Friday, December 14, 2007

Gay Man Insults Retards

Here's a shocker, Michael Strahan said something stupid.

In the interest of full disclosure, I hate Michael Strahan. He defines what it means to be an asshole. He thinks he's smarter, funnier and better than he actually is (though I will admit that he's likely had a hall of fame career (small caps)). His speaking style and mannerisms reek of utter condescension, as if the rest of us just don't get it. He just really rubs me the wrong way. And while I'm never one to alert the PC police about insensitive remarks, Strahan really went over the line yesterday when asked to give his opinion about the fact that the Giants are forced to play an 8:15pm game in NY in December:
“Whoever booked an 8:15 game in the Northeast is retarded," Michael Strahan said. “I don't know who set the schedule but that is not good, that is not fair. The way I look at it is that we have to be out there, we have to play, so you might as well win, that will make you a little warmer than the losing will."
Retards have had to deal with many issues over the years and have been called many things (including "retards"), but comparing them to the guy who sets up the NFL schedule....? This is low. Remember, this is the same guy who put the Bengals and Niners on TV this Saturday night and forced us to sit through the Falcons and Saints on Monday night. Whoever decided to put that game on national television doesn't deserve to be called retarded. Not even to get into the fact that the final game of the year is going to be the Chiefs v. Jets in the frigid Meadowlands. You'd have to be a special kind of retard to think that that game would be worth watching. Oh wait...

Pssst.... Antonio, The NFL Has A History Of Steroid Use Too

Does this pic qualify as NSFW?

The sports world was rocked by the revelations in the Mitchell Report. Today we heard from athletes from pretty much every sport who weighed in on the subject. And while most were surprised and upset by it, few were as ironic as Antonio Pierce who apparently didn't get the memo about his sport's seemingly endless history with illegal performance enhancing drugs (documented, just to name a few, here, here and here) and almost weekly news that another NFL player is getting suspended for performance enhancers (in the last 2 years, Merriman, Rodney Harrison, Chris Henry (RB - Tenn, not Crackhead - Cincy) and Marcus Stroud are some big names who were suspended just off the top of my head). But Pierce seemed blissfully ignorant of these facts when he noted:
“I think it is a disgrace for the sport, baseball, whatever sport, if you have to use some kind of enhancement or some kind of performance to get ahead," Pierce said. “We all put in the same amount of hours of work throughout the year and for you to go and get something like that, especially if you are a guy with a big name, it makes no sense to me. It is something I would never hope to see in the National Football League and I hope baseball can deal with it and recover from it."
Umm.... seriously? You hope you don't see steroid use or a documented history of any prior usage in the NFL. Unless you can't read or your eyes are closed, you see it and hear about it EVERY FUCKING WEEK YOU IDIOT! In the 1970's and 1980's NFL players used steroids openly and it was accepted if not encouraged. I know it's unfair and unkind to pick on stupid people, and Antonio Pierce is clearly that. But come on, what a fucking idiot.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Join The Ukrainian Army And You Will Steal Prostitutes & Drink Filthy Water!

This video is absolutely unreal. It's apparently an ad for the Ukrainian Army (originally found on and beats the shit out of our lame "Army of one" ads. In the U.S., the military ads feature dudes who climb mountains and fight fire beasts. In the Eastern Europe, their ads say that if you join the military you'll bang average looking hookers who wear a shitload of crappy makeup. No wonder the dollar is sagging against international currency.

Colorado's Invisible Basketball Player

The Buffs of Colorado have had a rough start to the season and No. 0 certainly isn't gonna help out anytime soon.

I got an email from a west coast fanta buddy that featured something pretty funny so I thought I'd share. It seems as though the Colorado Buffalo basketball team is using an invisible guy. Or at least that's what his ESPN player information page would suggest:
#0 Dwight II
Full Name: Dwight II
Birth Place:
Height: 0-0
Weight: 0 lbs.
It's gonna be awfully tough for Dwight II to help the Buffs in any meaningful way at 0-0 and 0 lbs. That's pretty much all I got, so as an additional treat, here's a clip of some asian youngsters playing invisible basketball while drinking a 40. You don't see that everyday....

Germany's MacGyver

I don't have a whole lot to add to this story but this guy takes problem solving to a whole new level:

A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing a liter (two pints) of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new carry-on rules, police said Wednesday.

