the league just lost the imagination that used to draw me in when I was a kid. If you made an NBA Superstars video of the early 2000's you'd have half an hour of Duncan bank shots and 20 minutes of progressively less aggressive Shaq Dunks. Sweet. I'm told today that the NBA has the most talent its ever had. That may be true but even with the advent of the Kobe / Lebron era (I'm aware that Kobe's "era" began much earlier), I haven't really had any interest in watching. Those guys, while dominant, just lack something that I can't put my finger on (Kobe's luster was lost on me the day he decided to not take a single shot in a playoff game out of spite). Call it what you will maybe a little likable pizzazz that these guys lack... But whatever it is that they are missing is exactly what Chris Paul has; and he has it in f'n droves.

I'm not sure I've seen a more exciting athlete on TV in the last ten years. LT, Mike Vick, Lebby, Sid the Kid, college Reggie Bush, whoever. I'll put Paul up against any of them. If you haven't seen this kid play (and he is a kid at 23 years-old), you need to Tivo it or something. He's in the lane, he's throwing alleys and he's pulling up from anywhere making it look frickin seamless. He may be the most smooth player I've ever watched play... and I HATE NBA basketball (especially the Spurs who feature the least likable group of "stars" the world has ever known).

To put it in proper perspective, it's midnight on a Thursday, I just finished the last law school final exam I will ever take in my entire life (hopefully) and I haven't been alone with myself without a book in front of me for the last 4 weeks. And rather than abusing myself via the absurd amount of fresh porn that has built up in my absence (not to mention that Cinemax is presently showing "Hotel Erotica Cabo 10: Primal Urge"), I'm watching Chris Paul single-handedly keep the Hornets in a game against the best--and least exciting--team of the decade.

Now, maybe that simply means that I've lost my touch and just need to get back in the swing of things or maybe it means there are some things I need to work out in a lengthy therapy session, but the conclusion I've come to is that it means that Chris Paul is watchable to even the most casual of NBA fans under the most extreme of circumstances.

I'm not sure we'll ever see it replace the "NBA, it's FAN-tastic" slogan but for me: "Chris Paul, he'll distract you from masturbating" is pretty high praise.

Julio Lugo Sucks

2008-05-07T22:10:00.003-05:00

Mr. Lugo, you are free to go now. Don't make this harder than it is. Just go. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU COCKSUCKER!
After coming back from a 4 run deficit and taking the lead on a Dustin Pedroia pinch hit single in the 8th, the Sox put Papelbon on the mound and were on their way to a win. With a man on (infield single) and no outs, a routine ground ball was hit directly at Lugo. He charged it in time to get the lead runner out and possibly turn two (though it would have been a tough double play). At the very least he had plenty of time to get the batter (Renteria) out at first, and that's when Julio Lugo stepped in and took matters into his cold concrete hands. Instead of picking the ball up and throwing it to a base for what is known as a "force out," Julio decided to kick the ball around for a little while and not throw it to any base for his 10th error of the year. A sac bunt, a productive ground out and a broken bat bloop later and the Tigers had won. Thanks Julio. You are the worst.

Yanks Coverage >>>> Mets Coverage

2008-05-05T21:18:00.004-05:00

The Mets took 2 out of 3 from the best team in baseball this weekend and won a great matchup between Johan and Dan Haren on Sunday. But if you read the NY Post, probably had no idea.
Listen, I'm well aware that this is a Yankees town. The Mets often play third fiddle to the whoever the Yanks' opponent happens to be in terms of coverage in the tabloid rags. I'm rarely surprised that the Mets don't get a ton of respect. I'm also aware that at this stage in the season the major story in NY (if not all of baseball) is the struggling Yanks and their awful "rotation." But even for NY today's coverage in the Post was comical.

The Arizona Diamondbacks are the best team in the majors. Their big time offseason acquisition was Dan Haren. The Mets are the consensus pick to take the NL East and are most folks pick to get to the World Series. The acquisition of Johan Santana is the reason for the hype. Yesterday, in the rubber game of what is likely to be the NL Championship matchup (I'm assuming the Cubs will blow it at some point), Dan Haren squared off with Johan Santana. The game did not disappoint. 2-2 into the ninth with a 9th inning error deciding the game and the Mets coming out victorious thus stealing the series in AZ. A pretty big story and a huge confidence boost for the Mets. In the NY Post today, there was one article. One. The back page of the Post, the Yankees' back-and-forth journeyman Darrell Fucking Rasner. Inside the Post, 5 articles about the Yanks. FIVE TO ONE! The Yanks touched up the last place Ms 4th pitcher at home and got 5 articles. The Mets best pitcher pitched great and the Mets won in a dramatic last inning and there is a single fucking mention! What a fucking disgrace.

I know that the Yanks are a much more interesting story even when they are average (or especially when they are average) than the Mets are when they're good, but the Mets are going to stay baseball relevant deeper into the season than the Yanks will. So I don't know, maybe you want to familiarize yourselves and the public with what's going on with them?

PETA Takes On Horse Racing With An ABSURD Argument

2008-05-05T20:01:00.005-05:00

According to the reasonable folks at PETA, Horse Racing is on par with dogfighting.
I'm not sure this is even worthy of a response because unlike a surprisingly large portion of Americans (according to a CNN.com poll, 60% of Americans feel that thoroughbred horses are mistreated) my readers are all probably in agreement here, but it's strikes me as so ridiculous that I feel I have to respond.

Taking advantage of the publicity of the death of Eight Belles in the Kentucky Derby yesterday, the folks at PETA have come out in support of horses. Here is a portion of the statement released:

PETA is calling for the immediate suspension of jockey Gabriel Saez—who whipped Eight Belles mercilessly as she came down the final stretch, no doubt in agony from two front legs that were about to snap.

Now, a couple things strike me about this portion of the quote and I'll hit them first before I post and respond to the most offensive portion. Firstly, as was pointed out in several places today including Tirico and Van Pelt's radio show, if their problem with the jockey Saez is that he whipped the horse "mercilessly" (not sure I agree with the word choice, but I'm no Buzz Bissinger so I'll relent in that critique), why did they single him out? Didn't every jockey whip their horses? I understand that I'm being a little picky as I'm sure the response from PETA would be that their first choice would be to get rid of horse racing altogether, but the fact that Saez was singled out strikes me as very odd.

Secondly, the folks at PETA seem to be suggesting that the injury was preventable. And not in the sense that it would have been prevented had the horse never been involved in racing in the first place. They suggest that the horse was in agony on the final stretch because her legs were "about to snap." Now, I'm no Equilogist (nor am I a veterinarian) and I wasn't in the room when they carved up the poor lady, so I really can't speculate on the cause of the injuries, but apparently if you are a PETA member you can simply know by watching the race that horse was running in such a way that her legs were essentially matchsticks waiting to be snapped. Now how on fucking earth could a reasonable human being come to that conclusion when that horse finished fucking second at the fucking Kentucky fucking Derby (if she were in a ton of pain on the back stretch, me thinks she may have slowed a touch). It's not only blatant and baseless conjecture on the part of the PETA folks, it's so illogical as to undermine their greater point. In order to sustain this line of argument, EVERY FUCKING HORSE WOULD BREAK THEIR LEGS AND DIE. But this isn't the best part so I'm moving on.

Here was the most unsettling portion of the statement:

Despite the wealth associated with thoroughbred racing, for the horses—most of whom end up broken, cast off, or sent to Europe to be killed for the dinner table—it's a dirty business and no better than dogfighting.

I'll start by saying that I'm not going to even address the suggestion that Germans are eating horses or turning them into coffee tables (the quote could really be taken either way) as it really has nothing to do with anything. The part I want to get to is the Horse Racing = Dogfighting.

First, shut the fuck up. This is stupid. The PURPOSE of putting dogs in a ring together is for one to injure or kill the other. The unintended consequence of horse racing is injury. And because horses suffer so greatly from the recovery process associated with these injuries (or die anyway through infection or circulation problems), the humane treatment for these injuries is euthanasia. In dogfighting, the dogs get the shit kicked out of them in order to ready them for fights. Many die in training. Thoroughbred horses are perhaps the most pampered animals on earth next to the Kobe Beef Cattle. They are well fed, well bred and get to run around as much as they want. Dogfighting and horse racing couldn't be less comparable on so many levels. So while choosing a brutal sport involving animals that was recently in the news is clever and gives the reader a nice visual comparison, the analogy is so off that it just serves to discredit your greater argument. You can't make outrageous statements like this and expect me to take your greater point seriously. Any chance you had at convincing me that you have the capacity to be reasonable is out the door because my eyes are rolling.

You see, if you want to make the argument that the governing body of horse racing needs to take a look at this incident and see if the horse was ill prepared or the maybe horses today should be better tested prior to a race or whatever, that's fine. Who knows, those concerns may even be legitimate. But if it's the public's support you want, quit reaching into your case of crazy and making statements that are not intended to inform but are instead intended to scare people into taking your side. It cheapens your argument and loses your grip on anyone who would even consider taking your side. I have no idea if thoroughbred horses are being mistreated or if Eight Belles' death could have been avoided (I have my suspicions that this couldn't be farther from the truth) and because of the public deaths the last couple of years I'm almost willing to listen to arguments suggesting that something is amiss. But when the people who have taken it upon themselves to speak on behalf of the animals rid themselves of facts in favor of fear mongering and outrageous headline making, you lose all credibility with me.

Will Jones: Fat Kid Cardio

2008-05-05T19:46:00.002-05:00

This feels a little contrived but it's awfully funny. It also reminds me of a younger version of a friend of mine, so that makes it extra funny for me.

Ol' Buzz Bissinger Finds Deadspin's Will Leitch New & Scary, And Then Proceeds To Lose His Mind

2008-04-30T19:48:00.005-05:00

I've posted the video in its entirety below but given that you come to my site, see a headline and then see a picture associated with that headline, I wanted to properly capture in picture the type of old angry media guy that Buzz Bissinger symbolized in his appearance on HBO's Costas Now last night. If you closed your eyes while listening to what Buzz had to say, this would accurately depict the picture in your head of the guy saying what was said(if you open your eyes, he looks like a crazed John Malkovich character with horrendous posture). But I'm getting ahead of myself...

For those who don't know, Bob Costas has a show on HBO that involves him taking on "sports" topics in front of a live audience with several panels of guests at 15+ minute intervals. The concept of the show is not a bad one and at least on the first day Costas had some compelling characters from all across the sports landscape (though 15 minutes was never enough to fully delve into any of the sometimes weighty subject material). On his first show, he took on "Sports & The Media" and brought on major players like Chris "Maddog" Russo (who was unapologetic and fantastic), Mitch Albom, Joe Buck & Dan Patrick, just to name a few. And while all that was fairly entertaining, the main event, surprisingly, was a heated battle between an enraged Buzz Bissinger and a cornered Will Leitch (with Costas playing the role of "piler on" over the "moderator role" it seemed the show intended and Braylon Edwards for some reason shoved into the mix) regarding the utility of the blogosphere. And almost before Leitch could get a word out (the first question was posed to him), Bissinger went bananas leading a sporadic profanity laced tirade that lasted several minutes. Predicably, Bissinger's beef involved your typical anti-blog cliches: no credentials, no ethics, no oversight, and no regard for traditional standards of journalism (oddly, only mom's basement was spared critique). Bissinger was not done there though, in a humorous moment, Buzz attempted to call out Leitch for not having read a random sports writer (WC Heinz, who Buzz feels is one of the greats of all-time) only to learn that Leitch had in fact read Heinz's most famous work, "The Professional." In a conversation wont of comedy, this was the high point.

Bissinger's biggest gripe, it would seem, is that blogs are poorly worded, grammatically incorrect and profanity laced drivel that add nothing to the conversation and only serve to humiliate and denigrate the poor unsuspecting athlete. And the man has a point, which is exactly why I don't understand why he gives such a damn. Much of the funniest stuff on the sports blogs is often the seedier side of sports. Whether it be Bronson Arroyo in a Northeastern dorm room, Santonio Holmes nude in the shower or stories of a Chris Berman pick-up line, these pictures & tales add very little to the greater conversation regarding the respective sports. Their only utility is entertainment at the expense of the athlete... and that's ok. What's more, it shouldn't bother members of the media one iota because this is the one area of sports coverage that the blogosphere is not stealing from main stream media ("MSM"). But beyond that, this tired argument suffered from the same misinformation and fear-mongering that permeates any discussion regarding the medium when a member of mainstream media is involved in the discussion BECAUSE NONE OF THEM HAS EVER READ A BLOG (Bissinger said that he doesn't read Deadspin but he "watched it" the day prior to the Costas show).

Here's what so enrages me about the arguments from MSM regarding blogs (or at least one of the major things): the main argument is that "many" blogs specialize in either hateful, untruthful or poorly written crap that is neither informative or interesting, so it shouldn't be read. In making this argument they cite no actual evidence of such postings and are likely relying on the good word of fellow curmudgeons who spout off the accusations via fountain penned letter and fire it off via telefax machine. If only they would take the time to look, they would find plenty of poorly worded and illogically formed sports arguments/opinions (hell, just check the archives of this site).

In an effort to make this argument yesterday, Bissinger and Costas assaulted Leitch with excerpts from Leitch's own site (though none of his actual writing, which was probably too well written for the argument to be made) and pointed out how vile and inappropriate the posts were. Bissinger went bananas, excoriating Leitch as if he were pushing crack on 8 year-olds for a living. But as Leitch so aptly pointed out, "these blogs" that Costas and Bissinger were referring to, if not well written or interesting, disappear. If there was a blog out there that started false rumors about female bowlers through the posting of a series of run-on sentences, people wouldn't read it. That may not prevent the uninteresting and grammatically improper untruths from being posted, but it would dampen their effectiveness. And if these folks were to look in the mirror they'd realize that THIS IS THE EXACT SAME WAY EVERY OTHER PUBLICATION / MEDIA OUTLET IS JUDGED. People write and say crazy shit ALL THE FUCKING TIME (check out the UFO or Al Franken / Ann Coulter sections of the bookstore) and if it's uninteresting or untruthful, it will go away (sometimes in a lawsuit). If people in talk radio can't stay on topic or formulate a sentence, people will stop listening. Simply because there are bad blogs out there (whatever your definition of "bad" happens to be) does not mean that the medium is plagued with badness. I don't think Bob Costas sucks because Brian Baldinger sucks. The same holds true for online sports opinion makers.

What's most amazing to me is that after having made these arguments for the last couple of years, MSM has failed to realize A. that the two mediums can co-exist (well, in fact. So well that it reminds me of a great scene from the film Accepted, the transcript of which you can find in the below post) and B. that in this time they haven't read any of the stuff on the internet yet they are for some reason so angry about it (this is especially so with Bissinger who is absolutely incensed but has never read a blog). The first point is what I think is most lost on MSM. As Leitch mentioned in the intro to the ~~Shawshank style laundry room A-Raping with Costas playing the role of Boggs~~ "discussion", people don't get the story of last night's game from the paper any longer. That information is too easily accessible and pawing through 8 paragraphs of game story that leaves out some of the most important portions of the game untouched in an ink bleeding newspaper is not worth the trouble. This is especially true now that you can get the information in so many different ways. If you want to learn about tonight's Red Sox game tomorrow, you've got a game thread on SOSH, the play-by-play on ESPN.com or CBS.Sportsline.com or wherever. If you want to know what decisions affected the game you've got literally dozens of blogs and message boards across the nation to give you the information. Why the fuck do I need to listen to Dan Shaughnessy tell me why he thought the game went awry (or not awry, which he never writes about). I don't. I need the boxscore and a little information if something crazy has happened. I can find that through my trusted blogging friends. I don't need a sports writer to tell me about the game.

Where sports writers do help is in stories that bloggers just can't get. Soon to be former Boston Globe writer Gordon Edes wrote a fantastic short expose' on the life of a middle reliever (the story focused on the travails of Bryan Corey and was a really interesting look at the crazy lifestyle of a middle reliever and his family with the constant call ups and DFAs. Worth the read if you have a moment). In order to write this kind of story, you have to have the creativity to come up with it and the access to contact Bryan Corey and not receive a restraining order in the mail following that contact. Sports writers have this and Gordon Edes is one of the better ones. If Sports writers took the time to write slice of life articles or were relevant enough to write opinion articles that were able to gain the trust of the reader (either online or in paper), then that would be great. But it would never dull my desire to get my information from people my own age who may have a funny take on the exact same game/episode/play that can't be printed in a PG media format. And herein lies the problem.

It seems to me that we the media consumers have always had the desire to have it "all." Before the internet, "all" meant a max of two competing newspapers with 3 articles about your team a day each and perhaps an article about your team in SI or The Sporting News. "All" also included a short blip in the local newscast about your team usually featuring the final score and maybe a nugget about your team's star player if it were particularly newsworthy. It wasn't that we didn't have a capacity or desire to know more about our team in that game or otherwise, it was simply that it wasn't available in an easily accessible format (other than the local establishment). You think people wouldn't have eaten up a publication that featured drunken pictures of Mickey Mantle at local bars or Joe Namath spouting off to a fan? If it were easy to publish and display those snippets of information in the hopes that thousands of people could access it for virtually on cost, the sports consuming populace would have eaten it up. Today we have all that and more. We have opinions about opinions and pictures of every athlete in every compromising situation as well as funny takes on even the most mundane sporting events (daily!). And the reason all of this is available (and I think this gets lost in many of the arguments) is that the people putting this stuff out there, for the most part, are doing it for free in their spare time. Their only interest is to entertain the faceless masses (or perhaps catharsis in some cases). They are not doing it to gain revenue or acclaim and thus are unconstrained by corporate overseers and the filters they present. This is good and bad. It's good in that you can now get a take on anything you want. You can find people who agree and disagree with you on almost any subject. It's interesting and engaging. The bad can sometimes mean that people go too far and post hateful and inappropriate material. The difference, in both cases, over today and yesteryear is that the access to both the good and bad is almost infinite. And thus the consumer is responsible for filtering the information and deciding for themselves what they will allow themselves to be swayed by. And THIS to me is where the greatest fault of the MSM lies (that's probably the third time I've noted their "greatest fault" but I'm too tired to correct it... lazy irresponsible blogger).

Buzz Bissinger and Bob Costas think you and I are idiots. They think that when we read fake rumors (redundant?) on Pro Football Talk or ugly message board vitriol that we cannot distinguish it from the truth nor do we have the ability to accurately discern how to react and form our own opinions. This is what the MSM used to do. If there was a rumor out there, they'd vet it and provide us with their best guess. If there was a statement made by a player or an action that was sure to cause a fan response, the sports writer used to tell us how to react. Today we have 50 people explaining what to believe about rumors. Today we have thousands of people explaining how we should react to polarizing sports subjects and because of that we have hundreds of different ways to react. I make up my own mind about how to react and sometimes I share it. If my opinion or take on it is in any way similar to yours it may or may not help you shape your opinion. You don't have to agree with with me but you may appreciate my perspective. So why is that bad? Why shouldn't the marketplace of ideas govern how opinions are made. The more the merrier I say. And because no one's opinion is more important than others, if the only complaint from MSM is that my syntax and sentence structure is poor, you can fucking sue my 4th grade teacher. She sucked anyway (clearly). But to argue that the blog provides a dangerous forum for unapproved opinions because of poor grammar or unimaginative writing is insane (not to mention irrelevant given the MSM alternatives out there today).

Look, Bissinger has a point. If F. Scott Fitzgerald were writing the game story for the Sox every day, I'd be a loyal reader and probably wouldn't need to watch SportsCenter to know what happened the night before (and even then I'd read SOSH to learn if Tito had properly subbed Coco for Ellsbury against McGowan). Sadly, we don't have a Fitzgerald or even a Joe Heller (who would've been a FANTASTIC sports blogger). Instead we're stuck with Fuck Stick Marriotti writing about sports and smug pricks like Bissinger explaining to us how the game should be enjoyed. I share nothing in common with these two assholes and their perspective on the games is meaningless to me. There are people out there who from their couch can give me more relevant insight into a sporting event for free than any classically trained journalist ever has, and for that I feel lucky.

I'm sorry old balls journo dude, I have a high capacity for consuming fan perspective blog posts and dick jokes. Lots and lots of dick jokes.

Here's the Bissinger - Leitch debacle:

Speech From Accepted

2008-04-30T19:35:00.005-05:00

(Ed. Note: The transcript of the portion of the speech I referred to above from the film "Accepted" featuring Justin Long and Jonah Hill.

Bartleby Gaines: Nah, I'm not going to answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces. And it's too bad that you judge us by the way we look and not by who we are. Just because you want us to be more like them when the truth is we're not like them. And I am damn proud of that fact. I mean, Harmon College and their - and their 100 years of tradition. But tradition of what? Of hazing kids and humiliating anyone who's a bit different? Of putting so much pressure on kids they turn into these - these stress freaks and caffeine addicts.

Dean Van Horne: Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!

Bartleby Gaines: Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh? You can have your grades, and your rules and your structure and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?

Dean Van Horne: Your curriculum is a joke, and you, sir, are a criminal.

Bartleby Gaines: You know what? You're a criminal. 'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion. That's the real crime! Well, what about you parents? Did -did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or to just play it safe, roll over? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I - I - I - I lied to you. I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry. Dad, especially to you. But out of that desperation, something happened that was so amazing. Life was full of possibilities. A - and isn't that what you ultimately want for us? As parents, I mean, is - is that, is possibilities. Well, we came here today to ask for your approval, and something just occurred to me. I don't give a shit. Who cares about your approval? We don't need your approval to tell us that what we did was real. 'Cause there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you just know it. And I know that it is a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. 'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms or - or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn. You just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shit at South Harmon. So you can go ahead, sign your forms, reject us and shoot us down, and do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point. Because we'll never stop learning, and we'll never stop growing, and we'll never forget the ideals what were instilled in us at our place. 'Cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us! So go!

Max Kellerman Pilfers The Sports Guy's Idea, Page 6 Eats It Right Up

2008-04-26T11:38:00.007-05:00

Sadly, I don't think Max Kellerman fears prosecution as intra-ESPN theft is a victimless crime.
I do not like Max Kellerman. I don't like his radio program or his overly precise consonant annunciation (if you listen to his radio commercials, you know what I'm talking about) and I especially don't like that he sipped the "Boeheim" shot (5 parts vodka, 1 part orange soda in a tumbler) we bought him at Rathbones only to leave it unfinished (and later laughed at me when I drunkenly suggested that the Blue Jays would win a pennant in the next 4 years, fucking prick). When his show comes on 1050am radio at 10am every morning, I turn the radio off and switch to the webcast of Cowherd's show out of Austin, Texas. For some reason I derive great joy from making this switch every day. So it is with great pleasure that I point out that Kellerman blatantly stole--and is now publicly receiving credit for--Bill Simmons' celebrity news Fantasy Game.

In today's New York Post, Page 6 notes that Max Kellerman "created" a game akin to fantasy football for the gossip pages:

"April 26, 2008 -- YOU'VE heard of fantasy football and fantasy baseball, where fans assemble all-star teams which compete based on their players' statistics over the course of the season. Well, last year, the people at the Kellerman and Kenny Show at 1050 ESPN Radio came up with a Page Six version of the game. Three partnerships held their draft on yesterday's show."

