Max Kellerman Pilfers The Sports Guy's Idea, Page 6 Eats It Right Up

Sadly, I don't think Max Kellerman fears prosecution as intra-ESPN theft is a victimless crime.
I do not like Max Kellerman. I don't like his radio program or his overly precise consonant annunciation (if you listen to his radio commercials, you know what I'm talking about) and I especially don't like that he sipped the "Boeheim" shot (5 parts vodka, 1 part orange soda in a tumbler) we bought him at Rathbones only to leave it unfinished (and later laughed at me when I drunkenly suggested that the Blue Jays would win a pennant in the next 4 years, fucking prick). When his show comes on 1050am radio at 10am every morning, I turn the radio off and switch to the webcast of Cowherd's show out of Austin, Texas. For some reason I derive great joy from making this switch every day. So it is with great pleasure that I point out that Kellerman blatantly stole--and is now publicly receiving credit for--Bill Simmons' celebrity news Fantasy Game.

In today's New York Post, Page 6 notes that Max Kellerman "created" a game akin to fantasy football for the gossip pages:

"April 26, 2008 -- YOU'VE heard of fantasy football and fantasy baseball, where fans assemble all-star teams which compete based on their players' statistics over the course of the season. Well, last year, the people at the Kellerman and Kenny Show at 1050 ESPN Radio came up with a Page Six version of the game. Three partnerships held their draft on yesterday's show."

Of course, if you've read any of the Sports Guy's material over the last couple of years, you'd know that he came up with this exact same concept a full year earlier:

"So (Posted May 9, 2006) I'm going to create an Us Weekly fantasy league just for her. It's a million-dollar idea that could make me rich, if I weren't too dumb to figure out how to trademark it. More important, it will save my marriage. I can't afford to get divorced, it's way too expensive.

Here's how it works: 10 teams, auction format, $200 cap, five male and five female celebs per roster. Scoring is head-to-head for 22 weeks, playoffs over the last three (so you can have two seasons per year). OK, let's say you pay $55 for that chain-smoking tramp Lindsay Lohan. If she makes the cover of Us, you get 10 points (three for the inset photo). Every other Lohan picture inside is worth one. If she appears in the "Fashion Police," you're docked three. That's it. Simple. You can add or drop your celebs each Monday. Like maybe you want to dump Jake Gyllenhaal (because the whole "Brokeback" thing has played out) and grab Josh Hartnett (because he's dating Scarlett Johansson). Then again, you might want to hang on to Gyllenhaal. He's single and his number might be up in the Lohan deli line."

Now I will say that I'm not 100% sure that Kellerman didn't pay homage to Simmons when he suggested the game on-air last year (though judging by his shot-taking decorum, I'm guessing he didn't say shit), but regardless it's a pretty shitty situation for one of ESPN's own to get credit for the other's idea in such a public forum. I'm sure this is not lost on Simmons and I'm sure he'll take a half-assed and passive-aggressive "swipe" at Kellerman on his podcast at some time when the issue has fully blown over (similar to his "Obama" mention during the Eisen podcast), though of course no one will ever fully acknowledge that there's any bad blood because ESPN's dirty laundry never sees the light of day .

For Some Reason The NFL Draft Seems Awfully Lame This Year

If you have any questions about the definition of the word "lame," these guys could probably point you in the right direction.
Normally I am friggin geeked for the NFL Draft by the Thursday before the big day. I've read every mock draft and reviewed them with a fine toothed comb (making witty comments to myself like, "you idiot Don Banks, there's no f'n way Rodgers-Cromartie falls out of the top ten. This isn't the CFL draft!" And I laugh and I laugh...) and have listened to enough of Mel Kiper's predictable speaking cadence that I can finish his sentences with proper voice inflection. This year I'm just not all that into it. I don't know whether it's the teams at the front of the draft or the players coming out, but for some reason this draft just lacks a certain umph.

