Sunday, March 30, 2008

From The No F'n Shit Department

The above sign may be a little unnecessary, but ESPN's headline today was even more so.

If you've ever visited ESPN.com, you've probably seen the list of headlines about "news" in sports on the right-hand side of the page. Some of the stuff there barely qualifies as "news" but most of the time the headlines sum up the days events pretty well. Well there was one headline today that not only doesn't qualify as news but is about as unilluminating a bit of information as the world has ever been offered.

Mixed into the headlines about baseball, basketball and PacMan Jones was the following headline:

Thomas says Indiana hasn't contacted him about coaching job

Wait, what? You don't say! Indiana hasn't contacted the worst coach in the NBA about their vacant coaching position? The guy with a recent history filled with sexual harassment suits and a team full of players who hate him not to mention one of the worst records in the history of organized sports? Get out of here!

Now why in the hell is this newsworthy? This would be like CNN.com reporting "Anderson Cooper says woman hasn't shared his bed" or "BREAKING NEWS: The French are arrogant." But in order to see if this news was in response to a story or rumor or something, I did a little search on the interwebs to see if I had just missed the story linking him to the job and I couldn't find jack shit. The idea that Indiana University would contact Isiah Thomas to replace a coach who had to resign due to recruiting violations is one of the more insane ideas I have ever heard. The only person I can think of who is possibly a worse idea for that position is Jerry Tarkanian. Yet somehow ESPN decided it was news. I can't wait to check ESPN tomorrow to learn the color of the sky.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Matsui Marries Woman To Win $2000

Is it me or does this sketch look like every alien sketch ever made except this one has a wig on?

So what might you ask is the Yanks' Hideki Matsui doing holding a sketch of an Asian woman in front of reporters? Well, this sketch happens to be Matsui's artistic impression of his new bride. And while this picture alone would be worthy of a post because it is so ridiculous, we then learn that Matsui made a Seinfeldian wager with Jeter and Abreu over who would be the first to be married:
At the beginning of spring training, Matsui heard of Bobby Abreu and Jeter having a bet in which the first one to get married would owe money to the other. Since Abreu has a girlfriend, his time frame was six months. With no steady girl, Jeter was given a year.

Matsui asked into the action and was accepted into the Bachelor Derby by Abreu and Jeter. Now, according to Abreu, he and Jeter are out $1,000 by the shrewd Matsui.

"How do you say sneaky in Japanese?" said a stunned Jeter, who thought reporters were joking when they told him Matsui got married Wednesday. "If he wanted the money all he had to do was ask..."
To answer Jeter's first question (according to Babel Fish), I think it is pronounced "卑劣," idiot.

The wager itself was absurd. Abreu gave himself 6 months to get married? 6 months from the beginning of Spring Training is August, and between now and then there is baseball non-stop. Is he retarded? Not to mention how pysched the bride-to-be must be that they were making these wagers in the first place (not that any chick is going to get pissed at Derek Jeter for being the subject of a wedding wager). But lest you think these guys are throwing all the romance out the window here, you haven't heard the warm and thoughtful words Matsui mustered from the bottom of his heart to describe the love of his life:
"The bride is a 25-year-old civilian and had been formerly working in a reputable position at a highly respected company," Matsui said.
That is panty soaking material.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Hey Great! It's Opening.... ehh

Little Johnny doesn't need to fake an illness this year for Opening Day. He just needs a touch of insomnia.

Baseball Almanac describes Opening Day in the following way
"Regardless of the outcome, Opening Day still remains as the number one date in the hearts, minds (and on the calendars) of baseball fans everywhere. The official countdown begins after the last pitch of the World Series when we can't wait to hear those two magic words again, "Play Ball!"
And far be it from me to suggest that the expansion of the game into foreign markets isn't a good thing (it is, right?), but couldn't they wait for a midseason game between maybe the Mariners and Angels or something? What in the hell are the Red Sox doing in Japan in March and what in the hell is Japan doing hosting Opening Day?

