The NY Post Has The Solution For Dealing With The Cheating Pats

With the hullabaloo surrounding the Pats cheating scandal dying down now and the news breaking from the commissioner's office that the Pats will likely not face further punishment, some people are still a little upset that the Pats got off the way they did. Well if you are one of those people who would still like to see the Pats publicly taken to task, the NY Post is your paper. Each day the Post offers a subtle reminder that the Pats may be 2-0, but they ain't squeaky clean:

*PATRIOTS 16 1/2 (41) Bills (1:00)

*Caught cheating

Nice work fellas. I guess this is what happens when it's more interesting to report on your team's rival than about your shitty team.

Don't Tell Berman But ESPN College Gameday In Austin Will Feature Singing Boobs

Remember this guy? That was a low point in American consumerism, eh?
ESPN Radio 1530am in Austin is my webcast of choice during the day here in NYC. The reason I am forced to listen to the webcast is because Cowherd's syndicated broadcast is not on in NYC as they've made the poor choice of going with annoying NY homer, Max Kellerman. As ridiculous as Cowherd can sometimes be, he is far superior to the audio feces that is Max Kellerman from 10am-1pm. I actually love listening to Austin's broadcast. They have great commercials about strip clubs and sports bars and strip clubs that double as sports bars and nude cruises and all sorts of perversity. They're much more interesting than NY's eye surgery commercials. Anyhoo, Austin's radio station hosts an "ESPN College Gameday Tailgate Party" for U of Texas home games and get local radio personalities and cheerleaders and whatnot to come down for the celebration. Well this week with Rice in town, they have a new attendee for their tailgate: Jingle Jugs. Jingle Jugs will be stopping by the ESPN Austin Tailgate party as part of their "Jugs Across America" tour. What are Jingle Jugs you ask? They are a set of boobs you can mount on your wall that will play a pre-recorded message of your voice either via motion detection or by pressing a button:

Fashioned after a lifelike set of women’s breasts, Jingle Jugs for Life, when activated, begin to move in rhythmic motion to a prerecorded breast cancer message or your own re-recordable favorite song or message. Jingle Jugs are the perfect gag gift. They’re a must in the game room or in the bar, put ‘em in your home office or garage and liven up your workplace. Put a new top on ‘em to match the season. Mount ‘em next to your trophies in the game room – after all, it’s the Trophy Rack You’ve Always Wanted!

Yeeeeeee haw! "Liven up your office?" Is that what they call "Get yourself fired and halled to court to defend a sexual harassment suit" in Texas? That would certainly be "lively."

The proceeds of the Jingle Jugs sales will be used for Breast Cancer awareness, so if you can get beyond the absurdity of hanging a set of tits on your wall, it's very good cause. And if you're wondering how they came up with such an idea, well, here you go:

The idea for Jingle Jugs came upon one of the founders, Dave Miller, one evening as he was viewing the Billy the Bass singing fish for the umpteenth time. If people were willing to buy a singing fish, he figured, then they certainly would be willing to buy singing boobs. Numerous trips later to China and the product was ready.

Well duh. The equation just adds right up:

Annoying singing bass ---> boobs ---> singing boobs ---> China ---> Jingle Jugs. Of course!

I wish these guys the best of luck and expect that the next sexual harassment suit at ESPN will have something to do with Chris Berman's office, an inappropriate comment and some wall-mounted boobs.

BK: "You Can Stick Your Silver Lining In A Sack!"

Guest poster Bernard King may have a point below, but that does not obscure the fact that A-Rod is a douchebag (not that the issue was ever broached).
A counterpoint brought to you by Bernard King:

In my second guest column, I thought I’d respond to Luol’s absurd Sox silver lining post below. I’m a Yanks fan (a post about the existence of non-douchebag Yanks fan is coming), so the logical thing to do was to make some counterpoints.

Luol - The Sox beat up the Yanks best starters.
No argument here, so long as you're just talking about the September series. If Wang and Pettitte have consecutive games of 4 and 5 ER, in 4 and 5.2 IP, respectively, the Yanks will go nowhere regardless of who they play. You cleverly omit Wang's one-hit, seven inning shutout game against Boston in his win at the end of August. Pettitte also beat Dice K in that series, allowing 3 ER in 7 IP. So, you can skew the stats any way you want, or you can say the home pitcher held serve.