Of course, if you've read any of the Sports Guy's material over the last couple of years, you'd know that he came up with this exact same concept a full year earlier:

"So (Posted May 9, 2006) I'm going to create an Us Weekly fantasy league just for her. It's a million-dollar idea that could make me rich, if I weren't too dumb to figure out how to trademark it. More important, it will save my marriage. I can't afford to get divorced, it's way too expensive.

Here's how it works: 10 teams, auction format, $200 cap, five male and five female celebs per roster. Scoring is head-to-head for 22 weeks, playoffs over the last three (so you can have two seasons per year). OK, let's say you pay $55 for that chain-smoking tramp Lindsay Lohan. If she makes the cover of Us, you get 10 points (three for the inset photo). Every other Lohan picture inside is worth one. If she appears in the "Fashion Police," you're docked three. That's it. Simple. You can add or drop your celebs each Monday. Like maybe you want to dump Jake Gyllenhaal (because the whole "Brokeback" thing has played out) and grab Josh Hartnett (because he's dating Scarlett Johansson). Then again, you might want to hang on to Gyllenhaal. He's single and his number might be up in the Lohan deli line."

Now I will say that I'm not 100% sure that Kellerman didn't pay homage to Simmons when he suggested the game on-air last year (though judging by his shot-taking decorum, I'm guessing he didn't say shit), but regardless it's a pretty shitty situation for one of ESPN's own to get credit for the other's idea in such a public forum. I'm sure this is not lost on Simmons and I'm sure he'll take a half-assed and passive-aggressive "swipe" at Kellerman on his podcast at some time when the issue has fully blown over (similar to his "Obama" mention during the Eisen podcast), though of course no one will ever fully acknowledge that there's any bad blood because ESPN's dirty laundry never sees the light of day .

For Some Reason The NFL Draft Seems Awfully Lame This Year

2008-04-24T21:29:00.007-05:00

If you have any questions about the definition of the word "lame," these guys could probably point you in the right direction.
Normally I am friggin geeked for the NFL Draft by the Thursday before the big day. I've read every mock draft and reviewed them with a fine toothed comb (making witty comments to myself like, "you idiot Don Banks, there's no f'n way Rodgers-Cromartie falls out of the top ten. This isn't the CFL draft!" And I laugh and I laugh...) and have listened to enough of Mel Kiper's predictable speaking cadence that I can finish his sentences with proper voice inflection. This year I'm just not all that into it. I don't know whether it's the teams at the front of the draft or the players coming out, but for some reason this draft just lacks a certain umph.

My guess is that the reason the Draft is lacking this year is because the players at the front of the draft are completely unknown quantities. The only one anyone really has any familiarity with is Darren McFadden and he's not even in the discussion at 2 or 3. Instead we've got a the Tyler Hansborough of D Ends (gritty, motor guy with a big heart) and one of the most talented D lineman in recent memory whose limbs are apparently constructed out of wet toilet paper. Even the top QBs don't have a ton of marquee value because none of them (other than my draft favorite, Chad Henne) are from programs anyone's ever watched. The WRs suck the RBs have a ton of depth (all the way through Mike Hart who is projected in the 4th/5th) and the real playmakers (like DeSean Jackson and Aqib Talib) have been red flagged to death. Other than Chris Long and Jerod Mayo, there's not a player in this draft that people seem to like. I hate to admit it but we may have reached our saturation point for NFL Draft information. There's so much out there about these kids that when the Pats pick their guy, I'll be so confused as to how to feel that I'll probably be emotionless. All that being said, it won't stop me from picking my over and underrated guys in this draft and project the first 15. While I didn't do too badly picking the over and underrated guys (in fact, I was f'n dead on) I sucked at picking the draft last year but I still enjoyed it so I'm doing it again. Here goes something....

Overrated:
1. Glenn Dorsey - if he's healthy, he's Warren Sapp. He's never healthy.
2. Vernon Gholston - Mike Mamula says hello.
3. Devin Thomas - JuCo kid with 6 catches in 2006. One year at Mich. St. and he's a first rounder?
4. Limas Sweed - Mike Williams part deux.
5. Felix Jones - The guy is 5'10" 205lbs. He's almost my size. I could not play in the NFL.
6/7. Joe Flacco / Brian Brohm - Great peripherals and disappointing college careers, unless you count eating. Joe Flacco could give Jared Lorenzen a run for his money in a pudding eating contest.

Underrated
1. Rodgers-Cromartie - Big, fast, great hands and raw. He may be the first shutdown corner to come out of the draft since DeAngelo Hall.
2. Clady / Alberts / Otah / Williams - The OTs in this draft are gonna be good.
3. Jerod Mayo - He's a physical specimen and played tremendous in the toughest conference in the NCAA.
4. Calais Campbell - I have a man crush on him. 6'8", athletic and tore through the ACC two years ago.
5. Chad Henne - He reminds me of Matt Hasselbeck. So I guess he'll play on an above average team in a bad conference and not win a big game, just like college!
6. Rashard Mendenhall - First jewish running back in the NFL.

NFL Draft Projections
1. Miami Dolphins - Jake Long

2. St. Louis Rams - Glenn Dorsey

3. Atlanta Falcons - Vernon Gholston

4. Oakland Raiders - Chris Long

5. Baltimore Ravens - Sedrick Ellis

6. New York Jets - Matt Ryan

7. Cincinnati - Darren McFadden

8. Kansas City - Chris Williams

9. New England - Branden Albert

10. New Orleans Saints - Mike Jenkins

11. Buffalo Bills - Devin Thomas

12. Denver Broncos - Ryan Clady

13. Carolina Panthers - Jeff Otah

14. Chicago Bears - Rashard Mendenhall

15. Detroit Lions - Keith Rivers

16. Arizona Cardinals - Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie

17. Kansas City - Derrick Harvey

18. Houston Texans - Aqib Talib

19. Philadelphia Eagles - Jerod Mayo

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - DeSean Jackson

21. Washington Redskins - Malcolm Kelly

22. Dallas Cowboys - Leodis McKelvin

23. Pittsburgh Steelers - Jamaal Charles

24. Tennessee Titans - Devin Thomas

25. Seattle Seahawks - Mario Manningham

26. Jacksonville Jaguars - Calais Campbell

27. San Diego Chargers - Kenny Phillips

28. Dallas Cowboys - Marcus Harrison

29. S.F. 49ers - Gosder Cherilus

30. Green Bay Packers - Antoine Cason

31. New York Giants - Brandon Flowers

If I have time tomorrow or Saturday, I'll give some explanations for all of this but for now I'm sticking to it.

What A Waste Of A Good Rivalry

2008-04-23T20:41:00.003-05:00

You idiots! Do you know how much that hooch would be worth today?
Few things bother me more than a good opportunity wasted due to bad timing or uncontrollable circumstances. For instance, had the Black Sox scandal occurred in today's media climate, Jay Marriotti's head would explode. If Mickey Mantle played in New York today, he'd have been run out of town before his second season with his constant appearances on TMZ and Page 6. And if Skip Bayless were commentating on sports at the turn of the century, a ballplayer (likely Ty Cobb) would have given him the drubbing he so rightly deserves. Alas, we can only wonder what might've been as none of that will ever happen and we'll have to wonder what could've been. I'm reminded of these scenarios when I read today about the ongoing feud between Geno Auriemma and Pat Summit.

The feud is a good one. It features two folks at the pinnacle of their craft in a very public forum constantly battling through periodic character digs, all the while reminding us how great it can be when competitive sports turns 50 year-olds into 7 year-olds. There are rumors and threats and public call outs and tattle-taling.... this story's got it all. I mean look at this stuff:

Connecticut coach Geno Auriemma said the regular-season series against rival Tennessee was canceled because Lady Vols coach Pat Summitt accused the Huskies of a recruiting violation.

Auriemma, speaking to reporters on campus Tuesday, said Summitt "doesn't have the courage to say it publicly."

"Pat knows ... So she should just tell you why instead of saying, 'Geno knows.' I do know," he said Tuesday. "I already told you. She accused us of cheating at recruiting. She doesn't have the courage to say it publicly. So yeah, Geno does know. And I've said it."

Now that is good stuff. Unfortunately, because it is women's hoops, no one gives a shit. It'd be like shooting Goodfellas with the cast of Full House (Kimmy Gibbler playing the roll of Sandy and Uncle Joey as Billy Batts). I mean, imagine if this were happening with the two most public figures in a sport that mattered? What if Tony LaRussa and Joe Torre were yapping like this or better yet, Peyton and Brady. Man this coulda been good if not great. Instead we have to listen to two blowhards who coach a sport that is overtelevised and underathleticized (word?) get awfully nasty about some rivalry that no one really cares about. What an f'n waste.

At Long Last Our Prayers Have Been Answered!

2008-04-23T19:50:00.004-05:00

Protest no more you ugly & smelly hippies, Matt Walsh will finally be heard.
In a story that refuses to leave us alone no matter how few of us actually give a shit, the NFL and Matt Walsh have finally come to an agreement regarding who can sue him and for how much (the word is he will not be held civilly liable for anything as long as he doesn't profit from his "story"). Walsh will now meet with Roger Goodell on May 13th to discuss what it is he has been holding onto all this time. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thank God. I could hardly sleep at night wondering just what Walsh had to offer. I really think we're going to learn something amazing from his interview. It matters so much and I think he's a really credible dude so I'm sure he'll have a ton to talk about. But if you want to know what I really think... what a bunch of fucking horseshit.

Let's assume that Matt Walsh has 50 tapes or 150 tapes. Let's then assume that these tapes are of every opponent's signs, practices, walk-throughs and some POV home video footage of Andy Reid in the bedroom (let's hope not). What exactly does that prove? If he has all of it, Belichick will deny he ever saw it and then you'll have a he said / he said between two dudes who no one finds credible. The only difference will be that Belichick will have a ton of corroborators to his story while Matt Walsh will only have himself. Goodell will be forced to decide who to believe and will face a ton of pressure to further penalize the Pats while Kraft will be in the unenviable task of backing a guy who may have lied to him. And since that will be the end of it, nothing good will come out of it. But in the more likely scenario that Walsh only has his stories of what happened, what the hell will that prove? It's not as though we don't now know that the Pats taped people. What exactly will he be adding to the conversation and what could possibly be the consequences? If he tells Goodell he taped the Rams walk-through and that's all he's got, what could Goodell possibly do? Absolutely nothing. Because without more it's just another accusation and that's not enough to penalize the Pats.

Listen, I'm not suggesting that Matt Walsh shouldn't be spoken to and shouldn't give up all he's got. All I'm saying is that the media has made way too big a deal out of him when people stopped caring about this story 3 months ago; and when Walsh doesn't have shit on anybody and nothing happens after his interview don't say I didn't tell you so.

Much Like The Pitch That Caused It, The Farnsworth Suspension Was The Right Idea But Poorly Executed

2008-04-20T19:15:00.004-05:00

Right idea, poor execution. And it couldn't have happened to a bigger douche...
Considering what had transpired prior to Kyle Farnsworth's pitch, the response was awfully predictable. The previous day, Dave Aardsma accidentally (we think) plunked A-Rod in a fairly tight game. The next night Manny went yard twice and then stepped to the batter's box later in a game that was pretty much out of hand and faced a complete nutcase in Kyle Farnsworth. The Yanks couldn't get him out and someone needed to send a message. Manny knew it was coming, Farnsworth knew what to do and the next pitch was 97mph right at Manny's dome. Now, I have absolutely no problem with throwing at Manny in that situation and hitting him in the back/ribs or even going up and in on him near the letters. Manny is so locked in right now that if you don't make him move his feet he will deposit even your best offering into the gap or into the night. And had he simply hit Manny in the side, that would've been the end of it (Manny even agreed). But when Farnsworth's pitch went behind Manny's head, that was unacceptable and I agreed with the sentiment that the MLB needed to step in. And in typical MLB style, they stepped in and went way too far.

The reason Farnsworth needed to be punished is because his actions were reckless. If you don't have control enough over your fastball to throw it in on someone, you shouldn't throw it. Especially when your velocity is lethal (literally). And given the situation and the history of the teams, any inside pitch would be considered a "message" so you need to be extra careful not to throw anything dangerous. Farnsworth's pitch couldn't have been more dangerous. You should be able to respond to your player getting hit and you should be able to hit a player who is lighting you up, but if you fuck it up you should run the risk of getting suspended. If that pitch hits Manny in the head in that situation, you have World War III. The blogosphere and talk show circuits would explode. The MLB simply can't allow some second rate asshole to act so recklessly without trying to discourage future acts through a suspension. Unfortunately, 3 games is too much. All they needed was to send a message. You're out one game and docked $10,000 (or whatever). 3 games seems too long a time for the Yanks to be without a middle reliever considering their middle relief already blows. Though an inappropriate response does kinda seem fitting considering Farnsworth is being penalized for his inappropriate response.

The bottom line is this: you should be able to protect your guys. You shouldn't be allowed to kill players on the other team. Fair?

Smittblog Unveiled

2008-04-20T12:57:00.009-05:00

Anonymous no more. It is time for the "brains" behind the Smittblog to reveal himself to the world.*
Anonymity has its advantages. For instance, I can call Derek Jeter a dude-loving nancy without fear of being approached on the street about it or having angry letters sent to my house, or even really worrying about a lawsuit regarding the veracity of my claims all while enjoying the plush comfort and dank scent of mom's basement. Also, given my blog's limited readership (and therefore my relative contribution to the "conversation"), I'm not pissing enough people off or getting enough anonymous credit to make it worth giving up my name. Or so I thought until recently.

If you've been paying attention, you've probably noticed that in the last couple of months a number of bloggers have taken off their anonymity cloaks and shown themselves to the world. It started with the gents from Fire Joe Morgan," and then the dude from The Big Lead came out, and then this week KSK's Christmas Ape came out.

Before Ape came out, the outing of bloggers was celebrated. The guys from Fire Joe Morgan (one of whom writes for "The Office" and appears periodically on the show as Dwight's brother Mose Schrute) were all but electronically felated when unmasked. Jason McIntyre of "The Big Lead" was featured in an SI.com article singing his praises. The praise gave bloggers everywhere confidence that perhaps it was safe to show ourselves and receive the laudatory bounty we so duly earned. And then Ape came out and all hell broke loose.

If you haven't read about it, you should, but to summarize, KSK's Christmas Ape revealed his true identity on the site this week only to be fired 48 hours later when his company (The Washington Post) learned of his "hobby" and felt that it was not in their best interest to keep him on. Fortunately for Ape, the boys at KSK are now getting paid for their work and he doesn't have to worry about filing for unemployment or applying for work with the Baltimore Sun. It was a ballsy move on his part and he upped the "ballsy" level by referring to the Newspaper biz in his "coming out" post as a "dying medium" (a reference not lost on his editor).

The firing brings up many questions about the fairness/absurdity of such actions, and while I could write at length about all of that (I would argue that the firing borders more closely the absurd than it does the fair) what the firing really did was get me thinking about my place in the blogosphere and my responsibility to the brave bloggers who have outed themselves and risked their very livelihoods to give blogging more legitimacy. Should I follow suit and join in this noble pursuit? I think I should. So it is without further ado that I present the real name and face of The Smittblog:

That's right. I am Jim J. Bullock.** Consequences be damned.

*The word "world" meaning the discreet world of obscure sports blog readers.
**Not necessarily true.

Don'te Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out

2008-04-09T20:31:00.004-05:00

"Don'te Leave?" More like "Don'te play defense," "Don'te take good shots" and "Don'te really care if we win or lose as long as I get mine."
(Ed. Note: I wrote most of this two weeks ago after Syracuse lost to UMass and due to ~~my busy schedule~~ pure laziness I never got around to posting it. It appears almost unchanged except for the parts reflecting Donte's departure as fact as opposed to possibility).

I've never been much of a sucker. I don't own a bowflex or a piece of property sold by Erik Estrada. I have been offered roughly 73 trillion dollars in unaccounted for foreign funds by Daniel Amougbe (and his Nigerian associates), I've never taken him up on his offer to launder that money and my penis remains unimproved despite the many attempts to convince me that Mexican pharmaceuticals would give me a 6 inches of "confidence." For the most part, I have a keen eye for a deal that is too good to be true. But even the keenest of eyes can be fooled sometimes. And this year I got taken for a ride, big time. I got taken for a ride by the sports equivalent of the shiniest and most pristine piece of property Erik Estrada has to offer. And now, fortunately, I was let out of the deal.

Back in November, I wrote a little ditty about Syracuse Freshman Forward Donte Greene that ranked somewhere between a electronic felatio and the definition of hyperbole (the title of the post was "Donte Greene Is Going To Make People Forget About Syracuse Basketball's NCAA Snub, As Well As Basketball As You Knew It"). I hadn't seen Greene play but I had read about him and knew that he was a 6'11" kid who could shoot the three and was grabbing 10 boards a game and was compared favorably to Kevin Durant coming out of high school. And that was all I needed to hear. With the recent successes of guys like Durant and Odom (not to mention the recent success that Syracuse has found in the hands of Freshman Carmelo Anthony), I was convinced that a Syracuse version of Durant (along with a few complimentary parts like the best point guard Syracuse has ever had in Jonny Flynn) could lead 'Cuse to the promise land regardless of how much Greene may have actually cared about winning. I mean, I don't remember anyone criticizing Durant because he didn't dive for loose balls or play a lick of defense. I figured this kid was so offensively gifted that his weaknesses would go unexposed over a 27-30 win season. And holy fuck was I wrong.

You see the thing about Donte Greene is not so much that he's lazy (though he is that) as much as it is that he just doesn't give a fuck. Donte Greene plays the game with the least amount of interest in the outcome of the game of anyone I have ever seen. He wants his 20 and 8 and then he wants to go home. If the game were 24 - 100, he'd be just as happy as if it were 20 - 19 and he hit the winning full court shot while suffering from meningitis. He has absolutely no passion for the game. NONE. And in a normal situation he'd get his ass chewed out or handed to him on the practice court by some older players who understand what it means to win games in the Big East, but because Syracuse was so dependent on Donte for offensive production this year, the team had to defer to him as their de facto offensive "leader" and look the other way as he took terrible shots, made atrocious defensive decisions and got himself into unnecessary foul trouble in every single game. Meanwhile, players with guts and heart like Paul Harris and Jonny Flynn are killing themselves on every possession and doing the little things to keep Syracuse competitive. Paul Harris would play his heart out for 80 minutes and not score a point if it meant a 1 point win. To put things in proper perspective, Paul Harris and Donte Greene played almost exactly the same amount of minutes and Harris went to the free throw line almost twice as many times, and Greene's drawn fouls were almost always because some asshole on another team slapped him or committed some other stupid foul and had little or nothing to do with his ability to get into the lane (because he does not have this ability). And what Donte failed to realize is that the the hard-nosed players like Flynn and Harris can get away with a bad game (or season) because watching them you could tell how much it affected them. With Donte, unfairly or not, his flashy style and nonchalant playing attitude gave him less room for error from a fan's point of view. NBA threes and hand signals are great when your team is winning, but when you're losing, all that attention turns awfully negative awfully quick.

Now I'd be remiss if I didn't point out the positives of Donte's game. He's one of the most talented players ever to play at Syracuse (and that's saying something). Easily. He's a legit 6'10" and he's got range upon range. Between 15-25 feet, he's almost undefendable. He can pull up from 25, step back to 20 and fade away from 18. When he's on, he's got NBA game. He also has a fairly astute understanding of the game. He's got very good court vision and he is usually in the right spot on the break or whenever there's a play called for him (which was almost every time down the floor). He would start and be the best player on the Knicks if he were called up to the big show today. But in terms of his value to the future of the Syracuse OrangeMEN, I've had just about enough of Donte Greene, which is fortunate because now he's gone.

Now much has been made of next year's Syracuse team because of the what Donte was supposed to bring to the team. Personally, I think they'll be better now. Sure Donte is a difficult if not impossible matchup and with another offseason to build off of he could have grown stronger and developed a more complete game. The problem would've been the expectations and hype. Donte played like an asshole on a team that wasn't supposed to do much. He loafed and took ill advised shots and played poor defense without a ton of attention. And he admitted that he tried to play special when the lights were on. Well next year's Syracuse team was supposed to be one of the top fifteen teams in the nation. I can't even imagine the type of BS we'd see from him with the lights on all the time. It would be a mess and with no senior leadership, he would've run wild once again. Instead, next year's Syracuse team features a ton of gamers with Flynn and Harris leading the way. They've got a hungry Devendorf and a rested Rautins. They'll return a likely pre-season first team Big East player in Arinze Onuaku and they bring in two athletic top 100 recruits in Mookie Jones and Southerland. Donte's disappearance likely means that Kristof Ongenaet will battle Rick Jackson for the 4 slot and EVERYONE on the team will be battling to prove they should play. In terms of team chemistry, there was no better move for this team than losing Donte Greene.

It's not to say that this makes 'Cuse better. I can't say that it does. Whatever they do to replace Donte on the front line they lose inches and athleticism. It's tough to replace that with heart and desire. But the real reason I'm glad to see Donte go is because I want to forget last year's team. The reason I so badly want to forget them is because there were times when it felt as though they didn't give a shit. And no player exemplified that attitude better (or worse) than Donte Greene. It's an old axiom that anytime something goes badly for a sports team and that team takes on a label (too slow, coach too lax, too old) inevitably the fan base wants an overcompensating quantum shift in direction for that team. I want a team full of Paul Harris's and Jonny Flynns. I want Ongeneat mixing it up and Rick Jackson going a 100mph. I can't wait to see Devendorf going bonkers (strangely, I now miss that) and I want to see the new young guys come in and want to get to the tournament. From the frustration of last year's failures grew contempt for what I feel caused those failures and Donte was at the top of my list. I have no delusions that Syracuse will field a more talented team without Donte on it, but I do think they'll be more watchable. Given what we went through this past year, I'll take that as a start.

Vote Rick Astley For Mets 8th Inning Sing-Along

2008-04-06T20:00:00.004-05:00

The Mets want an 8th inning sing-along song. Let's give them something they truly deserve.
VOTE RICK ASTLEY "NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP" HERE

When you open up the interwebs and allow all the world a chance to vote on something, you run the risk of getting something entirely different from what you anticipated. The NHL learned this when the hard way when little known Rory Fitzpatrick was voted into the all-star game before the NHL stepped in and doctored the votes to put a stop to it. And now the world has been given the chance to intervene once again, except this time the stakes are much higher.

The Mets have allowed the fans to vote on their new 8th inning sing-along song (why this is necessary, I have no idea). And while they have offered a few suggestions, including "Build me up buttercup," the theme song from "Friends" and Wilson Pickett's "Land of 1000 Dances," (all really unbelievable possibilities), they've also allowed for a write-in section. Well, the geniuses at Fark have started a last minute effort to carry the day with their write in candidate: Rick Astley, and his hit song "Never gonna give you up." Now I don't get involved in these grassroot movements very often, but nothing would give me more pleasure than knowing that Rick Astley was going to be cranked at deafening volumes during 81 home games in Flushing, Queens. Rick Astley and the Mets just deserve each other.