Now I'm no Baseball traditionalist or some old balls who yearns for the days of higher mounds, no DH and Polo Grounds, but there are some things about Baseball that set it apart from the other sports. Opening Day is one of those things. Opening Day is Spring. It's really the only sport that corresponds directly with a season (sure they're called the "Boys of Summer" but Baseball signifies Spring and warmth while football is played in 6 weeks of veritable scorching heat). Opening Day is not just another day on the calendar or another Baseball game, it's a borderline national holiday. And while the real ESPN "Opening Day" is Sunday Night (according to the promo ads I've seen), the game Tuesday morning between the A's and Red Sox is billed as the MLB's "Opening Day" for all intents and purposes; and it's being held in another country (and that country is not even Canada!). It would be like holding the Iditarod in New Zealand (not really) or Pamplona moving the Running of The Bulls to Newark. It's one of the biggest events of the Baseball season and we've just handed it to another continent. It's a little anticlimactic for the sport if not borderline sacrilege. There's very little buzz for the start of the season outside of the Red Sox lunatic fringe (I'll be up at 6am) and that's not good for the game. I guess more than anything I just don't get the need for something like this. I'm all for giving other countries some of the games (you can give Europe ALL the Orioles - Royals games), but Opening Day? For me, some things are truly sacred. And if you think I'm being too sentimental, check out this Opening Day Song (created in 2005) and see if you don't get sentimental too:
"It never fails to amaze me
that cut grass can smell so good
I can't believe that someone pays me
for shagging flies and swinging wood
I close my eyes and smell the leather,
the Copenhagen and Ben Gay
I hear the rookies making chatter
God, I love those old cliches
On Opening Day

I nursed a hamstring down in cactus
I gained a pound and lost a step
But when I take my batting practice
The fans know the deal's kept
The guy in the chicken get-up
He's gonna be worn out by May
But today he doesn't let up
Like me he came to play
On Opening Day
It's Opening Day

The papers say that the odds are long
for us to be a first division team
The polls have us starting off strong
but running out of steam
We don't need no fortune tellers
and we don't need no crystal ball
We've got some big propellers
with arms taking us into Fall
And last season's dugout trances
are someone else's memory
Today's the day for second chances
There's no such thing as history
On Opening Day
It's Opening Day
On Opening Day
It's Opening Day"

The Refs Seem To Like This UCLA Team

A&M's Donald Sloan walked away with lacerated wrists, a bruised elbow and herpes. What he didn't get was two free shots.

Overlooked in a day filled with great games and big upsets was UCLA pulling out a weak win over Texas A&M in the final seconds and the suspect non-call shown above. That really couldn't be a more blatant missed call (but makes a little more sense when you realize that the crew was led by Big East veteran Tim Higgins) and it falls in line with the other gifts UCLA has been handed this year. And while the stakes were pretty high before, from here on out a non-call or bullshit foul (see Stanford game below) will not go unnoticed. If UCLA continues to receive this type of disparate treatment, someone's going to start putting the pieces together. I know UCLA has a big following and all, but this is starting to get ridiculous.



Saturday, March 22, 2008

Wanna Make Some Easy Dough? Here's A Hint: Bet The Habs Tonight

Get used to this sight. When the B's play the Habs, the end result is never in doubt.

I generally don't advocate betting on NHL for a couple reasons. One reason being that you can't find it on TV so you can't really watch as your money is on the line; and two being that the second half of the season is played with such a greater intensity than the first half that often times you can throw out the records when a team scratching to get into the playoffs is playing a team at the top of the division, especially if the scratching team has a hot goalie. But tonight, your money is safe. The Canadiens have topped the Bruins in all 7 meetings this year and won the last 11 overall. And it's not like the Canadiens are running away with the division and the B's are holding down the rear. The B's have won just 4 fewer games than the Habs and are presently a playoff team. The domination is unreal and at this point the advantage is purely psychological (stemming from several gut wrenching playoff defeats, including an 8 seed over the B's 1 seed). So while I'm not advocating gambling on hockey, I will say that if you've ever considered it, this would be a good entry point.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Why Isn't Donte' Greene A Marlyand Terrapin? Because Gary Williams Blew It

Don't get so down, Gar. It's not like your team needed a 6'11" three point shooting NBA Lottery pick anyway.