Luol - The Sox two best pitchers owned the Yanks
Owned? C'mon. First, Beckett owns everyone, so I can't really argue that. The guy's having a Cy Young season. The Yanks were lucky to beat him in the August series, but he was outpitched by Roger. Luckily, game time temperature was 79 degrees and sunny. Second, the Yanks didn't face Clay Buckholz. I'll address Dice K when we're not talking about the Sox "best" two pitchers. I think he’s 1-4 in his last 7 with a 7.15? That’s Ace stuff right there. Apparently his meatball, er, gyroball, isn’t fooling anyone.

Luol - The Sox got to Joba.
What exactly do you mean by "got to"? You’re reaching. If an inconsequential Mike Lowell homerun and some base runners is a silver lining, great. Exactly what happened after that homerun? Oh, right, he struck out three and got the win. In the words of Police Chief Bruce Grady, “Desperation is a stinky cologne.” Perhaps the definition of “got to” might instead be the back-to-back homeruns that sparked that demoralizing comeback WIN against Okijima in the first game of that series. The Sox, having shut down Okijima with a tired arm, are still feeling the effects of the Yanks having gotten Joba’s Sox counterpart. I won’t even bring up Eric “Nail in the Coffin” Gagne. Nice pickup.

Luol - Mo has been shaky as hell.
Since when? His post-All Star ERA is 1.99, and he has 18 saves over 1 loss. He’s saved four of the last five Yankee wins over the Sox (the other win was 5-0). There’s not much more I need to say about this really. So you loaded the bases on him off of a few bloop hits in that last game, and unlike you’re guy, he actually shut the door? The only chance you have of getting to Mo’s is if Manny’s in that lineup. Otherwise, good night. As you admirably point out, if Mo is shaky, Papelbon is fucking mess. That stupid fucking angry Cartman face he makes just doesn’t intimidate the Yanks anymore. He’s blown two saves in his last two appearances against the Yanks.

Luol - The Yanks suck on the road.
Really? The Yanks just took 2 of 3 in Boston. Pretty sucky.

Luol - Roger Clemens is really old.
You think so, Doctor? I hate Roger and can't defend him, ever. I hope his arm falls off and ends his 19th "farewell" tour. The worst part about this whole Yanks surge is that it loosely coincides with Roger’s comeback. Thanks for the six wins - what is that, $3 million per win? Penis.

Luol - The Sox lineup, as presently constituted, is ridiculous.
“[A]nd made the playoffs with this lineup” is just about the dumbest thing said that entire post. The Sox made the playoffs playing .700 ball in the first half of the season, with the lineup as constructed in the off-season. With this current lineup (basically since Manny went down), you guys flushed away the 14.5 game cushion your real lineup got you. Hence, “the Sox lineup, as presently constituted,” is the reason you’re writing about a silver lining in the first place.

-Bernard King

The Sox Silver Lining

Times are tough in Beantown but here are a few positives for the Sox (or at least some negatives for the Yanks!
So you may have noticed (though you probably have not) that before today I haven't uttered as much as a peep about the Sox or the Yanks other than to make fun of Joba Chamberlain's ridiculous stat count. Well much of the reason has to do with the fact that the Sox suck right now and it's hard for me to right anything rational about this team. But given that--thanks to the Tigers--this team is going to the playoffs, there has to be something positive said about these guys. I'm here to tell you that there are some things that are very positive about this team and their chances against the Yankees if they meet in the ALCS (which is becoming more unlikely by the day):

1. The Sox Beat Up The Yanks Best Starters
Coming into last weekend's 3 game set, the biggest question for the Sox was whether they could get to Pettitte & Wang, a duo who shut them down the last time they played them. They killed those two dudes. In 9.2 innings the two pitched, the Sox scored 9 earned runs. Their two best pitchers shit the bed. The Sox don't have to worry about those two guys when they face them again. So that's good.

2. The Sox Two Best Pitchers Owned The Yanks
In 12.2 innings against the Yanks, the Sox two best pitchers (Beckett and Matsuzaka) gave up 3 runs. They did it against the two best starting pitchers for the Yanks had and were in key games (and yes, I'm conveniently leaving out the part where Papelbon was explicably brought in to get a 6 out save and blew it because Tito panicked and didn't bring in Delcarmen instead).

