A couple weeks ago, I posted a little ditty about the Sports Guy's blog getting cut by a paragraph after he listed a link to high school pole vaulter Allison Stokke on his site (as well as a disclaimer telling people that they should not click on the link if they were above a certain age. He may as well have told people their lives depended on selecting the link.). It was the most viewed item I've ever posted, narrowly beating the Mel Kiper bit and All-Mediocre team. It wasn't necessarily a knock on Simmons or ESPN, but I did find it ironic that ESPN would kill this item while previously benefitting from pictures of 17 year-old Anna Kournikova in spandex on their site. I know there's a difference between Kournikova and Stokke in that when you are a professional athlete you are purposely putting yourself in the public sphere and as a public personality you lose some privacy rights as a matter of law, but I just found the decision to be a bit hypocritical and bizarre. I'll also concede that I felt a little funny writing about a high schooler in this space which is why I provided a link as opposed to posting the actual picture on my site (though the pic would have received far more hits). I'm not saying I'm holier than thou or anything, it just seemed sketchy enough that it was a line I didn't want to cross. So I guess I can empathize with ESPN.com's plight. Well, after this week's Washington Post article on Stokke-mania, maybe we were both right to err on the side of caution.
If you didn't read the article in the Post, it's worth a read. Basically, the article is an account of the meteoric rise to internet stardom of Allison Stokke and how she and her family are completely freaked out by it. In the article, With Leather's (a fantastic site that should be a part of everyone's rotation) creator Matt Ufford is interviewed and is given credit with "breaking the story" on Stokke. The article doesn't necessarily take Ufford to task for posting Stokke's pic, but given that the entire article is a sympathetic portrayal of an innocent high school senior who never asked for all of this attention, I'm pretty sure the inclusion of Ufford and his site wasn't for the purpose of creating a groundswell of support for his efforts. It's a tough situation because Ufford didn't do anything wrong by posting the pics but at the same time the Stokke family should rightly be a little freaked out that every track meet they go to from here on out will have a marked increase of overweight, sweaty 40 year-old dudes with telephoto lenses in the stands. I'm not sure anyone crossed the line with this and I guess I'm not really taking a stand on it, more than anything I can see now why ESPN chose to rip the paragraph out of the Sports Guy's blog. It's one thing for a site whose name is a reference to a Chris Berman pickup line to post a pic like that, it's a whole 'nother ballgame when Mickey Mouse is supporting salivating over high schooler.
I tried to Photoshop Krukker into HR's spot, but it didn't work out.
In Buster Olney's blog today, he provided the readers with a brief rundown of how last night's Baseball Tonight show got scrapped when the Mets - Giants game went into the twelfth and led almost perfectly into SportsCenter. It's a pretty mundane recap of the events but what struck me as interesting was the last line:
So the plan for "Baseball Tonight" on Tuesday was for the show to start at 10 p.m., or when the broadcast of the Mets' game ended, and it appeared for a time that we might be able to start at 9:30. Karl Ravech hurriedly switched his monitor from channel to channel. John Kruk spoke aloud about the Phillies' latest abomination. We were ready to go. Then the Giants tied the Mets, and the game went into the 10th inning. And the 11th. And the 12th. And we sat there in studio, waiting and waiting and waiting for a show that, in the end, never began. Six hours of show prep for … nada.
Six hours of prep? What does this "prep" consist of? Watching baseball on 12 TVs and wagering on how many pounds of food groups Krukker will kill before the cameras roll doesn't really soung like prep to me, but who am I to judge. And why does Buster prep for six hours when he's only going to say about 20 words the entire show anyway? But what I really want to know is when does Buster sleep? If he finishes BBTN at 11pm and IMMEDIATELY hops in his car to get home, there's no way he's home before midnight. He then usually gets his first blog entry out around 7am and that's after reading (or having an editor select for him) about 2-3 dozen articles across the nation. It probably takes him an hour or so to create that blog (though if it takes 6 hours to prepare BBTN, it may take him all night to prepare for his blog), so if my numbers are correct, Buster takes about a 3 hour nap from 1am to 4am and heads right back to Bristol to begin prepping for BBTN again. I hope they're paying you well Buster. That seems a little excessive.