College basketball recruiting is a fickle business. Unlike college football where a recruit usually doesn't develop physically until about sophomore or junior year of high school, college basketball recruiting begins around 8th grade and gets progressively more aggressive as the player matures. These kids are pampered and told how great they are years before they are ready to accept the responsibility of leading a lucrative NCAA basketball program. And it's because of this immaturity and enhanced self-image that it has to be hard as hell to sell your program to 4-8 kids a year who all believe that they are the best player going without pissing one of them off. Gary Williams ran into this issue and unfortunately for him, 45 minutes was the difference between landing a top 5 recruit and watching him walk:
"Maryland recruited me when I was a sophomore, before anybody was recruiting me," Greene said. "I was waiting for them to call and they called. (Maryland assistant) Keith Booth came up to me and was talking to me and I was on my way to Maryland."

Greene took an unofficial visit to see the Maryland campus, but when he arrived in the basketball office, Maryland coach Gary Williams was with Julian Vaughn, a recruit from Vienna, Va., who is now at Florida State.

"Coach Williams had him in his office, talking for a while, for like 45 to an hour," Greene said. "Then he brought me in there and only said a couple words. I felt like I was disrespected and Gary Williams didn't really want to recruit me."

Greene said he told Booth he should stop recruiting him.

"It ended quick," Greene said. "But I would've definitely loved to go to Maryland."
It's amazing to me that the difference between landing and losing a future lottery pick and potential program changing player is an extra 45 minutes with a 15 year-old kid. Then again it's amazing that these coaches can even carry a conversation with these kids.

Sports Illustrated Cover Jnix

DaJuan Summers must be so proud to be on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and so annoyed that the idiots couldn't spell his name correctly.

The cover of this week's issue of Sports Illustrated features a fairly glaring typo (if you haven't figured it out yet, the error appears in DaJuan's first name. Larger image can be found here). It's not as though there are a ton of words on the cover that the editor had to review before the issue went out, yet here we are and this is what's on the stands this week. Now I do have to give the guy(s) whose fault this is a little bit of a break considering they routinely run into names like Dwyane and Cletidius, but a misspelling on the cover? That is really bad. What I really don't get is why they didn't just choose a player from Georgetown with a normal name. I mean, was Johnathan Wallace not available?*

*You see, that's funny because Wallace's real first name is spelled "Jonathan." Get it? Whatever. You try being f'n hysterical.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Update on Clay Buchholz: The Smittblog Was Way, WAY Off About Him

According to this young lady and Clay's dad, Buchholz ain't doin to bad for himself.

So 'member when I wrote that short ditty about how Clay Buchholz is weird looking and probably won't get any ass (the title of that post was actually "Clay Buchholz Ain't Gonna Be A Real Hit With The Ladies")? Well, it seems young Clay has proven me wrong. WAY wrong. It seems Clay has found himself a lady friend. A young woman entrepreneur named Erica Ellyson:
Buchholz's dad confirmed to WZLX yesterday that his boy has spent some quality time with the 23-year-old centerfold.

"I know he's met her, gone out with her, but I don't know if you consider that dating . . . but hey, a boy could do worse," Skip Buchholz told 'ZLX's Karlson & McKenzie yesterday.

Apparently Erica also spilled the beans - somewhat - to Howard Stern the other morning, telling the satellite shock jock that she was sleeping with someone on the Sox.

"It doesn't surprise me any," said Clay's dad. "Last year up in Boston he was dating a Victoria's Secret model, so he's moving up the ladder . . . . I mean, he's got pretty good taste."
As the gents from Baseball Musings point out, I don't know that I necessarily agree that taking on a Penthouse Pet over a Victoria's Secret Model is a step "up the ladder," unless that is the "odds of getting genital warts" ladder.