My guess is that the reason the Draft is lacking this year is because the players at the front of the draft are completely unknown quantities. The only one anyone really has any familiarity with is Darren McFadden and he's not even in the discussion at 2 or 3. Instead we've got a the Tyler Hansborough of D Ends (gritty, motor guy with a big heart) and one of the most talented D lineman in recent memory whose limbs are apparently constructed out of wet toilet paper. Even the top QBs don't have a ton of marquee value because none of them (other than my draft favorite, Chad Henne) are from programs anyone's ever watched. The WRs suck the RBs have a ton of depth (all the way through Mike Hart who is projected in the 4th/5th) and the real playmakers (like DeSean Jackson and Aqib Talib) have been red flagged to death. Other than Chris Long and Jerod Mayo, there's not a player in this draft that people seem to like. I hate to admit it but we may have reached our saturation point for NFL Draft information. There's so much out there about these kids that when the Pats pick their guy, I'll be so confused as to how to feel that I'll probably be emotionless. All that being said, it won't stop me from picking my over and underrated guys in this draft and project the first 15. While I didn't do too badly picking the over and underrated guys (in fact, I was f'n dead on) I sucked at picking the draft last year but I still enjoyed it so I'm doing it again. Here goes something....

Overrated:
1. Glenn Dorsey - if he's healthy, he's Warren Sapp. He's never healthy.
2. Vernon Gholston - Mike Mamula says hello.
3. Devin Thomas - JuCo kid with 6 catches in 2006. One year at Mich. St. and he's a first rounder?
4. Limas Sweed - Mike Williams part deux.
5. Felix Jones - The guy is 5'10" 205lbs. He's almost my size. I could not play in the NFL.
6/7. Joe Flacco / Brian Brohm - Great peripherals and disappointing college careers, unless you count eating. Joe Flacco could give Jared Lorenzen a run for his money in a pudding eating contest.

Underrated
1. Rodgers-Cromartie - Big, fast, great hands and raw. He may be the first shutdown corner to come out of the draft since DeAngelo Hall.
2. Clady / Alberts / Otah / Williams - The OTs in this draft are gonna be good.
3. Jerod Mayo - He's a physical specimen and played tremendous in the toughest conference in the NCAA.
4. Calais Campbell - I have a man crush on him. 6'8", athletic and tore through the ACC two years ago.
5. Chad Henne - He reminds me of Matt Hasselbeck. So I guess he'll play on an above average team in a bad conference and not win a big game, just like college!
6. Rashard Mendenhall - First jewish running back in the NFL.

NFL Draft Projections
1. Miami Dolphins - Jake Long

2. St. Louis Rams - Glenn Dorsey

3. Atlanta Falcons - Vernon Gholston

4. Oakland Raiders - Chris Long

5. Baltimore Ravens - Sedrick Ellis

6. New York Jets - Matt Ryan

7. Cincinnati - Darren McFadden

8. Kansas City - Chris Williams

9. New England - Branden Albert

10. New Orleans Saints - Mike Jenkins

11. Buffalo Bills - Devin Thomas

12. Denver Broncos - Ryan Clady

13. Carolina Panthers - Jeff Otah

14. Chicago Bears - Rashard Mendenhall

15. Detroit Lions - Keith Rivers

16. Arizona Cardinals - Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie

17. Kansas City - Derrick Harvey

18. Houston Texans - Aqib Talib

19. Philadelphia Eagles - Jerod Mayo

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - DeSean Jackson

21. Washington Redskins - Malcolm Kelly

22. Dallas Cowboys - Leodis McKelvin

23. Pittsburgh Steelers - Jamaal Charles

24. Tennessee Titans - Devin Thomas

25. Seattle Seahawks - Mario Manningham

26. Jacksonville Jaguars - Calais Campbell

27. San Diego Chargers - Kenny Phillips

28. Dallas Cowboys - Marcus Harrison

29. S.F. 49ers - Gosder Cherilus

30. Green Bay Packers - Antoine Cason

31. New York Giants - Brandon Flowers

If I have time tomorrow or Saturday, I'll give some explanations for all of this but for now I'm sticking to it.

What A Waste Of A Good Rivalry

You idiots! Do you know how much that hooch would be worth today?
Few things bother me more than a good opportunity wasted due to bad timing or uncontrollable circumstances. For instance, had the Black Sox scandal occurred in today's media climate, Jay Marriotti's head would explode. If Mickey Mantle played in New York today, he'd have been run out of town before his second season with his constant appearances on TMZ and Page 6. And if Skip Bayless were commentating on sports at the turn of the century, a ballplayer (likely Ty Cobb) would have given him the drubbing he so rightly deserves. Alas, we can only wonder what might've been as none of that will ever happen and we'll have to wonder what could've been. I'm reminded of these scenarios when I read today about the ongoing feud between Geno Auriemma and Pat Summit.