VOTE RICK ASTLEY "NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP" HERE

Papelbon & Joba Might Want To Take The Ego Down A Notch

2008-04-05T19:52:00.007-05:00

If self-awarded awesomeness were a stat, Joba Chamberlain and Jonathan Papelbon would be hall of famers.
In this day and age, you can't really be a professional athlete without a certain level of confidence that can sometimes be confused with cocksureness (and if you're wondering, that is an actual word). It's important if not critical to believe that you are unstoppable or unbeatable as an athlete. You lose that edge and you are dead. And in few positions in sport is it more important to have this exalted self-image than the position of closer on a baseball team. So I guess I should not be too surprised that two of the successful new guys on the block in the relief circuit have come out recently and sounded like a couple of arrogant cocksuckers. But that's just what Jonathan Papelbon and Joba Chamberlain have come out and done.

At this point, I almost expect it from Papelbon. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed to begin with and he was getting a little big for his britches last year even before his post-season success... and dance moves... and drunken Letterman appearance. He started this year by bitching about his contract situation (he wasn't arb-eligible and wanted a new deal rather than a re-up of his old deal). The request wasn't unreasonable but his reasoning for why he deserved the new deal was a wee bit presumptuous:

Last year, Papelbon was paid $425,500. He finished the season with 37 saves in 40 opportunities and a 1.85 earned-run average.

Mariano Rivera, the dominant closer for the New York Yankees, signed a three-year, $45 million after last season, his 13th.

Papelbon’s 37 saves were tied for sixth in the American League. He wants to establish a salary standard for future outstanding closers.

“I feel a certain obligation not only to myself and my family to make the money that I deserve but for the game of baseball.” Papelbon said. “Mariano Rivera has been doing it for the past 10 years and with me coming up behind him I feel a certain obligation to do the same.”

So because Papelbon is the heir apparent to Mariano River--the Greatest Of All-Time--he feels it necessary to set the path for future Papelbons that follow in his footsteps. A latter day Curt Flood or Jackie Robinson, if you will. Hey Jon, why don't you just worry about missing bats and leading your suddenly susceptible 2008 Red Sox bullpen. You can deal with your groundbreaking salary demands after you've maybe completed your third full season in the Majors. But while Papelbon sounds like a prick with a bit of an ego problem, at least he's pitched an entire season.

Joba Chamberlain has appeared in 21 regular season games in his career. That's a '2' followed by a '1'. If you listen to sports talk radio in NYC or read the papers, you'd think this kid's been leading the Yanks to glory since the Polk administration (Michael Kay, during a recent Yanks broadcast, said that it feels like Joba's been leading the way in the Yanks' bullpen "for years."). He is 22 years-old and though he is perhaps the 3rd most popular player on this Yanks' team, he hasn't done shit. Yet recently when asked about how he is handling the ~~national controversy~~ Mike & The Maddog created local hullabaloo regarding his post-strikeout antics, Joba offered a curious response:

"It's unfair to my team to not bring 110 percent every time I go out," Chamberlain said. "It's going to be a topic of conversation, that's fine because I am Joba Chamberlain. I am going to be who I am and if I didn't show that, I'm not being fair to my teammates. I'm letting them down because I'm not being the person that I am."

Ummm... huh? "...because I am Joba Chamberlain." His explanation for why this has become a controversy is that it's been blown out of proportion because of his big name status? Are you fucking serious? YOU'RE A FUCKING MIDDLE RELIEVER! You're Scot Shields or a less valuable version of Pat Neshek. You're George Sherrill or Mike Timlin. You'll be lucky to string as many good years together as Scott Linebrink or Brendan Donnelly. You are the single most replaceable position in professional sports you fucking cocksucker. Get the fuck over yourself. Now I understand why Joe Girardi had to sit down with you at the beginning of the year to deflate your head. Good grief.

Now, with all this being said, if these two guys put together another couple years like they have they will have earned their place in the game and will be able to say pretty much whatever they want. And considering their starts and their popularity amongst their fans, I'll try and not hold their feet to the fire if they get a little overconfident at times. I mean, these guys are treated like latter day deities amongst their respective fan bases. Just give me 5 years of consistent service and then maybe I'll look the other way when you start likening yourself to Keith Hernandez.

Tennis Player Mikhail Youzhny Goes B-A-N-A-N-A-S

2008-04-01T22:29:00.003-05:00

Moises Alou Comes To Bartman's Rescue About 4 Years Too Late

2008-04-01T21:16:00.004-05:00

I'm sure somewhere Steve Bartman is thanking his lucky stars that Moises Alou rushed to his defense.
In Wayne Drehs's article "Searching For Bartman", Drehs briefly summarizes some of the more troubling aspects of what Steve Bartman has been dealing with:

"I start by throwing Bartman's name into Google, which is putting a cramp into the business of private investigators everywhere. The results are sickening. "Death to Steve Bartman" message boards. Blogs that encourage Cubs fans to, "not let him do this to us" and to "seek revenge.""

And that's just the stuff that's fit to print. Bartman's address was printed all over the internet and he was harassed consistently to the point where he had to hire a legal team to deal forcefully with harassing contact and was rumored to have a private security force following his every move. And even after learning of all of the crap this guy's been through, many Cubs fans felt absolutely no sympathy for the kid. It didn't help that the video was replayed over and over and over again to permanently burn it into the collective memory of Cubs fandom and allow for the blame to be placed squarely upon someone other than their beloved Cubs. Bartman was the easy scapegoat and that one play pretty much ruined a good portion of his life.

But while the video replay was seemingly the smoking gun in the whole ordeal, Moises Alou played a significant role in fanning the flames with his post-game comments:

After the game, he said: "I timed it perfectly, I jumped perfectly. I'm almost 100 percent that I had a clean shot to catch the ball. All of a sudden, there's a hand on my glove."

He didn't have kind words for Bartman on that night either.

"Hopefully, he won't have to regret it for the rest of his life," he said.

Nice, Moises. That quote was the nail in Steve's coffin. Not only did it look as though Alou could have caught the ball but Moises was convinced he could have caught it. Or was he? When asked about it yesterday, Alou sang a slightly different tune:

"Everywhere I play, even now, people still yell, 'Bartman! Bartman!' I feel really bad for the kid," Alou told Associated Press columnist Jim Litke.

"You know what the funny thing is?" he added a moment later. "I wouldn't have caught it, anyway."

I have no idea where Bartman was when he heard this for the first time but I bet you whatever he was drinking at that moment ended up on the floor. I'm not sure if Alou was under a rock for the last 4 years and didn't realize what Bartman was going through or if he thought the kid had finally suffered enough but if this is really true, what in the fuck was he thinking in keeping this to himself for the last 4 years? I know it likely doesn't absolve Bartman in the eyes of many Cubs fans but cripes, it couldn't hurt! I'm sure Moises thought he was doing the right thing but Bartman can be forgiven if he doesn't give him a call and thank him for clearing it all up.

From The No F'n Shit Department

2008-03-30T17:50:00.003-05:00

The above sign may be a little unnecessary, but ESPN's headline today was even more so.
If you've ever visited ESPN.com, you've probably seen the list of headlines about "news" in sports on the right-hand side of the page. Some of the stuff there barely qualifies as "news" but most of the time the headlines sum up the days events pretty well. Well there was one headline today that not only doesn't qualify as news but is about as unilluminating a bit of information as the world has ever been offered.

Mixed into the headlines about baseball, basketball and PacMan Jones was the following headline:

Thomas says Indiana hasn't contacted him about coaching job

Wait, what? You don't say! Indiana hasn't contacted the worst coach in the NBA about their vacant coaching position? The guy with a recent history filled with sexual harassment suits and a team full of players who hate him not to mention one of the worst records in the history of organized sports? Get out of here!

Now why in the hell is this newsworthy? This would be like CNN.com reporting "Anderson Cooper says woman hasn't shared his bed" or "BREAKING NEWS: The French are arrogant." But in order to see if this news was in response to a story or rumor or something, I did a little search on the interwebs to see if I had just missed the story linking him to the job and I couldn't find jack shit. The idea that Indiana University would contact Isiah Thomas to replace a coach who had to resign due to recruiting violations is one of the more insane ideas I have ever heard. The only person I can think of who is possibly a worse idea for that position is Jerry Tarkanian. Yet somehow ESPN decided it was news. I can't wait to check ESPN tomorrow to learn the color of the sky.

Matsui Marries Woman To Win $2000

2008-03-27T18:10:00.008-05:00

Is it me or does this sketch look like every alien sketch ever made except this one has a wig on?
So what might you ask is the Yanks' Hideki Matsui doing holding a sketch of an Asian woman in front of reporters? Well, this sketch happens to be Matsui's artistic impression of his new bride. And while this picture alone would be worthy of a post because it is so ridiculous, we then learn that Matsui made a Seinfeldian wager with Jeter and Abreu over who would be the first to be married:

At the beginning of spring training, Matsui heard of Bobby Abreu and Jeter having a bet in which the first one to get married would owe money to the other. Since Abreu has a girlfriend, his time frame was six months. With no steady girl, Jeter was given a year.

Matsui asked into the action and was accepted into the Bachelor Derby by Abreu and Jeter. Now, according to Abreu, he and Jeter are out $1,000 by the shrewd Matsui.

"How do you say sneaky in Japanese?" said a stunned Jeter, who thought reporters were joking when they told him Matsui got married Wednesday. "If he wanted the money all he had to do was ask..."

To answer Jeter's first question (according to Babel Fish), I think it is pronounced "卑劣," idiot.

The wager itself was absurd. Abreu gave himself 6 months to get married? 6 months from the beginning of Spring Training is August, and between now and then there is baseball non-stop. Is he retarded? Not to mention how pysched the bride-to-be must be that they were making these wagers in the first place (not that any chick is going to get pissed at Derek Jeter for being the subject of a wedding wager). But lest you think these guys are throwing all the romance out the window here, you haven't heard the warm and thoughtful words Matsui mustered from the bottom of his heart to describe the love of his life:

"The bride is a 25-year-old civilian and had been formerly working in a reputable position at a highly respected company," Matsui said.

That is panty soaking material.

Hey Great! It's Opening.... ehh

2008-03-24T19:48:00.003-05:00

Little Johnny doesn't need to fake an illness this year for Opening Day. He just needs a touch of insomnia.
Baseball Almanac describes Opening Day in the following way

"Regardless of the outcome, Opening Day still remains as the number one date in the hearts, minds (and on the calendars) of baseball fans everywhere. The official countdown begins after the last pitch of the World Series when we can't wait to hear those two magic words again, "Play Ball!"

And far be it from me to suggest that the expansion of the game into foreign markets isn't a good thing (it is, right?), but couldn't they wait for a midseason game between maybe the Mariners and Angels or something? What in the hell are the Red Sox doing in Japan in March and what in the hell is Japan doing hosting Opening Day?

Now I'm no Baseball traditionalist or some old balls who yearns for the days of higher mounds, no DH and Polo Grounds, but there are some things about Baseball that set it apart from the other sports. Opening Day is one of those things. Opening Day is Spring. It's really the only sport that corresponds directly with a season (sure they're called the "Boys of Summer" but Baseball signifies Spring and warmth while football is played in 6 weeks of veritable scorching heat). Opening Day is not just another day on the calendar or another Baseball game, it's a borderline national holiday. And while the real ESPN "Opening Day" is Sunday Night (according to the promo ads I've seen), the game Tuesday morning between the A's and Red Sox is billed as the MLB's "Opening Day" for all intents and purposes; and it's being held in another country (and that country is not even Canada!). It would be like holding the Iditarod in New Zealand (not really) or Pamplona moving the Running of The Bulls to Newark. It's one of the biggest events of the Baseball season and we've just handed it to another continent. It's a little anticlimactic for the sport if not borderline sacrilege. There's very little buzz for the start of the season outside of the Red Sox lunatic fringe (I'll be up at 6am) and that's not good for the game. I guess more than anything I just don't get the need for something like this. I'm all for giving other countries some of the games (you can give Europe ALL the Orioles - Royals games), but Opening Day? For me, some things are truly sacred. And if you think I'm being too sentimental, check out this Opening Day Song (created in 2005) and see if you don't get sentimental too:

"It never fails to amaze me
that cut grass can smell so good
I can't believe that someone pays me
for shagging flies and swinging wood
I close my eyes and smell the leather,
the Copenhagen and Ben Gay
I hear the rookies making chatter
God, I love those old cliches
On Opening Day

I nursed a hamstring down in cactus
I gained a pound and lost a step
But when I take my batting practice
The fans know the deal's kept
The guy in the chicken get-up
He's gonna be worn out by May
But today he doesn't let up
Like me he came to play
On Opening Day
It's Opening Day

The papers say that the odds are long
for us to be a first division team
The polls have us starting off strong
but running out of steam
We don't need no fortune tellers
and we don't need no crystal ball
We've got some big propellers
with arms taking us into Fall
And last season's dugout trances
are someone else's memory
Today's the day for second chances
There's no such thing as history
On Opening Day
It's Opening Day
On Opening Day
It's Opening Day"

The Refs Seem To Like This UCLA Team

2008-03-24T19:03:00.005-05:00

A&M's Donald Sloan walked away with lacerated wrists, a bruised elbow and herpes. What he didn't get was two free shots.
Overlooked in a day filled with great games and big upsets was UCLA pulling out a weak win over Texas A&M in the final seconds and the suspect non-call shown above. That really couldn't be a more blatant missed call (but makes a little more sense when you realize that the crew was led by Big East veteran Tim Higgins) and it falls in line with the other gifts UCLA has been handed this year. And while the stakes were pretty high before, from here on out a non-call or bullshit foul (see Stanford game below) will not go unnoticed. If UCLA continues to receive this type of disparate treatment, someone's going to start putting the pieces together. I know UCLA has a big following and all, but this is starting to get ridiculous.

Wanna Make Some Easy Dough? Here's A Hint: Bet The Habs Tonight

2008-03-22T08:57:00.003-05:00

Get used to this sight. When the B's play the Habs, the end result is never in doubt.
I generally don't advocate betting on NHL for a couple reasons. One reason being that you can't find it on TV so you can't really watch as your money is on the line; and two being that the second half of the season is played with such a greater intensity than the first half that often times you can throw out the records when a team scratching to get into the playoffs is playing a team at the top of the division, especially if the scratching team has a hot goalie. But tonight, your money is safe. The Canadiens have topped the Bruins in all 7 meetings this year and won the last 11 overall. And it's not like the Canadiens are running away with the division and the B's are holding down the rear. The B's have won just 4 fewer games than the Habs and are presently a playoff team. The domination is unreal and at this point the advantage is purely psychological (stemming from several gut wrenching playoff defeats, including an 8 seed over the B's 1 seed). So while I'm not advocating gambling on hockey, I will say that if you've ever considered it, this would be a good entry point.

Why Isn't Donte' Greene A Marlyand Terrapin? Because Gary Williams Blew It

2008-03-21T19:45:00.008-05:00

Don't get so down, Gar. It's not like your team needed a 6'11" three point shooting NBA Lottery pick anyway.
College basketball recruiting is a fickle business. Unlike college football where a recruit usually doesn't develop physically until about sophomore or junior year of high school, college basketball recruiting begins around 8th grade and gets progressively more aggressive as the player matures. These kids are pampered and told how great they are years before they are ready to accept the responsibility of leading a lucrative NCAA basketball program. And it's because of this immaturity and enhanced self-image that it has to be hard as hell to sell your program to 4-8 kids a year who all believe that they are the best player going without pissing one of them off. Gary Williams ran into this issue and unfortunately for him, 45 minutes was the difference between landing a top 5 recruit and watching him walk:

"Maryland recruited me when I was a sophomore, before anybody was recruiting me," Greene said. "I was waiting for them to call and they called. (Maryland assistant) Keith Booth came up to me and was talking to me and I was on my way to Maryland."

Greene took an unofficial visit to see the Maryland campus, but when he arrived in the basketball office, Maryland coach Gary Williams was with Julian Vaughn, a recruit from Vienna, Va., who is now at Florida State.

"Coach Williams had him in his office, talking for a while, for like 45 to an hour," Greene said. "Then he brought me in there and only said a couple words. I felt like I was disrespected and Gary Williams didn't really want to recruit me."

Greene said he told Booth he should stop recruiting him.

"It ended quick," Greene said. "But I would've definitely loved to go to Maryland."

It's amazing to me that the difference between landing and losing a future lottery pick and potential program changing player is an extra 45 minutes with a 15 year-old kid. Then again it's amazing that these coaches can even carry a conversation with these kids.

Sports Illustrated Cover Jnix

2008-03-21T18:06:00.003-05:00

DaJuan Summers must be so proud to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and so annoyed that the idiots couldn't spell his name correctly.
The cover of this week's issue of Sports Illustrated features a fairly glaring typo (if you haven't figured it out yet, the error appears in DaJuan's first name. Larger image can be found here). It's not as though there are a ton of words on the cover that the editor had to review before the issue went out, yet here we are and this is what's on the stands this week. Now I do have to give the guy(s) whose fault this is a little bit of a break considering they routinely run into names like Dwyane and Cletidius, but a misspelling on the cover? That is really bad. What I really don't get is why they didn't just choose a player from Georgetown with a normal name. I mean, was Johnathan Wallace not available?*

*You see, that's funny because Wallace's real first name is spelled "Jonathan." Get it? Whatever. You try being f'n hysterical.

Update on Clay Buchholz: The Smittblog Was Way, WAY Off About Him

2008-03-13T17:11:00.004-05:00

According to this young lady and Clay's dad, Buchholz ain't doin to bad for himself.
So 'member when I wrote that short ditty about how Clay Buchholz is weird looking and probably won't get any ass (the title of that post was actually "Clay Buchholz Ain't Gonna Be A Real Hit With The Ladies")? Well, it seems young Clay has proven me wrong. WAY wrong. It seems Clay has found himself a lady friend. A young woman entrepreneur named Erica Ellyson:

Buchholz's dad confirmed to WZLX yesterday that his boy has spent some quality time with the 23-year-old centerfold.

"I know he's met her, gone out with her, but I don't know if you consider that dating . . . but hey, a boy could do worse," Skip Buchholz told 'ZLX's Karlson & McKenzie yesterday.

Apparently Erica also spilled the beans - somewhat - to Howard Stern the other morning, telling the satellite shock jock that she was sleeping with someone on the Sox.

"It doesn't surprise me any," said Clay's dad. "Last year up in Boston he was dating a Victoria's Secret model, so he's moving up the ladder . . . . I mean, he's got pretty good taste."

As the gents from Baseball Musings point out, I don't know that I necessarily agree that taking on a Penthouse Pet over a Victoria's Secret Model is a step "up the ladder," unless that is the "odds of getting genital warts" ladder.

Regardless, kudos to Clay. I'm sure he's well aware that if he weren't a baseball player he'd be getting his STD's from the buttfugliest hog that Beaumont, Texas had to offer.

Matt Walsh Is A Sick Bastard

2008-03-10T21:00:00.004-05:00

You know what would be hysterical? If you stuck this sharp metal object in someone's bed and hoped that they sat on it! Actually, that wouldn't be funny at all.
For better or worse, we're going to learn a lot about the Patriot's former video lacky Matt Walsh in the coming weeks and months. But if some of the stuff coming out about him now is any indication, he's welcome to crawl right back in that hole from whence he came.

This week the Boston Globe (a periodical which clearly is going full speed ahead with pro-Pats propaganda mode) came out with a feature about Walsh by one of its lead investigative reporters. Most of the stuff in the article referenced items that had been floating around the newswire over the last couple of weeks. Taped conversations, shady behavior and other incidents that don't portray Walsh in the most positive light. But there was once incident highlighted in the article that makes him sound like a pretty fucked up and sick kid:

"In developing a portrait of Walsh, a personable sports lover now working as an assistant golf pro in Hawaii, the Globe also learned that he has exaggerated or misrepresented elements of his online biography, and that he was dismissed from the Springfield College golf team in 1995 after he played a dangerous prank on a woman."

"According to the alleged victim, a woman who was dating Walsh's roommate, Walsh was so miffed that she and his roommate might spend time on his bed while he was away that he booby-trapped his sheets with a stainless steel, six-pronged blender blade.
The woman, whose account was corroborated by Walsh's former roommate, said she vividly recalls being startled and slightly injured when she sat on the knife-sharp object. She said the episode forever changed her view of Walsh, whom she had known since high school and Walsh's roommate had considered his best friend since childhood."

So fearing his best friend was going to make out on his bed, Walsh booby trapped it with a potentially lethal metal instrument? In what world does that qualify as a "prank"? That's not like Saran Wrap on the toilet seat or short sheeting the bed, that's fucking sadistic shit. Essentially what Walsh is saying with this prank is: "Dude, I'm serious this time. If you bang your girlfriend on my bed tonight you're gonna fuckin pay. I'm going to leave a sharp metal object in the bed that is capable of slicing your dick off." And that was just his revenge for lying in his bed! Imagine what type of shit he's capable of to get back at the dude who fired him for being a devious fuck?

Too Good To Pass Up

2008-03-10T20:57:00.003-05:00

This has nothing to do with anything except that it is f'n hysterical. Fred & Sharon couldn't be more Canadian and they seriously want to help you videotape stuff. I could watch this video about 700 more times before it got old. It's like an SNL sketch except funny.

Girardi Says Play Hard Later. For Now, Play Like A Pussy

2008-03-10T20:32:00.002-05:00

Shhh! Don't bother Mr. Matsui! It's only the preseason.
I don't want to spend too much time on this because I can't believe anyone in their right mind is on the same side as Joe Girardi on this issue but it's at least worth a mention.

So on Saturday, Yankees' rookie catcher Francisco Cervelli was trying to coral a throw home when DEVIL Ray 2nd baseman Elliott Johnson came home and just leveled him. Cervelli lost the ball, Johnson scored and Cervelli broke his wrist. Pretty intense for a pre-season game but shit happens and you have to expect aggressive hustle plays during Spring Training when players have to do whatever it takes to stand out. Sadly, that's not how Sour Joe Girardi.

When interviewed about the play after the game, Girardi was bullshit:

"I think it was uncalled for, it's spring training and you are going to get people hurt and we got Cervelli hurt," Girardi said of Johnson... "I am all for playing hard but I don't think it's the time to run over a catcher in spring training."

Not entirely finished, Girardi then blamed Rays Manager Joe Maddon for not having control of his guys

"I have always known you don't do it," Girardi said of instigating home plate collisions in games that don't count.

"I know kids are playing aggressive and playing hard and that's the way you want them to play. But if it happens too much maybe you should mention it.

"It's one thing to get hit by a pitch or twist an ankle running the bases. But to run over someone, I don't understand it.

Since the incident, I haven't heard one person come out in defense of Girardi's stance here (even Yankee homer Michael Kay called Girardi out on his radio show today). So I guess there's really no argument here that Girardi is in the right. I mean, what the F did you want Johnson to do? He's a kid dying to make a team on an organization FULL of young upstart players who are all likely more talented than he is. He has to do EVERYTHING better than the other guy to get noticed. If he's sprinting home and then pulls up at home plate so as not to injure the catcher, he loses all credibility and no matter how he explains it to the coaches, he's f'd. If he slides in feet first, he risks injuring himself. If he tries some weird acrobatic move, he looks like an asshole who doesn't know what he was doing. Taking out the catcher was the right move because it showed he instinctively knew what to do in that position and it showed just how bad he wants on that team. If anyone is to be blamed it's that idiot catcher who got himself hurt. Get in position and catch the fucking ball, pansy. And Joe knows that. He was a fucking catcher for Christ's sake.