Regardless, kudos to Clay. I'm sure he's well aware that if he weren't a baseball player he'd be getting his STD's from the buttfugliest hog that Beaumont, Texas had to offer.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Matt Walsh Is A Sick Bastard

You know what would be hysterical? If you stuck this sharp metal object in someone's bed and hoped that they sat on it! Actually, that wouldn't be funny at all.

For better or worse, we're going to learn a lot about the Patriot's former video lacky Matt Walsh in the coming weeks and months. But if some of the stuff coming out about him now is any indication, he's welcome to crawl right back in that hole from whence he came.

This week the Boston Globe (a periodical which clearly is going full speed ahead with pro-Pats propaganda mode) came out with a feature about Walsh by one of its lead investigative reporters. Most of the stuff in the article referenced items that had been floating around the newswire over the last couple of weeks. Taped conversations, shady behavior and other incidents that don't portray Walsh in the most positive light. But there was once incident highlighted in the article that makes him sound like a pretty fucked up and sick kid:
"In developing a portrait of Walsh, a personable sports lover now working as an assistant golf pro in Hawaii, the Globe also learned that he has exaggerated or misrepresented elements of his online biography, and that he was dismissed from the Springfield College golf team in 1995 after he played a dangerous prank on a woman."

"According to the alleged victim, a woman who was dating Walsh's roommate, Walsh was so miffed that she and his roommate might spend time on his bed while he was away that he booby-trapped his sheets with a stainless steel, six-pronged blender blade.
The woman, whose account was corroborated by Walsh's former roommate, said she vividly recalls being startled and slightly injured when she sat on the knife-sharp object. She said the episode forever changed her view of Walsh, whom she had known since high school and Walsh's roommate had considered his best friend since childhood."
So fearing his best friend was going to make out on his bed, Walsh booby trapped it with a potentially lethal metal instrument? In what world does that qualify as a "prank"? That's not like Saran Wrap on the toilet seat or short sheeting the bed, that's fucking sadistic shit. Essentially what Walsh is saying with this prank is: "Dude, I'm serious this time. If you bang your girlfriend on my bed tonight you're gonna fuckin pay. I'm going to leave a sharp metal object in the bed that is capable of slicing your dick off." And that was just his revenge for lying in his bed! Imagine what type of shit he's capable of to get back at the dude who fired him for being a devious fuck?

Too Good To Pass Up


This has nothing to do with anything except that it is f'n hysterical. Fred & Sharon couldn't be more Canadian and they seriously want to help you videotape stuff. I could watch this video about 700 more times before it got old. It's like an SNL sketch except funny.

Girardi Says Play Hard Later. For Now, Play Like A Pussy

Shhh! Don't bother Mr. Matsui! It's only the preseason.

I don't want to spend too much time on this because I can't believe anyone in their right mind is on the same side as Joe Girardi on this issue but it's at least worth a mention.

So on Saturday, Yankees' rookie catcher Francisco Cervelli was trying to coral a throw home when DEVIL Ray 2nd baseman Elliott Johnson came home and just leveled him. Cervelli lost the ball, Johnson scored and Cervelli broke his wrist. Pretty intense for a pre-season game but shit happens and you have to expect aggressive hustle plays during Spring Training when players have to do whatever it takes to stand out. Sadly, that's not how Sour Joe Girardi.

When interviewed about the play after the game, Girardi was bullshit:
"I think it was uncalled for, it's spring training and you are going to get people hurt and we got Cervelli hurt," Girardi said of Johnson... "I am all for playing hard but I don't think it's the time to run over a catcher in spring training."
Not entirely finished, Girardi then blamed Rays Manager Joe Maddon for not having control of his guys
"I have always known you don't do it," Girardi said of instigating home plate collisions in games that don't count.

