Friday, July 13, 2007

Some Friday Entertainment

This was just too funny to pass up. I'd say that I hope this kid is ok, but I don't really believe that.

But the video below is the reason for the post. This really brings me back to the days me and my buddies used to tape ourselves playing dunkball whilst cranking Phish's Lawnboy or Hoist out of someone's car. These two gents really reflect what it's like to live in a small town in the wintertime, too young to drink or drive and too lame to hang out with chicks. Oh to be young, white, unathletic and bored to tears:

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Best. Contest. Ever.

A chance to win a day with "El Guapo?" There is not enough bandwidth on earth to handle the amount of entries I plan on submitting.

First, why was I not told about this? I mean, how is it that the first time I heard about a chance to meet Rich Garces and hang out with him for a day and TAKE FUCKING BATTING PRACTICE FROM HIM was today when I was looking to waste the last hour of my day on How is it possible that someone did not alert me to this? What am I talking about? I'm talking about this:
Enter below to win a chance to take batting practice thrown by “El Guapo” himself, enjoy a pre-game meal with Rich Garces at the stadium, and watch the game with three guests of your choice.

“The El Guapo Experience” grand prize includes:
Four (4) tickets to the Saturday, August 4th Nashua Pride vs. Brockton Rox game at Holman Stadium in Nashua, NH
A chance to take batting practice thrown by “El Guapo” before the game (subject to availability)
A pre-game meal with Rich Garces at the stadium
Four (4) “El Guapo” t-shirts
Four (4) “El Guapo” Bobblebelly figurines
A pre-game meal? 4 Bobblebellies! Good night! I'm printing out this form and replacing my 2003 "Girls of The Pac Ten" with it. This is the greatest thing I've ever seen or been a part of and I'm not yet a part of it. I'm not sure there is a sum of money I wouldn't pay to make this happen.

G-Mac Is Struggling


It kills me to say this but maybe Gerry should just hang 'em up. It might be his time. Those of you not familiar with Gerry's post-collegiate career, he played in Greece for about 3 minutes (literally), jumped out of that contract, landed in the D-League with the Bakersfield Jam! only to have his minutes taken by the midseason acquisition of Mateen Cleaves and now he's trying to long-shot it into the Philadelphia 76ers program. Things with the Sixers didn't start out all that auspiciously when in the first week of practice he rolled his right ankle and sprained it. Determined to make the squad, he played through the pain and did not play all that well (3pts, 1 board and 3 turnovers) in the 8 or so minutes he was on the floor. A couple days later he sprained his left ankle during a game and was supposed to sit out for awhile but chose to play through it. Then last night he re-sprained his left ankle and though he eventually came back to finish the game, the results were not all that awe-inspiring. Gerry would have had a tough time competing in the NBA at 100% health. He's now functioning at about 30% and it's just getting depressing. It's like watching Jack Nicklaus try and compete in the majors the last couple years before he retired. It was a good effort but he was outmatched and knew he had to hang it up. Gerry's still young and has the desire that some guys would kill for, but he's short, not that quick and very injured. No one's going to fault him if he calls it quits. He's overachieved his entire life and it's a tribute to his desire that he even got a shot in the NBA. We don't want to remember him as the gimp who kept on showing up at NBA summer leagues and is a D-League veteran (See Mateen Cleaves). It's time to ride off into the sunset Gerard.

The Post's Adam Buckman Is Really Pissed At ESPN And Thinks Vlad Guerrero Is Stupid

If Buckman had sent this article via text message, he would have used this emoticon.

I found it annoying the other night that I had to wait to see the opening episode of the highly anticipated "Bronx is Burning" series on ESPN following the 3-hours-too-long Home Run Derby. It was scheduled to start at 10pm but ended up starting at 11:05. I had TiVo'd it but changed the TiVo to record the 11pm program and extend the recording to 15 minutes after the 11pm program just in case. I started watching, fell asleep and then watched it the next day when I came home. Again, it was annoying but whatever, it was following a live TV event and a big draw for ESPN so I understood. Plus, TiVo is so easy to use that it didn't really require a degree in Rocket Scientry to tape the program. Not only that but ESPN showed the program the following night for those who had missed it. Really no big deal. That is unless you are the NY Post's Adam Buckman.

