Monday, January 14, 2008
After weeks of preparation and a couple of close calls, Hansen finally gained Clemens' trust and by pretending to be Andy Pettitte was able to convince Roger to come over to a "gym" to work out over an IM conversation. The following is a transcript of what transpired.
[Enter Clemens] Roger: Hello...? Andy? Where you at, bud?Chris Hansen, America is once again in your debt, good sir.
[Voice of 25 year-old woman pretending to be a 15 year-old boy coming from another room] "Boy": Uh, come on in. My parents aren't here... I just want to put something more comfortable on...
Roger: What? Who the hell...? Andy! What's going on?
[Enter Chris Hansen]
Roger: What the.... Holy fuuuck... This isn't what it looks like. I'm not here for no teenage sex or nothin like that.
Hansen: I know. That's not what we're here for. Why don't you...
Roger (agitated): Then what the hell was the point of the kid being here? What did he have to do with anything?
Hansen: Why don't you sit down.
Roger: I'm not doing anything until someone tells me what's going on.
Hansen: Have a seat.
Roger: I'm outta here. This is... this is not right. Andy? Andy this better be some kinda joke!
Hansen: Andy's not here. It's just us. Why don't you sit down.
Roger: No... I'm...
Hansen: Take a seat, sir.
Roger: Ok, ok, ok... turn the cameras... TURN THE DAMN CAMERAS OFF!
Hansen: We're not going to do that. What are you doing here?
Roger (visibly shaken): I'm here to work out. I just... I just wanted to lift some weights and work out with Andy...
Hansen: That's all?
Roger: Well, yeah! What'd you think I was doing?
Hansen: Ok, well what's in your bag?
Roger: It's nothing... just work out stuff. I wasn't even gonna use it... I was just takin it home with me... after... we...
Hansen: Can I see what's in your bag?
Roger: Why? It's nothing...
Hansen: Let me see it.
[Roger puts his head down and kicks the bag over to Hansen]
[Hansen pulls out and puts on the table a dozen syringes, 3 vials of unmarked liquid, a 3 pack of novelty condoms and family pak of Big League Chew.]
Hansen: What is all this for?
Roger: I... (sigh) I don't know... it's nothing...
Hansen: What are you doing here, sir? What do you do for a living?
Roger: You know damn well what I do! I'm a major league pitcher! Or at least I was a...
Hansen: Well what, may I ask, is a "major league pitcher" doing in another man's house with syringes, novelty condoms and Big League Chew?
Hansen: Care to answer that?
Roger (whispering): I... gollee.... I cannot believe this is happening... I need to go home... I need to get out of here...
Hansen: Well wait a minute, I just want to hear your answer. What are you doing here? We've got the instant message conversation, we've got the bag of syringes.... care to tell us what you planned on doing here?
Roger: I just... we were just gonna... work out. It's not what... I gotta leave. I'm leaving...
[Roger stands up and looks for the door]
Hansen: Why don't you sit down? Have a seat. Sit down. Why don't you have a seat?
[Roger gets up and tries to gather his stuff as the camera crew chases towards the door.]
Roger (walking and mumbling): This is not right... you had no right... I didn't do anything wrong.
Hansen: Sir, sir, sir... just come take a seat....
Posted by Luol Dang! at 8:36 PM
This story appeared on Deadspin earlier so it's not exactly unique news, but I know some of the people that read this frequently will be interested in taking it all in. The Pensacola newspaper featured an article about the Snorg Tees girl and her growing popularity and since Snorg is in a way a "sponsor" of the site, I felt it my duty to give those folks some free pub. Another reason I wanted to post this article is because I think some of you reading this are mentioned (anonymously) in the article:
A few weirdos have tried to contact her, Fraasa said, but most of the experience has been good. She’s both floored and flattered by fan groups that have sprung up on the Internet.Weirdos, eh? That sounds like an accurate description of some of my readers. You know how you are....
Posted by Luol Dang! at 8:04 PM
This has nothing to do with anything but this recipe and accompanying picture was listed under the heading "Quick & Easy Dinner Recipe." The picture looked a little complex so I wanted to check out what was so "quick and easy" about the meal only to learn that the thing requires about a dozen ingredients, ownership of a casserole dish and a level of intimacy with southwest cuisine that would make a Mexican day worker in Santa Fe blush. In truth, it's not all that hard to make, I guess. But I do think that referring to it as "quick & easy" may be a bit of a stretch. Unless one of the steps includes a microwave or selecting an item off a takeout menu, it don't qualify as easy in my book.