The feud is a good one. It features two folks at the pinnacle of their craft in a very public forum constantly battling through periodic character digs, all the while reminding us how great it can be when competitive sports turns 50 year-olds into 7 year-olds. There are rumors and threats and public call outs and tattle-taling.... this story's got it all. I mean look at this stuff:

Connecticut coach Geno Auriemma said the regular-season series against rival Tennessee was canceled because Lady Vols coach Pat Summitt accused the Huskies of a recruiting violation.

Auriemma, speaking to reporters on campus Tuesday, said Summitt "doesn't have the courage to say it publicly."

"Pat knows ... So she should just tell you why instead of saying, 'Geno knows.' I do know," he said Tuesday. "I already told you. She accused us of cheating at recruiting. She doesn't have the courage to say it publicly. So yeah, Geno does know. And I've said it."

Now that is good stuff. Unfortunately, because it is women's hoops, no one gives a shit. It'd be like shooting Goodfellas with the cast of Full House (Kimmy Gibbler playing the roll of Sandy and Uncle Joey as Billy Batts). I mean, imagine if this were happening with the two most public figures in a sport that mattered? What if Tony LaRussa and Joe Torre were yapping like this or better yet, Peyton and Brady. Man this coulda been good if not great. Instead we have to listen to two blowhards who coach a sport that is overtelevised and underathleticized (word?) get awfully nasty about some rivalry that no one really cares about. What an f'n waste.

At Long Last Our Prayers Have Been Answered!

Protest no more you ugly & smelly hippies, Matt Walsh will finally be heard.
In a story that refuses to leave us alone no matter how few of us actually give a shit, the NFL and Matt Walsh have finally come to an agreement regarding who can sue him and for how much (the word is he will not be held civilly liable for anything as long as he doesn't profit from his "story"). Walsh will now meet with Roger Goodell on May 13th to discuss what it is he has been holding onto all this time. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, thank God. I could hardly sleep at night wondering just what Walsh had to offer. I really think we're going to learn something amazing from his interview. It matters so much and I think he's a really credible dude so I'm sure he'll have a ton to talk about. But if you want to know what I really think... what a bunch of fucking horseshit.

Let's assume that Matt Walsh has 50 tapes or 150 tapes. Let's then assume that these tapes are of every opponent's signs, practices, walk-throughs and some POV home video footage of Andy Reid in the bedroom (let's hope not). What exactly does that prove? If he has all of it, Belichick will deny he ever saw it and then you'll have a he said / he said between two dudes who no one finds credible. The only difference will be that Belichick will have a ton of corroborators to his story while Matt Walsh will only have himself. Goodell will be forced to decide who to believe and will face a ton of pressure to further penalize the Pats while Kraft will be in the unenviable task of backing a guy who may have lied to him. And since that will be the end of it, nothing good will come out of it. But in the more likely scenario that Walsh only has his stories of what happened, what the hell will that prove? It's not as though we don't now know that the Pats taped people. What exactly will he be adding to the conversation and what could possibly be the consequences? If he tells Goodell he taped the Rams walk-through and that's all he's got, what could Goodell possibly do? Absolutely nothing. Because without more it's just another accusation and that's not enough to penalize the Pats.

Listen, I'm not suggesting that Matt Walsh shouldn't be spoken to and shouldn't give up all he's got. All I'm saying is that the media has made way too big a deal out of him when people stopped caring about this story 3 months ago; and when Walsh doesn't have shit on anybody and nothing happens after his interview don't say I didn't tell you so.

Much Like The Pitch That Caused It, The Farnsworth Suspension Was The Right Idea But Poorly Executed

Right idea, poor execution. And it couldn't have happened to a bigger douche...
Considering what had transpired prior to Kyle Farnsworth's pitch, the response was awfully predictable. The previous day, Dave Aardsma accidentally (we think) plunked A-Rod in a fairly tight game. The next night Manny went yard twice and then stepped to the batter's box later in a game that was pretty much out of hand and faced a complete nutcase in Kyle Farnsworth. The Yanks couldn't get him out and someone needed to send a message. Manny knew it was coming, Farnsworth knew what to do and the next pitch was 97mph right at Manny's dome. Now, I have absolutely no problem with throwing at Manny in that situation and hitting him in the back/ribs or even going up and in on him near the letters. Manny is so locked in right now that if you don't make him move his feet he will deposit even your best offering into the gap or into the night. And had he simply hit Manny in the side, that would've been the end of it (Manny even agreed). But when Farnsworth's pitch went behind Manny's head, that was unacceptable and I agreed with the sentiment that the MLB needed to step in. And in typical MLB style, they stepped in and went way too far.