I thought the flagship of Joe Girardi's makeover movement was to add a new sense of "toughness" to the Yanks. I guess that only means when he says so or when the lights are on or on national tv or maybe only in October. What we know now is that for about the next month, you can rest assured the Yanks won't give their best effort. They'll simply half ass it. I'm sure that won't roll over into the regular season.

I Hate IO Digital Cable

2008-03-10T18:27:00.002-05:00

The person who made this horrible commercial should be drawn and quartered. It's on TV every 15 minutes and features one of the most annoyingly contagious repetitive hooks in the history of television. It's the equivalent of a jazzed up version of the Sleepy's jingle in terms of degree of unpleasantness. If you want to know what it's like to watch my cable programming package, leave this page open on your computer and every 10 minutes or so play the video. An hour or so into the madness you will develop a desire to kill someone, likely the gentleman singing the song in the video. You have my blessing to follow through on that desire. Please.

Welcome To Beijing! Please Keep Your Lungs Closed At All

2008-03-10T18:26:00.006-05:00

Aside from the overcrowding, oppressive government social programs and suffocating pollution, Beijing doesn't seem half bad.
Other than those years when a political crisis forces some country to bag out of the Olympics in protest, the Olympics are supposed to feature the world's best athletes. Winning gold in an Olympic event usually means that you are the best in the world. But what if instead of the best athletes in the world showing up only those who don't care about doing irreversible damage to their lungs showed. Well, that's what's going on in Beijing right now.

Today, Haile Gebrselassie, the world record holder in the marathon announced that he will not compete in the marathon in the upcoming Summer Games because he is fearful that the poor air quality and because, well, he likes being alive. Organizers fear that this is just the tip of the iceberg and if the world record holder bows out it's only a matter of time before others follow suit in other marquee events. So instead of Mike Phelps and Asafa Powell, you get Cheech Marin and Joan Rivers. They are the only people who have consumed enough smoke in their lifetimes to withstand the shock to the the system that the Beijing air represents. While those events would be funny, if more world record holders pull out of this Olympics, this thing is going to turn into a joke. It'll be no more a spectacle of the World's Best Athletes than your local high school track meet. And all in the name of appeasing the New World Order. Makes sense, I mean it would have sucked to run in the clear air and crystal skies of Toronto or Paris anyway.

Clay Buchholz Ain't Gonna Be A Real Hit With The Ladies

2008-03-10T17:48:00.003-05:00

Is it me or does Buchholz look like Doug Flutie (played by Rich Hall) in that SNL episode when Bishop Desmond Tutu busts the arm off Flutie's Heisman Trophy. Good gravy that is not a flattering photo.

The Belgian Twaffle

2008-03-09T19:08:00.005-05:00

Kristof Ongenaet's coast-to-coast 3 point play was a momentum changer and possibly season saver.
If you didn't watch the above play or haven't watched the Syracuse this year you can't possibly understand the utter absurdity that the above photographs represent. Hanging on that rim is Belgian native and JuCo transfer Kristof Ongenaet. He of the 5 second set shot, the floor presence of a Madame Tussaud exhibit and the incomporable EuroHawk hairdo he kicks (it's like a tapered mullet in the rear cut tight on the sides with a texture that seems to lack treatment of shower product). Prior to 3 weeks ago, Ongenaet, while not a liability, didn't exactly add much to the team on either end of the floor other than a warm body and 5 fouls to give on a team that desperately needed both. In that capacity, Ongenaet was a genius. He didn't turn the ball over and he was always good for a hard foul here and there. Lately something has different has been happening.

Ongenaet had a double-double at halftime of the Seton Hall game and has grabbed 8+ boards and played 30+ minutes in almost every game down the stretch. He also gets the 2-3 zone. He is, arguably, the most consistent defender on the wing of the zone only rarely getting out of position. He is versatile enough to scare the deep threat and strong enough to defend the post. On offense he never holds the ball for longer than 2 seconds and is neither a threat to drive or shoot but he is ALWAYS moving. He occupies a defender (or two) and is really the only player who understands the soft spots in zones. Plus he kills the offensive glass. He's either tapping the ball out (or in) or grabbing an extra board in a key spot. He easily leads the team in aggressive / hustle fouls. In terms of basketball smarts, Ongenaet is light years ahead of most of his inexperienced teammates. That's why it was so frustrating to watch him play. You put his brain (and guts) in Donte Greene's body and you have the best player in the game.

For all of these great qualities, Ongenaet doesn't have the confidence to do much with his unique skillset. He can pass and he can drive and he can shoot and he can dunk, he just doesn't. And really, he doesn't even try. In Ongenaet's defense, Syracuse has enough offensive bravado to spare. He's a grinder and in that role he has probably exceeded expectations. Ongenaet is neither asked to nor is he required to provide a spark. But holy shit did he provide a spark on Saturday.

With Marquette making a run early in the second half of Saturday afternoon's game, Ongenaet got loose for the business end of an alley-oop in the halfcourt set. A showing of athleticism so out of character that I literally fell out of my seat at the bar (I was a few deep). But what happened next was the play of the year for Syracuse basketball and perhaps the spark they need to get themselves into the tournament.

With the crowd still buzzing from The Twaffle's alley-oop throwdown, Marquette quickly moved up the floor to try and catch 'Cuse snoozing. As his nature, Ongenaet was already back on D having beaten just about everyone back into position. Marquette's Lazar Hayward was flying towards the hoop when Ongenaet wrenched the ball right from his hands and started up the floor the other way. He quickly crossed over at mid-court and now there was no one between he and the hoop. But Hayward was not going to let this fly. As Ongenaet approached the lane, Hayward was right on his hip pocket and in decent position to deny the shit out of the lanky Belgian as he try and meekly lay the ball on the glass. That's when the unthinkable happened. Ongenaet was flying at the rim with reckless abandon. He rose, and rose and with Marquette's Hayward sharing the same breath, he throws down a two-handed jam while getting violently hacked from behind. His fingers grasp the rim for as long as he can must but with the shared momentum of his acceleration and the added shove of Hayward are too much and he goes flying under the rim in an awkward tumble and smacks his nose on the floor, blood everywhere. The Dome erupts. The bar is in a frenzy. Most of the people in the bar aren't even really watching the game and certainly weren't 'Cuse fans (most were early arrivals for the Duke - N.C. game) but they are screaming at the top of their lungs as the replay rolls across the screen over and over again. It was outstanding.

After that play, Marquette didn't stand a chance. They never came closer than 8 the rest of the way. The team seemed to have a new swagger and the players seemed inspired by the guts of their Euro Grinder. Their reaction was the same as ours: Where did that come from? The kid has never shown that type of athleticism and maybe he doesn't really possess it but he did at that moment and it changed the game and perhaps the season. It's not too often you get to say that about a play or a player. But the Twaffle had that moment and given his drive and his rising confidence, here's hoping he's got more in him.

Bucknell Bison Buzzer Beater Bankjob... FROM FORTY FUCKIN FEET!

2008-03-06T22:01:00.004-05:00

The title of this post is tight (como se dice "alliteration"?). BU is 12-18 after beating Navy and heading into the Semis against suddenly struggling Colgate. Can they pull another one out of their ass? Tune in and find out.*

*Semifinal game will not be broadcast nationally.

SI.com Chooses Odd Photo To Honor Notre Dame's Harangody

2008-03-05T22:15:00.007-05:00

"Sloth loves ball."
Congratulations are in order to ND's Luke Harangody for receiving the well deserved accolade of Second Team All-American on SI.com's list for 2007-2008. Unfortunately for Luke--a gent who is not the most photogenic of folk to begin with--the picture SI used for the online article makes him look as though someone slapped him on the back when he was young and that face he was making stuck. Holy cross-eyed batman.

Curse of The Double Deuce

2008-03-05T21:16:00.002-05:00

Yet another reason why I love YouTube. Geniuses like the guy who put together the above "Oscar style" montage.
Well, fortunately, it turns out that reports of Patrick Swayze's demise were greatly exaggerated. And thank God because after Brett Favre left this earthly realm, the world was not ready for the passing of yet another American Icon. What? Brett's not dead? Oh... well then why the fuck is everyone freaking out about him? Anyhoo, the news of Swayze's affliction on top of this weekend's passing of blind Canadian Guitarist Jeff Healy at the far too young age of 41 (maybe it's just me but I thought his death would receive much more publicity than it did) led me to wonder what is going on with the cast of Road House? It seems that some of the major players are kicking the bucket in quick succession (or at least two of them almost did). So I ask: Is the cast of Road House cursed? And lest you think I'm overreacting, just check out the list of some of the more unfortunate fates of the cast members below (Actor's name - role in Road House - demise):

Chris Latta - Bar Patron - "Now deceased actor and cartoon voice specialist, Chris Latta plays a bar patron who offers his wife's assets to be fondled for twenty dollars. This situation eventually starts one of the many bar brawls. Latta is best known for being the voice of Cobra Commander (G.I. Joe) and Starscream (Transformers)"

Sunshine Parker - Emmett - Deceased 1999

Jeff Healy - Cody - Deceeased 2008

Kelly Lynch - Dr. Elizabeth Clay - Turned down the Sharon Stone role in Basic Instinct (1992).

Ben Gazzara - Brad Wesley - One foot in the grave (not that he's ill, just old)

Dennis Ott - Bar Character - Deceased 1994 (AIDS)

Chino 'Fats' Williams - Derelict - Deceased 2000

Jasae - Strip Joint Girl - starred in porn classics like "The Barefoot Alien 2: The Foot Erotic" under the sobriquet Elise Di Medici and produced such gems as "Cloak and Gag 'Er".

Ancel Cook - Grillman - Deceased 2001

Red West - Red Webster - Old as dirt and almost dead.

That is a laundry list of actors who have suffered terrible fates. Sure some of them were old and died as a result of their age but others suffered such bizarre fates that it's hard to think it can all be just a coincidence. There are greater forces at work here. Sam Elliott better watch his ass...

JJ Redick, Doin Duke Proud

2008-03-04T21:45:00.000-05:00

I f'n hate Duke, but I love airballed layups.

Tyree's Tecmo Snatch

2008-03-04T21:40:00.002-05:00

I stole this directly from the Sports Guy's links but it was so good I couldn't help myself. Plus, I'll use any excuse I can get to put Tecmo Bowl footage on my site.

Why Isn't Barry Bonds On The Angels?

2008-03-03T20:50:00.004-05:00

Cripes, even high school Barry would be an upgrade to the current Angels lineup.
The Mariners got Erik Bedard, the Rangers young team is a year older and their pitching depth is outstanding and the A's always seem to put together a competitive team. So how did the deep pocketed Anaheim Angels keep up this offseason? They picked up the 32 year-old Torii Hunter and journeyman Jon Garland. Whooopfuckineee. Take a look at their projected lineup:

Figgins (S)
Kendrick (R)
Guerrero (R)
Hunter (R)
Anderson (L) or Matthews (S)
Juan Rivera (R)
Kotchman (L)
Aybar (S)
Napoli (R)

Do you notice anything missing? I mean, yeah Torii Hunter provides some protection to Vlad. Or at least more protection than Garret Anderson would when healthy, but where is the lefty threat? Kotchman can't hit for shit (19HRs in 764 ABs) and none of their switch hitters have any real power. Right now Juan Rivera is filling the DH position and while he does have decent power, that lineup looks a little different with Barry Lamar Bonds in the 3 hole.

Figgins (S)
Kendrick (R)
Bonds (L)
Guerrero (R)
Hunter (R)
Anderson (L) or Matthews (S)
Kotchman (L)
Aybar (S)
Napoli (R)

Bonds-Guerrero-Hunter? Now THAT is a middle of the lineup you can be proud of. You put a guy in front of Guerrero who gets on base over 50% of the time. You have speed on the bases in front of Bonds and protection behind him. When Chone Figgins used to get on base, he'd get moved over by Kendrick, Guerrero would be pitched around and you'd hope some limp dick like Anderson or Rivera wouldn't strike out. Now, you move Figgins to second and you can't pitch around Bonds because you've got 1st and 2nd with one out and the free swinging Guerrero on deck. With Bonds you extend the game because the other team can't throw their righty straight through the middle of the lineup. With Bonds as the DH you can almost he would project to hit double the combined projected HRs of all other lefties in that lineup and increase the total home runs the Angels hit by about 15-20%. It allows you so much more flexibility with your bench because you can pinch Rivera at almost anywhere in the lineup and have the best bench in the league with the likes of Matthews/Anderson, Kendry Morales and Maicer Izturis, not to mention Reggie Willits waiting in the wings for some speed.

Now clearly I'm skimming over the elephant in the room about the moral flexibility that a team must have in order to put a Bonds on their team, but this is a team currently featuring Mitchell Report All-Star Gary Matthews, Jr. and Paul Byrd, Troy Glaus and Brendan Donnelly were all Angels when they were documented to having been involved in PEDs. So the Angels clearly can't stand on too high a moral highground. The bottom line here is that the division is much better, the American League is much better and the Angels are not yet much better. They could be. In fact, they could be the team to beat in the AL West. All they need is some lefty meat in that lineup. And he and his 12 ring circus are just up the street.

Jerry Porter Got Paid What?

2008-03-02T19:30:00.004-05:00

The Jags would've been better off setting fire to $30 million ($10 million guaranteed) than giving it to Jerry Porter.
Here's Jerry Porter's resume:

1. Laughed at his teammates as they got their asses kicked on the field.
2. Refused to play hard because his coach wouldn't allow champagne in the training facility.
3. Walked out of a practice because it was taking too long.
4. Parked in Al Davis' parking spot.
5. Suspended from his team (twice) as a result of the above incidents.
6. Plays the wide receiver position at a very average level.

So he's a clubhouse killing ne'erdowell who doesn't even have the decency to produce on the field. And the rough-and-tumble Jags are giving him $30 million over the next 6 years? Jerry Porter can probably thank Randy Moss for this gratuity but at least Randy at one point in his career had the decency to produce. Jerry Porter hasn't done shit and they don't have a QB who can get him the ball enough to keep Porter from becoming a problem, again. This ain't gonna end well...

Swami ManRammy: Manny The Meditator

2008-03-02T17:18:00.009-05:00

Why did Manny skip the White House trip? History and Yoga, obviously.
The guy just never disappoints. Whether it's with the bat or an off-the-field oddity, Manny Ramirez always keeps us guessing. But after the latest tidbit about the personal habits of Manuel Ramirez, I think I'm all guessed out:

...hearing the president in person was not as important to Ramirez as maintaining his relatively new interest in a form of meditation called Mantra Yoga.

It is his new passion for his down time, and he had some of that on Wednesday. So when asked if he needed a presidential remark to feel important, he said he did not.

“I was doing meditation in my house, so I feel more important,” Ramirez said. “That’s what I do now. In my time off, I read books and I meditate. That’s what I do.”

Ramirez said he is reading history books, most having to do with the Dominican Republic. When the books are closed, he is engaging in Mantra Yoga, introduced to him by his uncle Rico.

Asked to explain what it is like, Ramirez said, “I don’t know how to explain it to you in English,” and he added that it would be difficult in Spanish, as well.

So it’s hard to put into words.

“Yeah, but I like it,” Ramirez said.

He said there is no stretching involved, and that it involves “concentration and stuff like that.”

"concentration and stuff like that..." Obviously Manny has a deep understanding with the depth of the craft. I don't know where we go from here but it seems that, as usual, there is much more to the ManRam than meets the eye.

Hank Stein: "There’s A Media Conspiracy Against The Yankees"

2008-02-29T19:14:00.002-05:00

In the world according to Hank, everyone's in on the anti-Yankee conspiracy.
I gotta hand it to Hank, he is really filling George’s crazy statement void in a big way. He seems just as out of touch with reality as his old man, and that is terrific because it is going to make for a ton of great blog post opportunities, including this one here (though this probably doesn't rise to the level of "great).

So Hank thinks that the increased popularity in the Red Sox is akin to the Yeti or the Global Warming. Just a figment of our imagination and those who keep fostering the idea have some sordid anti-Yankee agenda. Amittedly I’m putting an awful lot of spin on the below quote but the greater point is that to even suggest that ESPN, or any sports media outlet, is somehow "biased" AGAINST the Yankees is not simply wrong--though it is unquestionably a false statement–but completely insane:

"Red Sox Nation?" Hank says. "What a bunch of [expletive] that is. That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans. Go anywhere in America and you won’t see Red Sox hats and jackets, you’ll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. We’re going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order."

So ESPN gives more love to the Sox than the Yanks? They sent Chris Connelly to do a tear-jerker piece about a Yankees MIDDLE RELIEVER’s dad last year. The only time the Sox and their fans were in the news more often than the Yanks over the last couple of years was when they Won the F'n series... and even then they were upstaged by A-Rod's contract fiasco. That was followed closely by the Joe Torre situation (DOZENS of hours of airtime) and then Clemens and Pettitte. If there is a bias against the Yankees, how are the Royals supposed to feel?

Now, I would agree that the Sox have WAY outmarketed the Yanks in terms of creating a brand for their fan-base (for better or worse) and ESPN is certainly complicit in that growth, but who are the Yanks to complain about the overexposure of another team? There is not a day that goes by that we don’t hear about the Yankees. It made news when we learned that Joba would be limited to 150 innings and likely start in the bullpen! Can you even name a middle reliever on another team? I don’t think there are a whole lot of tears being shed for the lack of exposure for the Yanks.

What I also enjoyed about this quote was Hank coming off as that guy who walks into a grocery store and can’t find the blackjack gum or RC Cola and gets pissed when he can’t find the showtimes for the Drive-in or can’t understand why the picture on his wall is moving around and talking to him. I know this new world with all its gizmos and gadgets must be awfully confusing, but we’ve come a long way since 1955. The first thing that Hank needs to realize is that the Yankees teams that "ruled the universe" are no longer. The league is much more competitive and even though the Yankees are STILL the most popular team, they won’t get back to their glory days of the 30's, 60's and 90's until they get some pitching. They may have the worst starting pitching staff in their division and possibly the third worst in the American League. But more importantly, who the fuck wears a Yankees or Red Sox jacket? Are we talking High School Letterman Jackets or windbreakers or something? I don’t think anyone is suggesting that the fans across the country are walking around in Red Sox leather jackets. I’m pretty sure the Starter Jacket fad went the way of "French-rolled" pants and the NHL. I can just picture Hank talking with his head of marketing about the new products for the 2008 season and suggesting a line of Yankees parachute pants or perhaps a felt Boller or Derby.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, the Hank Steinbrenner era is going to be a friggin treat.

Bobby Gonzalez Goes Gonzo On His Assistant Coaches

2008-02-29T18:28:00.004-05:00

This is an artist's rendering of the moments that led up to the fracas between Bobby Gonzalez and his assistant coaches.
As first mentioned by ESPN's Pat Forde this week, a coach was viewed while engaged in hand-to-hand combat with one at least one of his assistant coaches during halftime of a recent Big East basketball game:

"Spies tell The Minutes that a Big East coach who shall remain nameless recently got into a halftime argument with one of his assistants in a hallway outside the locker room. According to a source, it escalated to the point where punches were thrown."

This, of course, led to the inevitable blog / message board dirt digging and that coach is nameless no more. Turns out (according to The Big Lead the coach in question was none other than Seton Hall's up and coming young coach Bobby Gonzalez:

"Two independent sources we spoke with claim that the Big East coach who threw fists with one of his assistant coaches was Seton Hall’s Bobby Gonzalez. The sources say that on February 17th, as Seton Hall was headed to the locker room for halftime, trailing West Virginia 45-30, an agitated Gonzalez went “nose-to-nose” with an assistant coach."

If this is true, and the veracity of the story MUST come to light, Bobby is in a bit of trouble. This doesn't rise to a Bobby Knight player choke or even a Kelvin Sampson conference call, but it's probably fairly important for the children of who are being recruited by Seton Hall to know whether or not the future coach of their children is a hothead who can be so easily be agitated that he fights his handpicked assistants. Should be interesting...

New Weekly NFL Draft Feature

2008-02-18T21:32:00.004-05:00

This new draft feature will be better than New Coke!
I love the NFL draft. Other than the beginning of the baseball season and perhaps March Madness, the Draft is my favorite event. I also love the absurd coverage and millions of mock drafts that continue to change for no reason in particular. And it is those changes that I am going to focus on. Starting this week, I will be keeping track of 3 different lists and noting the changes in those lists and the reasoning behind those changes. I'll follow the mock draft of Don Banks of SI.com, the mock draft of Todd McShay of Scouts, Inc. and Mel Kiper's Big Board. When changes to the lists are made I will try and point out the reasoning and whether or not it makes any sense or is just media hype. The purpose of this is to prove that hype and media contribute more to the changes in mock drafts than fact and measurables. Hopefully through this "study" my suspicions will be confirmed.

Also, before I go any further, I want to openly declare my love for DE out of Miami, Calais Campbell. He's 6'8", 280lbs, should run the 40 in the 4.6s and is raw as hell. Mario Williams was 6'7", 290lbs and ran a 4.66 40. If Campbell gets in that speed range, he'll go top ten. I want the Pats to take him so badly that I might start a donation jar or petition or something. Campbell is a freak. Go get him.

Anyhoo, here goes nothing.

Don Banks Mock Draft

1 DE Chris Long Virginia Sr. 6-3 266
For the time being at least, I've talked myself out of the notion that Bill Parcells will invest No. 1 overall money in a defensive tackle who may not be a great fit for the 3-4 defense that Miami eventually wants to transition to. So LSU's Glenn Dorsey is out of my top spot and Long is in. Howie Long's boy is the kind of high-intensity player Parcells loves, and you can at least defend the pick in terms of dollars, since pass rushers get paid the big bucks in the NFL. The Dolphins will obviously entertain trade offers for the No. 1 slot -- if there are any -- and Boston College quarterback Matt Ryan is the other viable candidate if Miami isn't sold on second-year QB John Beck.

2 OT Jake Long Michigan Sr. 6-7 309
The Rams took a defensive tackle in Adam Carriker with their first rounder last year, so they likely won't take Dorsey. They re-signed Marc Bulger to a long-term deal, so they can't take Ryan. They have Steven Jackson in the backfield, so running back Darren McFadden makes no sense. That means either shop the pick or take the other Long, who would immediately upgrade the Rams' offensive line, which was a source of constant concern in their disappointing 2007 season.

3 QB Matt Ryan Boston College Sr. 6-5 221
Ryan is on the rise in these, the pre-NFL Combine days, and come draft weekend the Falcons may feel fortunate if he's still hanging around when their pick arrives. If he is, he's a no-brainer for a franchise that had little hope at the game's most pivotal position last season. Should Ryan be gone, Dorsey, Jake Long or McFadden all would fill a need. In other words, the Falcons, if they win that coin flip with Oakland for the No. 3 spot, have at least four quality options to choose from.