Posted by Luol Dang! at 7:41 PM
There’s an old SNL skit from 1992 (might be '91) featuring a young Tom Hanks from the Turner and Hooch years, a couple of in-their-prime performances from Chris Farley and Phil Hartman and even several solid supporting efforts from Adam Sandler, Mike Meyers and Kevin Nealon. The name of the skit is "The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club" and it takes an inside look at a group of people who are a little too obsessed with Christopher Hewett (The guy who plays Mr. Belvedere). The skit is rarely replayed but is really one of the better skits of that era. And while the whole skit is funny, it really gets good near the end when the members of the group go through their "exercises" where they state out loud how to properly deal with their strong feelings about "The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere" in the form of what is ok to feel and what is not ok:
Cheryl: Okay. I should want to shake hands with Mr. Belvedere, I shouldn't want to grab a lock of his hair.It was one of those rare times in that era of SNL when completely random skit (Mr. Belvedere?) and over the top dialogue gelled into a funny scene. But the scene stealer, as usual, was Farley who portrayed a fanatical Belvedere fan about as well as you could imagine it being played. You could almost imagine the real Chris Farley feeling that way about a favorite actor of his until you step back and realize that no one other than maybe Mark David Chapman or the chick who killed Selena could be that crazy. And then I read Peter King’s MMQB and learned a little too much about a man named Robert Ruprecht. After learning his story I'm beginning to think that SNL skit may have under done the over-the-top fan:
Mr. Chairman (Tom Hanks): That's good, Cheryl. And, even though it would be really neat to have a lock of his hair, we know that's not right. Someone else?
Mike: Yeah. Okay. I should want to send him a fan letter telling him how good he was in the episode where he teaches everyone how to cook, but I shouldn't want to type the letter on a death certificate.
Mr. Chairman: Yes! But, then, you learned that one the hard way, huh? Okay, so let's keep going. Come on.
Adam: I should like watching "Mr. Belvedere" a lot, but I shouldn't have to masturbate at the end of every episode.
Mr. Chairman: That's right. That is right. Discipline. Next?
Phil: I should want to cook him a simple meal, but I shouldn't want to cut into him, to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes my key.
Mr. Chairman: [ considering ] Good.
Doug (Farley): I got one. I should want to say hi to him nicely, I shouldn't want to keep him in a big jar in my basement.
Mr. Chairman: Alright, Doug, that's great, we understand that now. Go on, though. Why shouldn't you put him in a big jar in your basement?
Doug: Because.. his breath would fog up the glass, and I wouldn't be able to see him..?
Our little crew... encountered Ruprecht in a classic Wisconsin tavern late Friday night. "I just want to tell you one thing," Ruprecht, a 39-year-old optometrist from LaCrosse told me, his eyes crystal clear. "When Brett Favre retires, I will cry. In fact, the day he retires I will call in sick. I won't be able to work."Ok, that’s fair. Maybe a little much but people get emotionally invested in sports and sometimes it can mess with you. So I can live with someone saying that. But Ruprecht’s story doesn’t end there. Not even close:
"You don't understand," Ruprecht said. "I have lived through Randy Wright, David Whitehurst ... people used to leave free tickets under your wiper blades with a note saying 'please take these.' This guy Favre has brought us so much joy. He is the greatest Packer ever. To us, he's Michael Jordan. I am totally serious."Umm... ok? Michael Jordan? He of the 6 championships, 5 League MVPs and distinction as perhaps the greatest athlete in American history and most popular athlete in the history of the world? Even as hyperbole that is too far for my tastes, but what do I know? Maybe Mr. Ruprecht will finish this lovefest with some rational thoughts on the subject. Or maybe he will completely derail and find himself the subject of a restraining order (hint: it’s closer to the latter than the former):
"This is going to sound weird," he said. "I dream about this guy. I dream that I'm going shopping with him. I'm not kidding. I'm just saying, we worship Favre.""This is going to sound weird?" Weird? "Weird" is putting mustard on spaghetti or disliking chocolate. Dreaming that you and a late 30's male are buying groceries together, that is a couple steps beyond weird into an arena sometimes referred to as insanity. I’m not sure you could admit to something much more crazy than that. And then to try and qualify that statement as an example of just where Favre sits in Wisconsin lore by stating that people "worship" Favre up there, as if that makes his feelings rational and reasonable... no F’n way. People worship Jesus and no one dreams that they are walking down the fiction section of a Barnes & Noble with JC looking for the latest Patterson novel. And even if you did dream that, the only person you’d ever admit that to is your therapist or your prison chaplain before you get the chair. You certainly wouldn’t tell some overweight coffee fiend about it at a bar on a Friday night.
I think Mr. Ruprecht should take it easy and do his exercises:
Ruprecht: I should want to root for Favre to lead the Pack to the Super Bowl. I shouldn't want to go shopping for women's clothes with him so that I can dress him up like Mrs. Doubtfire and ravage him while the beat Todd Rungren's "Bang My Drum" CRANKS in the background.Exactly, Robby. Now why don't you put your helmet back on and go back in your cage.