To call Adam Buckman "annoyed" with ESPN's programming decision would be an understatment. He was fucking IRATE. His anger fueled tirade was likely the result of being forced to stay up and watch the program later than he anticipated because he had to get a review in by deadline (though he never did review it), but regardless, the extent of his rage seemed a little over the top, not to mention that some of his rage seemed misplaced and misinformed:
The scheduling of a TV show would seem to be pretty simple.

First, you decide when a show should air. And then you air it at that time.

Make sense? Of course it does - unless you're ESPN.
You would think that after expending so much time, money and effort on producing this thing, the network would want to do everything in its power to showcase it properly.

For starters, they might have figured out a way to launch it on a night when the network had no live sports events whose running times are difficult, if not impossible, to predict.

And yet, ESPN officials stuck to their fictional 10 p.m. start time
Meanwhile, anyone who missed the premiere of "The Bronx is Burning" can try tuning in tonight at 10, when the episode is scheduled to be replayed - hopefully.
Ooooooh, burn! But that's just Buckman's opinion on ESPN's incompetence. He also made some other more bizarre and inaccurate comments like this one:
After all, this was ESPN's first-ever original miniseries.
Now I could be wrong but I'm sure Tilt and Playmakers were original miniseries. That's just poor research there, AB. But Buckman is far from done. He blames ESPN for people not being able to record the show because of the time change.
Untold numbers of them, who either planned to watch "The Bronx is Burning" from 10 p.m. to 11 p.m. or had set their recording devices to tape the show, were forced to stay up later than they had planned or found out the next day that their TiVos, DVRs and VCRs had not recorded "The Bronx is Burning" at all.
As I mentioned above, a modicum of technological acumen would have solved this problem. Most people were watching the Derby or were at least awake at 10pm when it was recording so they could have made the necessary adjustments. But that wasn't his most absurd statement. Not by a longshot. Buckman, essentially, said that Vlad Guerrero is mentally retarded and not worth AB's precious time:
They had, however, taped the final hour of an over-long Home Run Derby, including the always exciting post-Derby interview with the winner - in this case, L.A. Angels right fielder Vladimir Guerrero.

I don't know about you, but interviews with monosyllabic athletes post-anything are usually occasions to change the channel.
Monosyllabic? I'm not sure if you've ever heard Vlad speak, and before Monday, I'm not sure I had, "monosyllabic" is not the word I would choose to describe his speaking style. He speaks Spanish and he speaks it fast as hell with a ton of syllables. I find it ironic that an "Entertainment columnist," a profession in which word-smithery is held in such high regard, would choose such an ill-fitting generalization in which to lump all athletes. My guess is that Adam was just so angry he had to stay up past 11:30pm that he was not on his game. I'll let it slide but in the future, maybe he should lighten up a bit. I'd hate to hang with him on a Sunday afternoon when the Jets games run into the opening 15 minutes of 60 minutes. There must be broken remotes all over the Buckman household.

Eli Thinks Tiki Barber Is A Pussy But Is Too Much Of A Pussy To Come Right Out And Say It

There should be an " * " next to unstoppable with the following disclaimer (* - "unstoppable" claim not valid in connection with Eli's performance: against NFC East teams, against better than average NFL defenses, against NFL teams located in the contiguous 48 US states, as a collegiate QB, in bed and in life in general.)

Not to belabor the above photo more than I already have, but can you think of a word that is a less apt description of Eli Manning than "unstoppable." How about timid, homely, shaken or overrated? I would like to see that ad: "Eli Manning is HOMELY." At least it would be accurate.