I realize that unlike me, many of you are not able to listen to sports talk radio all day, but what is going on right now on Stephen A. Smith's ESPN radio show is pretty riveting stuff. Kobe Bryant is telling Stephen A. that he wants out of L.A.. He's not dancing around the subject and saying that he could come back if things changed, he definitively stated that there is nothing the organization can do to make his situation tenable again. He said he hopes the organization will do the right thing and get him out of there. With the draft coming up, this creates some absolutely unreal trade scenarios. Imagine if the Knicks still had their first round pick and some of the talent and expiring contracts they let go and didn't trade for Francis and didn't have bloated salaries across the board and didn't hire Isiah. Had that not all happened, they could have really made a run for this guy.
I am way late to the game on this, but with all the MMA talk and A-Rod philandering I've been a little distracted. Apparently Rams coach Scott Linehan is ready to give Rutgers hero (and Smittblog man-crush) Brian Leonard 15-20 touches a game. Aside from being the nightmare scenario for fantasy football owners, the move seems a bit curious considering Steven Jackson is an every down workhorse and was a Pro Bowler last year. What makes the move even MORE unsettling to me is that if Brian Leonard is a guy who can take 15-20 touches out of the hands of a Pro Bowl running back on a very good offense, WHY THE F WAS HE DRAFTED IN THE LATE SECOND ROUND? How can a player that talented fall to the 52nd pick while a backup QB like Kevin F'n Kolb gets picked with the 36th pick! It just doesn't make any sense. If a team that doesn't need another running back like the Rams can find a way to get Leonard involved, why can't a team with limited RB depth (Philly) or actual RB problems (Tennessee, Jets or even Chicago) find a way to use him? I hate the NFL scouting process.
On a lighter note, the article linked to above did have a bizarre little anecdote meant to underscore just how well Leonard has picked up on things since he's moved to the greater St. Louis area:
Brian Leonard is proving to be a quick study. Less than two weeks after being drafted in the second round by the Rams, Leonard showed up Friday for rookie minicamp wearing a bright red Cardinals baseball cap. Welcome to St. Louis.
"I'll probably end up turning into a Cardinal fan," Leonard said. "I grew up in New York, so obviously I was a Yankees fan."
So who's his favorite Cardinal?
There was a long pause, and what seemed like a bit of panic. "Hmmm," Leonard said. "I could mention Yankees."
Then, finally, a name came to him. "Pujols," Leonard said.
Nice recovery.
Coach Scott Linehan hopes Leonard is similarly adept at picking up the Rams' offense.
Ummm, yeah. The ability to think on his feet and come up with the name "Pujols" when asked about the Cardinals really has to warm the heart of Linehan. Leonard's a regular Howie Schwab. Good thing he didn't get picked by the Chiefs.
And things were going so well for the Yanks and A-Rod before this...
I don't really have a whole lot to add to this, but if you haven't read the Post article about A-Rod's late night tryst with the bleach blonde Canadian the other night, you really should. It's got all the elements of a great scandal: Strip club, blondes, two random dudes, the Four Seasons and a late night elevator door closing with A-Rod and the Blonde heading upstairs. This is WAY too good to be true.
Captain Clutch has been Captain Limpwrist in the late innings of close games this year.
After watching a bunch of Yankees games this year (I do revel in their misery), I couldn't help but notice that Derek Jeter has come up at or near the end of games and not done anything. After watching him fly out against the Angels on Sunday down one with two outs and runners on 2nd and third it really got me thinking: When's the last time Jeter did anything clutch? I mean, the guy is Captain Clutch, right? Well, you'd be surprised. Allow me to rewind for a bit....
You know you've reached certain level of respect when the fellas at the Red Sox Megablog SOSH create a nickname in your honor. For Jeter, it's "CI" (Captain Intangibles). This is in reference to the frustrating argument that Jeter is great beyond the numbers and there is no statistical category that is able to capture his true value. Yanks fans for years have argued that Jeter is "clutch" and makes "big plays" and so on and so forth. You'll get no argument from me that Jeter is a great player and is a surefire hall of famer, but the maddening part of the argument is that there really is no way to determine his value (and don't give me VORP. That is a BS stat that I will get to some time later this summer). Well, the statmeisters came up with a stat called "close and late" that is meant to capture the batting splits of those players that step up in big moments. It is defined as follows:
Close And Late - results in the 7th inning or later with the batting team either ahead by one run, tied or with the potential tying run at least on deck.
