Sweet. My Alma Mater Is Now Populated By Weirdos

I think Deadspin beat me to the punch with this but I'm running with it anyway. The crack down on drinking at my alma mater (Bucknell University) is having some bizarre and unsettling unintended consequences. When I went to Bucknell, we used to drink in our spare time (yes, we were awesome, brah). The only thing creative we ever did was create a turtleneck and sportcoat themed party (I still contend that we were the first people ever to come up with this concept). But after I graduated, word came that Bucknell was going to buy up off-campus property and essentially end off-campus living and heavily regulate (read: eliminate) alcohol usage on campus. Basically, the good times were over and people were going to have to find things to do that didn't involve alcohol. Which in central PA is quite a challenge. Well, here's something that may make them want to reconsider that drinking policy. A couple of Bucknell boners have decided to put away their Magic cards and create a club wherein the members pretend to play a fictional game from the Harry Potter series:

Stephen Dewey knows he lacks the magic to play Quidditch quite like they do in the Harry Potter novels but he does all he can to create an authentic experience for fans of the teenage wizard.

Dewey, a student at Bucknell University in Lewisburg, Pennsylvania, organizes the campus Quidditch club of about 40 Potter devotees imitating the aerial game of the book series.

"I wanted to emulate the magical nature you find in Harry Potter books," said Dewey, 20, a student of music and education. But he admits he has to make concessions to reality. "A lot of that you can't really replicate exactly because we are not witches and wizards."

Dewey described the sport as "mildly full-contact" and said it requires some athletic ability, particularly for seekers, who are typically cross-country runners. It appeals equally to men and women, he said.

Players have worn outlandish garb including swimming goggles and capes made out of shower curtains and bed sheets.

Dewey said he's received "some puzzled looks" when recruiting but that even the skeptics want to know more. He suspects they are secretly Harry Potter fans.

Wow. Just wow. If dorks were graded on a scale of 1 to dork, Dewey would break the scale. I have so many questions that I cannot possibly list them but one would be how in the world he was able to find 40 other fucking retreads to join him in this. What has happened to fair BU? This is disgusting. But I do have to admit that there is one part of this story that makes me smile. In describing the appeal of the game, Dewey says

"Running around on brooms does appeal to a surprising number of college students."

True, but probably not as much as the appeal of clotheslining those same college students while they are running around like assholes with brooms between their legs. Maybe I will get back to BU for homecoming this year. It's been awhile since I punched a kid in a wizard outfit.

Suspend Mike Vick? Yup.

Life for Goodell was easy when he was putting away the "cartoonishly bad" guys (see above mustache twister) like Pacman, Tank & Henry. Things got complicated when the face of his sport turned out to be as big a scumbag.
I don't envy Goodell with this Vick situation. On the one hand he has his beloved precedent with his new conduct policy. Bad guys who continue to do bad stuff get suspended. And he was lauded for this hard-handed policy. On the other hand you've got a guy in Michael Vick who while having been associated with some "issues" that reflect poorly of his overall character (giving herpes to someone and being tested under the alias "Ron Mexico," carrying weed through an airport, flipping off fans, etc.), he hasn't been that bad a guy when compared to Jones and Henry. So when Vick is associated with a disgusting act of brutally abusing animals for money, what does he do? It's technically his first "offense." Do you take into account his previous transgressions? He was never formally charged in response to any of the previous situations he was involved in. So you're kinda throwing out the "totality of 'bad stuff' history" argument that in some ways justified (and immunized from criticism) the heavy handedness of the Jones and Henry suspensions. This is Vick's crime and only in isolation can it be judged. It is because of this that if you suspend Vick (and now they say they aren't), you have to suspend him as if he has been convicted of the crimes he's charged. You either don't do shit and let it play out and let the NFL get dragged through the mud or you go all the way take a very tough stand. But the thing is that in this situation you have enough information to do just that. No matter what happens with the "Michael Vick Legal Case," Goodell has all the information he needs to suspend him today.