Anyhoo... this offseason if you write about Eli Manning you are contractually obligated to mention how this is his "big year" and how he "really needs to show something" "or else"... actually, they don't give the "or else" part because his competitors for the starting spot are J-Load, Anthony Wright and the least talented Hasselbeck so there is no chance he's going to lose his job. But because of this added pressure, Eli has become a little more assertive in his approach, or at least in his approach towards handling the media. He used to let teammates speak for him with Shockey always having his back, Strahan sticking up for him and Tiki doing radio appearances and annoyingly referring to him as Elijah. This past week he has been quoted on several occasions about how he's going to "step up" and "become a leader" this year. He's just been a little more outspoken in his leadership role and it's generally been well-received. Anything more than the mumbling, shy Eli would be a step up at this point. But I think Eli's new found media savvy has started to get into his head a little. In talking about his team this year and their chances in light of all the departures this offseason, Eli took a subtle not-so-subtle shot at the premature retirement of Tiki Barber:
"I don't think we're concerned," Manning said. "We're excited by the players that we have who wanted to return for this season, and who wanted to be a part of the Giants and play."
Whoa there fella. I like your moxy but don't you first have to do something (ANYTHING) on the field before you're allowed to call out one of the greatest players in Giant history? And aren't you the same guy who REFUSED to play for San Diego (now one of the top 3 teams in the NFL) and now you're calling out someone else for being selfish? Well played sir. You're really getting the hang of this leader thing. You just finished up a little short of the full throw the ex-teammate under the bus. You should have called Tiki some racial slur or a homo like TO. A nice, "If he looks like a duck and sounds like a duck..." comment would have finished that off well. I'll give you a pass though. You're just getting the hang of this thing.

Our Four Day Long National Nightmare Is Almost Over

Yeah it's nice that it's almost Friday, but it is much nicer that sports is starting up again tonight. There are only so many episodes of "Dinner Impossible" on the Food Network that one can watch.

You'll get no argument if you suggest that the week of the All-Star Break is the worst sports week of the year. You get 4 straight days of non-sporting entertainment and you have to pretend to enjoy the 4 hour home run derby and 5 hour coverage of the brutal All-Star game. And you'd think because of this void some sport or sports-related entertainment entity would jump at the chance to feature their product during this week. But no, you get nothing. The only sport that does something remotely close to using this week to make announcements or advance their sport is the NBA and they just open up their bizarre free agent "non-signing-signing period" where you make a deal for a person and then can't "finalize" it (though it is announced) until later in the month. I've never understood that whole process. It's like the waiver trades after the trading deadline. Even ESPN, the Worldwide Leader doesn't capitalize on this opportunity like it should. Instead of hosting a live Sports Awards Show that everyone would watch, they tape the show, let everyone know the results (even going so far as to post the results on and then put the show on late Sunday Night whenever the St. Louis v. Philly game ends. Call me crazy but wouldn't they get more viewers on Wednesday night when the competition includes "American Inventor," "America's Top Impersonators" and "America's Talent And Is Really Below Average." We need some sport to step up and have a major event on Monday or Wednesday night. Let's get a big UFC fight series on this time every year or hold the Spelling Bee or Grammar Bee or Math Olympics or something on this night. Hell I'll take the fucking Canasta championships. Give me something with some competition. I'll watch it I swear. Just do it sooner than later. If I'm watching some asshole do a horrendous impersonation of Robin Williams this time next year, I may f'n lose it.

Desperate Times Call For Rickey Henderson

Rickey celebrates his record breaking stolen base at the Del Boca Vista Rec League

The Mets may have the best record in the NL East but it would seem that they are not willing to just stand pat and rest on their laurels. The reason I make such a suggestion is that the Mets just hired the venerable Rickey Henderson to serve as a batting coach (or possibly 1st base coach). Henderson's utility as a coach could be discussed ad nauseum and to blame the former hitting coach Rick Down for the Mets woeful performance at the plate seems a little suspect considering the players not performing up to par are an aging Delgado, a guy in Jose Valentine who had the year of his life last year and a bevy of aging outfielders including the formerly roided up Shawn Green. That just doesn't seem like the real story here, or at least the part worth thinking about. The real story is how Rickey's hiring came about. Rickey's negotiating tactics could best be described as unorthodox:
Rickey... on the answering machine of Padres' GM Kevin Towers

"Dude! This is Rickey! Representin' Rickey! Dude, you need an outfielder! You need to sign me!"
I can just picture Omar Minaya showing up to work on Tuesday morning to find this message on his answering machine:
"Omar! Rickey can help you guys. You can't hit. You old. You need Rickey! Let Rickey come in and run the show! Give Rickey a call. This is Rickey!"
A couple hours later Rickey was hired. He's still got it.