The reason Farnsworth needed to be punished is because his actions were reckless. If you don't have control enough over your fastball to throw it in on someone, you shouldn't throw it. Especially when your velocity is lethal (literally). And given the situation and the history of the teams, any inside pitch would be considered a "message" so you need to be extra careful not to throw anything dangerous. Farnsworth's pitch couldn't have been more dangerous. You should be able to respond to your player getting hit and you should be able to hit a player who is lighting you up, but if you fuck it up you should run the risk of getting suspended. If that pitch hits Manny in the head in that situation, you have World War III. The blogosphere and talk show circuits would explode. The MLB simply can't allow some second rate asshole to act so recklessly without trying to discourage future acts through a suspension. Unfortunately, 3 games is too much. All they needed was to send a message. You're out one game and docked $10,000 (or whatever). 3 games seems too long a time for the Yanks to be without a middle reliever considering their middle relief already blows. Though an inappropriate response does kinda seem fitting considering Farnsworth is being penalized for his inappropriate response.

The bottom line is this: you should be able to protect your guys. You shouldn't be allowed to kill players on the other team. Fair?

Smittblog Unveiled

Anonymous no more. It is time for the "brains" behind the Smittblog to reveal himself to the world.*
Anonymity has its advantages. For instance, I can call Derek Jeter a dude-loving nancy without fear of being approached on the street about it or having angry letters sent to my house, or even really worrying about a lawsuit regarding the veracity of my claims all while enjoying the plush comfort and dank scent of mom's basement. Also, given my blog's limited readership (and therefore my relative contribution to the "conversation"), I'm not pissing enough people off or getting enough anonymous credit to make it worth giving up my name. Or so I thought until recently.

If you've been paying attention, you've probably noticed that in the last couple of months a number of bloggers have taken off their anonymity cloaks and shown themselves to the world. It started with the gents from Fire Joe Morgan," and then the dude from The Big Lead came out, and then this week KSK's Christmas Ape came out.

Before Ape came out, the outing of bloggers was celebrated. The guys from Fire Joe Morgan (one of whom writes for "The Office" and appears periodically on the show as Dwight's brother Mose Schrute) were all but electronically felated when unmasked. Jason McIntyre of "The Big Lead" was featured in an SI.com article singing his praises. The praise gave bloggers everywhere confidence that perhaps it was safe to show ourselves and receive the laudatory bounty we so duly earned. And then Ape came out and all hell broke loose.

If you haven't read about it, you should, but to summarize, KSK's Christmas Ape revealed his true identity on the site this week only to be fired 48 hours later when his company (The Washington Post) learned of his "hobby" and felt that it was not in their best interest to keep him on. Fortunately for Ape, the boys at KSK are now getting paid for their work and he doesn't have to worry about filing for unemployment or applying for work with the Baltimore Sun. It was a ballsy move on his part and he upped the "ballsy" level by referring to the Newspaper biz in his "coming out" post as a "dying medium" (a reference not lost on his editor).

The firing brings up many questions about the fairness/absurdity of such actions, and while I could write at length about all of that (I would argue that the firing borders more closely the absurd than it does the fair) what the firing really did was get me thinking about my place in the blogosphere and my responsibility to the brave bloggers who have outed themselves and risked their very livelihoods to give blogging more legitimacy. Should I follow suit and join in this noble pursuit? I think I should. So it is without further ado that I present the real name and face of The Smittblog:



That's right. I am Jim J. Bullock.** Consequences be damned.

*The word "world" meaning the discreet world of obscure sports blog readers.
**Not necessarily true.

Don'te Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out

"Don'te Leave?" More like "Don'te play defense," "Don'te take good shots" and "Don'te really care if we win or lose as long as I get mine."
(Ed. Note: I wrote most of this two weeks ago after Syracuse lost to UMass and due to my busy schedule pure laziness I never got around to posting it. It appears almost unchanged except for the parts reflecting Donte's departure as fact as opposed to possibility).