3. The Sox Got To Joba
The Sox scored the first earned run against Joba but better than that, they're hitting him and getting on base against him. In his last 4 innings against the Sox, they've got 4 hits, 2 walks and the home run by Lowell. Plus, it looks like other people are figuring him out as well. He was pulled from the Toronto after giving up an unearned run and his strikeouts are down. He's still a great weapon but his luster has been scuffed up a little.

4. Mo Has Been Shaky As Hell
Though not nearly as shaky as Papelbon and the rest of the Sox bullpen, Mo has been pedestrian of late. He's putting a ton of people on base and though he's sneaking out of the situations with wins (which really is the point, afterall), it's gonna catch up with him. He's giving up more hits than he has historically and has given up a third of his walks for the season in his last three appearances. He's not nearly as invicible as he has been and eventually he'll get touched up.

5. The Yanks Suck On The Road
The Yanks are barely above .500 on the road. After their home series with Toronto, they go to Tampa and Balto and actually have a losing record against Baltimore. And the Rays are 15-11 in their last 26. They're playing pretty well. The Yanks will be lucky to finish these last ten game 6-4. That means the if the Sox go 5-4, they'll win the East. They play their last 6 at home and have three in Tampa before that. They are 11-4 against Tampa this year (though, as I said, Tampa is playing much much better than the Sox are presently).

5. Roger Clemens Is Really Old
Roger Clemens is old. In October the weather gets cold. Old People do not like the cold. Roger Clemens is not going to like the cold.

6. The Sox Lineup, As Presently Constituted, Is Ridiculous
They're starting Bobby Kielty, what more do I need to say. In the last week, they've played 4 rookies and three of those guys have started. While Pedroia isn't exactly a "rookie" 150 games into the season (and is probably rookie of the year), Ellsbury, Moss and Cash are awfully green. For all of Ellsbury's spark at the plate, on the bases and in the field, it'd be nice if they had a little more experience. Not even to mention the guys they are replacing (Manny, Youk and Varitek). And those guys are keeping it competitive. They won two games against the Yanks with that shitty lineup (the Friday game was a win) and they are playing above .500 and made the playoffs with the lineup, so really it's kinda impressive that they're doing so well (it's a testament to the impact of the early success). But in the playoffs, it's a different story. The only hope the Sox have is that Manny comes back healthy. I'm not sure that will matter with Ortiz in such bad shape but at least there's some hope.

And that's pretty much all I got. The Sox are in a tough place right now and need a bit of a run at the end to at least calm the nerves of the edgy fans. I know I'd feel a little better if they'd actually win a game every now and again. But there is a bright side to all of this, the Sox look pretty solid for next year....

The Red Sox May Suck Right Now, But Choke? Let's Be Reasonable

I hear ya, kid.
Much is being made of the 14.5 game lead over the Yanks that the Red Sox had on May 29th (it is May 29th, despite what you are being told. Though the Yanks woke up down 14.5 games on the 30th, they went to bed down 13.5) now being only 1.5 games. And while I'm not a fan who is going to take the "it doesn't matter if they win the division, it only matters that they get in the playoffs" line (because it will SUCK when the Yanks win the division for the 80th fucking year in a row), the change in the standings since May in and of itself is WAAAAAAAAAAY overblown.

First, on May 29th, 50 games into the season, the Sox were playing .700 ball. If they kept that absurd pace up and won 115 games, they'd wind up with the 9th best record of all-time and the third best in the modern era. Assuming that the 115 win pace was unreasonable and they would come back to reality a little at some point and only won say 106 games (a still absurdly high number of games), and the the Yanks kept up their current pace and finised the year with maybe 96 wins, the Yanks still would have made up 5 games in the loss column. So even if the Sox won a ridiculous 106 games, the Yanks would still have played better over the last 100 games by 5 games.

Second, on May 29th, 50 games into the season, the Yanks were playing .420 baseball and were tied with Tampa for worst record in the East. Though they took a ton of shit and Torre was almost canned, did anyone really think they were going to finish the season under .500? They had to get better, right? You figure they'd at least finish maybe 5 or 6 games over .500 at worst. So in their worst case scenario, they go 87-75 and they still would've made up some ground on the Sox even if the Sox finished with the best record in baseball and won 100 games! So using the May 29th record is a little unreasonable. All it goes to show is that at that time the Yankees sucked.