Surely Jeter would excel in this category. Jeter should dominate this stat with his intangible clutchness (though the stat itself was likely created in the wake of the evaluation of David Ortiz's MVP value). Well, not really. Over the last three years, Jeter's overall average is .315 while his average in close and late situations is .291. Still respectable but it doesn't really bespeak of "clutch" in the sense that if Jeter's "clutchness" was what set him apart from other players, he should improve when the going gets tough. Well in fact, in the last 6 seasons (including the current season), Jeter has never had a close and late average higher than his batting average and his K percentage goes up about 10% in close and late situations. It should also be noted that in that same time period he has been voted in the top 25 of the MVP voting four of those years (and likely will again this year). Close and late doesn't really cover the exact gamut of the type of clutchness I'm looking for, so I did some digging of my own to figure out what's been going on with him this year. Well, take a look see:
In 2007, I found that Derek Jeter has come up in the 8th inning or later while representing the tying (or winning) run 19 times. In those 19 at bats, he has 3 hits and 1 RBI. With the three walks he's accumulated in those plate appearances, that's about a .185 avg (his "close and late" average this year is .296 and he has 1 RBI in that split as well). That's not very good for someone so clutch. So just how important is that? Well, if he had four more hits in those situations prior to tonight's game (which they just lost by one run, again), they win four of those games and are 25-24 and only 8.5 back. Jeter's lack of clutch is losing them games. A five game differential (assuming one of those was against the Sox) is the difference between a train wreck and a 3 car pile up. The Captain may be the best hitter in that lineup right now (Posada clearly can't keep this up), but he is doing them no favors when it really counts.
Making fun of fat people isn't funny anymore? Can someone forward me that memo.
Dear God, I should have known better than to post an opinion on a subject worshipped by people who can't differentiate between opinion and fact. So after my seemingly innocuous knock of the MMA main event (a match which was universally described as disappointing at best), I took some shit from a pair of commenters who attempted--admirably if not successfully--to give me shit for not recognizing that MMA fighters use smaller gloves (though they would argue that they brought up several killer points and those points can be found in the comment section of this post). Well, I was prepared to respond to their critiques via comment, but since I ended up writing so much I decided to create a new post for the two of them. This will be kinda like a Sports Guy Mailbag except I will curse a little and defend myself for calling someone fat. I know this goes against much of the blogosphere's unwritten rules of decorum, but here goes anyway:
Commenter Brian: "Mike (a previous commenter) brings up two valid points disproving your inane blog post."
Brian, I didn't see two valid points based in fact (or common sense for that matter), I saw an opinion. And an opinion doesn't "disprove" anything. My opinion is that a heavyweight boxer wouldn't lose consciousness from a glancing blow to the chin because he is programmed to take those punches no matter if the guy he's fighting is wearing brass knuckles or a fucking goose down pillow on his hand. Like Mike, you Brian are also stating your opinion. I respect it but disagree. Also like Mike, you Brian aren't telling me something I don't know. Argue your point. Don't just believe you are right because your MMA Mag tells you so.
Commenter Brian: "If you realized it before writing that post the gloves MMA fighters use are much smaller than boxing gloves. So boxers can take more punishment than ultimate fighters. Thats not even research you have to do on that matter, its just common sense."
Pointing out that MMA fighters have smaller gloves is like pointing out that NBA centers are tall. It doesn't require a ton of "research." We agree on that. I never said they didn't. Like I said above, I just think Lennox Lewis or Evander Holyfield wouldn't have been on the canvas after that punch no matter what sized glove the guy hitting them with it was wearing (that's my opinion). Also, by pointing out that a boxer can take more punishment and therefore (I'm filling in a few blanks for you) is likely to participate in a boxing match for a longer period of time than an MMA fighter is able to stay upright in his match, you are making my point that a main event boxing match is a better fight to pay to watch because the main attraction fighter won't take a nap 2 minutes in.
Commenter Brian: You write: "Mike brings up two valid points disproving your inane blog post and you choose to respond by attacking his grammar." Then you write: "You made yourself look even more ignorant about the subject YOU posted by completely skirting the issue Mike writes about." Only later to write (in your dramatic concluding paragraph): "If you realized it before writing that post the gloves MMA fighters use are much smaller than boxing gloves." Huh?
Ok, I don't want to feed your fire here but like I pointed out to Mike in an earlier comment, don't call someone's writing "inane" and call them "ignorant" and then write a sentence like that last one noted above. You ever hear the one where the pot calls the kettle.... I'm just gonna move on.
Commenter Brian: "And I love how you say "I normally don't respond to comments..." then follow up with a list of attacks that has nothing to do with the original argument."
Also, when I said "I don't normally respond to comments," that's true. If you read through the 100+ posts I've written, this is the second time I've responded. That's actually factually correct. Even you would have to admit that's a +1 for me on that one.
Commenter Brian: "Someone argues against one of your posts and you go on some grammar crusade, telling him he is fat?"