What bothers me about this situation is that those people that defend Vick cite the Duke rape case. They say that you can't jump to conclusions because those kids got indicted and none of the evidence stood up. The people on the other side of the argument ("Vick haters" or "hate-uhz") distinguish this case from the Duke case SOLELY by concluding that because the US Gov't is involved, Vick's indictment carries more weight. They go into this whole spiel about how the Duke prosecutor had extra-legal motivation for railroading those kids and the US Gov't has a 95% conviction rate, so common sense says that this case is different. While that is evidence that would lead me to believe that Michael Vick may be more screwed than the kids at Duke were, I don't need that information to know that Vick's case is WAY different than the Duke kids'. In the Duke case, the only undisputed factual evidence was that there were strippers, there was drinking and we knew that one woman went to the hospital. The rest was "he said - she said." With Vick, we know for a FACT that on a property owned by Vick, more than a couple maimed dog carcasses were dug up. That is not a crime but it certainly would lead you to believe that something was amiss, either that or Vick's yard is to Dogs what the Bermuda Triangle is to commercial ships. They also found blood all over the place, a fighting pit, training manuals and videos and they determined through doggy autopsies (not even taking into account the testimony of this mystery witness) that the manner in which the dogs died shows that they were exposed to a level of violence that would make Tarantino blush. Again, none of that information suggests that Vick was even there or knew about it, which is necessary to convict him of the conspiracy portion of the crime. But, as many have pointed out, this is not a court of criminal law. We are talking about the NFL and its image. Michael Vick's property was used by his friends (and likely himself) in some degree as a training ground or stage in promotion of some of the most low grade and base entertainment imaginable. Scum of the earth type shit. That information is factual. Mike Vick's excuses about what he knew or when he knew it doesn't excuse what happened on his property. Whether Vick was present and knew of all of this or knew about the manner in which these dogs were executed or even participated in the executions will determine his fate in the court of law (and public opinion), but it need not be proven in order to hold him accountable for what happened or the perception of the NFL because of what happened. And he should be held accountable. Because regardless of what comes out in the trial and whether or not he is found guilty of any of the charges, at the end of the day Mike Vick was still somehow involved in the senseless killing of a ton of animals and is a sick fuck. It's a tough precedent to set, I know. But since the NFL is into taking setting tough precedents, eliminating another sick fuck from the league is a precedent that I think few will shed a tear about.

The Chinese Are Angry At Yao. And Predictably They Have A Funny Way Of Expressing That Anger

It is true that weak people do not handle icy roads very well.
Leave it to the Chinese to find fault in all the time Yao is wasting with the Special Olympics and planning his wedding. And leave it to them to come up with the strangest manner in which to express that anger:

"No matter how lofty public welfare activities are, they can't be allowed to take first place in a player's life,'' the China Sports Daily, a federation-owned newspaper, said in an article appearing Tuesday.

That first sentence is funny because of the use of the word "lofty" and the insinuation that playing basketball for China is more important than helping any "public welfare" cause. Yes, practicing with the shitty Chinese national team is far more important that drumming up money to help those in need. But the real gem is in the final sentence:

"No matter how sweet personal life is, it can't be compared to the exultation of capturing glory for one's nation,'' the article said.

Yes, personal life is pretty sweet. But when compared with the "exultation of capturing glory" for China, it really pales in comparison. Why do I feel like the translators that come up with this crap are like Omar Epps in "The Program." They're just leafing through a Thesaurus trying to come up with the most intelligent sounding phrase when in fact they aren't impressing anyone. Here's a phrase they should get used to:

While your zeal for triumph is pulchritudinous, your sportsman are of the most feeble and unbeautiful in this terrene.

Gary Player Knows A Golfer Who Has Used Steroids. So Who Is It?

Fiery, combustible and South African, is Gary Player saying that Rory Sabbatini uses steroids?*
Gary Player today said that he knows of at least one golfer who has used steroids and said it had a HUGE effect but is sworn to secrecy about it:

"One guy told me -- and I took an oath prior to him telling me -- but he told me what he did and I could see this massive change in him," Player said. "And somebody else told me something I also promised I wouldn't tell, that verified others had done it."

Which leads us to wonder which player he is talking about. Well, Player is South African so he's got ties there but he stopped playing on the PGA regular tour in 1985 and now plays the Champions Tour while only making spotty appearances in majors. So who has Gary been around who would feel comfortable enough to confide in him about this matter. If we're starting in South Africa--Gary's native land--then we'll have to include, Els, Goosen, Sabbatini, Tim Clark and Fulton Allem as well as a handful of others. Els is an interesting candidate because he broke down physically after dominating for awhile and that is often how we in American pick out steroid abusers but he didn't really seem to change all that much physically from pre-stardom to stardom. Sabbatini is also a VERY intriguing guess as he is just crazy enough to do it and his star has risen in recent years after some disappointing times in his early going. His problem is that he's not all that big and I don't think his play in terms of strength stats like driving distance have changed all that much. Player has also been the Captain of the International Team for the President's Cup for the past 3 events. So that opens up a whole slew of players.