I've never been much of a sucker. I don't own a bowflex or a piece of property sold by Erik Estrada. I have been offered roughly 73 trillion dollars in unaccounted for foreign funds by Daniel Amougbe (and his Nigerian associates), I've never taken him up on his offer to launder that money and my penis remains unimproved despite the many attempts to convince me that Mexican pharmaceuticals would give me a 6 inches of "confidence." For the most part, I have a keen eye for a deal that is too good to be true. But even the keenest of eyes can be fooled sometimes. And this year I got taken for a ride, big time. I got taken for a ride by the sports equivalent of the shiniest and most pristine piece of property Erik Estrada has to offer. And now, fortunately, I was let out of the deal.

Back in November, I wrote a little ditty about Syracuse Freshman Forward Donte Greene that ranked somewhere between a electronic felatio and the definition of hyperbole (the title of the post was "Donte Greene Is Going To Make People Forget About Syracuse Basketball's NCAA Snub, As Well As Basketball As You Knew It"). I hadn't seen Greene play but I had read about him and knew that he was a 6'11" kid who could shoot the three and was grabbing 10 boards a game and was compared favorably to Kevin Durant coming out of high school. And that was all I needed to hear. With the recent successes of guys like Durant and Odom (not to mention the recent success that Syracuse has found in the hands of Freshman Carmelo Anthony), I was convinced that a Syracuse version of Durant (along with a few complimentary parts like the best point guard Syracuse has ever had in Jonny Flynn) could lead 'Cuse to the promise land regardless of how much Greene may have actually cared about winning. I mean, I don't remember anyone criticizing Durant because he didn't dive for loose balls or play a lick of defense. I figured this kid was so offensively gifted that his weaknesses would go unexposed over a 27-30 win season. And holy fuck was I wrong.

You see the thing about Donte Greene is not so much that he's lazy (though he is that) as much as it is that he just doesn't give a fuck. Donte Greene plays the game with the least amount of interest in the outcome of the game of anyone I have ever seen. He wants his 20 and 8 and then he wants to go home. If the game were 24 - 100, he'd be just as happy as if it were 20 - 19 and he hit the winning full court shot while suffering from meningitis. He has absolutely no passion for the game. NONE. And in a normal situation he'd get his ass chewed out or handed to him on the practice court by some older players who understand what it means to win games in the Big East, but because Syracuse was so dependent on Donte for offensive production this year, the team had to defer to him as their de facto offensive "leader" and look the other way as he took terrible shots, made atrocious defensive decisions and got himself into unnecessary foul trouble in every single game. Meanwhile, players with guts and heart like Paul Harris and Jonny Flynn are killing themselves on every possession and doing the little things to keep Syracuse competitive. Paul Harris would play his heart out for 80 minutes and not score a point if it meant a 1 point win. To put things in proper perspective, Paul Harris and Donte Greene played almost exactly the same amount of minutes and Harris went to the free throw line almost twice as many times, and Greene's drawn fouls were almost always because some asshole on another team slapped him or committed some other stupid foul and had little or nothing to do with his ability to get into the lane (because he does not have this ability). And what Donte failed to realize is that the the hard-nosed players like Flynn and Harris can get away with a bad game (or season) because watching them you could tell how much it affected them. With Donte, unfairly or not, his flashy style and nonchalant playing attitude gave him less room for error from a fan's point of view. NBA threes and hand signals are great when your team is winning, but when you're losing, all that attention turns awfully negative awfully quick.

Now I'd be remiss if I didn't point out the positives of Donte's game. He's one of the most talented players ever to play at Syracuse (and that's saying something). Easily. He's a legit 6'10" and he's got range upon range. Between 15-25 feet, he's almost undefendable. He can pull up from 25, step back to 20 and fade away from 18. When he's on, he's got NBA game. He also has a fairly astute understanding of the game. He's got very good court vision and he is usually in the right spot on the break or whenever there's a play called for him (which was almost every time down the floor). He would start and be the best player on the Knicks if he were called up to the big show today. But in terms of his value to the future of the Syracuse OrangeMEN, I've had just about enough of Donte Greene, which is fortunate because now he's gone.