So what I'm really trying to get at here is that the May 29th standings were not a reasonable reflection of what EITHER TEAM was going to do over the course of an entire season. Sure it would've been nice for the Sox to win 115 games and the Yanks to not break 70 wins, but that was never going to happen and no one expected it to. The reality is that over the last 100 games the Yanks have been out of control. They're playing .650 baseball. In their last 21 games, they're 16-5. They would've caught up with anybody (especially the Sox who are 14-12 in their last 26). The Sox still have the best record in baseball and the only way that the East would not be close is if the Sox continued at their absurd pace of May and the Yanks continued to shit the bed. If that were the case, the Yanks would be over 40 games back right now. And I'd be happy as a friggin clam.

Navy's Paul Johnson Would Like You To Shove Your Questions Right Up Your Ass

That really is a "crazy joke."
It's always fun when a reporter with a knack for agitation confronts a coach with a history of hotheadedness and the sparks fly. Well the electric combination of the two showed up this week in Annapolis when Navy Head Coach Paul Johnson was confronted by reporter Bill Wagner of the Annapolis Capital and the results were pretty great (reported by Syracuse Post-Standard's Dave Rahme):

Wagner (reporter): Can I ask you something without making you mad?

Johnson: Maybe. I don't know.

Wagner: I was talking to a Navy fan and he said he follows the coverage and that he noticed something and I'm just going to put it to you. He says that it seems like when Navy loses you blame the players, i.e. we can't execute fundamental plays, but that the success of the team the last four years has been attributed to brilliant coaching. How do you respond to that?

Johnson: Whatever he thinks. I don't go down to McDonald's and start second-guessing his job so he ought to leave me alone.

Yeeeeeeee...Ok then... I don't want to come off as critical of Paul Johnson (it seems he's a wee bit sensitive), but I've never really understood this line of reaction to fan criticism. I feel like these coaches and athletes who use the "McDonald's Defense" aren't "getting it." The reason you don't go down to McDonald's and criticize the fan who works this is because their product is consistently delicious. Now if you ordered a quarter pouder and found a dump on it, you'd probably complain to high holy hell. In the same way that if you as the coach produced a delicious product every week, nobody would complain or criticize you. But when your team takes a dump on the field, the fans are well within their rights to complain. You see what I'm saying? Anyhoo, Johnson and Wagner were not finished:

Wagner: But do you feel like it can't be both ways?

Johnson: You know what? I could care less. I'm old enough where I could give a crap what the fans think or what you think, to put it in a nutshell.

Wagner: Wins and losses are evenly distributed as far as credit and blame, right?

Johnson: If you could ever find one time that I said we won the game because of brilliant strategy I will kiss your butt at city dock and give you two days to draw a crowd. Find it and bring it to me. Tell that guy that if he wants to talk to me I live at (address given but deleted for the transcript) I will be right there. Come ring my doorbell and I will be glad to talk to him.

Unfortunately, the address was redacted from the transcript so you can't walk over to Paul Johnson's house after you finish your shift at McD's and ask him why he gives his players so much shit after they lose and takes so much credit after he wins. Though it probably won't stop PJ from receiving a side of snot rocket in next Big Mac.

LEAVE RICKY ALONE! ....leave him alone... please... LEAVE RICKY ALONE!...

Later Jay shows you how to throw a potential teammate under the bus.
The Dolphins are 0-2, they are old and they don't really have anything going for them in their ground game. So naturally it is time that we speculate about the triumphant return of Ricky Williams to save the day. Well, the idea was thrown out to Dolphins kicker Jay Feely and let's just say he wasn't too keen on it:

"I want guys that I know that I can trust and that I believe in, not somebody who's got some talent but you don't know if he's going to quit on you -- if he's going to walk out on you, if he's going to go do some drugs and get suspended again,"

So you're saying there's a chance? This is easy for you to say, Jay. You're not the one getting your head bashed in and going to herbal remedy camp. You might need a drag or two of puff's magic dragon if you came home with something worse than a hangnail. Can't you just leave Ricky alone. He's having a tough time. JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE!

please....

leave him alone

Hey Steve Kragthorpe, Stop Blowing Sunshine Up Our Asses. We're WAAAAAAY Past That Bullshit

This picture should be used as "stock footage" of Syracuse Football from about 2003-present.
When Louisville takes on Syracuse this Saturday after having their BCS Championship hopes dashed, it is gonna be ugly. Louisville is good, Syracuse is bad and Louisville is going to be very, VERY angry. The only thing they have left to play for is the Big East championship and a bid to a BCS bowl game as well as Brohm's Heisman candidacy. But if you listen to Louisville coach Steve Kragthorpe, you'd think they're taking on the fucking Baltimore Ravens:

On the 40-34 loss to Kentucky that ended with a long TD pass in the final minute: "Obviously, I'm very disappointed that we lost the game in Lexington. We've got to get back off the mat and get ready to play a Syracuse team that is very, very dangerous and very sound on the defensive side of the ball. They bring pressure from a lot of different angles and they have a variety of fronts. On the offense side of the ball I think the QB is playing more efficiently every time he plays, and they have some big-play guys on the outside. So, we've got a challenge."