San Pedro?

This is only going to be funny to about a dozen or so people who read this site but the guy who is Izzy stradling Hillary Swank in this photograph is a DEAD RINGER for a buddy of mine. I've chosen not to use friends' names on this site (so you won't be meeting J-Bug, Hench or my buddy Sal), but those of you who know me will know exactly what I'm talking about. I really can't get over it.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

My New Favorite "Keyword" Phrase For The Smittblog

Finding the perfect website for your keyword search on Google can be very satisfying.

One of my favorite things about having a blog is using Google Analytics to track viewership. I can find out what people are reading, where they're located geographically and what site they were referred from. But the best part is checking out what Google "keywords" people are using to get to my site. I can find out the phrases typed into Google that lead to my site popping up. It's a pretty sweet feature. Prior to yesterday, some of my favorites were:

Strahan Gay
Tony Romo Sucks
Feff Francoeur Alex Rodriguez sandwich
Stokke (and assorted combinations)
Lindy Slinger is ugly
Meathead "Meatballs 2"

And that's just the tip of the the iceberg. But then today, two people really upped the ante with the following Google queries:

Grady Sizemore cock
how did I become such an asshole

The first one is funny. I have no idea why my site comes up when that is typed in because I did not use Sizemore and the word "cock" in the same post (though I'm sure the two words appear close to eachother) and there is certainly no photograph of Sizemore's piece anywhere on my site. Not to even get into the person that is searching for this piece of information (the only thing I do know about this person is that the search came early this morning and the network was located in Charlotte). But the second search is funnier on a lot of levels.

First, the reason it comes up is because I wrote something awhile ago about becoming an asshole (I'd link to it, but I'm feeling too lazy). It had much to do with realizing that I was turning into the fans I hate and blah blah blah. So that part is not a mystery. What is a mystery is the type of person who is sitting around on their computer at night and typing in such a query. I mean, what does he expect to come up? Is he really looking for an answer or is he just looking for company to commiserate with? The search is funny in and of itself. But what might be funniest about it is that the search was also out of Charlotte, NC (there are also other similarities including browser type and connection speed). So my guess is that the same guy was searching for both queries and basically this is what happened:

Guy types: Grady Sizemore cock
Reads my blog as well as others about Sizemore but comes up emptyhanded in terms of what he was really looking for. Deflated and in a moment of serious soul searching:

Guy then types: how did I become such an asshole

That's either the explanation or else there are some lonely souls in need of serious help in the greater Charlotte area.

Monday, July 9, 2007

And Speaking of Crazy People....

Yesterday Manny was out of the lineup due to "intestinal turmoil." Being the trooper that he is, he was still scheduled to fly out to San Fran for the All-Star game. But given Manny's history of skipping this event and flaking out in general, when Manny was a no-show for the press conference today, there was certainly cause for concern. I mean, they would have to call up a replacement on short notice and change around all the rosters and paraphernalia and whatnot if Manny decided on a whim he didn't feel like being there. So what the hell is the deal? Where's Manny?:

But Manny is in town, according to fellow All-Star David Ortiz. "He's in town," said Ortiz. "I know, because he came with me."
That's a start, but letting him out of your sights was probably not a great idea, Papi. So citizens of San Fran, if you see a dreadlocked crazy person running around San Fran around 6pm tomorrow evening, let him know he's supposed to show up to Pac Bell by 8pm. Or at the very least remind him about the second half of the season.

What Is It About A Little Backwards State Like West Virginia That Makes People Crazy?

This guy was the only person in West Virginia fit enough to lead the crowd in such a physically demanding cheer.