It may not be fair (or responsible) to start guessing haphazardly about who it was that Gary Player was referring to. But Gary should know better than to open this door. It's only natural to want to know who it is he is talking about and there is no doubt that names will be tossed around and reputations sullied. Let the sullying begin.

*Picture is actually of Rory Sabbatini's wife and not Rory himself, in case there was any confusion about that.

More Fun With Search Terms

So after getting some positive feedback about the Google Analytics Keyword listing post (the one about Grady Sizemore's cock), I've decided to periodically list some of my favorite keywords / phrases that direct people to my site. Some of them are unbelievable, and some of them are unbelievably repetitive. Here are a few more:

alligator comedy skit (I have no idea why my site comes up or what this refers to)

where does tyler perry hang out (what does this person expect to find with that query? An article entitled: "Top Ten Hang Out Spots For Tyler Perry." If you want to stalk Tyler Perry, you have to be more creative, idiot.)

"scott baio" balls (This is funny because someone is searching for information about Scott Baio's balls, but what's funnier is that I think I have what they are looking for on my site. Or maybe that's less funny than it is sad or scary, but we'll leave that alone.)

But my two favorite over the last couple days have to be this one:

no bull crap shit (This one is kinda scary because it comes from Langley, VA. My guess is that it's not from "Langley" as I'm sure they aren't using Google to track down the "no bull crap shitters" of the world, but the search itself is unbelievable. What result could that person possibly have been hoping for?)

And, once again, my personal favorite:

grady sizemore cock

What's amazing about this is not the fact that this is now the second time since I've been paying attention to it that this search term has come up, but in the past week TWO PEOPLE HAVE USED IT AND FOUND MY SITE! One person from Troy, NY and another from Phoenix. Now I'm guessing that they are doing it just to be funny, but if that's not the case and there is a run on people using that search phrase, I'm very concerned for the wellbeing of our nation. I mean, as many people have reached my site after typing in "grady sizemore cock" into google as have after typing in "tuna salad vs. chicken salad". That's troubling.

But To Answer Your Question, Jerry....

This is the original Sports Guy.

"Who the heck is Bill Simmons?"

Red Sox broadcaster Jerry Remy (seen on the right with the sweet fro and pack of Marby Reds) did not appreciate The Sports Guy's unique brand of cutting and sarcastic "humor."
Red Sox broadcaster Jerry Remy rarely takes himself or any shots directed at him very seriously. But last night, when presented with Bill Simmons' sarcastic and "humorous" application for President of "Red Sox Nation"*, Remy took Simmons to task, and rightfully so.

As a little background, the deeply annoying group moniker for the fans that cheer for the Red Sox ("Red Sox Nation") has been usurped by the Sox organization and put to use as a money-maker. Today you can pay to become a "Red Sox Nation" member, receive a membership card and get special deals on Sox tickets, paraphernalia and other such nonsense. It's ridiculous, embarassing and a little bit insulting to be forced to associate with such an absurd marketing ploy, but I digress. What's important for the purposes of this post is that Remy was appointed "President" of "Red Sox Nation" by Boston Red Sox President/CEO Larry Lucchino. He's been giving tickets away, creating fan opportunities and generally promoting the Sox crap as much as he can. In an effort to further prove that Red Sox fans are insane, the Sox recently announced that there will be some kind of election for the next President of Red Sox Nation and the general population can submit applications as well as nominations for famous Red Sox fans to serve as the next president and Red Sox Nation will ultimately vote on those folks and decide. So that's the background and I apologize for its length.