4 DT Glenn Dorsey LSU Sr. 6-1 310
The Raiders could go a lot of different ways, including trying to shop the No. 4 pick to anyone interested in McFadden (Dallas, we're looking in your direction), taking McFadden themselves or filling the void at defensive tackle created by Warren Sapp's retirement. If they go for the latter option, it should come down to whether they like Dorsey more than they like USC defensive tackle Sedrick Ellis, who had a strong week at the Senior Bowl and has risen to a top-five grade in the eyes of many scouts.

5 OT Ryan Clady Boise St. Jr. 6-6 317
This is strictly a need pick for the Chiefs, whose glaring inefficiency at offensive line last season was apparent from Week 1 on. We had them taking Michigan tackle Jake Long in our first mock, but he's off our board this time. This is actually too high to take Clady, the second-best tackle in the draft, so Kansas City would be wise to trade down into the No. 8-12 range and try to get him there. Anyone coveting McFadden would be the Chiefs' natural trade partner.

6 RB Darren McFadden Arkansas Jr. 6-2 212
With Thomas Jones on hand, New York isn't really in need of a No. 1 rusher, but McFadden may be too tempting to pass up given that some believe he's the closest thing to Adrian Peterson in this year's draft. USC's Ellis and Ohio State defensive end-outside linebacker Vernon Gholston are two other sensible options for the Jets.

7 DE Vernon Gholston Ohio St. Jr. 6-4 255
Conventional wisdom says the Patriots use this pick to find Asante Samuel's replacement once their No. 1 cornerback leaves via free agency. But New England might see restricted free agent Randall Gay as Samuel's successor, and thus could use this pick to select Gholston, a pass-rushing talent who projects to an outside rush linebacker in a 3-4 defense. The Patriots need inside linebackers more than outside linebackers, but Mike Vrabel could always move back inside to make room for Gholston, and there also a chance that outside linebacker Rosevelt Colvin won't return.
* From San Francisco

8 CB Leodis McKelvin Troy Sr. 5-11 186
With No. 8 now considered too high for Louisville quarterback Brian Brohm, the Ravens could address their need at cornerback, where Samari Rolle and Chris McAllister aren't what they once were. McKelvin is the top-ranked corner, but Baltimore could also find Boise State offensive left tackle Ryan Clady to be a fit if the No. 5 Chiefs pass him up.

9 DT Sedrick Ellis USC Sr. 6-1 308
The Bengals' top need would dovetail perfectly with the best available talent remaining on the board if Ellis is still around. Ellis is the kind of explosive and athletic play-making presence that the Bengals desperately need in their interior defensive line. His good work at the Senior Bowl shot him up into top-four territory on some draft boards, but for the time being we still have him rated below Dorsey among defensive tackles.

10 CB Mike Jenkins South Florida Sr. 6-0 200
With Jason David proving to be more of a nickelback than a starter, and Mike McKenzie suffering a late-season ACL injury, the Saints are desperate for help at cornerback in this draft. Jenkins gets a solid first-round grade, as does Kansas cornerback Aqib Talib. Both should be there for the choosing at No. 10 for the Saints.

11 WR/PR DeSean Jackson Cal Jr. 6-0 179
We're sticking with Jackson for the Bills, even though the other projected first-round receivers -- Malcolm Kelly of Oklahoma, Mario Manningham of Michigan and Limas Sweed of Texas -- all have their strengths. Jackson isn't thought to be as polished a receiver, but he's the best vertical threat with the biggest upside.

12 OT Chris Williams Vanderbilt Sr. 6-5 318
With the retirement of Matt Lepsis, finding a replacement at offensive tackle rises to the top of the Broncos' need list. If Clady is gone, Denver could easily shift its focus to Williams, who has great size and NFL-ready footwork.

13 DE Phillip Merling Clemson Jr. 6-4 275
The Panthers have a number of needs that fit well with their draft slot. They could address their likely vacancy at offensive tackle -- where Travelle Wharton is expected to depart via free agency -- by taking Pitt's Jeff Otah, or give Steve Smith some help by selecting a receiver such as Kelly or Manningham. But Merling is a junior prospect who has been gaining momentum in recent weeks, and Carolina needs youth and more impact in its pass rush.

14 QB Brian Brohm Louisville Sr. 6-3 225
Opinion varies greatly on whether the Bears will go with a quarterback in the first round, and Brohm doesn't currently carry a first-round grade on every draft board. But the Bears can't go through another status quo year at quarterback, and the free-agent pickings are pretty slim. Unless the Bears have a strong conviction about a passer in the second round, we're giving them Brohm over an offensive tackle like Otah or a defensive tackle like North Carolina's Kentwan Balmer.

15 CB Aqib Talib Kansas Jr. 6-2 201
The Lions need an upgrade in the secondary and Talib is a proven play-maker who has prototypical NFL size for a cornerback and can also be a situational receiver on offense. The other area of need that makes sense here is offensive tackle, where Otah and USC's Sam Baker remain possibilities.

16 RB Rashard Mendenhall Illinois Jr. 6-2 203
The Cardinals are in a significant cap crunch this offseason and one of the byproducts of that situation is that Edgerrin James' return for a third season in the desert is not guaranteed. Even if James is back, don't rule out Mendenhall, who some believe will be a better NFL back than the flashier Darren McFadden.

17 DE Derrick Harvey Florida Jr. 6-4 250
With this week's news that 2004 first-round defensive end Kenechi Udeze is battling leukemia, the Vikings have even more motivation to be thinking of improving their pass rush in this year's first round. Minnesota should have its choice between Harvey and 6-foot-8 Miami junior defensive end Calais Campbell.

18 RB Jonathan Stewart Oregon Jr. 5-11 233
We could see the Texans taking Miami safety Kenny Phillips as well, but Stewart is a big, powerful runner who gives Houston its long-term starter in the backfield once the stop-gap Ahman Green era is over.

19 S Kenny Phillips Miami (Fla.) Jr. 6-2 203
The Eagles could make Donovan McNabb happy by taking their highest-rated receiver here -- Manningham, Kelly or Sweed -- but that's rarely the Philly way. A defensive end like Campbell or choosing Phillips, the eventual replacement for 34-year-old free safety Brian Dawkins, is more likely.

20 WR Mario Manningham Michigan Jr. 6-0 188
The Bucs offensive line could get their first-round attention, but given head coach Jon Gruden's tendency to fall in love with offensive play-makers, Manningham or Oklahoma's Kelly are a more likely bet. Manningham doesn't have Kelly's prototypical NFL receiver size, but he's got a track record as a play-maker.

21 WR Malcolm Kelly Oklahoma Jr. 6-4 215
The Redskins have tried to go the small-receiver route without much success. Kelly is 6-4, 215 pounds and scouts rave about his fluid moves and the strength and reliability of his hands. If Washington doesn't go for a receiver in Kelly or Sweed, Campbell or Otah would fill first-round worthy needs.

22 RB Felix Jones Arkansas Jr. 6-0 205
If the Cowboys don't package their two No. 1's in an effort to move up and take Arkansas running back Darren McFadden, maybe they'll sit tight and settle for the Hogs' other play-making rusher. Jones would replace Julius Jones, and become the new half of the Marion Barber-Jones backfield tandem.
* From Cleveland.

23 OT Jeff Otah Pittsburgh Sr. 6-5 339
The Steelers have needs all along the offensive line, and Otah, who played collegiately at Heinz Field, is a good value pick who they are very familiar with. Though he's 6-5 and 339 pounds, Otah is both nimble and athletic and scouts believe he'll continue to improve early on in his NFL career.

24 WR Limas Sweed Texas Sr. 6-4 219
Sweed will likely end the run of first-round receivers at four, and we can't resist the notion of reuniting him with his former Longhorns quarterback, Vince Young. Sweed reaggravated a wrist injury at the Senior Bowl and that bears monitoring, but given the Titans' need for receiving options, he's too good to pass up.

25 TE Fred Davis USC Sr. 6-4 234
The Seahawks would love to set themselves up for the post-Shaun Alexander era with this pick, but McFadden, Mendenhall, Stewart and Jones are all gone, so Seattle must address other areas of need. Davis is the only first-round tight end in the draft, and he'll give the Seahawks passing game a threat in the deep middle the way Jerramy Stevens once did.

26 DE Calais Campbell Miami (Fla.) Jr. 6-8 279
The Jaguars' pass rush needs help at right end, where Bobby McCray and Reggie Hayward are far from dominating. If Campbell slips this far into the first round, Jacksonville should roll the dice on the 6-8, 279-pound junior who gets good marks in both run defense and the pass rush. If the Jags are thinking receiver, LSU's Early Doucet and Indiana's James Hardy are the likely candidates.

27 DT Kentwan Balmer North Carolina Sr. 6-4 297
The Chargers can go a lot of different directions, but Balmer is an on-the-rise talent who's rated in the top half of the first round by some, and he'd give San Diego an eventual replacement for nose tackle Jamal Williams, who just completed his 10th NFL season.

28 CB Dominique-Rodgers Cromartie Tenn. State Sr. 6-2 181
The Cowboys need someone solid opposite cornerback Terence Newman, and the likes of Anthony Henry and Jacques Reeves really isn't getting it done. Rodgers-Cromartie had a great Senior Bowl showing despite his small-school label, and the success of his cousin, San Diego's Antonio Cromartie, also adds to the first-round buzz he has generated in recent weeks.

29 OLB Keith Rivers USC Sr. 6-3 236
The 49ers could be tempted by LSU receiver Early Doucet, USC offensive tackle Sam Baker or Boston College offensive tackle Gosder Cherilus, all of whom would fill huge needs. But Rivers is likely to be the highest-rated player left on their board, and outside linebacker is another need if they don't get into the Lance Briggs sweepstakes.
* From Indianapolis

30 OT Gosder Cherilus Boston College Sr. 6-7 312
The Packers could use an upgrade at offensive tackle, where eight-year veteran Chad Clifton had some late-season injury issues. Cherilus is a newcomer to the first-round projection game, and has risen thanks to a strong week of work at the Senior Bowl. He's probably a right tackle in the NFL, and that's Mark Tauscher's spot in Green Bay, but the Packers need some youth at tackle.

31 Pick forfeited -- -- -- -- --
The Patriots lost this pick as their penalty for the Week 1 Spygate episode.

32 CB Brandon Flowers Virginia Tech Jr. 5-11 192
The Giants top need is at outside linebacker, where Kawika Mitchell could leave in free agency, and where Mathias Kiwanuka has yet to prove he can handle the switch from defensive end. New York hopes Rivers lingers, but if he doesn't, getting a cornerback to replace Sam Madison or a safety (N.C. State's DaJuan Morgan) to take over if Gibril Wilson signs elsewhere makes sense.

Todd McShay Mock Draft

1. Miami Dolphins -- Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College
Record: 1-15 | Needs: OT, DL, ILB, CB, QB
Previous mock selection: Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
Assuming for our purposes that the Dolphins are unable to trade down, they will have a difficult decision to make between Ryan, DE Chris Long, OT Jake Long and DT Glenn Dorsey. Either of the Longs makes sense, considering offensive tackle and defensive line are two of the team's biggest needs. Dorsey is considered by many to be the No. 2 player in this year's class, but he's not an ideal fit for a 3-4 defensive scheme and it doesn't make financial sense to spend No. 1-type money on a lineman who will be asked to take up space. That's why Ryan makes a lot of sense.

At the end of the day, it will come down to Bill Parcells' opinion of current Miami QB John Beck, whom the former Dolphins regime drafted in the second round last year. If Parcells thinks he can win with Beck, Jake Long would be the next best option, followed by Chris Long, then Dorsey. If not, Ryan should be the selection. He has all the physical tools of a franchise quarterback and, most importantly, he possesses rare intangibles.

2. St. Louis Rams -- Chris Long, DE, Virginia
Record: 3-13 | Needs: DE, G/OT, CB, OLB, WR
Previous mock selection: Same
The season-ending injury to perennial Pro Bowl tackle Orlando Pace and the Rams' overall poor play along the offensive line in 2007-08 make Jake Long a possibility with this pick. But assuming Pace returns to form, the Rams have a much bigger need along the interior of their offensive line, and tackle can be addressed in free agency or in later rounds of the draft.

Don't be surprised, then, if St. Louis goes with the other Long at No. 2. Chris is not a prototypical edge rusher, but he is a dominant playmaker with rare versatility and a motor that never quits. The Rams could solidify their defensive line for years to come by teaming him with last year's first-round selection, DT Adam Carriker.

3. Atlanta Falcons** -- Darren McFadden*, RB, Arkansas
Record: 4-12 | Needs: QB, OT, DT, RB, S
Previous mock selection: Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College
Ryan should be the Falcons' selection if he is available, but if he is not, Atlanta will have to make a difficult decision among McFadden, Dorsey and Jake Long. The team has needs at all three positions, so this would be tough choice. McFadden is the top prospect on most teams' draft boards, though, so it is easy to envision this scenario playing out. McFadden could provide the type of offensive boost for the Falcons that Adrian Peterson gave the Vikings last season. That type of potential is tough to pass up.

4. Oakland Raiders** -- Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU
Record: 4-12 | Needs: OT, DT, WR, DE, RB
Previous mock selection: Darren McFadden*, RB, Arkansas
The Raiders are financially strapped and will not want to dish out top-five money one year after selecting QB JaMarcus Russell with the top overall pick. If McFadden still is on the board, don't count out a blockbuster trade by owner Al Davis, since Cowboys owner and Arkansas alum Jerry Jones already has made his interest known. If Oakland is stuck here with McFadden gone, it will need to choose between Dorsey and Jake Long. While Long is worth the pick, Dorsey is the higher-rated player. He could provide the type of interior disruption the Raiders' defense has been lacking and fill in nicely for Warren Sapp, who announced his retirement following the 2007 season.

5. Kansas City Chiefs** -- Jake Long, OT, Michigan
Record: 4-12 | Needs: OT, DE, C, WR, CB
Previous mock selection: Same
Quarterback still is a question mark, but the Chiefs' No. 1 priority this offseason should be solidifying their offensive front. Long is unquestionably the most dominant offensive lineman in the 2008 class and could help Kansas City achieve its goal in a hurry. He has the versatility to play either right or left tackle, and his combination of size, technique, athletic ability and a mean streak would improve the Chiefs' line almost immediately.

6. New York Jets -- Vernon Gholston*, DE, Ohio State
Record: 4-12 | Needs: WR, NT, OLB, ILB, G
Projected pick: Same
This could be a bit of a reach for Gholston, who flashes top-10 talent in some games (three sacks against Michigan this season) but disappears in too many others. However, don't be surprised if he works his way into the top 10 simply because this year's crop of elite edge rushers does not meet the level of demand. That said, Gholston is one of the premier pass-rushing prospects in the 2008 class, and he would be the right fit as a rush linebacker in the Jets' 3-4 scheme.

7. N.E. Patriots (from 5-11 San Francisco) -- Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy
Record: 18-1 | Needs: ILB, CB, OLB, OL depth
Previous mock selection: Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida
The Patriots would like to inject some youth at inside linebacker, but there isn't a player worth selecting this high, with USC's Rey Maualuga and Ohio State's James Laurinaitis both returning to school in the fall. The next priority is to find a replacement for Asante Samuel, a free agent who can't be franchised for a second consecutive year. McKelvin currently is the top-rated cornerback in a 2008 crop that is deep but lacks elite talent atop the board. As always, look for the Patriots to shop this pick heavily.

8. Baltimore Ravens -- Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC
Record: 5-11 | Needs: CB, QB, OLB, LOT, DT
Previous mock selection: Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville
Baltimore would like to use this pick to put an end to a seemingly endless pursuit for a franchise quarterback. Unfortunately, there isn't one worth selecting here with Ryan off the board. Instead, the Ravens could go with the best value on the board (Ellis) or fill a hole at either cornerback (Mike Jenkins) or left tackle (Ryan Clady). Knowing the Ravens' draft-day discipline, Ellis will be the pick in this scenario.

9. Cincinnati Bengals -- Derrick Harvey*, DE, Florida
Record: 7-9 | Needs: DT, LB, OT, DE, TE
Previous mock selection: Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC
The Bengals have a much bigger need for interior help, but if Dorsey and Ellis are gone, there isn't a defensive tackle worth drafting at No. 9. Harvey is a bit of a reach here, but coach Marvin Lewis' defense is starving for potential playmakers, and Harvey possesses the pass-rushing skills and frame to develop into an impact starter in the NFL.

10. New Orleans Saints -- Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida
Record: 7-9 | Needs: CB, MLB, DT, OLB, TE
Previous mock selection: Kentwan Balmer, DT, North Carolina
Cornerback and linebacker are the Saints' biggest areas of need, and Jenkins is the best athlete available at those positions. His combination of size, speed and athleticism is outstanding, and his recognition skills continue to improve each season. Jenkins also brings versatility to the table, since he can play some safety and chip in on returns. If New Orleans uses this pick on a corner, it should find much better value at linebacker early in Round 2.

11. Buffalo Bills -- Malcolm Kelly*, WR, Oklahoma
Record: 7-9 | Needs: WR, CB, TE, LB, DT
Previous mock selection: DeSean Jackson*, WR, California
Kelly is the type of big receiver the Bills need as a complement to current wideout Lee Evans. Kelly is unusually fluid for a bigger wideout and he might have the strongest hands of any player in the 2008 draft. However, Jackson could join forces with RB Marshawn Lynch to give Buffalo one of the most exciting young offensive skill groups in the NFL.

12. Denver Broncos -- Ryan Clady*, OT, Boise State
Record: 7-9 | Needs: OT, DT, S, MLB, G
Previous mock selection: Same
Clady still is improving his strength, but he possesses impressive feet to go along with his enormous wingspan and huge frame. He would be an ideal fit in Denver's famed zone-blocking scheme and give a boost to the Broncos' running game.

13. Carolina Panthers -- Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt
Record: 7-9 | Needs: QB, DE, OT, WR, OLB
Previous mock selection: Calais Campbell*, DE, Miami
Instead of drafting a young signal-caller who will need time to develop, look for the Panthers to bring in veteran competition for current QB Matt Moore, who showed some positive signs late in the season. Drafting a defensive end like Campbell to fill a need is a possibility, but don't be surprised if the team looks to fill a hole at offensive tackle, where Travelle Wharton and Jordan Gross are set to become free agents.

14. Chicago Bears -- Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville
Record: 7-9 | Needs: QB, LOT, DT, G, RB
Previous mock selection: Andre' Woodson, QB, Kentucky
The Bears will have a tough decision to make if Brohm still is available at No. 14. There has been a lot of talk about the Bears going in a different direction with this pick, including offensive and defensive tackle. And while that makes a lot of sense, I still wouldn't rule out Brohm just yet. His stock is likely to soar between now and April's draft because he should impress scouts with his overall passing efficiency and football intelligence during the combine and individual workouts.

15. Detroit Lions -- Aqib Talib*, CB, Kansas
Record: 7-9 | Needs: ROT, G, CB, S, DE
Projected pick: Same
The Lions will be selecting outside of the top 10 for the first time since 2001, and now the trick is to find quality players this far down the line. The Lions' secondary is undermanned and would welcome the services of Talib, who is a versatile, fluid athlete with excellent size and ball skills. His elite athleticism was on display when returned an interception 100 yards for a touchdown this season, and he also saw some snaps on offense.

16. Arizona Cardinals -- Rashard Mendenhall*, RB, Illinois
Record: 8-8 | Needs: CB, OLB, TE, RB, DE
Previous mock selection: Jonathan Stewart*, RB, Oregon
The Cardinals have more pressing needs on the other side of the ball -- defensive tackle and cornerback -- but there isn't an available player at those positions who is as valuable as Mendenhall. He has the size, burst and versatility to eventually develop into an every-down starter. In the meantime, Mendenhall and Edgerrin James would make a heck of a 1-2 punch for the next year or two.

17. Minnesota Vikings -- DeSean Jackson*, WR/RS, California
Record: 8-8 | Needs: DE, WR, S, QB, TE
Previous mock selection: Derrick Harvey*, DE, Florida
Believe it or not, Minnesota still is in the market for help at wide receiver and defensive end, despite investing first- or second-round picks in the past four drafts on WRs Troy Williamson (2005) and Sidney Rice (2007), and DEs Kenechi Udeze (2004) and Erasmus James (2005). Jackson still has room to improve as a route runner, and he must get stronger in order to endure a grueling 16-game NFL schedule, but his home run ability after the catch, on vertical routes and on punt returns will be tempting for teams drafting in the top 20 overall.

18. Houston Texans -- Jonathan Stewart*, RB, Oregon
Record: 8-8 | Needs: CB, RB, WR, S, LOT, G
Previous mock selection: Kenny Phillips*, S, Miami
The Texans need a featured back to go along with QB Matt Schaub and WR Andre Johnson, and Stewart has the bulk, burst and versatility to quickly fill that role. He also could offer a boost in the kickoff return game.

19. Philadelphia Eagles -- Calais Campbell*, DE, Miami
Record: 8-8 | Needs: WR, TE, DE, OT/G, S, LB
Previous mock selection: Malcolm Kelly*, WR, Oklahoma
Philadelphia OTs Jon Runyan and William Thomas aren't getting any younger, so Pittsburgh OT Jeff Otah is a possibility here. The Eagles also are in search of a home run threat at wide receiver, so don't count out Michigan's Mario Manningham. However, there aren't that many 6-foot-8, 280-pound defensive ends with Campbell's athleticism coming out of the college ranks these days, so don't be surprised if the Eagles take a flyer on this unpolished but supremely talented end.

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers -- Mario Manningham*, WR, Michigan
Record: 9-7 | Needs: WR, OT, OLB, CB, QB
Previous mock selection: Sam Baker, OT, USC
Coach John Gruden will be pressing general manager Bruce Allen for a young playmaker at wide receiver, and Allen knows Manningham is capable of special things in the NFL. If Manningham gets with a coach like Gruden at the next level, he could emerge as the most productive wideout from a very talented 2008 class.

21. Washington Redskins -- Phillip Merling*, DE, Clemson
Record: 9-7 | Needs: WR, DE, S, OT, CB
Previous mock selection: Limas Sweed, WR, Texas
Sweed is a possibility here since wide receiver is on the short list of big needs for the Redskins, but Merling is a fast-rising junior prospect who is shooting up the draft boards of many NFL teams. The more we study film of him, the more we like his combination of size (6-4, 275), power and agility, and his ability to get into opposing backfields. Merling has the tools to become an impact starter in the next couple of seasons and would fill an area of need for Washington.

22. Dallas Cowboys (from 10-6 Cleveland) -- Sam Baker, OT, USC
Record: 13-3 | Needs: CB, WR, OT, RB, ILB
Previous mock selection: Mario Manningham*, WR, Michigan
Assuming owner Jerry Jones doesn't package picks to trade up, expect Dallas to use its two picks to address needs at corner, receiver, offensive tackle and possibly running back. Baker's stock is dropping after an injury-plagued senior season and a mediocre showing at the Senior Bowl, but he possesses the athleticism and technique to surprise a lot of people at the next level.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers -- Jeff Otah, OT, Pittsburgh
Record: 10-6 | Needs: OT, C, DE (3-4), G, RB
Previous mock selection: Same
The Steelers could use two of their first three picks on offensive linemen. They have bigger holes to fill inside, but Otah is far and away the best lineman available in this scenario. Interior help is available for a good value in later rounds (Oregon State G Roy Schuening, and centers Mike Pollak of Arizona State and John Sullivan of Notre Dame).