The incident occurred at the Nuremberg airport on Tuesday, where the 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a holiday in Egypt.

New airport rules prohibit passengers from carrying larger quantities of liquid onto planes, and he was told at a security check he would have to either throw out the bottle of vodka or pay a fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo.
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Instead, he chugged the bottle down — and was quickly unable to stand or otherwise function, police said.

A doctor called to the scene determined he had possibly life-threatening alcohol poisoning, and he was sent to a Nuremberg clinic for treatment.
I guess I can sort of relate because when faced with the same predicament in St. Thomas with a liter of Cruzan Rum, I poured some rum into my 16oz coke bottle and blasted my way through security leaving behind .90ozs of delicious rum behind.

They haven't seen a German this drunk since, well...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Does Anyone Really Want To Hear The Names On This Mitchell Report?

Revealing the names on the Mitchell Report seems to me to be about as valuable as tits on a bull, or the above sign.

Call me nutty, but I could give a fuck about the Mitchell Report. What the F is it going to prove? How will they distinguish between the guys who "ordered Rx HGH" from Florida and the guys who shoved Cow strengthener up their urethras? And what will it matter how they are distinguished given that any name that appears in the report will forever be linked to "The Mitchell Report" and therefore inexorably linked to steroids. For purpose of history, you won't be able to distinguish your steroid juicing freaks like Jason Giambi from your HGH sampling idiots like Paul Byrd. Some might say that these guys deserve to be forever flushed down history's toilet. But what good does it do?

One thing that strikes me about this whole thing is the double standard we have with Football and Baseball. We KNOW guys in the NFL do roids and get caught ALL THE FUCKING TIME! Shawn Merriman and Luis Castillo have both been caught and apologized for using performance enhancers. Rodney Harrison got caught in the preseason and Mike Golic announced on the national airwaves that he tried steroids. Yet for some reason no one gives as much of a shit about any of this than they do about the rumor that some big name pitcher* may have used it. And even when the Mitchell Report comes out and fingers someone of note (double entendre intended), the evidence in the NFL cases will be MUCH stronger than the eyewitness reports or hearsay that gets into the Mitchell bullshit. So why is this going to be a bigger deal?

But here's the thing that really gets me, can you think of a player who might appear on that report who you'd be happy to find out had used drugs? I mean, there are some guys in the MLB who I truly loathe. And I mean I really REALLY hate some of these motherfuckers, and I wouldn't get ANY satisfaction out of seeing those guys on the list. What would it do for me? You've got to be a pretty sick fuck to get some satisfaction out of learning that someone's life is changed for the worse forever. From a fans perspective, I just don't get the draw (though, of course, I will be on the edge of my seat waiting for the release of the names at 2pm tomorrow).

And that brings me to the major issue I have with the whole thing: What is the point? Originally, the point of publicizing steroid users was to deter people from future use and educate kids on the problems associated with performance enhancers. Baseball's old "don't ask don't tell" policy was essentially a tacit affirmation that steroids "weren't really that bad." So something had to be done and I get that. But when the NFL and other sports put together their new testing policies, they didn't dig up old files on Juice freaks of the 80's who we all worshipped and cut them down because they now feel guilty that they turned the other cheek for so many years. It was good enough that progress was made. And that's how I feel about baseball. We've moved past the "steroid era" on dozens of occasions, whether it be the Congressional hearing, the Palmeiro thing, Canseco's book or the new testing policy for steroids and search for an HGH test. The result is what we were looking for, not a fine-toothed combing of what they fucked up in getting us here.

Because here's the thing, when this report comes out tomorrow, it will be incomplete in the same way Canseco's book was incomplete and today's testing policy is incomplete. It will be unsatisfying and will stir up controversy. Some people will be upset and we will talk about it. But if it doesn't get us anywhere closer to getting untestable performance enhancers out of baseball and doesn't gain us anything, then what the fuck is the point? I will tell you this, no matter who is on that list and how outrage Jay Mariotti and Skip Bayless are, those names and that outrage alone will not do shit to help us get any closer to eradicating performance enhancers from the game. And if that wasn't the point of this whole fucking thing, then I ask, once again, what the fuck was?

*As I said in an earlier post, I'm not going to throw out names in these posts unless they have been publicly linked. There's no reason for me to add to the thousands of links available when someone types in "Baseball Player and Steroids" into google.