Now much has been made of next year's Syracuse team because of the what Donte was supposed to bring to the team. Personally, I think they'll be better now. Sure Donte is a difficult if not impossible matchup and with another offseason to build off of he could have grown stronger and developed a more complete game. The problem would've been the expectations and hype. Donte played like an asshole on a team that wasn't supposed to do much. He loafed and took ill advised shots and played poor defense without a ton of attention. And he admitted that he tried to play special when the lights were on. Well next year's Syracuse team was supposed to be one of the top fifteen teams in the nation. I can't even imagine the type of BS we'd see from him with the lights on all the time. It would be a mess and with no senior leadership, he would've run wild once again. Instead, next year's Syracuse team features a ton of gamers with Flynn and Harris leading the way. They've got a hungry Devendorf and a rested Rautins. They'll return a likely pre-season first team Big East player in Arinze Onuaku and they bring in two athletic top 100 recruits in Mookie Jones and Southerland. Donte's disappearance likely means that Kristof Ongenaet will battle Rick Jackson for the 4 slot and EVERYONE on the team will be battling to prove they should play. In terms of team chemistry, there was no better move for this team than losing Donte Greene.

It's not to say that this makes 'Cuse better. I can't say that it does. Whatever they do to replace Donte on the front line they lose inches and athleticism. It's tough to replace that with heart and desire. But the real reason I'm glad to see Donte go is because I want to forget last year's team. The reason I so badly want to forget them is because there were times when it felt as though they didn't give a shit. And no player exemplified that attitude better (or worse) than Donte Greene. It's an old axiom that anytime something goes badly for a sports team and that team takes on a label (too slow, coach too lax, too old) inevitably the fan base wants an overcompensating quantum shift in direction for that team. I want a team full of Paul Harris's and Jonny Flynns. I want Ongeneat mixing it up and Rick Jackson going a 100mph. I can't wait to see Devendorf going bonkers (strangely, I now miss that) and I want to see the new young guys come in and want to get to the tournament. From the frustration of last year's failures grew contempt for what I feel caused those failures and Donte was at the top of my list. I have no delusions that Syracuse will field a more talented team without Donte on it, but I do think they'll be more watchable. Given what we went through this past year, I'll take that as a start.

Vote Rick Astley For Mets 8th Inning Sing-Along

The Mets want an 8th inning sing-along song. Let's give them something they truly deserve.
VOTE RICK ASTLEY "NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP" HERE

When you open up the interwebs and allow all the world a chance to vote on something, you run the risk of getting something entirely different from what you anticipated. The NHL learned this when the hard way when little known Rory Fitzpatrick was voted into the all-star game before the NHL stepped in and doctored the votes to put a stop to it. And now the world has been given the chance to intervene once again, except this time the stakes are much higher.

The Mets have allowed the fans to vote on their new 8th inning sing-along song (why this is necessary, I have no idea). And while they have offered a few suggestions, including "Build me up buttercup," the theme song from "Friends" and Wilson Pickett's "Land of 1000 Dances," (all really unbelievable possibilities), they've also allowed for a write-in section. Well, the geniuses at Fark have started a last minute effort to carry the day with their write in candidate: Rick Astley, and his hit song "Never gonna give you up." Now I don't get involved in these grassroot movements very often, but nothing would give me more pleasure than knowing that Rick Astley was going to be cranked at deafening volumes during 81 home games in Flushing, Queens. Rick Astley and the Mets just deserve each other.

VOTE RICK ASTLEY "NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP" HERE

Papelbon & Joba Might Want To Take The Ego Down A Notch

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Tennis Player Mikhail Youzhny Goes B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Moises Alou Comes To Bartman's Rescue About 4 Years Too Late

I'm sure somewhere Steve Bartman is thanking his lucky stars that Moises Alou rushed to his defense.
In Wayne Drehs's article "Searching For Bartman", Drehs briefly summarizes some of the more troubling aspects of what Steve Bartman has been dealing with:

"I start by throwing Bartman's name into Google, which is putting a cramp into the business of private investigators everywhere. The results are sickening. "Death to Steve Bartman" message boards. Blogs that encourage Cubs fans to, "not let him do this to us" and to "seek revenge.""

And that's just the stuff that's fit to print. Bartman's address was printed all over the internet and he was harassed consistently to the point where he had to hire a legal team to deal forcefully with harassing contact and was rumored to have a private security force following his every move. And even after learning of all of the crap this guy's been through, many Cubs fans felt absolutely no sympathy for the kid. It didn't help that the video was replayed over and over and over again to permanently burn it into the collective memory of Cubs fandom and allow for the blame to be placed squarely upon someone other than their beloved Cubs. Bartman was the easy scapegoat and that one play pretty much ruined a good portion of his life.