24. Tennessee Titans -- Limas Sweed, WR, Texas
Record: 10-6 | Needs: WR, CB, TE, WR, OL
Previous mock selection: Early Doucet, WR, LSU
The Titans need to draft a legitimate weapon for QB Vince Young to target in the passing attack, and who would be better than Young's former college teammate? Sweed could slip a bit due to a wrist injury that cut his senior season short and was re-aggravated at the Senior Bowl. However, when Sweed is healthy, he is arguably the most physically gifted receiver in this year's class. The 6-4, 217-pounder is worth the risk, in my opinion.

25. Seattle Seahawks -- Kentwan Balmer, DT, North Carolina
Record: 10-6 | Needs: ROT, DT, RB, TE, G
Previous mock selection: Rashard Mendenhall*, RB, Illinois
It is unlikely current Seattle starting RB Shaun Alexander will ever return to his 2005 MVP form, and backup Maurice Morris has proved to be at his best when limited to a complementary role. However, with McFadden, Stewart and Mendenhall all off the board, look for the Seahawks to go in a different direction here. Balmer is a fast-rising prospect with very good size, power and quickness. He would be a welcome addition to Seattle's thin interior defensive line.

26. Jacksonville Jaguars -- Early Doucet, WR, LSU
Record: 11-5 | Needs: WR, DE, SS, CB
Previous mock selection: Quentin Groves, DE, Auburn
The Jaguars should use this pick on the best available receiver or pass-rusher. Groves will be a possibility if he checks out physically at the combine. Doucet is another solid choice this late in the first round, however. While he is unlikely to emerge as anything more than a No. 2 receiver in the NFL, Doucet possesses the quickness and run-after-catch ability to complement Jacksonville's group of bigger receivers.

27. San Diego Chargers -- Gosder Cherilus, OT, Boston College
Record: 11-5 | Needs: RG/ROT, NT, FB, RB
Previous mock selection: Dan Connor, MLB, Penn State
The Chargers can select the best available athlete if they want, but the right side of their offensive line could use an upgrade, and Cherilus projects as a solid starting right tackle in the NFL. Cherilus' stock is on the rise following his impressive showing at the Senior Bowl.

28. Dallas Cowboys -- Felix Jones*, RB, Arkansas
Record: 13-3 | Needs: CB, WR, OT, ILB, RB
Previous mock selection: Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy
If owner Jerry Jones can't strike a deal for McFadden, he could settle for Arkansas' other first-round running back prospect. Felix Jones is a speedster who could complement current Dallas RB Marion Barber well and provide a home run threat in the return game.

29. S.F. 49ers (from 13-3 Indianapolis) -- James Hardy*, WR, Indiana
Record: 5-11 | Needs: WR, OT, OLB, DE, QB
Previous mock selection: Same
San Francisco needs a playmaker at wide receiver to take the attention away from TE Vernon Davis and pressure off QB Alex Smith. Hardy comes with some baggage and he needs some polishing, but no receiver in this class possesses a more imposing combination of size and natural athleticism.

30. Green Bay Packers -- Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Tenn. St.
Record: 13-3 | Needs: CB, OT, S, TE, PT
Previous mock selection: Fred Davis, TE, USC
Packers QB Brett Favre certainly would welcome the addition of a tight end like Davis, who can stretch the seam and generate yards after the catch. However, the team has a more pressing need in the defensive secondary, and Rodgers-Cromartie is one of the fastest-rising prospects in the 2008 class right now. The small-school product proved capable of playing with the big boys at the Senior Bowl, where he demonstrated outstanding versatility and athleticism playing both free safety and cornerback throughout the week.

31. N.E. Patriots -- Pick forfeited
Record: 16-0 | Needs: ILB, CB, OLB, OL depth
Previous mock selection: Same
The Patriots lost this pick as part of the penalty handed down for illegally taping Jets coaches from the sideline in Week 1.

32. New York Giants -- Keith Rivers, OLB, USC
Record: 10-6 | Needs: OLB, CB, S, OT, DT
Previous mock selection: Same
The Giants are in need of an immediate and legitimate upgrade at linebacker, and Rivers is instinctive and athletic enough to contribute immediately on the weak side. They also could use a quick, explosive back who would complement current Giants power back Brandon Jacobs, so keep an eye on this selection.

Mel Kiper Big Board

1. *Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas (6-foot-1, 208) | Previous: Same
The reasons for his dynamic performances throughout his career are excellent vision, very good balance, game-breaking speed and a passion for the game.

2. Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU (6-2, 292) | Previous: Same
Disruptive force along the interior. If there is one non-skill position player fans should watch, Dorsey is the one, because despite constant double-teams, he is always making plays or opening up space for his teammates.

3. Jake Long, OT, Michigan (6-6, 320) | Previous: Same
Top-drawer left or right tackle prospect.

4. Chris Long, DE, Virginia (6-4, 282) | Previous: Same
A 3-4 defensive end with great bloodlines who understands leverage and uses his hands as well as any D-lineman in the country.

5. Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC (6-1, 297) | Previous: Same
Tampa Bay Bucs-style DT with superior quickness and a nonstop motor.

6. Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College (6-4, 223) | Previous: Same
He has the size and arm to wow the NFL brass during testing.

7. *Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas (6-1, 193) | Previous: Same
A game-changing cover corner who had 11 interceptions the past two seasons. Talib has outstanding recovery speed and tremendous leaping ability. He also showed his versatility by catching eight passes (four for touchdowns) on offense.

8. *Vernon Gholston, DE, Ohio St. (6-3, 262) | Previous: Same
He took his play to a new level in 2007, showcasing the explosiveness to overpower offensive tackles at the point of attack. Gholston also has excellent closing speed, as evidenced by the 14 sacks he registered. He also has the versatility to play with his hand off the ground.

9. *Ryan Clady, OT, Boise State (6-5, 320) | Previous: Same
An excellent left tackle prospect with athletic ability and solid technique that will make him a great blindside protector in the NFL.

10. *Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon (5-10, 233) | Previous: Same
A strong and athletic, big running back who displays tremendous patience with the way he sets up his blocks.

11. *Phillip Merling, DE, Clemson (6-4½, 272) | Previous: Same
An underrated standout, Merling might not be as flashy as former teammate Gaines Adams (the fourth pick in last year's draft), but you can make the argument that Merling is a more complete player.

12. Kentwan Balmer, DT, North Carolina (6-4, 298) | Previous: 14
Unbelievably talented player who had a breakout season in 2007.

13. Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy (5-10½, 185) | Previous: Same
Not only a very good cover man with superior recovery ability (runs in the 4.38 range) and the aggressiveness to get the job done in run support, McKelvin has made a name for himself as the top return man in the entire nation. He's also stood out this season in games against the likes of Arkansas, Florida, Oklahoma State and Georgia. With his speed and versatility, McKelvin will bring a great deal of value to a football team.

14. Chris Williams, OT, Vanderbilt (6-5½, 318) | Previous: 12
Top-drawer talent, possessing superior athleticism and good feet to neutralize outside pass-rushers.

15. *Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas (5-11, 202) | Previous: Same
Tremendously explosive and versatile, Jones gained a whopping 8.7 yards per carry this season, while also excelling as a kickoff returner, gaining nearly 30 yards per return.

16. *Calais Campbell, DE, Miami (6-7, 280) | Previous: 17
Physically imposing with his height and wingspan, Campbell is able to beat offensive tackles with either speed or power. He does a good job of varying his pass rush moves, while also proving to be solid against the run.

17. Jeff Otah, OT, Pittsburgh (6-5, 339) | Previous: 18
Light on his feet for a huge bookend, Otah is still developing. He played only one year in high school and two at the junior college level. He also played basketball in junior college and is a tremendous athlete. His upside and potential are going to excite offensive line coaches in the NFL.

18. Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida (5-11½, 202) | Previous: 19
He has excellent recovery speed and the toughness you look for in a cornerback. His size allows him to match up with an opponent's No. 1 wide receiver.

19. *Chilo Rachal, OG, USC (6-6¼, 339) | Previous: 20
Tremendous size and plays with a defensive mentality you like to see. Rachal can match the speed and power of defensive ends he faces which is why he has so much upside at the next level.

20. *Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois (5-10, 224) | Previous: 21
Authoritative runner with a major league burst through the hole. Mendenhall's hard-charging style makes him difficult to get to the ground.

21. Fred Davis, USC (6-4, 253) | Previous: 22
Productive, consistent and multitalented. He's caught five or more passes in eight of 13 games while also doing a very capable job as an inline blocker. Davis stretches the deep middle of the field with big plays while bringing excellent physical and athletic skills to the tight end spot.

22. *Malcolm Kelly, WR, Oklahoma (6-3½, 219) | Previous: 23
He has the combination of size and speed that NFL teams covet, plus great hands and is a tremendous competitor.

23. Sam Baker, OT, USC (6-4½, 310) | Previous: 16
Exceptional pass-blocker with superb technique.

24. *DeSean Jackson, WR, California (5-11, 168) | Previous: Same
Exciting wideout and returner with very good natural pass receiving skills. Jackson has excellent speed and is a terrific open-field runner.

25. *Kenny Phillips, S, Miami (6-1½, 200) | Previous: Same
While he had a decent but not great season, Phillips has the skill level necessary to reach high honors in the NFL. He has excellent range and good ball skills, and he is solid in run support. Also keep in mind that safeties are in high demand in the NFL these days, and Phillips is clearly the top safety in this year's draft.

Is Pettitte Retarded?

2008-02-18T20:42:00.003-05:00

I don't know if this guy was being ironic or if this is some kind of inside joke but this picture is about as intelligent as Andy Pettitte's reasoning.
This won't take long, Andy Pettitte doesn't get it. Here's what he said today in a news conference that I laud him for taking part in:

"I didn't do it to try and get ahead of anyone," he said. "I didn't do it to try and get stronger or faster or throw harder. I did it because I was told it might be able to help me [return from elbow injuries]."

"I did this to try to get off the (disabled list) and do my job."

Allow me to explain it to Andy: THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE GUY WHO TAKES ILLEGAL DRUGS TO GET BIGGER AND THE GUY WHO TAKES THEM TO GET HEALTHY. NO FUCKING DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD! Now you may be able to come to a moral distinction in your own simple little mind and that may allow you to sleep at night, but you're no better than any person who shoved a needle up his ass to hit the ball farther. Just because you've convinced yourself that you did it to help the team doesn't give you some moral superiority over someone who is seemingly more selfish. All you were was an old injured pitcher who was becoming tattered in the same way all old pitchers do. Using HGH allowed you an illegal competitive advantage over ever other player not taking drugs. You think Mark Pryor or Kerry Wood didn't want to get healthy faster? But instead of taking any illegal drug use to get healthy faster, they took the legal route. Are they bad teammates because they didn't resort to illegal drug use (obviously, I have no idea if drug use could've helped those particular guys, but the greater point is, well, the greater point. If you can't figure it out you are as stupid as the person who marked up Andy's picture)? Nope. And you're no hero for taking drugs, no matter how well you've convinced yourself.

All That Being Said Below, Belichick And Pioli Were Clearly Covering Their Collective Ass Today

2008-02-18T20:14:00.004-05:00

Rather than using a hat to cover their asses, Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli used their words.
It's probably worth noting that I began writing the below piece awhile ago and decided not to post. That went out the window when Belichick came out and "denied knowledge" of any walkthrough taping, bringing the entire tape fiasco back into the conversation. So I figured since I was going to respond to Belichick's statements, I'd post my larger discussion as well (it was not my best effort, by a lot). Anyhoo, so now I have posts instead of one.

I don't have a ton to say about the comments from Pioli and Belichick other than to say that they were VERY calculated. And while I believe Belichick and Pioli over Matt Walsh, the comments made about the situation left open the possibility the Matt Walsh has some sort of "goods" on the Pats. Here's what Belichick said:

"In my entire coaching career, I've never seen another team's practice film prior to playing that team," he said. "I have never authorized, or heard of, or even seen in any way, shape, or form any other team's walkthrough. We don't even film our own. We don't even want to see ourselves do anything, that's the pace that it's at. Regardless, I've never been a part of that."

You see, Belichick isn't denying a tape was made, he's just denying that he knew about it. Clearly the argument the Pats are preparing to make is that if a tape exists, this rogue employee did it on his own and the Pats never knew of it. Pioli went on to cement this stance:

(Pioli on Walsh) "The job he was doing, there were two other guys doing it, so essentially the work he was doing wasn't up to the same level as the other people, in my opinion. However, I found out he was secretly tape recording our conversations and he was fired..."

So they never "authorized" any taping and the guy who allegedly secretly taped teams while employed for the Pats has also secretly taped conversations of employees? What they didn't say was that no tapes exist. I guess it makes sense because they have no idea what the kid has on them, but at the same time it seems a little shady that these two smart guys would make such blatantly calculated comments about the situation. It seems to suggest that they think the guy might have something. And if that's the case, no one's going to believe this little story they are hatching because there's not a chance in hell these two control freaks didn't know what was going on in there organization (think Colonel Jessup). I don't know, it just seems a little greasy for my tastes.

The Pats-Belichick Taping Thing Has Officially Turned Into A Clusterfuck Of Nonsense

2008-02-18T18:43:00.009-05:00

Come see non-existent videotapes, frivolous lawsuits, insane journalists and equally insane Congressman all at the House of Nonsense!
The part that I don't get about all of this Patriots videotaping scandal (again, I refuse to call it "Spygate" as I am repulsed out our society's lack of creativity in the arena of "scandal naming.") is why anyone really cares and what they want done? I mean, if you are really angry about the allegations against the Pats or the admitted taping of Jets (and likely other teams') hand signals--and I would be f'n pissed if the situation were reversed--what the fuck do you want the NFL to do? Do you want Belichick suspended or banned? Would that make you happy? Do you want the Pats' 3 Super Bowls stripped and all their wins taken away? Do you want their franchise taken away? I mean what would make you happy? You see, I get being pissed, but after that I don't know what the fuck you want done about it.

Let me start by saying that I don't in any way want to make it look as though I'm making excuses for the Pats. Far from it. I think that under the perfectly clear language of the rules, the Pats cheated; it probably occurred many more times than we know about; and despite what Belichick says, it was probably beneficial and in a close and evenly matched game it is certainly possible that sign stealing was the difference between a win or loss. I freely admit all of that. But the response to this is so out of whack that it tends to discredit those with serious concerns. I mean, Senator Spector sounds a barfly at Stan's after Mussina doesn't get the outside corner on 3 straight pitches and the attorneys for those idiots who filed that $100 million lawsuit should be sanctioned if not disbarred for filing a frivolous suit. I mean, gimme a fucking break, what utter frickin nonsense that is. When people overreact like Spector, Easterbrook and those lawsuit assholes, the public response is a collective eye roll. I'm saying it makes the Pats sympathetic (that would be impossible at this point) but it makes them more sympathetic.

One of the main reasons why I find this overreaction completely intolerable is because it is being compared to the Steroids (capital "s" at this point) situation. This couldn't be farther from the steroids situation (other than maybe that people are breaking rules to gain an advantage, but I don't see Congress convening about Shawn Merriman). Lest we forget (and I think constant reminder is necessary), the reason that there is such great concern over the strength of MLB's testing policy is because weak testing is seen as a tacit acknowledgment that PED's aren't a big deal. And that is a bad message for kids trying to get an edge. It's not so much an issue of cheating the fan, though we arguably have been cheated, but the reason Congress felt the need to get involved was because they didn't think baseball was doing enough. No one is worried that kids are going to secretly tape each other (unless we're going to argue that the Pats are responsible for the growing teenage webcamming. If I ever have a girl, she will not be allowed near a camera, video, internet or any combination thereof.). It's apples and oranges. The only greater concern here is that the Pats lied about cheating. And if the Pats did lie, more should be done and more penalties doled out. You don't lie to to the Commissioner (just ask PacMan). But it should be taken care of by the NFL. And if they told the truth but everyone is simply mad that the public hasn't heard the entire story because the Commissioner refuses to discuss it, then I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for anyone who continues to be angry.

Overall with this whole thing, I don't give a shit about it. The benefit the Pats got from the tapes were the same you'd get from having a guy watch the other team's calls from the sidelines (earlier I said it was "possible" that they got an edge that made a difference. I still believe that but I take the view that the possibility is awfully slim). I think the original penalty was too harsh and I think the only concern left is whether or not the Pats are telling the truth. I don't think the gov't needs to get involved to make the determination or has any horse in this race whatsoever. If Senator Specter can prove the Pats lied, then what? Does he imprison Belichick and put pressure on the NFL to fire Goodell? I just don't see the point. I guess I can just foresee this thing turning into a whole bunch of nothing. And I'd rather than have my gov't get involved with this nonsense that affects no one other than the league, I'd rather have them do what they do best: a whole lot of nothing.

What Did We Learn From The Clemens Hearings? Well Not Much Other Than The Fact That Clemens Is A Lying Sack Of Shit.

2008-02-13T22:31:00.005-05:00

Clemens won this contest in a landslide.
Remember when you were a kid and you did something wrong but thought you could get away with it, so you lied (or at least that’s what I did)? Even though you knew it really wasn’t the worst thing you've ever done and it was very likely your parents weren’t going to be that mad about it anyway, you lied. And maybe you got away with it but in support of that lie you had to create all of these secondary lies a long convoluted twisted tales (Dane Cook actually does a rare funny bit about this type of thing in his "Vicious Circle" special). And these secondary lies never really made a whole lot of sense but in order to bolster your original lie, you had to stick by them. You know, the real lie was that you weren’t hanging out at the bad kid’s house but in support of that lie you create an alibi and a timeline and you get real defiant about it: "Mom, I couldn’t have been over at Dirty McChainsmoker’s house because me and Carl were riding our bikes over by the sand banks and then we went for a swim and stopped by Rite-Aid to pick up some gum and then played a best of 13 Sega ‘93 Hockey Series but neither of us were allowed to be the Blackhawks or Blues because Roenick is too good and Al MacInnis’ one-timer is too unstoppable and I won in 10 games because I picked the Edmonton Oilers and subbed in Petr Klima at center who was secretly the second best player in the game even though Carl picked the Canucks (the best overall team in Sega ‘93 because Kirk McLean was a friggin brick wall and the Bure-Linden combo was borderline unstoppable). After that we went to Jreck’s and got a Meatball sub and then a sundae from Morgan’s before we took our clubs over to the 15th hole over at SLU to play the 4 hole post-dawn-sneak-on (15, 16, 14, 15) where I flew the ditch on 16 from the tips (260 carry) and then sculled my second onto the 17th tee. So you see, I never had time to stop at Dirty’s place. No siree." All you really needed to say was "No mom. I was riding bikes." Unfortunately you don’t take this route because you want to make it seem inconceivable that you could have been at the bad kid’s house. But mom’s no dummy. She may not have been willing to let it slide until you came up with this story. But this is your story and mom sees the holes in it.

Mom: "So you were playing Sega ‘93, eh?"
Me: "Yup. Great series. Klima dominated"
Mom: "But didn’t you say that neither of you could be St. Louis because MacInnis’ one-timer was too unstoppable?"
Me: (realizing I fucked up) "Ummm, yeah."
Mom: "But I thought Sega ‘93 was the year BEFORE they put in the one-timers?"
Me: "Well, I, we meant that maybe... I misspoke and, misremembered but, Petr Klima was the one..."
Mom: "You’re grounded."
Me: "Fuck"

You see it wasn’t the lie that got me, it was the lie in support of my lie. Clemens’ contention that he didn’t do steroids is only as credible as he comes off. And because of his secondary lies, he doesn’t come off as all that credible. He came off as a guy who if found with cookie crumbs and chocolate on his face wouldn't simply deny eating the cookies, but would deny eating the cookies, deny liking cookies, deny liking chocolate and deny liking food or ever haven eaten anything that someone would describe as sweet tasting.

Throughout the entire hearing, I couldn’t figure out (and still can't) why Clemens was so set on fostering these unnecessary secondary lies. My favorite one was when Clemens said that he’d never heard of HGH until this whole thing came about. Now this may be irresponsible of me but I call absolute bullshit on this claim. Clemens is CLEARLY lying about this fact. Never heard of it? Are you fucking kidding me? Even if we didn’t know that Clemens knew that his wife had been injected with HGH, there is no way that Clemens didn’t know about HGH or have conversations with people about it. Now I’d be more than willing to believe that he never had discussions about DOING HGH or asking people of the benefits of HGH (I don’t believe him, but I could see how that is more believable) but why is it necessary to go to the extra step of saying "I’ve never had a discussion about it ever." Never a casual conversation, Rog? You never talked to someone about the allegations regarding Bonds or Giambi a couple years back? What is the point of denying in totality knowledge of HGH the substance? My guess is that in Roger's world, he thinks that it if denying use is good, denying knowledge must be fucking super good. What he doesn't seem to factor into the equation is that it just seems so unreasonable to believe that an athlete in the 2000's had never even heard of HGH and it becomes such a stupid lie that it undermines EVERYTHING else you have to say. If we know you’re going to lie about something so stupid, why wouldn’t we then believe that you are willing to extend that lie to everything else? But Clemens wasn’t done there. He did the same thing when asked by rep Maloney (my representative!) about notice of the Mitchell inquiries.

Congresswoman Maloney asked Clemens why he changed his story about getting notice from George Mitchell that indicated Mitchell wanted to speak to him. Originally, in his 60 minutes version, Clemens stated that he knew about the letters from Mitchell but was told they wouldn’t tell him what the evidence actually was so he decided not to talk. Under oath, Clemens new tune was that he never knew Mitchell wanted to talk to him. When he fell back on his under oath remarks, Rep Maloney asked him if we are to believe that his agent never notified him of the letters from Mitchell, what the fuck is he doing by still employing such an irresponsible representative? He had no response because it’s simply not true. Do we honestly believe that the Hendricks brothers never mentioned to Clemens that Mitchell Report sent three letters to them asking their client to come in and talk? No fucking chance. Do you really expect us to believe that when their biggest client gets notice that there is evidence--evidence that will be made public in a couple months--that this client used steroids and HGH that they then wouldn’t pick up the phone and say, "Hey Rocket, what do you want us to do about this?" It’s not like the Mitchell Report was as secret and no one cared what it was going to say. OF COURSE Clemens’ agent told him about the fucking letters from the Mitchell Report. And OF COURSE Clemens said there was no chance he was going to meet with Mitchell because Clemens didn’t believe they actually had anything on him. And then when the report was released and we learned that they had a TON of shit on Clemens, he had to now explain why he never spoke with Mitchell after Mitchell's repeated requests. His only recourse at that point was to throw his agent under the bus. What are the Hendricks’ brothers going to do? If they were truly his lawyers at the time, the conversations would likely be privileged but even beyond that there is no way they’re going to disclose that conversation as it would be horrible for future business. But more importantly to the greater poitn, this lie was unnecessary. If he had simply said he got notice and decided that it would be improper to speak with the Mitchell Report unless they were willing to provide he and his lawyers with the evidence ahead of time, that wouldn’t be great but at least it makes sense. It’s a conservative legal decision based on sound judgment that is explainable. Instead we get, "Sorry ya’ll, my super agents never told me that I was going to go down in a heap of flames." That’s simply not true. And despite the fact that its overall relevance to the proceedings is minimal, it just speaks volumes as to how much of a freaking lying sack of shit this guy is turning out to be.