I'd argue that Mike wasn't "arguing against" one of my points but is instead calling me an idiot for not realizing that MMA fighters have smaller gloves, but that's kinda beside the point. Had you done any research yourself about Mike, Brian, you'd realize that he was fat and his ENTIRE BLOG IS DEDICATED TO DESCRIBING HIS ATTEMPTS TO GET IN BETTER SHAPE. If you think that's it's not fair to knock someone for writing about puppies and their attempts to lose weight, well we'll have to agree to disagree on that one. It sounds like we have differing standards of what's funny. You, for instance, like stuff that is not funny. That's fair...
Penultimately, neither of you responded to my major point that if the best MMA can do is have their top dog take a shot to the chin and get TKO'd in under two minutes, I don't see the appeal. Though I do concede that the event with the multiple exciting undercards is enticing to a viewer who likes that style of fighting. It's hard to market a sport without a star with staying power. In Boxing, Holyfield's appeal was his ability to get back up and fight. Tyson's appeal was that he had the unique ability to end a fight with one punch. In both cases you were likely to get about a half an hour of top notch entertainment from the two guys you paid to see. Even the best fighters in MMA don't consistently stay on the television screen for longer than 3 minutes. I would argue that that's a hard fight to market. If you're marketing the event (as opposed to the main event), you're asking people to pay money to watch a bunch of no names wrestle eachother in spandex. Without good storylines, this will forever be a niche sport.
Lil' Mac could've found the Liddell's glass chin quicker than Jackson did.
I'm sure Chuck Liddell has more tough in his ass hairs than I have in my entire body but that "fight" last night was one of the weakest events I've ever seen. Why anyone would pay a red cent to see a guy take a weak right hook on the chin and then fall to the ground like King Hippo is beyond me. The totality of a UFC event is probably more exciting than a boxing match because there are multiple fights and the action is fast and furious, but the headlining event will never compare. The maximum amount of time these fights last is about 4 minutes and that's if the guys pussyfoot around for 3 of those minutes. In Boxing, people receive shots to the chin like that almost EVERY ROUND. Not only do those punches usually not end the fight, but the guy rarely falls down after receiving them. And even if they do fall down, they usually get up. I'm not saying Liddell wouldn't have been able to get up from it, but he lost consciousness when he took that hit and that 1 second when was falling was all it took to end the fight because Jackson didn't hesitate to finish him off. The series of events that ended the biggest fight in UFC history (from a marketing standpoint) was much more disappointing than the Mayweather - De La Hoya fight. The face of the sport crumpled to the ground after taking a routine punch. I'm not saying Chuck Liddell's a pussy, I'm just sayin that if this is the best this sport's got, well that kinda sucks.
The Van Gundy leg hump may have just fallen out of the top ten most ridiculous moments in Knicks history.
So this ranks right up there in the truth is stranger than fiction department, the Knicks, a team in need of any news that could reasonably be construed as positive, decided to retain the services of resident vocal diarrhea veteran Micheal Ray Richardson (that's how the man spells it) as a member of their community relations department". Richardson recently made headlines after he made some comments that some people interpreted as anti-semitic (though personally, I think complimenting airport security and an ethnicity's ability to deal with years of persecution is not "anti" anything even though Richardson may have couched his compliments in an ignorant manner). He's also been criticized for making homophobic remarks and is notorious for his gift of gab on other tough subjects like the racial double standard and the development of some NBA prospects. My personal favorite being this one:
REPORTER: What do you think is happening to the team?
RICHARDSON: The ship be sinking.
REPORTER: How far can it sink?
RICHARDSON: Sky's the limit.
Now I don't think that Micheal Ray should be banned from participating in organized basketball for the rest of his days (he was just hired as head coach of the CBA's Oklahoma City team), but maybe he should have been moved from the community relations department of a team in a city with the nation's largest Jewish community to a more "behind the scenes" department, like GM. Just sayin....
It makes no sense to me that the Macarena became a dance sensation but this dance never really took off. Also, isn't the guy with the hat and scratchy voice Lou Bega or at the very least Arsenio Hall impersonating Lou Bega?
I can't believe it's taken me so long to figure this out. I almost feel dumber than Isiah... almost.