In a story that reeks of "what else is new," yet another athlete with West Virginia ties has fallen out of favor with his program and been dismissed. Former Huntington High star, Chris Early, was dismissed from the University of Oklahoma basketball team by second year head coach Jeff Capel for unspecified reasons. Early, a high school teammate of OJ Mayo, was one piece of a sterling recruiting class by Capel and though no reason for the dismissal has been made public, I'd wager that it didn't have a ton to do with OU's student / teacher ratio. So, off the top of my head, the list of troubled athletes with ties to West Virginia now includes Randy Moss (say no more), OJ Mayo (he will be a nightmare), White Chocolate (who uttered this infamous ditty: "I will shoot you Asian motherfuckers. Do you remember the Vietnam War? I'll kill y'all just like that."), John Kruk (eating disorder), Kevin Pittsnogle (tuxedo disorder), Jerry Porter (personality disorder), Todd Sauerbraun (roids), Mike Vanderjagt (booze), Terry Bowden (NCAA Violations), Bob Huggins (Booze and NCAA violations) and derelict All-Stars Chris Henry and Adam PacMan Jones. It would seem that West Virginia just attracts jerks at an alarming rate. But that does not tell the whole story. Maybe we've got these guys all wrong. Maybe it's the nature of West Virginia, not some problem with the people that pass through it.

What a lot of people don't know about Bengals Wide Receiver Chris Henry and Strip Club Addict Adam PacMan Jones is that coming out of high school these two were National Merit Scholars. They were actually not ever recruited for football and only backdoored their way into the football program after being noticed by a WVU assistant coach while doing wind sprints in order to complete a extra-credit physics project the summer before their freshman year (they enrolled early to get ahead academically).* But as soon as school started, something in the West Virginia air or water got to these kids and next thing you know they are involved in shootings, providing alcohol to minors, public vomitting and other some such nonsense. Henry and PacMan were merely unsuspecting victims of the natural moral decay that comes with every extra second spent within the borders of the state of West Virginia. There is no way that it is merely a coincidence that people who are in some way affiliated with the state of West Virginia wind up getting involved in some type of impropriety at some point in their careers. I don't know what it is about the state that is causing these problems in people, but clearly the focus should be off the players/coaches and on the state itself. PacMan Jones and Chris Henry should receive our pity not our scorn. Chew on that!

*Facts about Henry and Jones not necessarily accurate.

ESPN Really Missed The Boat With Their V Foundation Auction Items

Sure some idiot will pay $1500 or so to get his face on PTI, but is that the best you can do, WWL? I mean, think about how much someone would pay to spend a night behind the velvet rope with Berman. Doesn't curing Cancer deserve your best effort?

On July 11th, ESPN Radio will be hosting its V Foundation Auction in which an item or experience is auctioned off every hour during their nationally syndicated radio programs for 24 straight hours. It's a very good cause and one that ESPN has championed for over a decade. It's hard to find fault with their efforts in this realm, but I think they kind of half-assed it this year in terms of the types of experiences they are offering up for bid.

I mean yeah it'd be great to hang out with Linda Cohn for a day to find out what gender bathroom she uses and sure I'd love to have lunch with "The Schwab" and see how they cryogenically unfreeze Skip Bayless on ESPN's "First Take," but is that the best they can do? This is the World Wide Leader and they employ some of most intriguing and divisive figures in sports. Where are afternoons with Berman or Stu Scott, or drinks with Stephen A. or Beano Cook?

Fortunately for ESPN, there's still time and I'm here to help. I've come up with a few ideas to help fill up the V Foundation coiffers:

See How Long Can You Spend With Skip Bayless Before Punching Him In The Throat
Opening Bid: You bid a dollar amount per minute
This is how this would work: You make a bid of say $10 / minute (you can bid whatever you want). The over/under is 60 minutes. For every minute over 60 you are able to sit in a room with Bayless without punching him in the throat, you get $10. If you punch him before the 60 minutes are up, you pay the per minute difference. So if you punch Skip Bayless in the throat at minute 3 and your bid $10 / minute, you'd owe $570. There is no limit to the amount of bidders or length of the contest. If ESPN were to propose this contest, they could raise enough money to cure Cancer by Labor Day.