"I know kids are playing aggressive and playing hard and that's the way you want them to play. But if it happens too much maybe you should mention it.

"It's one thing to get hit by a pitch or twist an ankle running the bases. But to run over someone, I don't understand it.
Since the incident, I haven't heard one person come out in defense of Girardi's stance here (even Yankee homer Michael Kay called Girardi out on his radio show today). So I guess there's really no argument here that Girardi is in the right. I mean, what the F did you want Johnson to do? He's a kid dying to make a team on an organization FULL of young upstart players who are all likely more talented than he is. He has to do EVERYTHING better than the other guy to get noticed. If he's sprinting home and then pulls up at home plate so as not to injure the catcher, he loses all credibility and no matter how he explains it to the coaches, he's f'd. If he slides in feet first, he risks injuring himself. If he tries some weird acrobatic move, he looks like an asshole who doesn't know what he was doing. Taking out the catcher was the right move because it showed he instinctively knew what to do in that position and it showed just how bad he wants on that team. If anyone is to be blamed it's that idiot catcher who got himself hurt. Get in position and catch the fucking ball, pansy. And Joe knows that. He was a fucking catcher for Christ's sake.

I thought the flagship of Joe Girardi's makeover movement was to add a new sense of "toughness" to the Yanks. I guess that only means when he says so or when the lights are on or on national tv or maybe only in October. What we know now is that for about the next month, you can rest assured the Yanks won't give their best effort. They'll simply half ass it. I'm sure that won't roll over into the regular season.

I Hate IO Digital Cable


The person who made this horrible commercial should be drawn and quartered. It's on TV every 15 minutes and features one of the most annoyingly contagious repetitive hooks in the history of television. It's the equivalent of a jazzed up version of the Sleepy's jingle in terms of degree of unpleasantness. If you want to know what it's like to watch my cable programming package, leave this page open on your computer and every 10 minutes or so play the video. An hour or so into the madness you will develop a desire to kill someone, likely the gentleman singing the song in the video. You have my blessing to follow through on that desire. Please.

Welcome To Beijing! Please Keep Your Lungs Closed At All


Aside from the overcrowding, oppressive government social programs and suffocating pollution, Beijing doesn't seem half bad.

Other than those years when a political crisis forces some country to bag out of the Olympics in protest, the Olympics are supposed to feature the world's best athletes. Winning gold in an Olympic event usually means that you are the best in the world. But what if instead of the best athletes in the world showing up only those who don't care about doing irreversible damage to their lungs showed. Well, that's what's going on in Beijing right now.

Today, Haile Gebrselassie, the world record holder in the marathon announced that he will not compete in the marathon in the upcoming Summer Games because he is fearful that the poor air quality and because, well, he likes being alive. Organizers fear that this is just the tip of the iceberg and if the world record holder bows out it's only a matter of time before others follow suit in other marquee events. So instead of Mike Phelps and Asafa Powell, you get Cheech Marin and Joan Rivers. They are the only people who have consumed enough smoke in their lifetimes to withstand the shock to the the system that the Beijing air represents. While those events would be funny, if more world record holders pull out of this Olympics, this thing is going to turn into a joke. It'll be no more a spectacle of the World's Best Athletes than your local high school track meet. And all in the name of appeasing the New World Order. Makes sense, I mean it would have sucked to run in the clear air and crystal skies of Toronto or Paris anyway.

Clay Buchholz Ain't Gonna Be A Real Hit With The Ladies


Is it me or does Buchholz look like Doug Flutie (played by Rich Hall) in that SNL episode when Bishop Desmond Tutu busts the arm off Flutie's Heisman Trophy. Good gravy that is not a flattering photo.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

The Belgian Twaffle


Kristof Ongenaet's coast-to-coast 3 point play was a momentum changer and possibly season saver.