But while the video replay was seemingly the smoking gun in the whole ordeal, Moises Alou played a significant role in fanning the flames with his post-game comments:

After the game, he said: "I timed it perfectly, I jumped perfectly. I'm almost 100 percent that I had a clean shot to catch the ball. All of a sudden, there's a hand on my glove."

He didn't have kind words for Bartman on that night either.

"Hopefully, he won't have to regret it for the rest of his life," he said.

Nice, Moises. That quote was the nail in Steve's coffin. Not only did it look as though Alou could have caught the ball but Moises was convinced he could have caught it. Or was he? When asked about it yesterday, Alou sang a slightly different tune:

"Everywhere I play, even now, people still yell, 'Bartman! Bartman!' I feel really bad for the kid," Alou told Associated Press columnist Jim Litke.

"You know what the funny thing is?" he added a moment later. "I wouldn't have caught it, anyway."

I have no idea where Bartman was when he heard this for the first time but I bet you whatever he was drinking at that moment ended up on the floor. I'm not sure if Alou was under a rock for the last 4 years and didn't realize what Bartman was going through or if he thought the kid had finally suffered enough but if this is really true, what in the fuck was he thinking in keeping this to himself for the last 4 years? I know it likely doesn't absolve Bartman in the eyes of many Cubs fans but cripes, it couldn't hurt! I'm sure Moises thought he was doing the right thing but Bartman can be forgiven if he doesn't give him a call and thank him for clearing it all up.

From The No F'n Shit Department

The above sign may be a little unnecessary, but ESPN's headline today was even more so.
If you've ever visited ESPN.com, you've probably seen the list of headlines about "news" in sports on the right-hand side of the page. Some of the stuff there barely qualifies as "news" but most of the time the headlines sum up the days events pretty well. Well there was one headline today that not only doesn't qualify as news but is about as unilluminating a bit of information as the world has ever been offered.

Mixed into the headlines about baseball, basketball and PacMan Jones was the following headline:

Thomas says Indiana hasn't contacted him about coaching job

Wait, what? You don't say! Indiana hasn't contacted the worst coach in the NBA about their vacant coaching position? The guy with a recent history filled with sexual harassment suits and a team full of players who hate him not to mention one of the worst records in the history of organized sports? Get out of here!

Now why in the hell is this newsworthy? This would be like CNN.com reporting "Anderson Cooper says woman hasn't shared his bed" or "BREAKING NEWS: The French are arrogant." But in order to see if this news was in response to a story or rumor or something, I did a little search on the interwebs to see if I had just missed the story linking him to the job and I couldn't find jack shit. The idea that Indiana University would contact Isiah Thomas to replace a coach who had to resign due to recruiting violations is one of the more insane ideas I have ever heard. The only person I can think of who is possibly a worse idea for that position is Jerry Tarkanian. Yet somehow ESPN decided it was news. I can't wait to check ESPN tomorrow to learn the color of the sky.

Matsui Marries Woman To Win $2000

Is it me or does this sketch look like every alien sketch ever made except this one has a wig on?
So what might you ask is the Yanks' Hideki Matsui doing holding a sketch of an Asian woman in front of reporters? Well, this sketch happens to be Matsui's artistic impression of his new bride. And while this picture alone would be worthy of a post because it is so ridiculous, we then learn that Matsui made a Seinfeldian wager with Jeter and Abreu over who would be the first to be married:

At the beginning of spring training, Matsui heard of Bobby Abreu and Jeter having a bet in which the first one to get married would owe money to the other. Since Abreu has a girlfriend, his time frame was six months. With no steady girl, Jeter was given a year.

Matsui asked into the action and was accepted into the Bachelor Derby by Abreu and Jeter. Now, according to Abreu, he and Jeter are out $1,000 by the shrewd Matsui.

"How do you say sneaky in Japanese?" said a stunned Jeter, who thought reporters were joking when they told him Matsui got married Wednesday. "If he wanted the money all he had to do was ask..."

To answer Jeter's first question (according to Babel Fish), I think it is pronounced "卑劣," idiot.