If ever there was a moment when I realized that I had lost all feelings whatsoever for the NBA, it was last night during the Cavs - Pistons game when I switched to the Food Network during the waining moments so I could catch how the judges felt about Morimoto's pepper dishes. And when I later found out that the game was over and it was close and i had missed it, I felt happy that I had seen Morimoto's weird Chili Pepper Tempura. THE SHIT WAS STILL MOVING AFTER HE COOKED IT! IT LOOKED ALIVE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE (it was not)! I have no idea how he did that. Despite this indifference to the NBA product, I still have a rooting interest in the NBA and thus pay it some mind. That rooting interest is the New York Knicks. I hate them and I love hating them. I mostly hate Isiah, but the Knicks in general are just an unlikable bunch. The most frequent criticism of the team is that their leadership--mostly Isiah--has no direction or master plan. Well, I'm here to tell you that those critics are wrong. Dead wrong. Today, after reading an ESPN.com "rumor" about the Knicks plans for Vince Carter this offseason, I have officially cracked the code of Isiah Thomas. Here is what was written, see if you can figure it out:
Despite Vince Carter's disappointing postseason, the Knicks still have interest in pursuing the Nets high-flyer if he becomes a free agent July 1, a source close to Isiah Thomas told the New York Post.
Do you see it? I mean, it's right there in front of you. Think about every personnel move Isiah has ever made. Then look at the first sentence of the blockquote above. Now plug a player where Vince Carter's name is and then finish the sentence anyway you wish. You see it now. Here are a few:
Stephon Marbury Despite being a noted coach killer and me first point guard whose teams have improved after leaving them, Isiah Thomas desperately wants to add Stephon Marbury to the Knicks.
Renaldo Balkman Despite Renaldo's limited athleticism and the fact that no one else intended to draft him, Isiah Thomas took Renaldo Balkman with his first selection in the 2006 NBA draft.
Stevie Franchise Despite the Knicks crowded backcourt and the fact that there is no way in hell that Marbury and Francis can coexist, Isiah Thomas traded his biggest chip (Hardaway's expiring contract) for Francis's bloated contract.
Jerome James Despite being a horrendous basketball player, Jerome James was signed by Isiah Thomas.
Do you see the pattern? It's frigging Genius. Isiah, I will never criticize you again. Your plan will offer slapstick comedy for years to come. Thank you good sir.
Being that I'm a former Laxer I figured I'd be in a decent position to create a guide for viewers new to the "Fastest Growing Collegiate Sport" (which in the title IX era parlance means the male/female sport created after they cancelled your school's wrestling program). Now, my team never made the tournament but I've been to the tournament a couple of times, I've watched it a ton and I played for a dozen years or so, so I think it's safe to say that I am an a friggin expert AND THE COURT WILL HERE MY OPINION! (two "A Few Good Men" quotes in one day. Solid). Anyhoo, I'm listing a few terms and phrases that you should be familiar with while watching this weekend. These terms will come in especially helpful if you are attending:
Quint Kessenich Quint will be your guide through the weekend (likely joined at the hip by Leif Elsmo). You may remember Quint's work from some of the ABC horse racing coverage and I think he did some work as a sideline reporter for a Orioles - DRays weekday day game in 2006 when Gammo called in sick. Quint is a former 4-time All-American goalie at Johns Hopkins and is unfortunately the broadcast face/voice of college lacrosse. He's pretty knowledgeable about the game but he's kind of a boner. Actually, he's a complete boner. He likes to toe the line between explaining the game to people who know the game very well and explaining it like he's talking to a group of mentally retarded foreigners. He'll also be featured at least twice during the game in some sort of on field play-acting with a player from one of the teams (likely Duke), in an effort to show how a man-up play works, a face-off is won or a how a split dodge works. He's kinda like a more annoying, pre-pubescent leprechaun version of Fox Baseball's "Scooter," only Quint talks the entire game. You may want to hit the mute button.
Slide Technically this is when a defensive player leaves his man (or "space" if they're playing zone or are man-down) to help defend another player. You will hear this term A LOT no matter what is going on on the field. You will hear about sliding early, no slides, lack of sliding, fucking slippin slides.... you can just ignore all of that talk. It's helpful to know what a slide is as you'll be hearing so much about it, but is not helpful to know exactly what's going on. It's like tuning out Hubie Brown when he talks about the nuance of weakside help and rotating down to the post. It's a part of the game, but it's about as exciting as woman's college softball, which is likely playing on ESPNU right now if you're interested.
Gilman A "Gilman" is also known as a "cheap" and a "duck and chuck". It refers to an instance when a defensive player gets the ball and throws it all the way to the offensive end of the field without any rhyme or reason. It's similar to "icing" in hockey yet there are no consequences. The term is actually a reference to a Baltimore high school that apparently used this method so often that they are forever infamously tied to it. The beauty of the term is that it can be used as a verb or a noun. You can "Gilman it," or you can tell your opponent, "Sweet Gilman, pussy."