The final explanation I found really troubling was the convoluted story about Clemens and Pettitte’s relationship being such that Pettitte would have told Clemens about his HGH use. And because Pettitte never did talk about HGH with Clemens, this somehow means that Clemens never used it. Yes, I know this sounds like friggin loony tunes so let me get this right. I think it went something like this: Clemens and Pettitte were tight. The two were so tight in fact that they would approach eachother about anything. So if Pettitte knew that Clemens used HGH in the past and Pettitte was thinking about using it himself, Pettitte would have approached Clemens to ask him about it before he (Pettitte) used it. And since Pettitte never asked Clemens about it (which must be confirmed on the deposition in order for any of this to make sense), this somehow confirms that Pettitte never thought Clemens used HGH. Aside from being a horrendously weak argument, there are a couple of things that don’t make sense about this.

First, if Pettitte and Clemens were so tight, why didn’t Pettitte mention to Clemens that he was taking HGH? Pettitte admitted to taking HGH and Roger claims he never knew about it. Doesn’t this kinda throw cold water on the idea that Pettitte would have approached Clemens about using it in the first place if he could never muster the courage to tell him he was actually taking it? It would seem that that would be one of those things that buddies talk about. And yet, Clemens claims they never spoke about it. My guess is that Clemens’ answer in response to that would be that Pettitte wouldn’t have felt comfortable talking about cheating with Roger because he respected him so much (again, in Roger's head we're working under the assumption that he never did any drugs). Andy was embarrassed. I don’t fucking know. I don’t find it in any persuasive that because Pettitte didn’t ask Clemens about HGH (according to Clemens), that this means Clemens didn’t take HGH. Especially when held against the evidence that Pettitte AND HIS WIFE both confirmed that it was their understanding that Clemens took HGH. And when you throw in that Roger’s own wife took HGH (without Clemens’ knowledge, allegedly. Another point that is HORSEFUCKINGSHIT (tmesis)), the plot just got too damn thick. And all the defiance in the world doesn't make Roger look any less guilty.

With dust all settled, here’s where we are at: it has been confirmed that Brian McNamee injected Roger’s best friend, Roger’s wife and claims he injected Roger; and Roger’s best friend and his best friend’s wife back up McNamee’s claim. Given ALL OF THAT, we’re supposed to believe that because Pettitte didn’t ask Clemens about HGH, this means that Clemens couldn’t have done it. If that’s what you’re hanging your hat on Rog, you are fucking sunk.

Lastly, and this is completely subjective, doesn’t it just feel like Clemens is lying through his fucking teeth? Between his greasy lawyers and his feigned defiance and indignation, I just don’t believe him. I don’t think there is anything that can be done to change my mind about it. I’m sure all the evidence against him has affected my judgment but more than anything, I find him to be completely unbelievable. He just seems like a big fat liar. I suppose that’s not fair of me, but neither is shooting up drugs and striking out Mark Bellhorn during a roid rage. You see Roger didn’t worry about fairness during his career, so why should I give a shit about being fair when opining about that same career?

Just Wow

2008-02-13T22:17:00.002-05:00

I don't even have to words to properly describe the absolute stupidity that is the above video and song. The only positive I can take away from the above video is the production meetings that must have gone on to get it to this point:

Editor: "Anything else guys..."
Dbag: "Well, I've been kinda working on some lyrics for a song about the Patriots for a little while and think I've stumbled upon something pretty solid."
Editor: "Well, let's hear it."
Dbag: "You remember the song 'Beat It' by Michael Jackson?"
Editor: "Sure. That song was all kinds of popular 25 years ago."
Dbag: "Well, keep that beat in mind as I sing this song... (falsetto) 'You sent a cameraman to shoot other teams!"
Editor: "Sweet Jesus Man! That's genius! I want a video for the website by 6pm!"
Dbag: "Um sir, it's noon. What do you want me to do?"
Editor: "We've got a Sony handycam in the back somewhere. Just take it and convince some assholes on the streets and bars to start singing. It'll be outstanding."

And so forth. I just... I'm done with this.

Hank Strikes Again

2008-02-13T21:02:00.003-05:00

Not many people would have the chutzpah to bring up the names Koufax and Drysale when speaking about a crew of untested rookie pitchers, but then again, Hank Stein is quickly separating himself from the distinction of "many people."
I know I tend to do this a lot ("this" meaning ripping people in sports who exaggerate when making comparisons), but it bother the shit out of me when people resort to unnecessary hyperbole in order to bolster a point or get people excited. The media, and people speaking to the media, seem conditioned to give us examples that we can easily digest. A defensive end who is quick off the ball is compared to LT (see Shawn Merriman) or a pitcher who can command his fastball is the "next Maddux." The problem is that the comparison comes after 15 games or 60 innings and is the player invariably will NEVER reach the level of the compared player. I understand the thought process behind the comparisons. Familiarity with the big name brings with it an easy frame of reference from which the reader can draw comparisons. The only problem with that is that rather than use the hyperbolic comparison as it was meant to be used, the idiot reader (the majority of readers) uses the information as gospel. It's exactly the problem I had with the Globe comparing Buchholz and Lester to Peavy and Pettitte a couple days ago. Reading those comparisons don't just get people excited, they actually think they've got a Peavy & Pettitte combo (people are stupid) and it creates a monster of unfair expecations. Well, after these upcoming statements, it seems Hank Steinbrenner loves feeding the monster.

In an article entitled "Decade of Dominance", Steinbrenner, amongst other lofty claims, seems to think that his young pitchers are as good as any other staff in the league. In fact, he is so confident in his kids that he sees fit to compare them to perhaps the greatest duo of pitchers of all-time:

Steinbrenner is expecting another playoff run at the least in the finale of Yankee Stadium. "They do need to make the playoffs or let's face it, I'm going to be ticked off," Steinbrenner said. "And then once we get in the playoffs we'd better do well, but the fact of the matter is, as far as the next 10 years we could be in dynamite shape. We could have the best pitching staff since the Dodgers in the '60s and obviously we'll have some good hitters, too."

Koufax and Drysdale, eh? I feel like Matt Foley staring across the table at David Spade and saying, "Hey, Dad, I can't see too good is that Bill Shakespeare over there?" (video footage found here) except we're inserting Koufax and Drysdale for Shakespeare and I'm looking at three pitchers under age of 25 who have less than 20 starts total under their collective belts. It's absolutely INSANE to invoke the 60's Dodgers teams when speaking about your young pitchers. I don't care how confident you are in your guys, when you set the bar that high the only place for your guys to go is down. They can't possibly reach those expectations, let alone exceed them. And though you may think that people wouldn't possibly take so literally a statement like Stein's, you don't know people.

For many, the Post and the quotes within it are their only frame of reference. They don't differentiate between fact and opinion. They interpret his quote not as the opinion of a narcissist, but that of a skilled assessor of talent (which Steinbrenner clearly is not). Same goes for the Globe and the lofty comparisons that Buchholz, Ellsbury and Lester draw. Sure it gets people excited (I guess it'd be less sexy to compare those guys to Brett Tomko, David DeJesus and Gustavo Chacin, though that may be much more fair) but it is just so inaccurate as to be distracting from the real story that both teams or doing something that historically doesn't work out. They are relying on young pitching to put them into playoff contention. And maybe that was his intention (distraction from reality). In doing so he created an unreachable level of achievement and an unfair atmosphere in which these young kids will be scrutinized. As if it wasn't going to be hard to enough....

So yeah, maybe I'm a little over critical of these types of comparisons given that they've become a matter of course. Just don't say I didn't tell you so when the next Don Drysdale turns out to be the next Edwin Jackson.

The F?

2008-02-11T18:25:00.002-05:00

I hear ya kid. The below headline had me wondering what the fuck was going on too.
Bored to tears for a period of time today and unable to blog because I work for communists, I found myself perusing the regular news rolls. In passing through Yahoo, I found the following headline:

"Scientists invent submersible glider that runs on sea's heat"

If you're like me, this raised some eyebrows. For one, I didn't know the sea produced the type of heat that could be utilized to power anything let alone an underwater vehicle. And if that's the case, what the fuck have we been doing by not using it for so long? There is a lot of sea out there.

The other thing that made me do a doubletake was the idea of a "submersible glider." Now after reading the article I realized I was thinking of something completely different. But without that knowledge my imagination took me to a pretty crazy place. I mean, submersible glider? What the F? So, in an effort to properly square away my thoughts, I drew a picture of what I thought a submersible glider to be. Below is the result (mind you, I am a HORRIBLE artist):

"Submersible Glider" by A. Alan Smith

Not bad eh? It's a guy on a glider submersing himself. I couldn't really draw the heat propelling him through the water but I thought it properly depicted the idea of a "submersible glider." That poor fucker didn't know what the fuck was going on until he hit the water and then it was smooth sailing.

Now you may be wondering what this has to do with sports, but I think it summarizes exactly the problem with this period between the Super Bowl and Spring Training. This is what happens when searching through things to watch tonight I honestly considered the Quinnipiac v. Wagner game.

Hurry up Spring Training. I'm starting to lose my shit.

The Sox Aren't Worried About Schilling. Hell, They've Got A Young Pettitte And Peavy In Their Rotation

2008-02-10T21:14:00.000-05:00

Hey, I'm as psyched as anyone to see what Lester and Buchholz can do for the Sox this season. Unfortunately, the expectations may be a little on the high side.
With the Pats turning a fantastic season into a giant dump (no pun intended), pitchers and catchers can't start practicing fast enough for the mourning New England faithful. Fortunately for us all, because the Sox start their season early in Japan this year, Spring Training comes early and the Sox officially open facilities for their title defense in 3 days. And everything was going so sweet until Schilling's old ass up and busted up his shoulder. But even that really wasn't that bad because the Sox had 6 starters ready to go anyway (7 if you include Masterson). Because of this depth, Schilling's injury didn't really have the panic that it normally might. But I think because of the depression associated with the Pats failure and the history of overreaction and panic of Sox fans, the Sox media went a little overboard in an effort to calm the everyone's nerves.

Instead of merely heralding the young Sox pitchers as viable starting staff with great experience and potential, the Boston media compared the young pitchers on the staff to a couple of major league players. And not just any two guys:

The Red Sox, like the Yankees, are transitioning to a younger pitching staff, building around a core of veterans in Josh Beckett (27) and Daisuke Matsuzaka (27), and they hope lefthander Jon Lester (24) becomes their Andy Pettitte and Buchholz emerges as their Jake Peavy.

Pettitte and Peavy? Whoa. I hope that's true because the Sox will have the greatest rotation of all-time but come the fuck on. Peavy won the Cy Young last year and Pettitte is a borderline Hall of Famer (and drug abuser). It seems odd to make such lofty comparisons for two guys who are fairly untested when neither of them need to fill a No. 1 or 2 roll in the rotation. I'd be happy if Lester becomes a latter day Bruce Hurst and ecstatic if Buchholz turned into a steady Derek Lowe or David Cone.

Of course in my heart of hearts I want every young Sox pitcher to turn into Brandon Webb and Jake Peavy, but that's just not going to happen. It's much more likely that Buchholz or Lester flame out and never pitch another game than it is that either of them becomes a 20 game winner. That's just the way these things go. But I guess what frustrates me most about situations like these is that these guys are trying to make the rotation of the defending World Champs and the pressure is high enough. To start throwing around comparisons to Pettitte and Peavy is both unfair and unnecessary. We're f'n psyched about these two guys. Let's just leave it at that until the season starts.

The ManRam Is Ready To Roll In 2008 With The Help Of Uncle Rico

2008-02-08T21:53:00.001-05:00

Look out for the ManRam this year. Apparently he actually gives a shit about baseball.
So there are rumors abound that the ManRam is taking baseball seriously this year for the first time in his life. He apparently hasn't lifted a bat, but he's been working out like a fiend at API (with the likes of Youkilis and Pedroia) and is apparently in top notch shape. And he's doing it in his typically ManRam sort of way:

It's 8 a.m., and Red Sox left fielder Manny Ramírez is already sweaty. He looks ripped and ready to defend the world championship.

He shouts "Ohio Gozaimasu" - Japanese for "good morning" - above the rock music blaring in the Athletes' Performance weight room. He runs sprints and agility drills on the Arizona State football field and signals touchdowns. He fetches bottles of water for his workout mates, Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis and Minnesota Twins third baseman Nick Punto. He then does a lefty weight resistance exercise and announces he's going to bat lefthanded this year. He's only kidding.

When Youkilis is temporarily challenged by a 100-pound dumbbell, Ramírez stands over him and starts a "Youk" chant that would make a Fenway bleacherite proud. The football players training for the upcoming NFL Combine think he's crazy.

"Manny being Manny, I know what that means now," says Punto. "He's an intense workout partner. I think people perceive him the wrong way sometimes because this guy really loves the game. He loves everything that goes along with it. He's working out hard and he's going to be ready to play this season, for sure."

Things are good in Manny World. Since declaring himself a "bad man" at the World Series, Ramírez, 34, has announced his plans to report to spring training on time and to play for several more years. Ramírez allowed the Globe to follow his 2-hour-15-minute workout routine but politely declined to be interviewed.

"Take care of yourself," is his advice.

That's right ManRam. Take care of yourself or else you'll end up like Uncle Rico.

This is the honest to goodness caption under this photo in the Herald: "Red Sox left fielder Manny Ramirez puts in an offseason workout yesterday with the help of his Uncle Rico at Athletes’ Performance in Tempe, Ariz."

No no, not like this, like the real Uncle Rico:

Just Because You Don't Like The Result Doesn't Mean The Mitchell Report Wasn't Necessary

2008-02-08T19:46:00.000-05:00

The Mitchell Report's been out for about 2 months and NOW people are saying they don't know why the MLB had it done. Allow me to explain, idiots.
Nobody possibly could have imagined that the fallout from the Mitchell Report would look quite like this. I mean, taped phone calls, Congressional autograph hounds, soiled gauze pads, crushed Miller Lite cans and now allegations of a wife doing HGH in an effort to look good for her photoshoot. This is a lunacy too far out there for a even the most sordid Hollywood script. And it is because of this wackiness that some members of the media have taken to only now suggest that maybe this whole thing wasn't such a sweet idea. Because the Report has devolved into a "He said, She-male said" and because the most public result is the airing of the dirty laundry of perhaps the most successful pitcher of all-time, the pundits are convinced that we'd be better off never having looked under the lumpy rug. The only problem is that these same folks want the same result. They want better testing and harsher penalties for those who test positive. Well, I'm here to tell you that the achieved effect could not have been achieved without the recently condemned cause. Allow me to splain...

I'll start by explaining that the reason for this entire post stem from Peter Gammons on Mike & Mike this morning and a rant from Michael Kay this afternoon. Both gents suggest that baseball would have been better off without the Mitchell Report. That baseball was moving in the right direction and the only result of the report was to ruin the reputation of a small percentage of players while the majority of offenders arbitrarily get away scott free. While I agree that those singled out aren't the only ones who did something wrong and are only punished because their dealers got caught, this isn't a novel scenario in American jurisprudence. Do you think every tax cheat gets caught? Are random audits the best way to single out those offenders? I guarantee that you've been pulled over for speeding and could rightly argue that you were going 15mph slower than the lime green Civic that just flew by you 10 minutes ago. But that guy goes free while you get caught. What's fair about that? The stakes may be higher and the task given to Mitchell more broad than a State Trooper in a speed trap, but spare me the fairness bullshit.

But getting back on point, the reason the Mitchell Report was spawned was to quell pressure from Congress. Congress wanted more stringent testing and harsher penalties and prior to the Mitchell Report, baseball had the weakest PED policy in all of sports. Because the Players' Association had given in and put a weak testing policy into the most recent Collective Bargaining Agreement, the MLBPA had no reason to give in again and being one of the strongest unions in the U.S., there was little chance they would. One of their strongest arguments against more stringent testing was that there wasn't a huge problem. They had done there own testing and wouldn't release the data but were convinced that the results proved that further testing was unnecessary. Prior to the commission of the Report, there just wasn't enough evidence to prove that a stronger policy was necessary and Congress was breathing down Selig's neck. In order for the MLB to get a better testing policy and tougher penalties, they needed to prove there was a problem. So Selig commissioned the Mitchell Report. An independent commission to get to the bottom of the real steroid problem. That seems like a reasonable response.

So if we can accept that it was necessary to prove that there was a bigger steroid problem in order to get the MLBPA's head out of their collective ass and get a better testing program in the CBA, then you could make the leap that it may have been necessary to create some kind of independent review the situation to see if there was a problem. And if that is the case, it was probably necessary to find specific examples of past drug use in order to make the case. And this is where things get hairy. If Mitchell gets some guys to either admit to doing drugs or finds some prick who will turn on guys he has seen doing drugs, that's all the evidence they need in order to convince the MLBPA that they need better testing on their own or else Congress will force better testing upon them. So then the question becomes, why do they need to release the names? If all Selig needed was percentages or a number of players currently playing who at one time or another were doing PEDs, why the names? Here's why: What if he hadn't released the names?

Imagine The Mitchell Report comes out and it says "We have 80+ confirmed steroid abusers and 50+ of those are still playing." And then they used that information to get the MLBPA to bend over. Do you think there would not be a public outcry for those names? Wouldn't it look as though the MLB was covering something up? And can you even imagine what the outrage would look like if Clemens' name was leaked after the MLB refused to list the names in the report? That would make this current situation look like a frickin petting zoo (I have no idea why I chose that analogy). This was the only way this could have gone down. So to suggest that because we now have one PED freak with his panties in a bunch and because he has a top attorney for a mouthpiece that we should now second guess the reasoning behind the whole thing is ridiculous. In order to get the better policy and penalty, this needed to happen.

In conclusion, let's summarize:

Congress wanted a better testing policy.
MLBPA wouldn't budge without more evidence.
Selig wanted more evidence to get Congress off his back.
Independent report would be reliable evidence.
Independent report would obviously turn up players' names.
If those names remain silent, public freaks and calls cover up.
If those names are leaked, the cover up charges gain credence, especially if Clemens' name comes out.
In order for the integrity of the process to be upheld, the names had to be released.

But here's the kicker, in the end, the Mitchell Report worked. There's a better testing policy; Clemens' name made the situation hit home and the penalties have increased. Not to mention that the gravity of the HGH problem has been realized. A blood test is in the works and this never would have happened without the Report. So what the fuck are these assholes complaining about. Just because Chuck Knoblauch lost his innocence, I'm supposed to feel bad that Joey Meathead has to take a fucking hair sample every 3 months? The ends justify the means, I don't care how many wives of lying sacks of shit have to go down because of it.

I'm Not Bitter About The Giants Win As Much As The Praise Of Eli

2008-02-06T19:56:00.000-05:00

If Asante makes this play instead of exchanging his hands for buttcheeks, Eli is the goat and the Giants are selecting a QB in the first two rounds.
I need to start saying that I'm really not making excuses here for the Pats. Simmons really summed up well the feelings I have about the Pats in that they didn't really show that much excitement or grit and were overconfident coming into the game. I'm not sure how it translated onto TV, but it was clear that the Giants came out on every play like they were shot out of a cannon while the Pats looked like they were just biding their time (and it almost worked!). The Pats performance was so lackluster and unimaginative that I felt like we were watching the Kansas City Chiefs or Penn State Football. But that didn't lose them the game. The Pats lost because the Giants front four ATE THEM FOR F'N BREAKFAST! Strahan, Osi and Tuck DOMINATED that game and every facet of it. It was one of the most inspired defensive performances I've ever seen. And really that should have been the story. But nope, rather than focus on the real story, the pages of the Newspapers and the morning talk shows and the radio were all praising Eli Manning. He of the three dropped interceptions (the one interception Hobbs actually caught was not Eli's fault unless you fault him for throwing one of his signature horrible balls), 56% completion percentage and extremely shaky first 3 quarters (though he wasn't horrible on the first drive, he blew it in the red zone). And that's what bothers me. It's fucking disgraceful.

As I've made abundantly clear on several occasions, I do not think much of Eli Manning (least subtly, I wrote a piece entitled "Is Eli The Worst QB In The NFL? A good read if you've got a minute...). Because I live in New York and I have no DirecTv access, I am forced to watch his third rate Quarterbacking every fucking Sundee from August to December. The only game I've ever seen him play better than mediocre is the Pats regular season game. Every other time he's been horrible. I know that is not necessarily accurate, but I'm not even going to come close to suggesting that I'm not biased here. I REALLY hate the guy and view his performance through shit colored glasses. So please keep that in mind as I digress here (and it WILL be a digression...).

My main premise here is that credit should be given where credit is due. Does Eli deserve some credit for the win? Of course he does. Tyree's catch never would have happened without his remarkable escape. He drove down the entire field in the final two minutes needing a touchdown and he got it... IN THE F'N SUPER BOWL! That's impressive. It's just not the story of why the Giants won the game. The story was the D-line. And they were even less talked about in the newspapers and radio shows than Belichick's walk off the field (the unwarranted outrage over that move deserves an entire separate post). The Giants sacked Brady 5 times and hit him 23 times! He had only been sacked 21 times all season! The Giants' D held the Pats to fewer points than they score in most quarters! Oh but no. We need to stroke Eli Manning for Rodney Harrison missing a tackle on Boss, David Tyree being a freak and Ellis Hobbs blowing out his groin and leaving Plax all by his lonesome. Instead we hear about how amazing Eli is and are forced to listen to people compare him to Joe Montana (if you type in "Eli Manning" and "Joe Montana" into Google News, there are 415 articles. I know there aren't that many final drives in NFL history so you can't compare it to much and some of those stories in this search are angry folks like myself calling bullshit on the NY media's overhyping, but come the fuck on.... Eli is as close to Joe Montana as Joran Van der Sloot is to Mother Teresa. I don't care how amazing you thought that drive was.). I can't fucking take it.

I know I'm probably doing a horrible job of being objective and my arguments (if you can even call them that) are not all that strong, but I think I can best bring this home by putting it this way: Eli had that game lost a second before Tyree gave them another shot. Asante Samuel makes that play ALL THE FUCKING TIME... and Eli threw it right to him! It was a horrendous play and was the biggest play of the game. And if Asante makes that play, Eli is the goat of all goats. The Giants' defense would be praised to the high hills for controlling the game and Eli could never show his face in this town again. They may have to trade him. And what makes me so mad about that is not that it cost the Pats the game (even though it did) but that with the game on the line and his team having given him a shot by playing so well for 58 minutes, Eli blew the game and the Giants' season. No one gave them a shot to be in this position and his teammates willed them to this spot with one of the greatest defensive performances in Super Bowl history. And how did Eli respond? He threw the ball directly to a Pro Bowl Cornerback on the other team. And by pure luck, he got another chance and his team made the most out of it (or I should say Eli threw up an answered prayer and then lobbed a pass to a 6'5" receiver after his defender injured himself). Yet for some reason, Eli is being handed ALL the credit for this game (with some going to Tyree, deservedly so). It doesn't make sense to me.