Well, last night during the broadcast of the game, Remy had in his hand the application of one Bill Simmons. Simmons wrote a piece about why he should be elected President of Red Sox Nation (the text of which I can nowhere find) and Remy read it on air and pretty much called Simmons a dickhead*:

Jerry Remy: We’ve got all kinds of people coming out of the woodwork who want to be permanent president (of Red Sox Nation)… some of this stuff is unbelievable… these people have been writing in, we’ve had these candidates, and they’re writing in why they should be president… there’s one that really kind of irked me a little bit. Who the heck is Bill Simmons? The sports guy he calls himself. I briefly went through his ‘why he should be president’ thing… he’s always wanted to be a president… that’s No. 1, of something. He said ‘I’ve always wanted to be the president of something.

Remy: Right away he’s telling you he just wants to be a president of something, he doesn’t care what it is, anything. So be president of your trash can. OK?

And it gets worse. Second, ‘I think I can get free tickets out of this.’

At this point in the broadcast it's important to know that Remy is ripping up Simmons application on camera and Coco Crisp is at the plate...

Remy: And here’s the one that that bugs me. I’m not going to mention what he says about me, but he says … in other words, if he’s elected, you would never have to worry about his health. He would be able to serve out his tenure. In other words, he’s saying that physically …

Orsillo: You’re day-to-day and could die anytime?

Remy: ...That really ticked me off when I read that. He’s got a lot of foolish stuff on here that just makes no sense, so Bill Simmons, the sports guy, see this:

Remy: Buh-bye … what did Coco do?

Orsillo: He struck out.

So now Remy has seemed to calm down and Orsillo is trying not to crack up about the whole thing but all of the sudden Remy gets riled up about it again and won't let it go.

Remy: Okay. That’s enough for one night but I’m telling you, some of this stuff is unbelievable. This Simmons goes right to the trash. The sports guy he calls himself. He wants free tickets. And he’s ripping my health...

Orsillo: Yes. Obviously he has not seen you, because you’re in fantastic shape...

Remy: I don’t see him at the gym every morning. Plus I wouldn’t know him anyway if I saw him. So Simmons, your application has just been torn up and thrown in our official trash can here in the booth....

Remy: You know this in tongue in cheek, but this is for real. Don’t be writing in and saying you want to be president because I always wanted to be president of something. You want to be president of one of the greatest nations in the world, Red Sox Nation, you have to represent the people. He’s talking about getting free tickets... He’s ripping my health. I mean, c’mon. The sports guy. There’s a lot of sports guys out there, right?

I'd really like to get my hands on the application itself and can't seem to find it anywhere. I'd imagine that Simmons will speak to this as I'm sure he received about a million emails about it from Sully and Fitz. I'm not sure he'll get an email from Remdawg though:

Your campaign is officially over. Now he’ll rip… what does he write for again?

Yup, these aren't my readers.


*Full text of the conversation can be found at Boston Dirt Dogs and thanks to them for transcribing it. Something I was too lazy to do last night.

WiMP's (Wily Mo Pena) K Numbers Are Other Worldly

WiMP, you seem like a nice guy and all, but man you have trouble hitting the ball.
It's no secret that Wily Mo Pena is a prodigious strike out artist. One of the game's true geniuses of the K craft. But while that's common knowledge, a look at his work this year reveals that he is even outdoing himself. In 134 plate appearances, he has 52 K's. One out of every 2.5 at-bats (approx), WiMP K's. In the 31 games this year where he's had 2 or more at-bats, he's had a strikeout in 27 of them. He's tied with Derek Jeter in strikeouts and Jeter has over 400 plate appearances. If he played on a regular basis and received an conservative 650 PA's, he'd have about 250 K's. Adam Dunn set his record (a record that may not last a single year as he is currently on pace to break it) of 194 K's in 673 PA's. The only player even in the same stratosphere as WiMP is Jack Cust and he's at about a 1 out of every 3 PA K rate. It may be painful to watch WiMP play the game, but if you do get a chance to watch him, watch knowing that you are watching one of the single greatest strikeout artists the game has ever seen.

Hey Daunte, You Like Quotes? I Got A Quote For You....

Oh Daunte Culpepper, will you ever win? You were released today and like athletes before you, you had a quote prepared to describe how unfair this process has been and how you'll cope. Though to your credit you uniquely chose not to quote the Bible:

"As I was going through this process I heard about a quote by Gandhi that best expresses my thoughts about this victory: 'First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win,"' Culpepper, who serves as his own agent, said in an e-mail.