Long Pole This refers to a player carrying the six foot long titanium shaft around the field. You are only allowed to have four of these types of sticks on the field at any one time and they are usually in the hands of the top defenders and biggest knuckleheads on your team. It is also interesting to note that the length of these poles is inversely proportional to that person's shower presence. Though the width of the stick is directly proportional to said presence. The goalie is the only player on the field with a wider stick than anyone else.
Poke Check, Ding Dong, Back Check, Helicopter These are different ways that defensive players try and take the ball away from an offensive player. And by take away, I mean knock the ball on the ground. The poke check is similar to a Lennox Lewis straight jab, but with a 6 foot metal pole. People throw them constantly and they generally have no effect unless you connect when the guy isn't expecting it. In fact, now that I think about it, they are exactly like Lewis's straight jab. The Ding Dong is when you fake like you are gonna go over the guy's head with your long pole and then come down right in front of his mask and directly down on his exposed wrists until he bleeds like a hemophiliac. The back check is when you essentially slash the brain stem of the person holding the ball in the hopes that you either hit the stick or paralyze the left side of the guy's face by incapacitating his medulla oblongata. The Helicopter is when you slash the limp-wristed ball carrier's stick so hard that the stick goes flying around like a helicopter blade. Hence the name: Helicopter. You'll see all these checks back-to-back in the clip below the "Rusty Gate" definition.
Rusty Gate The successful Rusty Gate check is the White Whale of lacrosse checks, therefore it deserves a discussion all its own. It NEVER works, yet people constantly throw it and hope for the best. The check is most often thrown by short stick defenders. It requires the defending player to turn his back to the guy he is defending while simultaneously throwing a one arm backhanded check blindly at the guy carrying the ball. The end result most often involves the defenders stick flying out of his hands, the offensive player scoring and high pitched screams coming from the coaches on the sideline as the offending player exits the field. A successful Rusty Gate can be seen around the midway mark of the below video.
Cradle When a player has the ball and he is running down the field with the ball in his possession you will notice he is constantly twisting his wrists back and forth causing his stick (or "cross") to "cradle" the ball. We call that cradling. That's pretty much that.
Cradle of Lacrosse This refers to the area of the country that produces the best lacrosse players. Most agree that the actual cradle of lacrosse is Northern New York (Jefferson and St. Lawrence Counties). Though you will get arguments from the midget lax diehards of West Genny from the greater Syracuse area, the sleeveless hairlips of Strong Island, the greasy long-hairs of Baltimore and some pop-collared dickheads from Fairfield County. Don't let them try and fool you with facts, stats or "evidence:" it's NNY. End of convo.
Lacrossetitutes This term refers to the chicks who hang out with the one guy on your team who has a girlfriend. They show up to all the games, drink beer at all the parties, wear skimpy clothing, flirt with all the members of the team and then never hook up with any of the players. Everyone else on campus thinks they are complete whores and that the lacrosse team scores a ton of ass, but it's not the case. Or it's at least not true that the lacrosse players are banging the lacrossestitutes. You will see many of these girls in the stands and at the tailgates. Steer clear. You can identify them because they know the names of the players' parents and are likely sitting with them at the game or pilfering drinks at the team's tailgate.
Dude, Brah, Broseph This is how wealthy white kids with lacrosse sticks refer to eachother. Each will be preceded or followed by the word "sweet" or "sick."
Baltimore Hair Also known as a "Schvelby" or "Business Party." This refers to relatively short hair on top with some serious trash coming out the back. Usually this hair is a bit curly and curls up in the back just outside the coverage of the helmet. You will see plenty of this greasing out of the back of the Delaware helmets. Those guys are dirtbags.
Baltimore After 7pm No place you want to find yourself unless you're not fond of your wallet, anal virginity or kidney.
Ten Man Ride I should probably start by mentioning that there are 10 players on a lacrosse field. Generally the goalie stays in his crease but in certain instances when you either have an athletic goalie (like myself), or you need to press because you're down a few in a tight game, you'll let your goalie loose when the defense gets the ball and allow your goalie to run around like an asshole and chase players down as well. Most times this results in a Gilman by some dickhead with Baltimore Hair and the guy the goalie was covering will get the ball while the unathletic goalie chases him from behind and back checks the shit out him in a fruitless effort to free the ball (see, you're gettin the hang of it).