Photography Lessons With Sean Salisbury
Opening Bid: $100
See how Salisbury got that amazing picture quality of Lil' Sean with just a camera phone.

Hang Out In John Anderson's Dressing Room For A Day
Opening Bid: $10,000
I know the price seems high but assuming the dressing rooms go in alphabetical order, Anderson's room shares a wall with Erin Andrews' dressing room.

Get A Tour of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory From Quint Kessenich
Opening Bid: $2000
Get an inside look at the mysterious chocolate factory from one of its most senior employees. See how Quint and the other Umpa-Lumpas tend to the chocolate river and candy gardens and come away with as much free candy as you could ever want.

Bathe Rick Majerus
Opening Bid: You get $10
Somebody has to do it.

Be The Guy Who Grabs Tim Kurkjian's Balls When He Speaks On Camera
Opening Bid: $50
You think Kurkjian really sounds like that? No way. He's got a fluffer who helps him sound him like a Peter Brady.

Original Copy of The Hank Goldberg - Chris McKendry Sex Tape
Opening Bid: $1200
I'd first like to fully disclaim any personal knowledge of such tape or any knowledge that such a tape exists, but I will say that there is some odd sexual chemistry between Hank (who Chris affectionately refers to as "The Hammer") and McKendry. I'd also say that The Hammer strikes me as the type to have multiple videos of himself and his conquests. There's no way a guy known as "The Hammer" hasn't added some ESPN talent to his resume. And Chris and he seem just a bit too cozy. This is a risky bid, but the potential payoff is great.

Wake Beano Cook From His 7 Month Nap
Opening Bid: $500
Be the one to wake Beano up after his seven month slumber and watch as confusion and anger reign supreme. You'll get years of comedy out of the this half hour affair.

Watch The Monday Night Opener With Joe Theisman
Opening Bid: $400
Be there as Joe throws PBR cans at Ron Jaworski's grill on the TV and raves about even the most mundane dump off pass to the flat.

Travel With Chris Connelly On One of His Heart-Wrenching Assignments And Assist Him With His Writing And Over-Inflective Speaking Style
Actually, this would really suck.

Wager On How Long Jaws Can Watch Game Tape of Peyton Manning Before Masturbating
Minimum bid: $500
Over/Under: 8 minutes
This one would just be fun. It's kinda like a 50/50 raffle and there really is no loser. The tiebreaker would be to predict the amount of time in seconds it takes before he unzips his pants. We'll get Herbstreit to time him.

Get A Hug From Harold
Starting Bid: $80 (Cost of the tab at Applebee's)
I know HR isn't employed by the WWL any longer but who wouldn't want to have dinner with former BBTN host Harold Reynolds and get up close and personal like a real production assistant. I could see this getting into the thousands, especially if they get a piece of the subsequent litigation.

Visit The Magic Eye 3D Picture Gallery With Stu Scott
Opening Bid: $1000
You'll laugh, you'll cry... you'll mostly laugh as you watch Stu Scott try and decipher the 3D pictures on the wall. Maybe he'll even bring along his boys Pookey and Ray Ray to help him out.

Spend Draft Day With Mel Kiper
Opening Bid: $2000
This is actually a really good idea. Could you imagine hanging out with Mel on his Super Bowl? It'd be like hanging out with a guy who chugged an entire bottle of Viagra. Wait, that may not be the best way to sell this one. In fact, forget I said that. Regardelss, it'd be pretty sweet.

Weekend With Berman in Montreal
Opening Bid: $5000
Spend a weekend with Boomer and learn from the master in a place where anything goes. The winning bid would include first class, roundtrip airfare and two nights of hotel stay for you and 4 buddies with Boomer. You'll be supplied with VIP access to all the local hotspots as well as the cell phone number of a gentleman known as "Crazy" in case you want things to really get weird (trust me, Crazy will not disappoint). Boomer will lead and you will follow on a weekend you'll never forget.

This list could be a lot longer (and a lot funnier) but suffice it to say that ESPN needs to get a little more creative because this Cancer thing ain't gonna cure itself.