Do We Already Know All The Names On The Mitchell Report?

18 months and a gazillion dollars later, the Mitchell Report might not look a whole lot different than Wikipedia's list.

The Mitchell Report will apparently include somewhere between 50 and 60 names of MLB players who did drugs in the last decade. And while that's terrific and all, don't we already know those names? Wikipedia has compiled a list of players linked to steroids/HGH and those who have been suspended. So far 37 players with MLB experience have been suspended and at least 23 have been fairly linked to performance enhancing drugs with varying degrees of evidence. That adds up to 60 players. So my questions remains: If this is all we're getting, who gives a shit?

Wikipedia's list*
Players linked to steroids/HGH via published reports:
1. Jose Canseco
2. Mark McGwire
3. Sammy Sosa
4. Ken Caminiti
5. Gary Sheffield
6. Barry Bonds
7. Jason Giambi
8. Wally Joyner
9. Gary Matthews, Jr.
10. Darren Holmes
11. John Rocker
12. David Bell
13. David Segui
14. Fernando Tatis
15. Jerry Hairston, Jr.
16. Rick Ankiel
17. Troy Glaus
18. Jay Gibbons
19. Scott Schoeneweis
20. Paul Byrd
21. Jose Guillen
22. Matt Williams
23. Ismael Valdez

Major League players suspended
24. Alex Sánchez
25. Jorge Piedra
26. Agustín Montero
27. Jamal Strong
28. Juan Rincón
29. Rafael Betancourt
30. Rafael Palmeiro
31. Ryan Franklin
32. Mike Morse
33. Carlos Almanzar
34. Félix Heredia
35. Matt Lawton
36. Yusaku Iriki
37. Jason Grimsley
38. Guillermo Mota
39. Juan Salas
40. Neifi Perez (Twice!)
41. Mike Cameron

Players with MLB experience suspended
42. Damian Moss
43. Robert Machado
44. Clay Hensley
45. Brian Mallette
46. Jon Nunnally
47. Tom Evans
48. Grant Roberts
49. Darnell McDonald
50. Steven Smyth
51. Christian Parker
52. Luis Ugueto
53. Wilson Delgado
54. Ramón A. Castro
55. Matt Whiteside
56. Wilson Delgado
57. Luis Ugueto
58. Nerio Rodríguez
59. Abraham Núñez
60. Yamid Haad

*Wikipedia's list is actually more complete than this, but I felt it irresponsible to include some large names who have been mentioned in the past but the only evidence available to date has been conjecture. If you'd like to view the entire list for yourself, feel free.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Knicks' Only Hope

If the only way Isiah is leaving the Knicks is in a Cedar box, Sniper Cat may be their only hope.

I mean, what the fuck else can happen to the Knicks this year? It is absolutely incredible that this team is still heading on the same course it is. There are not words to accurately describe the level of disgrace that the team and organization have sunk. But if you thought Isiah was going down with the ship, you may have misread his contract. Apparently Isiah inserted a "50 Cent"* clause into his contract that we didn't know about:
"I fight till I die. It's not about giving up or quitting. To me, it's win or die. I literally mean death, I don't mean 'walk away.' I mean death. That's how I have coached. We've got a job to do here and we're going to get it done. I'm confident we have the right players and confident we have the right people, and we'll dig our way out of this."
Ho-Lee Fuck, Zeke! Will you take a step back and settle it down for a minute? I mean seriously. First of all, if you lived by the creed "win or die," you'd be long ago dead. But more importantly, why did you need to go there? I think we get it that you aren't walking away and need to get fired. Was it really necessary to suggest that unless Dolan kills you you aren't going anywhere? This doesn't prove that you are more loyal to the cause than anyone (which I am assuming was your hope), it just proves you are an idiot. Which is like someone coming out today with further proof that water is wet.

The future of the Knicks is in your hands, Sniper Cat.

My Guys v. More Titles: After Winning Again, I Prefer The Former

Sure it'd be nice to get Santana but when do I get to root for "my guys?"

Word is that the Santana for Ellsbury/Lowrie/Masterson/??? trade is coming to a head and may actually get itself done. And while the idea of watching Beckett and Santana pitch on back-to-back days is an exciting proposition, so was the prospect of watching Jacoby Ellsbury manning centerfield for the next decade. The difference with Ellsbury was that he had the potential to be "our guy" and now it looks like we'll be rooting for someone else's guy. In the game that has become Major League Baseball, that's kinda par for the course, I guess. But that doesn't mean I can't want it to turn out differently.