Yard Sale This occurs when a player on one team throws an ill-advised pass (or "hospital pass") to another player and gets planted by a defender. The hit usually results in a loss of equipment by the player receiving the hit with a glove in one place, a stick on the sideline and a genital (is it legal to use "genital" in the singular?)on the restraining line. The visionary effect of this result is similar to what it would look like to drive by a yard sale in Carthage, New York. Except there would be multiple genitals for sale. I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. Moving on....
Lacrosse Heritage You'll likely learn that the sport of lacrosse was created by Native Americans. The broadcasters will feign reverence for this fun fact and possibly mention that there are a couple awards named in reference to Native American heritage. They will then discuss the importance of the relationship between the sport of lacrosse and the Native American community. That's something called "lip service." Quint Kessenich could give a fuck about Native Americans. You can ask him when the camera is off. He'll tell ya. Little leprechaun prick.
Air Gait This was a move created by two Canadians, Paul & Gary Gait, the "Gait Brothers," who brought the sport of lacrosse into the 90's and made it so widely popular that ESPN broadcasts 3 games a year on its top 2 channels every year. The move starts with a player starting behind the goal, running towards the back of the crease, leaping like a cheetah or some sort of animal you'd find on the African plains that can jump really far and high, and finishes with the diving player stuffing the ball into the net while the defenseless goalie flails away at the ball. The move was copied by every lacrosse player to pick up a stick in the 90's only to be banned by a new rule that does not allow a goal if the player who scores ends up in the crease. Good way to kill the most popular move in lacrosse history. It would be like outlawing the dunk. Video footage can be seen below (old school style) and the Air Gait is shown at the 27 second mark (4:10 mark if your video counts down as opposed to up).
The Move of The Future This move is a little more complicated and a little more difficult to describe. It requires a little more advanced knowledge of the game to even understand what the hell I'm talking about. You've made it this far so I'm trusting that you can follow me through this, plus a modified "Move of The Future" makes an appearance at around the 4:12 mark in the video below. Essentially, a player starts at a defender, jabs steps one way, bringing his stick in front of him in an overhand and circular motion and at the same time spins the opposite direction of the jab step, clearing himself of the defender. It never works and usually results in a helicopter or early slide yard sale because the offensive player attempting the move has his back turned as he moves directly towards the goal and towards about half a dozen other defenders who are ready to fertilize the soil with his spleen. When it works, it is fantastic. Shorts are creamed. As cool a move as it is, a move of the future will not in any way impact that player's ability to hook up with a lacrossetitute.
BTB It stands for "behind the back" or when a player throws a pass or shot behind his back or head. The shot does serve some utility in a similar fashion to a behind the back pass or dribble in basketball, but much like those moves the BTB in Lax is used far too often by assholes who just want to look fancy and are usually compensating for erectile dysfunction. As you may have guessed, guys that utilize this shot and fail likely played their high school ball at Gilman, usually get burned on the ten man ride and have been kicking Baltimore Hair since birth.
So there you have it. If you know those terms you can watch this weekend's lacrosse final four with a little more confidence than you would have without the information. I hope you enjoy and please let me know if you feel like I missed any key terms.
This leak about Giambi testing positive for amphetamines may be the best thing to ever happen to him.
Clearly I'm not a huge fan of the Yankees and I think their front office has done some stupid things in recent years, but this Giambi amphetamine leak is perhaps their dumbest move ever. Jason Giambi should sue the absolute shit out of the Yankees, the MLB and whatever organization is responsible for testing the players. If Roger Goodell was pissed about the leak of the marijuana admissions before the draft (a first time admission about a substance with no discernable affect by players who never really said when they did it, so it seemingly would have a far lesser affect on their value in the draft), Bud Selig should be fucking APESHIT about this information getting out when the Players only agreed to it BECAUSE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CONFIDENTIAL. We'll probably never know who leaked it, but there is only one party in this that benefits in ANY CONCEIVABLE WAY: The New York Yankees. The act does not void his contract so it doesn't benefit them there, but the information does devalue Jason to the point where they can be excused for trading him to the Angels or Mariners for a bag of donuts and a handjob. PLUS, because of this information, when Giambi hits the free market in the fall of 2009, his value will be decreased and whatever he signs for will be less than he would have had the information not been leaked. The difference in value of that contract from what he could have earned had it not been leaked will at least be partly the fault of the party who leaked the information. It will be difficult to discern that specific value, but whatever it is, the leaking party will owe it to Jason Giambi for violating the terms of the Players' Agreement. That money that Jason loses will come out of the ass of George Steinbrenner. And why? BECAUSE HE COULDN'T RUN VERY FAST! (sorry, I couldn't help myself there. Lt. Weinberg is one of my favorites). Btw, Jas, if you're one of my loyal readers, shoot me an email and I'll file the suit myself. Nothing would make me happier than serving my first complaint on Bud and Big Stein.