That's nice. Your plight does remind me a lot of Ghandi's. You know with the whole fighting for equality, truth and indepedence through non-violence and... right, you have nothing in common with Ghandi. But while we're tossing quotes around that somehow tangentially relate to your situation, let me offer one that may help you understand how you got into this situation in the first place. It's got a little to do with your representation (i.e. "you"):

A man who represents himself has a fool for a client.

Just chew on that one for awhile buddy. Maybe you want to stop reading about the Mahatma and start reading the want ads. Lord knows you've got some time on your hands.

Please Stop Boring Us With Your Tour De France Coverage

In case you were wondering what the Polish cycling squad looks like without pants on, well, here you go.
I've got some news for the old people who control what type of content is covered here in the good ol' U.S. of A., we're never gonna like Arena League Football, we don't like soccer despite the fact that we all grew up playing it, no one watches the WNBA and we could give two fucking SHITS about the Tour De France. So stop covering it. Spend more time on pre-season NFL or college football. Gimme some friggin coverage of the minor league guys who are gonna make a difference in the second half of the MLB season or preview the British Open like you do the Masters. I'll watch all of that shit because I know the players, I know the stories and it's relevant to stuff I already watch and follow. Admittedly, there is not a ton of coverage but it does get mentioned on every SportsCenter and there's always a link to the coverage on ESPN.com. But know this, I didn't give a shit about the Tour De France when Greg LeMond was winning it or Lance Armstrong was winning it. I only cared because of how angry the international Cycling community became about the whole thing. It's always fun to cheer for someone when irrational Europeans "sophisticates" don't like them (that's why I'm rooting for Zinedine Zidane to make a come back. He headbutted some faggy Italian guy who then flopped as if Chuck Norris had just given him a friggin a flying elbow to the sternum and it started an international incident. How can we as Americans not like that guy?). And it only got worse when it turned out that every cyclist in the history of the world is blood doping in order to get a performance edge (which, ironically, if everyone is doing it, doesn't really give anyone an edge, idiots). So a sport I didn't give a shit about in the first place became illegitimate because of a drug / doping scandal making the whole thing even more unwatchable and the coverage more infuriating. That's not really a winning combination. And don't give me this bullshit that it's a big international deal and because of that it requires our attention so that we can become more cultured. More people watch big Cricket matches internationally and you don't see or hear boo about it. That's because we in America don't care. If you want to bring the Tour de France to our attention, do it the same way you bring all the other peripheral sports and sport stories to our attention: send Chris Connelly over to France and have him find some disabled or terminally ill family member of a cyclist and then pull on our heart strings. At least when I hear his voice I'll realize that I have to turn the channel and won't be forced to waste a second of my life on a sport no one gives a shit about.

Phil Garner Is Developing The Story Line For A "Weekend At Bernie's 3"

Phil Garner's mustache, voodoo, a dead franchise coming back to life... somewhere Jonathan Silverman's ears are burning.
The Astro's are desperate for some positive momentum as this season slides completely out of control and Phil Garner has just the recipe for success: Voodoo:

Garner is determined to put a hex on the Cubs ace before the Astros have to face him again. How is he going to do this? Voodoo, of course.

"I am not embarrassed at all to elicit the help of a voodoo lady," Garner said.

Garner made it clear his intent is not to injure Zambrano. He just wants to get in his head a little, with hopes of rattling the right-hander so that he can't hurt the Astros as much as he has in his previous outings.

"The objective is to so psych him out that he can't pitch good against us," Garner said. "I don't want him to be injured. I want him to be psyched out so he can't throw the ball over the plate and he can't get base hits off of us."

So let me get this straight, in order to revive his dying team Phil Garner (and his mustache) wants to use Voodoo against a rival team's toughest opposing pitcher. All we need are a couple of Hawaiian shirts, some cheesy caribbean music, a couple of B actors and we've got ourselves the third installment of the Weekend At Bernie's franchise.

This Pistorius Story Ain't Goin Away...