"Dangerous...." "Big-play guys...." ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? I know you don't ever want to disparage another team publicly, but at least be honest about it. Couldn't you just say that "Syracuse is going through a tough time right now but we don't want to underestimate them because those guys have pride (which is debatable)." That I can buy into. Even a modicum of praise for either side of the ball is too much. And if you think I'm being too harsh, check out the numbers from Joe Starkey's article:

• Syracuse ranks 116th out of 119 Bowl Subdivision (formerly Division I-A) teams in total offense, 101st in total defense and 118th in sacks allowed (18).

• The past two years, Syracuse ranked 110th and 115th in total offense; 107th and 57th in total defense; 116th and 109th in sacks allowed.

• With only three more losses this season -- care to bet the under? -- this team will have matched the school record for most losses (24) over a three-year stretch, matching the squads of 1972-74 and 1891-93.

• A ticket scalper told The Syracuse Post-Standard that business outside the Carrier Dome was the worst since he started in 1984.

• In a 41-20 loss to Illinois on Saturday, the announced crowd (34,188) was the lowest at the Dome in 20 years.

So listen up, Kragthorpe.... we don't want your pity and we don't want your false praise. We just want you to beat the shit out of us and then shut up and leave us alone. Things are bad enough without you lying to try and make us feel better.

Hey Ya'll! It's Your 2007 Cincinnati Longhorns!

So far this year, this guy is the only person associated with the Longhorns who has not been arrested. Obviously an oversight.
The long-arm of the law is coming on down awful hard on the Longhorns Footbal program. It was reported today that Texas Longhorn freshman running back James Henry was arrested for his alleged involvement in obstructing the investigation of a robbery allegedly committed by another Longhorn in July. Apparently, Henry "'went over there and whupped'" one of the victims, throwing them on the ground and punching and kicking them in the head several times." This makes a cool half-dozen Longhorns arrested since June. That's pretty high for a college town who probably let's its athletes get away with pretty much whatever the hell they want. Though I guess when you start disposing of evidence in a robbery, it's hard for the police to kinda "let it slide." They are almost nearing Bengals territory. Book em, horns! (Yes, I know that is awful).

Eric Mangini = Big Pussy

Don't wanna turn your back on Mangini, Elmo. He just might stick a knife in there.
Today's a first for the Smittblog. We have a guest poster. So sit back and enjoy the no-punches-pulled stylings of Mr. Bernard King:

When I recommended this subject for smittblog content, Luol said he wouldn’t touch the it with a Ron Jeremy pole in fear of looking like a ridiculous homer, so he invited me to write a guest column on the topic. Let me first say I hate the Pats and share a healthy dose of indifference toward the Jets. Let’s also get the obligatory “What Belichik did was wrong” out of the way up front – he cheated, got caught, and paid (and will continue to pay) the price accordingly. However, lost in the wave of anti-Belichick sentiment is what a douchebag move Eric Mangini made by starting this whole thing in the first place.

Eric Mangini started his football career as a ball boy for the Cleveland Browns. Let me say that again – A BALL BOY. His work ethic was not lost on then-head coach Belichick, who lobbied the GM for Mangini to get promoted to a more meaningful job. Eventually, Mangini followed Belichick to New England where he continued to climb the football coaching ladder until he became Belichick’s defensive coordinator in 2005. To say Mangini owes his entire professional career to Belichick would be an understatement – that surly little butterball would still be picking up Kellen Winslow’s sweaty jockstraps were it not for Belichick taking him under his hoodie.