Someone is going to trade for Johan Santana. That much is certain. The Twins can't afford him, they likely aren't going to win (especially now with Detroit so loaded) and the longer they wait the less the chance that the teams the Twins need to be involved (the Sox, Yanks, Angels, Mets & Dodgers) will need to grab him. I also understand that the trade with the Sox, as it is outlined in the media, is a virtual no brainer from the Sox perspective. They get the best pitcher since Pedro in the prime of his career and don't have to give up a single member of their rotation, bullpen, or starting lineup from last year's team. It will make the team better without depleting the farm system too greatly as the Sox have an abundance of pitching talent in the minors and both Jacoby and Lowrie are relatively replaceable guys (in the sense that neither is projected as a corner power guy). I also get that one of the reasons you develop a strong farm system is to poach players from teams who cannot afford them. And lastly, I'm well aware that even if Jacoby Ellsbury exceeds expectations and becomes a Carl Crawford-like talent as opposed to the .300, 10Hrs and 40Sbs guy he projects to be, his career will pale in comparison to that of Santana's. But with all that being said, I'd still rather have Jacoby.

I'd never have said any of this 4 years ago. Are you shitting me? I'd have traded Buchholz, Jacoby, Hazel Mae and my scrotum for Santana. You could throw in anyone else and I would've ok'd it. But now after winning 2 World Series, the game is completely different. My fanhood has changed entirely. In 2004, people, though are loathe to admit it today, were rooting for the Red Sox to pull it off. I received congratulations from people are hardly knew who were genuinely excited for me that the Sox won. Now, Sox fans are hated. And while other people's opinions of me don't necessarily affect how I feel about my team, the difference does represent a change in the entire image of what it meant to be a Sox fan then and now. Today, we are supposed to win. We are supposed to be players for the highest priced players and our GM is supposed to make the best deal for the team regardless of how "loyal" we feel towards the players it takes to make those deals. For me, it was fine when we needed to win to end the bullshit of the 1918 chants and force the retards who bought the "Got Rings?" t-shirts to throw them in the toilet because the Sox number keeps going up. But now, with the team and organization legitimized to a degree and those chants gone and those shirts rendered irrelevant, can't the Sox just hold back on this one and try winning it again with our guys?

You see now, after all the bullshit and the two World Series, I find myself rooting for different things. Yeah I cheer when Julio Lugo gets a big hit or grabs his crotch for the 50th time, but I'll never love watching him play. I loved the stories of Pedroia, Lester, Buchholz and later Jacoby. When I turn the TV on to watch the Sox play, those are the guys I'm most excited about seeing (Note: there is some hypocrisy here considering my favorite all-time Red Sox player in Manny, and he was not really "my guy" in the same sense that I'm pulling for the Sox to stick with "my guy" Jacoby because he was drafted by the team. But we can just forget all that for the timebeing...). I like watching them get better and watching them go f'n nuts whenever anything good happens. Those players haven't been tainted by the monotony yet. They aren't cynical. Their eyes are still wide when the cameras come on. They sneak a peak into the stands at big moments (and when famous people are in the stands) and take a deep breath and need extra time to collect themselves when things are clearly overwhelming. When you see a guy in that situation you want him to succeed not just because it will benefit your team but because you want HIM to succeed. I'm not saying it doesn't matter as much to guys like Julian Tavarez or Kyle Farnsworth, but as a fan it's much more gratifying when you are convinced the guy on the mound or at the plate would be up there if he were being paid $50. Maybe I'm naive, but the young guys are I root for on the Sox at least give the impression that they would.

Listen, I'm not saying I'm not going to brag about having Santana or not enjoy the 2008 season (and seasons thereafter) because this Sox team has the potential to be the best team they have ever fielded. Hell, I'll likely be even more insufferable than I normally am about the Sox. But if they do get rid of Jacoby it will be a huge buzzkill for me that clouds the entire season. I'm fine with making this Sox team the best it can be, I just think the team could be pretty damn good with "my guys" on it. And if the decision comes down to fielding the favorite to win the World Series with "my guys" or fielding the overwhelming favorite for the World Series without them, well, I guess I've made it clear how I feel.