Posted by Luol Dang! at 6:44 PM
Even a cynical Favre hater like myself enjoyed the scene at Lambeau with all the snow and shit. It was a pretty cool sight... until Brett Favre completed that 3 yard bomb that set the world on fire. I actually overheard some dudes goign bananas about it when I went to grab some breakfast this morning and wanted to jab these dudes in their tracheas. I'll give it to Favre that he was able to get away from the rush. That was pretty nice, especially for an old dude. But the fact that he threw the ball 3 FUCKING YARDS UNDERHANDED to a an uncovered receiver directly in front of him was not a feat worthy of remark. The play to gain yardage in a sack situation, that's good. The overall achievement in terms of athleticism, creativity and outstandingness, it doesn't even rate. Did anyone see David Garrard throw a touchdown pass as his face was about the meet the fucking mulch? Now THAT was amazing. But how many times was that replayed, once? And how many times did we have to watch Favre's 3 yard limp wrist, 80? Get over it already, it wasn't that sweet.
Now I don't wish the man harm, but I can't wait til this Wranglers wearing, indigestion having, pill popper rides off on the tractor he rode in on and I never have to hear another announcer verbally ejaculate every time this old fuck does something unconventional and unremarkable. Just be sure you're not on the same road as Favre on his way home. I hear the guy's got some substance dependency issues...
Posted by Luol Dang! at 12:02 AM
Sunday, January 13, 2008
There were a lot of typewritten handjobs dished out to Tom Brady after his near perfect performance on Saturday night, and deservedly so. It was arguably the best performance by a QB in a playoff game ever. And even if you aren't comfortable making that leap, it's at least safe to say that Brady had a very good game. But just how good a game did he have? Well, let's use the ol' QB rating to come up with that number. According ESPN.com, Brady finished Saturday's game with a 141.6 rating. That is Brady's fifth highest rating for a single game this year. But what may be of greater interest is one of the games it was not better than.
According to the QB rating, Brady had a better day on opening day than he did in the Jags playoff game. In the opener, Brady finished with a 146.6 rating in a win over the Jets. And what is really ridiculous is that by almost any objective standard, Brady's night against the Jags was better despite the lower rating. Here's the comparison:
Brady against the Jags - 26/28 (92.9%) 262 yards 3tds 0ints 141.4 ratingSo Brady had more incompletions against the Jets in the same amount of attempts, with the same amount of tds and 37 more total yards, or about 1.3 more yards per attempt. Essentially, QB rating is rewarding Brady for being less accurate and a little more risky in achieving the same exact result. It seems a little ridiculous.
Brady against the Jets - 22/28 (78.6%) 297 yards 3tds 0ints 146.6 QB rating
I have no idea how it is possible to say that a game in which Brady had two incompletions in 28 attempts and threw 3tds is "rated" lower than a game in which he completed a lower percentage of passes for more yards and the same amount of Tds. It seems awfully arbitrary to weigh yards / completion more highly than completion percentage if the amount of Tds is the same.
Posted by Luol Dang! at 11:16 PM
It's rare that I find myself aware of a game being called to the advantage of a particular team when my team is not involved. Most games are called fairly and it's only those who are emotionally attached to the outcome that can find bias in a fairly called game. Since I don't give a shit about the teams, I usually lack opinion about the outcome of the 50-50 calls and unless they are blown in an absurd fashion. Today's Colts - Chargers game was different. The refs did everything in their power to keep the Colts in that game and it was only by the grace of Volek that the Chargers were able to pull it out.
First, I should probably note that I was pulling for the Colts, which was hard for me to do because they are one of my least favorite teams. The reasons I was pulling for them was because: A.) I wanted to see the two best teams play next weekend, and B.) I think the Chargers are the most loathsome bunch of pricks on the face of the earth (more on that later). But despite the fact that I was blatantly pulling for the Colts, it couldn't have been more clear that the refs were giving them every single call out there. The list I have is in no way exhaustive, but here's a taste from my memory of the game: the fake hold on Cromartie's interception return for a touchdown, the mythical pass interference on Hart in the 4th quarter, the several no calls on Indy pass interference or the constant holding of Merriman and Phillips. It was unreal what Indy was getting away with and almost even more amazing that the Chargers were able to pull out the victory.
Now because I don't have a complete list of incidents available (hopefully someone with a little more internet savvy and who Tivo'd the game will come up a larger list), I can't really add much more to what went on but I can say that more than a couple people were on the same page while watching that game (and I'm not just talking about Norv Turner). You gotta give the Volek and the Chargers credit for taking on the Colts, the pumped in noise and the refs all in one sitting. That win was really an amazing feat.
Posted by Luol Dang! at 8:27 PM