You didn't hear the bad guys complaining to the papers about Robocop having an unfair advantage, did you?
This Pistorius story gets weirder and weirder. Earlier today I posted a short ditty about Oscar Pistorius and his attempts to qualify for the Olympics. I didn't really want to get into the meat of the controversy because it is a little heavy and both sides have legitimate concerns and instead wanted to focus on the fact that the guy is frickin ridiculous because to me that made for lighter and more entertaining material for a 2 minute blog read. But when the IAAF came out >today and said that preliminary results of a study they've done (The International Association of Athletic Federations has been reviewing footage from two high-definition cameras that filmed Pistorius in Rome to determine if his prosthetic racing legs give him an unfair advantage, because that should be conclusive) showed that Pistorius's prosthetic "legs" offer less air resistance than a normal runner and that that's one of the reasons it is unfair for him to compete with "able-bodied" runners, I felt compelled to at least say something about it:

"The guy Oscar beat on Friday -- the stride length was the same, but the speed through the air was slower for the able-bodied guy," IAAF spokesman Nick Davies said. "This research makes us want to do more."

No shit you need to do more research than watch a fucking tape of one race to conclude that there is less wind resistance for Pistorius than the other runners. While you're at it why don't you also see what the relative effect of NOT HAVING FUCKING LEGS TO RUN ON has on a normal person. Shouldn't we be celebrating this guy's achievements as opposed to trying to knock him down. The guy is a fucking maninal.

All that being said, I empathize with the greater concern that as technology advances there will have to be some tough decisions made about what kind of technology will be allowed for competition (the IAAF's position is "We need to separate emotion from the science," Davies said. "We all wish him well. The point here is what's going to happen in 10 years? What happens if it continues to evolve?"). I mean, if they ever develop a technology to allow people to surgically implant a Cheetah torso and legs onto their lower half and that person can now run 75mph, that may be where we have to draw the line. But today, Oscar Pistorius is balancing himself on metal stems and somehow able to run at world class speed. He is a phenomal athlete. Yes we must be cautious of developments that provide an unfair playing field for prosthetically "enhanced" (that's really not the right word but it could be in the future) individuals as technology provides better options for disabled people, but we do not need to pre-emptively condemn those who we fear are unfairly benefitting from prosthetics before we know the whole truth about what benefit they are actually receiving. I think after dealing with a lifetime of disability, Oscar Pistorius knows a little about "fairness." He doesn't want an advantage over anyone. My guess is that all he wants is a chance to even the score.

Who Cares If This Amputee Is Angry; He Is Fast As Hell

Yes this photo is creepy, but you have to admit it's also pretty cool.
When I read the headline about the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF) disqualifying a double amputee (Oscar Pistorius) in an Olympic qualifying race with "able-bodied" racers because he ran outside of the lines, my initial reaction was one of sympathy for the guy. I mean, it just seems heartless to disqualify a guy who had finished last in a race and has no legs. I just didn't see what the point was. Well from the there the story took an unfortunate turn when Oscar called out the IAAF, insinuating that they are discriminating against his kind:

"They haven't been in contact with me ... they should be working with me. They don't seem to have any respect for Paralympic sport," Pistorius was quoted as saying by the BBC after competing in Sheffield.

The IAAF came back with some shots of its own and it turned into kind of a pissing contest. The whole thing just seemed unfortunate and unnecessary if the guy wasn't competitive anyway. Leave him alone for cripe's sake. But then I read an article about him today and in that race that he lost he ran a 47.65 400 meters. That is fucking fast. And then I started looking into it further and the guy can really move. He consistently runs in the low 47's for 400 meters and is competitive against some of the world's fastest men. In the below video he runs a friggin 46.90 400 and finishes second! I could do without all the bitching between he and the IAAF, but I could stand to watch him compete against people with actual calf muscles on a more consistent basis. This guy is unreal:

What The Hell Is Wrong With Gary Coleman?

You think a picture of Gary Coleman hanging with a scantilly-clad Mark Messier is weird? That's nothing compared to the below video.
Other than the fact that Coleman is pictured with Mark Messier above, this doesn't have a whole lot to do with sports but it was so unsettling I felt the need to address it. While watching the Sox game today a commercial came on from a loan sharking outfit called "Cash Call" and it featured Gary Coleman losing his f'n mind. Check it out:

What may even be more amazing than the bizarre performance of Coleman are the terms of Cash Call's service. For a $2600 loan, your payment plan consists of 42 payments of $216.55. That comes to a grand total of $9095.10. The Mob gives you better terms than that. My guess is that a cracked out GC called up Cash Call and couldn't afford the payments so now he has to hawk their service in lieu of payment. Gary's fallen on some tough times. Maybe he can blackmail Messier with this photo. I'm pretty sure you can Messier's balls in it.