Monday, January 14, 2008

To Catch A Roid Rager: Chris Hansen Interviews Roger Clemens

George Mitchell can't get much on Roger and Brian McNamee seems like a bit of a fuck up, so we need someone with a little better track record. Chris Hansen has answered the bell.

After weeks of preparation and a couple of close calls, Hansen finally gained Clemens' trust and by pretending to be Andy Pettitte was able to convince Roger to come over to a "gym" to work out over an IM conversation. The following is a transcript of what transpired.
[Enter Clemens] Roger: Hello...? Andy? Where you at, bud?

[Voice of 25 year-old woman pretending to be a 15 year-old boy coming from another room] "Boy": Uh, come on in. My parents aren't here... I just want to put something more comfortable on...

Roger: What? Who the hell...? Andy! What's going on?

[Enter Chris Hansen]

Roger: What the.... Holy fuuuck... This isn't what it looks like. I'm not here for no teenage sex or nothin like that.

Hansen: I know. That's not what we're here for. Why don't you...

Roger (agitated): Then what the hell was the point of the kid being here? What did he have to do with anything?

Hansen: Why don't you sit down.

Roger: I'm not doing anything until someone tells me what's going on.

Hansen: Have a seat.

Roger: I'm outta here. This is... this is not right. Andy? Andy this better be some kinda joke!

Hansen: Andy's not here. It's just us. Why don't you sit down.

Roger: No... I'm...

Hansen: Take a seat, sir.

Roger: Ok, ok, ok... turn the cameras... TURN THE DAMN CAMERAS OFF!

Hansen: We're not going to do that. What are you doing here?

Roger (visibly shaken): I'm here to work out. I just... I just wanted to lift some weights and work out with Andy...

Hansen: That's all?

Roger: Well, yeah! What'd you think I was doing?

Hansen: Ok, well what's in your bag?

Roger: It's nothing... just work out stuff. I wasn't even gonna use it... I was just takin it home with me... after... we...

Hansen: Can I see what's in your bag?

Roger: Why? It's nothing...

Hansen: Let me see it.

[Roger puts his head down and kicks the bag over to Hansen]

[Hansen pulls out and puts on the table a dozen syringes, 3 vials of unmarked liquid, a 3 pack of novelty condoms and family pak of Big League Chew.]

Hansen: What is all this for?

Roger: I... (sigh) I don't know... it's nothing...

Hansen: What are you doing here, sir? What do you do for a living?

Roger: You know damn well what I do! I'm a major league pitcher! Or at least I was a...

Hansen: Well what, may I ask, is a "major league pitcher" doing in another man's house with syringes, novelty condoms and Big League Chew?

Roger: ....

Hansen: Care to answer that?

Roger (whispering): I... gollee.... I cannot believe this is happening... I need to go home... I need to get out of here...

Hansen: Well wait a minute, I just want to hear your answer. What are you doing here? We've got the instant message conversation, we've got the bag of syringes.... care to tell us what you planned on doing here?

Roger: I just... we were just gonna... work out. It's not what... I gotta leave. I'm leaving...

[Roger stands up and looks for the door]

Hansen: Why don't you sit down? Have a seat. Sit down. Why don't you have a seat?

[Roger gets up and tries to gather his stuff as the camera crew chases towards the door.]

Roger (walking and mumbling): This is not right... you had no right... I didn't do anything wrong.

Hansen: Sir, sir, sir... just come take a seat....
Chris Hansen, America is once again in your debt, good sir.

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