The wager itself was absurd. Abreu gave himself 6 months to get married? 6 months from the beginning of Spring Training is August, and between now and then there is baseball non-stop. Is he retarded? Not to mention how pysched the bride-to-be must be that they were making these wagers in the first place (not that any chick is going to get pissed at Derek Jeter for being the subject of a wedding wager). But lest you think these guys are throwing all the romance out the window here, you haven't heard the warm and thoughtful words Matsui mustered from the bottom of his heart to describe the love of his life:

"The bride is a 25-year-old civilian and had been formerly working in a reputable position at a highly respected company," Matsui said.

That is panty soaking material.

Hey Great! It's Opening.... ehh

Little Johnny doesn't need to fake an illness this year for Opening Day. He just needs a touch of insomnia.
Baseball Almanac describes Opening Day in the following way

"Regardless of the outcome, Opening Day still remains as the number one date in the hearts, minds (and on the calendars) of baseball fans everywhere. The official countdown begins after the last pitch of the World Series when we can't wait to hear those two magic words again, "Play Ball!"

And far be it from me to suggest that the expansion of the game into foreign markets isn't a good thing (it is, right?), but couldn't they wait for a midseason game between maybe the Mariners and Angels or something? What in the hell are the Red Sox doing in Japan in March and what in the hell is Japan doing hosting Opening Day?

Now I'm no Baseball traditionalist or some old balls who yearns for the days of higher mounds, no DH and Polo Grounds, but there are some things about Baseball that set it apart from the other sports. Opening Day is one of those things. Opening Day is Spring. It's really the only sport that corresponds directly with a season (sure they're called the "Boys of Summer" but Baseball signifies Spring and warmth while football is played in 6 weeks of veritable scorching heat). Opening Day is not just another day on the calendar or another Baseball game, it's a borderline national holiday. And while the real ESPN "Opening Day" is Sunday Night (according to the promo ads I've seen), the game Tuesday morning between the A's and Red Sox is billed as the MLB's "Opening Day" for all intents and purposes; and it's being held in another country (and that country is not even Canada!). It would be like holding the Iditarod in New Zealand (not really) or Pamplona moving the Running of The Bulls to Newark. It's one of the biggest events of the Baseball season and we've just handed it to another continent. It's a little anticlimactic for the sport if not borderline sacrilege. There's very little buzz for the start of the season outside of the Red Sox lunatic fringe (I'll be up at 6am) and that's not good for the game. I guess more than anything I just don't get the need for something like this. I'm all for giving other countries some of the games (you can give Europe ALL the Orioles - Royals games), but Opening Day? For me, some things are truly sacred. And if you think I'm being too sentimental, check out this Opening Day Song (created in 2005) and see if you don't get sentimental too:

"It never fails to amaze me
that cut grass can smell so good
I can't believe that someone pays me
for shagging flies and swinging wood
I close my eyes and smell the leather,
the Copenhagen and Ben Gay
I hear the rookies making chatter
God, I love those old cliches
On Opening Day

I nursed a hamstring down in cactus
I gained a pound and lost a step
But when I take my batting practice
The fans know the deal's kept
The guy in the chicken get-up
He's gonna be worn out by May
But today he doesn't let up
Like me he came to play
On Opening Day
It's Opening Day

The papers say that the odds are long
for us to be a first division team
The polls have us starting off strong
but running out of steam
We don't need no fortune tellers
and we don't need no crystal ball
We've got some big propellers
with arms taking us into Fall
And last season's dugout trances
are someone else's memory
Today's the day for second chances
There's no such thing as history
On Opening Day
It's Opening Day
On Opening Day
It's Opening Day"

The Refs Seem To Like This UCLA Team

A&M's Donald Sloan walked away with lacerated wrists, a bruised elbow and herpes. What he didn't get was two free shots.
Overlooked in a day filled with great games and big upsets was UCLA pulling out a weak win over Texas A&M in the final seconds and the suspect non-call shown above. That really couldn't be a more blatant missed call (but makes a little more sense when you realize that the crew was led by Big East veteran Tim Higgins) and it falls in line with the other gifts UCLA has been handed this year. And while the stakes were pretty high before, from here on out a non-call or bullshit foul (see Stanford game below) will not go unnoticed. If UCLA continues to receive this type of disparate treatment, someone's going to start putting the pieces together. I know UCLA has a big following and all, but this is starting to get ridiculous.