This picture makes me really uncomfortable on a lot of levels.
While the "controversy" surrounding last night's game was yet another questionable move by A-rod (a move no more cheap than leaning into a fastball to get plunked or running on the grass to first base to try and cause a bad throw), maybe people should have paid closer attention to what Tito Francona said regarding JD Drew's slump and his shot at Joe Torre.
Drew, who has been awful of late, has been the focus of much media scrutiny. Francona, always a defender of his guys, was asked by reporters if he intends to do anything to the lineup in an effort deal with JD's slump and responded that Drew's a streaky hitter and at some point in the not so distant future will go on a tear. Then, in an effort to defend his actions further, Francona quipped:
"If we don't panic and hit him eighth, we'll be the recipient of that"
Hmmmm.... who do we know that "panicked" when a streaky hitter went cold and subsequently dropped him to the 8th slot in an effort to take the pressure off of him and help him to perform. I feel like this happened before.... oh right, it was Joe Torre who dropped A-Rod to the 8th spot in last year's Detroit series and then got skewered by the media about it because it worked out so poorly.
I'm sure Tito didn't mean to insult Torre about dropping A-Rod to the 8th slot last year, but that was a not so subtle reminder of how poorly that move worked out and Tito should have known better.
I know bashing Michael Kay is not exactly as challenging as splitting the atom, but every once in awhile I just need to clear the air about him for my own sanity. It's cathartic. Anyhoo, during his radio show today, a show I normally enjoy, Kay continued to rip the Red Sox bullpen, saying that the reason this weakness of the sox (the bullpen) hasn't been exposed is because the Sox starters have gone so deep into games. He went on to say that they only have two guys in the bullpen who can do anything: Okajima and Papelbon (he went on to call JC Romero horrible despite the fact that he has 18 appearances and an ERA at 2.45). Well, he's half right, or at least a third right.... make that about a fifth right. The Sox starters have gone deep into games, he got that part right. The problem is that the bullpen is not a weakness. The Sox have 4 guys in the bullpen who have 14 or more appearances with ERAs under 3 (and two other guys with ERAs of 3.38 and 4.15 respectively). And unlike the Yanks, one of those guys, Kyle Snyder, can pitch longer than one inning. He's what is known as a "long man." Someone should send a fax to Brian Cashman explaining the position of long man and why it is sometimes helpful to have one. Plus, Tavarez is so versatile he could throw a couple innings in between starts and still make a start on the sixth or seventh day if the Sox have an extra off day. The Sox bullpen is put together very well. Pineiro is the most inconsistent of anyone in the bullpen and his ERA is a full run lower than Rivera's. So while the Sox bullpen is being used less than the Yanks', we're almost a third of the way through the season. I'm not sure we can fall back on the flukey start thing with them. I think it's fair to say that they are pretty good.
Speaking of the Yanks' bullpen overuse, the way Torre has used the bullpen is starting to effect the way the booth calls the game. About midway through the 5th inning, with the Sox carrying a 4-2 lead and having just given up a double, two walks and a run, and having thrown about 80 pitches, Kay started questioning Francona's decision to keep Tavarez in the game. He said, "Geez, Francona must have an awful lot of faith in Tavarez to keep him in." Mind you that Tavarez had given up 3 hits total over the entire game and the Sox have a little more than 100 games left to play. It's not a playoff series and wouldn't be even if the standings were tighter. Why would Francona pull Tavarez? IT WAS THE FIFTH FUCKING INNING, THEY WERE WINNING AND IT'S MAY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! Just because Torre panics and pulls his starters in the fourth of a one run game in April doesn't mean that that's what you're supposed to do. In fact, given how the Yanks are playing, couldn't you suggest that maybe Torre should leave a guy in and sacrifice him for the betterment of the team once in awhile. This game didn't mean shit to the Sox and didn't mean a whole lot more to the Yanks in the grand scheme of things. Suggesting that you pull your fifth starter in the fifth in a game you're winning is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. Come on Mikey, don't let Torre's idiocy rub off on you.
Shameless Sox, Pats and 'Cuse fan. I consider myself fairly objective but harbor an unhealthy (and unexplainable) loathing for Quin Snyder.
Hit me up at luoldang@yahoo.com if you have something hilarious to say.
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