Look, I recognize QBs get more credit than most players no matter what happens and Eli did make the pass to Tyree and the pass to a wide open Plax, but he also blew the game. Meanwhile all the Giants' front four did was dominate the best offense in league history and make one of the best QBs in league history look more flustered than Mario Lopez getting denied access to the Stone Rose at the Maxim party (I'll get into that). Yeah, I'm biased, but even a more levelheaded observer would have to admit that in terms of achievement, the Giants' defense's effort was light years more impressive than Eli's. And if you can't see that, you're as stupid as Eli is bad at football.

Now I Understand Why People Hate Phil

2008-02-06T17:42:00.000-05:00

Being that I was away this weekend and not privy to much of the media conversation about much of anything (though I did hear that Arlen Specter's panties were bunched up for a couple of days), so I'm not sure if this story got much play but I thought it was pretty solid.

I'll break down my trip to Phoenix in more detail later this week but one of my stops on Saturday was at the FBR Open in Scottsdale. It was out of control. But the coolest part as a spectator was watching Phil move around the course. Unlike other events where he shares the stage with Tiger, at the FBR, he is the event. And they F'n LOVE him out there. There were 175,000 people at TPC at Scottsdale on Saturday and about 150,000 were on 16 when Phil came through and the hole is only like 160 yards. It was louder than the Super Bowl.... but I'll tell that story later.

Anyhoo, as I've mentioned before, I'm a Phil guy and love Mickelson. I've never understood why love Tiger no matter what he does but hate Phil. And unfortunately most of the press about Phil is so negative (not through his own doing) that I can't find stuff to back up my opinion. Which is why I was really pleased to read this story.

I guess prior to reaching the the 16th on Sunday, Phil ran into a kid wearing Calloway gear and the kid asked for Phil's autograph. Phil, being Phil, obliged and then went a little bit further:

It started early Sunday morning when Fockler (Drew) and his father, John, left early from Flagstaff and got to the practice green early to see if they could get Mickelson's autograph. They waited through several golfers before their favorite showed up, and they approached him near the putting green.

"He told us that he doesn't sign before his rounds and that he'd catch us afterwards," John said. "We figured we tried, and we'd watch him the rest of the way."

By the time they got to the third tee, they found a good spot up front, and Mickelson's caddie, Jim "Bones" MacKay, approached them and said he needed to talk to them after Mickelson's threesome teed off.

"I thought maybe I was going to get a signed ball or something," said Drew, who plays on the Desert Junior Golf Tour. "I couldn't believe it."

That's when MacKay asked him if he liked football as he unzipped one of the pockets on Mickelson's golf bag.

Before he knew it, Drew was handed a set of tickets in an envelope and was on his way to Glendale.

"I thought it would be fun to give it to a father-son (group)," said Mickelson, who added it didn't hurt that Drew was wearing a Callaway hat. "I cherish the time I have with each one of my kids, and I thought it would be a cool experience for them."

What a prick, eh? I'm sure there's some Phil hater out there who is convinced that Tiger would have flown the kid to the game on his private helicopter or some such shit or complain that Phil's seats were probably nosebleeds. Phil haters.... I just don't get it.

Ian, Don't Back Down. You Said Nothing Wrong

2008-01-31T18:45:00.001-05:00

Ian Poulter is brash enough to wear dick-in-the-ass pink pants, but didn't have the balls to stick to his original statement after the Tiger Gestapo took hold of the story and turned their claws on him.
You may remember a couple years ago when a Danish newspaper (not a newspaper made of dough and delicious filling but instead a newspaper published in Denmark) ran into a ton of shit when it posted a couple of cartoons that simply depicted the Prophet Muhammad. This depiction was considered blasphemous by many in the Muslim community (without getting into too much detail and because I don't really understand the entire story, apparently Muslims ain't cool with someone publishing their interpretation of what Muhammad looked like because it's disrespectful to Islam) and caused quite a stir amongst non-muslims who couldn't fathom getting upset about something so seemingly innocuous. The controversy led to death threats, worldwide protests and about 100 people being killed in the resulting chaos. Not that sweet. And all because people are offended that someone sketched a picture of an historical figure. It seems like a significant overreaction if you ask me, just don't tell anyone in Iran I said that. Anyhoo, after this week's "Poultergate" (trademark pending), I'm wondering if Tiger Woods has attained similar status with the American media in that if you say anything about him that even sniffs of a slight, you will be drawn and quartered and your family will have to enter witness protection.

This week England's Ian Poulter, a golfer much more well known for his fashion sense than his putting touch, touched off a frickin firestorm of media outrage after he did an interview with Golf World Magazin and said this:

"Don't get me wrong, I really respect every professional golfer, but I know I haven't played to my full potential and when that happens, it will be just me and Tiger."

"The trouble is I don't rate anyone else," the 32-year-old Briton was quoted as saying in the March issue of the United Kingdom version of Golf World magazine.

"Don't get me wrong, I really respect every professional golfer, but I know I haven't played to my full potential and when that happens, it will be just me and Tiger."

What exactly did he say here? To me, it seems he said that when he's on he can take on Tiger. And he hasn't been really "on" so far. I don't think that's completely unreasonable considering he's finished in the top 25 six times in the last 4 years and top 13 four times in the last 3 years. Hell, he even beat Tiger in the '06 US Open when Tiger missed the cut. He's presently the 22nd ranked player in the world. So it's not as though Poulter is some scrub. But from this seemingly benign statement, people who don't know shit about shit (see Stephen A. Smith and Tony Kornheiser) ripped the guy; all because he said he has a shot at winning a tournament and because he says at his best he is second best.

So then today, Poulter had to backtrack from all of his statements claiming he was "misquoted" and taken out of context. The only thing wrong with Poulter's statements is that the media interpreted them to mean he was ripping Tiger (or the rest of the Tour). But in reality he didn't say a damn thing. If he's guilty of anything it's being a pussy and backtracking. But the bigger story is that this was any story at all.

For some reason whenever you talk about Tiger you have to qualify every statement by citing his immortality and that no one will ever have a chance against him. Only after paying these respects may we opine on the magnificence that is Tiger. Don't get me wrong here, Tiger is perhaps the most dominant athlete in the history of sports. He's also one of the most likable athletes in sports today. I understand why people feel inclined to protect him and defend his honor in the face of anything that resembles disrespect, but he's not above criticism and he's not beyond competition. He can be beat despite his greatness and it's fucking disgusting how indignant the media gets every time some golfer claims he's got a shot. The funniest part about all of this is that the same guys who kill the guys who say they have a shot at Woods are the one ripping Woods competition on the tour. According to these hacks, you can't rip Woods because he's so great but Woods is only great because his competition sucks. It's a bit of a pickle. And nothing is added to the conversation by those fucktards who won't let someone suggest want to step up and give it a go.

I guess I don't understand what's so fucking wrong about thinking you can win? Since when is it bad to be confident in your ability? Did you enjoy watching the final round of the Bob Hope? Shouldn't we want a foil for Tiger? Or are we just so enthralled with the awe that Tiger inspires that we can't handle the idea of someone believing they can take him down? I'm ready for someone who thinks they can.

Apologies For My Recent Posting (Or Lack Thereof)

2008-01-29T23:42:00.000-05:00

Apologies for my erratic posting recently. I haven't settled into a routine quite yet and between not having access to my the site at work (fucking feds) and my school schedule driving me insane, I just haven't really figured out a consistent posting schedule. I'm working on it though. Hopefully I'll have a more consistent system up shortly.

Oh btw, The Smittblog's going to the Super Bowl. So that should provide some blog fodder....

Greggggg Easterbrook Needs To Be Put In A Padded Room

2008-01-29T22:15:00.000-05:00

We heard you the first time, Greggggggg.
Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If that is the standard, then Greggg Easterbrook is the posterboy for insanity.

A lot of things have transpired since the middle of September. (I’m not going to link to all of these stories because I’m lazy) The Mets blew an insurmountable NL East lead, the Sox won the World Series, A-Rod left and came back for the most money ever and then had the worst sports interview in television history on 60 Minutes, the Mitchell Report came out and made some news, the college football season got a little nutty and every favorite lost right when they could’ve won, Marion Jones had some trouble with lying, Mike Vick was sentenced, the Heisman sucked and went to the wrong guy, Brett Favre came back from the dead, Shaun Alexander killed my fantasy team and Tom Brady & Randy Moss had the greatest seasons at their respective positions ever. There are a ton of stories that I can’t even remember that have at one point or another grabbed the spotlight and made us forget about stories past. Hell, you probably completely forgot that Mike Vick was in prison presently until I reminded you and that was the biggest deal ever at the time. Well, there is one guy who has not let the hundreds of important sports stories between mid-September and today distract him from the story of utmost importance: that man is Greggggg Easterbrook; and his story is STILL THE FUCKING PATRIOTS AND VIDEOTAPING FIASCO!. Yes, for the 100th consecutive week, Gregggggg Easterbrook is ripping the Pats for videotaping the Jets and is still banging the drum of "asterisks" and taint and God knows what else. And yes, it's still falling on deaf ears.

When I first read this week's TMQ , I couldn’t believe it. I honestly thought I had clicked on a post from September or from when they played the Colts. But nope, it was written today and his arguments haven't changed one bit. The guy is certifiably obsessed with the Pats and this stupid story. I am in no way suggesting that this wasn’t a HUGE story when it came out. It dominated the sports landscape for about a full month. But what relevance does it have today? According Gregggggggg, all the relevance in the world:

No matter how well New England plays Sunday, every victory the team earned this season -- and perhaps victories in previous seasons, too -- is tainted until such time when we learn what was in the material the league destroyed. New England is aware that its season is an asterisk season; owner Robert Kraft has complained the Patriots are now viewed as "tainted," his word. For all we know, the Belichick Files vindicate the Patriots. But until such time when we learn what was in those files, even at 19-0, the New England Patriots should not be considered a great team because we cannot be sure whether these wins were earned or stolen. Nor can we be sure whether New England's three Super Bowl rings were earned or stolen.

......... I.... I.... I am honestly stunned. We don’t know if the Pats’ victories were stolen THIS YEAR? Why? Because they attempted to tape the first half of the first game of the season? After that incident it is likely that they were the most scrutinized team in the history of the sport. There were articles and Outside The Lines stories SOLELY on what the Pats were doing on the sidelines from that point forward. And the NFL hasn't suggested they did anything else wrong. If we worry that the Pats have "stolen" games this year even though nothing was reported after the Jets' games, why aren't we concerned about every other team. It's not as though this is the first time this has happened or the first time that a team was charged with doing something nefarious. His argument here just lacks a foundation of rational thought. It's pure lunacy and it distracts from his other statements, which are also founded in Gregggggg's f'd up homespun wisdom:

Most of the sports media have rolled over and played dead on the New England destroyed-tapes story; The NFL promised to get to the bottom of the Patriots' cheating and reveal the truth to the public; instead, the NFL destroyed the New England documents and refuses to say what they contained. If the documents vindicated New England or the NFL, it would have been strongly in the league's interest to say so. Instead, the NFL has stonewalled us, so what does that make you think? Until we know what was on the videotapes and in the documents the NFL destroyed, there will always be a cloud of suspicion over the Patriots. How much of an advantage did they gain by cheating? Did they really hand over everything to the league? Are they still cheating now? Most important by far, have they cheated in the Super Bowl?

You see, here I can kind of pick up what Gregggggg's puttin down. Now, I COULDN'T disagree more, but I think his skepticism as to the NFL's true motive in putting quickly to bed the Pats video story isn't completely unfounded. But where he loses me is when he starts asking about the advantage the Pats got or whether they are still cheating. If they are still cheating, it is very likely we would know about it. Mere rumor of impropriety would be front page news, so unless I'm missing something very striking here or no one has picked up on it, the Pats haven't done shit since the Jets game other than win every game. But in terms of the advantage to be gained from cheating, you could figure that out even without knowing exactly how they used the information they gathered. It's not that difficult. Use your imagination. But Easterbrook's final shot at the Pats was his finest and most indignant:

And all you sportscasters and sportswriters who will spend this week gushing over the Super Bowl, it would be nice if a few of you mentioned that, a mere four months ago, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell found the Patriots guilty of "a calculated and deliberate attempt to avoid long-standing rules designed to encourage fair play and promote honest competition." Two billion people will watch the Super Bowl; almost all of America's children and teens will watch the Super Bowl. If the bottom line of the event is "It's fine to cheat, you'll get away with it," what message does that send?

Yup Gregggg, the message from the Pats' season is cheaters always win. And the message from Greggggg Easterbrook's coverage of the Pats is that even an old crazy coot who can't let anything go can still make an honest wage in this country through public catharsis.

Hey Giants Fans, You Think That Line On the Super Bowl Is Good? Vegas Has A Bridge They'd Like To Sell You

2008-01-29T18:09:00.000-05:00

With all of your winnings from betting the Giants in the Super Bowl, you should easily be able to afford this nice, shiny new bridge!
I’m well aware that by heaping praise on Colin Cowherd I’m essentially committing blog suicide (if you weren’t aware, Cowherd has not exactly endeared himself to the blogosphere: see here, here and here), but via a conversation with the Las Vegas Consultants, Cowherd came up with a few VERY good reasons why the groundswell of betting support in favor of the Giants (3 to 1 that the Giants cover the spread) is so off-base and why the folks in Vegas are licking their collective chops.

The first thing he mentioned is that one of the easiest sucker bets is taking advantage of a bettor’s short-term memory (I’m paraphrasing a bit here). People are so swept up in the emotion of the Giants’ victories over Dallas and Green Bay as well as the “moral victory” over the Pats in Week 17 that they value those wins over the stuff they would normally use to evaluate a matchup. As Cowherd mentioned several times, the line on paper in Vegas for this game should be a COMFORTABLE 15 points. Today I’m seeing spreads as low as 11. People are putting too much emphasis on “momentum” and not enough evidence on raw fact. Yes the Giants are probably better than they were when they dropped their first 2 games of the season or when they played horrendously against the dregs of the NFC Central, but they aren’t as good as their two upsets either and certainly aren't as good as the one game they put it all together against the Pats (in the same way the Pats aren't as good as their 40+ win over the Skins). The objective evidence in favor of the Pats is overwhelming according to the Vegas folks. And if they were more wrong then right, you’d be building Casinos in deserts.

The second factor that came up is weather. The Pats are a fast track team. In games played in temperature above 50 degrees, the Pats average margin of victory is 847 million. When the Giants play in controlled climates, they are decidedly more average. But it’s not so much that the Giants are good “mudders” and a bad “good climate” team (they did beat the Cowboys in Big D in the playoffs) as much as it is that in good weather the Patriots did things to teams that have never been done before. Because the Pats haven’t blown a team out since Bills game (they did handle the Dolphins but that game was close for awhile, as was the Steelers first half), people think they are vulnerable. It’s only because they set the bar so high that an undefeated team that spent the last month of the season beating the NFC champs, the “team that no one wanted to play in the playoffs” (the Jags) and the undermanned Chargers could be considered vulnerable. The Patriots’ body of work speaks for itself and when you compare it to the Giants, it’s miles ahead (the Giants scraped past the Lions and then got KILLED by an Adrian Peterson-less Vikings team in back-to-back weeks).

The third factor is that these games are rarely close and the favorite usually wins. Only 11 times in history has the score in the Super Bowl been decided by 7 points or less. The favorites in the Super Bowl are 28-13. Favorites have covered the spread 24 of the 41 games. Favorites of 10 or more points are 9-4 overall and 7-5-1 against the spread. It’s not to say that it’s a foregone conclusion because the stats lean in the Pats favor (if anything, the statistics make clear that there have been several major upsets), but it is to say that in betting on the Giants +11 or whatever you are getting, history says your odds ain’t that sweet (please spare me the many statistical arguments otherwise including small sample size and whatever bullshit you want to throw at me). And I'm not even going to mention the oldest Vegas axiom of them all that "when everyone's betting one way, bet the other way" (not that that idea has any foundation in fact necessarily).

So essentially, these guys and Cowherd came to the conclusion that while the world and Giants fans (two separate entities) are throwing money at the Giants and the points, they’d be wise to take a step back and look at the facts without the glare of their 6 inch platinum Giants neck pendant obscuring their view. Because when you actually break it down (something I hope to do in the next day or two), you’ll see that betting the Giants in this game is a suckers bet, and come Sunday night Vegas is going to be rolling in the dough of some well-heeled suckers.

Hank Just Can't Help Himself

2008-01-27T11:42:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to take a bit of a shine to the Yanks' new egomaniacal media whore owner.
Bluster, bombast, bravado and bullshit have been a core tenet of the Yanks' ownership ever since George took over the team in 1973 (you could also probably throw in the word "winning," to that list but it doesn't start with a "b" so it just wouldn't work). And given what we've learned about "young" Hank Stein over the last couple of months, the transition from George to Hank is going to be a smooth one.

Aside from displaying a taste for nefarity (sic - nefariousness is proper but nefarity is such a better word...) very similar to that of his father's with his now weekly tiptoe across the tampering line (for a great recap of the dozens of statements from Hank that cross the tampering barrier, read these posts), Hank has developed a love for media attention that almost trumps his father's yet claims he's not fond of the attention :

"I don't particularly necessarily enjoy it. It was kind of thrust upon me. At some point, if you're going to be a leader, you've got to step up and you can't hide in the office," he said...

Yeah, if you're gonna be a leader, you've got to get your name in the paper and make sure the never quiet pot remains stirred. And while you're at it, no reason not to hang your GM out to dry:

"But as far as missing the playoffs - if we miss the playoffs by the end of this year, I don't know how patient I'll be. But it won't be against the players. It won't be a matter of that. It will be a matter of maybe certain people in the organization could have done something else."

That's gotta make Cashman feel good. In no uncertain terms: No playoffs, see you later. Not bad for a guy who had to be convinced not to give up the kitchen sink to pay Johan Santana $25 million / year after giving up the entire farm system. I think I'm gonna like the Hank Steinbrenner era.

Brett Favre Boogie > Super Bowl Shuffle

2008-01-14T21:51:00.000-05:00

Eddy J. Lemberger is absolutely insane. And if this isn't crazy enough, below is Eddy J's step-by-step run-through of the boogie. The scariest thing about this is this guy is dead f'n serious:

(even more insanity found here and here)

Eli Manning Is: Unstoppable

2008-01-14T21:36:00.000-05:00

To Catch A Roid Rager: Chris Hansen Interviews Roger Clemens

2008-01-14T20:36:00.000-05:00

George Mitchell can't get much on Roger and Brian McNamee seems like a bit of a fuck up, so we need someone with a little better track record. Chris Hansen has answered the bell.
After weeks of preparation and a couple of close calls, Hansen finally gained Clemens' trust and by pretending to be Andy Pettitte was able to convince Roger to come over to a "gym" to work out over an IM conversation. The following is a transcript of what transpired.

[Enter Clemens] Roger: Hello...? Andy? Where you at, bud?

[Voice of 25 year-old woman pretending to be a 15 year-old boy coming from another room] "Boy": Uh, come on in. My parents aren't here... I just want to put something more comfortable on...

Roger: What? Who the hell...? Andy! What's going on?

[Enter Chris Hansen]

Roger: What the.... Holy fuuuck... This isn't what it looks like. I'm not here for no teenage sex or nothin like that.

Hansen: I know. That's not what we're here for. Why don't you...

Roger (agitated): Then what the hell was the point of the kid being here? What did he have to do with anything?

Hansen: Why don't you sit down.

Roger: I'm not doing anything until someone tells me what's going on.

Hansen: Have a seat.

Roger: I'm outta here. This is... this is not right. Andy? Andy this better be some kinda joke!

Hansen: Andy's not here. It's just us. Why don't you sit down.

Roger: No... I'm...

Hansen: Take a seat, sir.

Roger: Ok, ok, ok... turn the cameras... TURN THE DAMN CAMERAS OFF!

Hansen: We're not going to do that. What are you doing here?

Roger (visibly shaken): I'm here to work out. I just... I just wanted to lift some weights and work out with Andy...

Hansen: That's all?

Roger: Well, yeah! What'd you think I was doing?

Hansen: Ok, well what's in your bag?

Roger: It's nothing... just work out stuff. I wasn't even gonna use it... I was just takin it home with me... after... we...

Hansen: Can I see what's in your bag?

Roger: Why? It's nothing...

Hansen: Let me see it.

[Roger puts his head down and kicks the bag over to Hansen]

[Hansen pulls out and puts on the table a dozen syringes, 3 vials of unmarked liquid, a 3 pack of novelty condoms and family pak of Big League Chew.]

Hansen: What is all this for?

Roger: I... (sigh) I don't know... it's nothing...

Hansen: What are you doing here, sir? What do you do for a living?

Roger: You know damn well what I do! I'm a major league pitcher! Or at least I was a...

Hansen: Well what, may I ask, is a "major league pitcher" doing in another man's house with syringes, novelty condoms and Big League Chew?

Roger: ....

Hansen: Care to answer that?

Roger (whispering): I... gollee.... I cannot believe this is happening... I need to go home... I need to get out of here...

Hansen: Well wait a minute, I just want to hear your answer. What are you doing here? We've got the instant message conversation, we've got the bag of syringes.... care to tell us what you planned on doing here?

Roger: I just... we were just gonna... work out. It's not what... I gotta leave. I'm leaving...

[Roger stands up and looks for the door]

Hansen: Why don't you sit down? Have a seat. Sit down. Why don't you have a seat?

[Roger gets up and tries to gather his stuff as the camera crew chases towards the door.]

Roger (walking and mumbling): This is not right... you had no right... I didn't do anything wrong.

Hansen: Sir, sir, sir... just come take a seat....

Chris Hansen, America is once again in your debt, good sir.

Alice Fraasa: AKA The Snorg Tees Girl

2008-01-14T20:04:00.001-05:00

This story appeared on Deadspin earlier so it's not exactly unique news, but I know some of the people that read this frequently will be interested in taking it all in. The Pensacola newspaper featured an article about the Snorg Tees girl and her growing popularity and since Snorg is in a way a "sponsor" of the site, I felt it my duty to give those folks some free pub. Another reason I wanted to post this article is because I think some of you reading this are mentioned (anonymously) in the article:

A few weirdos have tried to contact her, Fraasa said, but most of the experience has been good. She’s both floored and flattered by fan groups that have sprung up on the Internet.

Weirdos, eh? That sounds like an accurate description of some of my readers. You know how you are....

This Is Easy?

2008-01-14T19:41:00.000-05:00

This has nothing to do with anything but this recipe and accompanying picture was listed under the heading "Quick & Easy Dinner Recipe." The picture looked a little complex so I wanted to check out what was so "quick and easy" about the meal only to learn that the thing requires about a dozen ingredients, ownership of a casserole dish and a level of intimacy with southwest cuisine that would make a Mexican day worker in Santa Fe blush. In truth, it's not all that hard to make, I guess. But I do think that referring to it as "quick & easy" may be a bit of a stretch. Unless one of the steps includes a microwave or selecting an item off a takeout menu, it don't qualify as easy in my book.