If you didn't watch the above play or haven't watched the Syracuse this year you can't possibly understand the utter absurdity that the above photographs represent. Hanging on that rim is Belgian native and JuCo transfer Kristof Ongenaet. He of the 5 second set shot, the floor presence of a Madame Tussaud exhibit and the incomporable EuroHawk hairdo he kicks (it's like a tapered mullet in the rear cut tight on the sides with a texture that seems to lack treatment of shower product). Prior to 3 weeks ago, Ongenaet, while not a liability, didn't exactly add much to the team on either end of the floor other than a warm body and 5 fouls to give on a team that desperately needed both. In that capacity, Ongenaet was a genius. He didn't turn the ball over and he was always good for a hard foul here and there. Lately something has different has been happening.

Ongenaet had a double-double at halftime of the Seton Hall game and has grabbed 8+ boards and played 30+ minutes in almost every game down the stretch. He also gets the 2-3 zone. He is, arguably, the most consistent defender on the wing of the zone only rarely getting out of position. He is versatile enough to scare the deep threat and strong enough to defend the post. On offense he never holds the ball for longer than 2 seconds and is neither a threat to drive or shoot but he is ALWAYS moving. He occupies a defender (or two) and is really the only player who understands the soft spots in zones. Plus he kills the offensive glass. He's either tapping the ball out (or in) or grabbing an extra board in a key spot. He easily leads the team in aggressive / hustle fouls. In terms of basketball smarts, Ongenaet is light years ahead of most of his inexperienced teammates. That's why it was so frustrating to watch him play. You put his brain (and guts) in Donte Greene's body and you have the best player in the game.

For all of these great qualities, Ongenaet doesn't have the confidence to do much with his unique skillset. He can pass and he can drive and he can shoot and he can dunk, he just doesn't. And really, he doesn't even try. In Ongenaet's defense, Syracuse has enough offensive bravado to spare. He's a grinder and in that role he has probably exceeded expectations. Ongenaet is neither asked to nor is he required to provide a spark. But holy shit did he provide a spark on Saturday.

With Marquette making a run early in the second half of Saturday afternoon's game, Ongenaet got loose for the business end of an alley-oop in the halfcourt set. A showing of athleticism so out of character that I literally fell out of my seat at the bar (I was a few deep). But what happened next was the play of the year for Syracuse basketball and perhaps the spark they need to get themselves into the tournament.

With the crowd still buzzing from The Twaffle's alley-oop throwdown, Marquette quickly moved up the floor to try and catch 'Cuse snoozing. As his nature, Ongenaet was already back on D having beaten just about everyone back into position. Marquette's Lazar Hayward was flying towards the hoop when Ongenaet wrenched the ball right from his hands and started up the floor the other way. He quickly crossed over at mid-court and now there was no one between he and the hoop. But Hayward was not going to let this fly. As Ongenaet approached the lane, Hayward was right on his hip pocket and in decent position to deny the shit out of the lanky Belgian as he try and meekly lay the ball on the glass. That's when the unthinkable happened. Ongenaet was flying at the rim with reckless abandon. He rose, and rose and with Marquette's Hayward sharing the same breath, he throws down a two-handed jam while getting violently hacked from behind. His fingers grasp the rim for as long as he can must but with the shared momentum of his acceleration and the added shove of Hayward are too much and he goes flying under the rim in an awkward tumble and smacks his nose on the floor, blood everywhere. The Dome erupts. The bar is in a frenzy. Most of the people in the bar aren't even really watching the game and certainly weren't 'Cuse fans (most were early arrivals for the Duke - N.C. game) but they are screaming at the top of their lungs as the replay rolls across the screen over and over again. It was outstanding.

After that play, Marquette didn't stand a chance. They never came closer than 8 the rest of the way. The team seemed to have a new swagger and the players seemed inspired by the guts of their Euro Grinder. Their reaction was the same as ours: Where did that come from? The kid has never shown that type of athleticism and maybe he doesn't really possess it but he did at that moment and it changed the game and perhaps the season. It's not too often you get to say that about a play or a player. But the Twaffle had that moment and given his drive and his rising confidence, here's hoping he's got more in him.