So why does this matter? Call it loyalty, call it respect, or just common fucking sense. There were ten more appropriate responses to calling-out Belichick for attempting to steal the Jets signs than what Mangini did. Tell him you know what he’s doing offline and give him a warning. Change your signs and beat the evil “genius” at his own game. Do the same thing and win (if what you’re complaining about actually works). Let other head coaches know what’s going on under the table and make him look even more ridiculous, in private. Find the guy taping your signs and have Nick Mangold’s sister have her way with him. Or, rat him out to the league office and publicly humiliate the single person responsible for you have a JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!?! Where I’m from (the rough-and-tumble streets of suburban Long Island, beeeatch), a certain level of respect is paid to the people that got you to where you are. For all of the people who just want to jump on the Pats because they are the best-run franchise in professional sports, that includes your mentor. If you don’t agree with that, go back to France and watch a soccer game, asswipe. Had Belichick done that to Bill Parcells when they were both coaching, the NFL world would be piling Belichick for his disloyalty, like it did when he (smartly) passed on the Jets job Parcells set up for him. The point is, because everyone hates the Pats/Belichick’s success, no one seems to care that Mangini is equally wrong and easily the bigger douchebag in this instance. Mangini’s punishment should be to return his Super Bowl rings to Belichick the next time the Pats bitchslap the Jets (without stealing signs) and Belichick is forced to cross the field to shake Fredo Mangini’s hand.

Hopefully Mangini gets rubbed-out on a fishing trip the next time he uses his Belichick-owed fame to cameo on a popular television show.

-Bernard King

Tim Hardaway Hates Dice-K

Say what you will about the Sox but now matter how depressing a loss may be, they will not be deterred from making their rooks look like assholes.
Despite the loss to the Yanks on Sunday night, the Sox still went through the traditionally hazing routine on the plane ride to Toronto and then promptly shit the bed in their Monday night game. I must say that the Dice-K in the teletubby outfit is pretty frickin funny. A behind-the-scenes video of the event can be found here.

And On The 8th Day, God Healed Jon Kitna So He Could Play Again In The Second Half Of The Lions v. Vikings Week 2 Matchup

Who knew Kitna had such a small crank?
If ESPN were still as "in your face" and extreme as they were a couple of years ago, Jon Kitna would've made this week's "JACKED UP!" He got knocked the F out in Sunday's game and it looked like the Lions were in for the JT O'Sullivan era. That was at least until the Big Guy upstairs got involved:

"I've never felt anything like that, and for it to clear up and go right back to as normal as I can be, is nothing short of a miracle," Kitna said Monday. "I just definitely feel the hand of God. That's all it was. You can't explain it.

"I have no headaches, no symptoms, no lingering effects. But that was the worst my head has ever felt, and the worse my memory was in the second quarter. Yet, after halftime there was nothing."

EZ Jon boy. I may not be all that tight with the big G-O-D but I'm guessing the old man may not have had time to deal with the headache of a below-average quarterback on an terrible franchise in a game that probably got a .5 rating nationally, you know with all the more significant strife and whatnot staring him right in the face (like Buffalo's offense and the Giants D). I mean, Fox didn't even care about the game. They sent Matt Vasgersian, JC Pearson and Jennifer Hammond to cover it. You think God gave shit? No friggin way. He was too busy reading over the terms of the deal with the devil that Roger Clemens made before he pitched Sunday night.

Yeah, I Feel REAL Bad For The Guy Who Picked OJ As His Best Man

Dude, chill out. It could've been much worse. He could've stabbed you to death and gotten away with it.
So why was OJ in Vegas anyway, well he was serving as the best man in a buddy's wedding of course. Thomas Scotto, an OJ associate, was getting married and figured he'd get his buddy Juice to serve as Best Man. But now that it turns out that OJ and the gun wielding dudes he found at the pre-wedding cocktail went into some guys roomed and robbed them, the groom's upset because of the shroud of controversy associate with his nuptials:

"It's ruined my wedding," Thomas Scotto, 45, said of Simpson's arrest for armed robbery the day after the nuptials.
.........

"I was doing last-minute things for my wedding," he said. But he added that he knew of Simpson's plan to get back "stolen" sports memorabilia.

"O.J. had told me about it a couple of weeks ago," Scotto said. "He said they were going to make arrangements to pick his stuff up."

When Simpson came under suspicion for the armed robbery, "he was devastated that he was ruining my wedding," Scotto said.

"This guy can't even jaywalk without getting in trouble."

"I want to go on my honeymoon. That's all I care about," he said. "I don't want the police to pick me up at the airport."

Wait, you chose Stabby McStabsalot as your best man and you acknowledged that the guy can't "jaywalk without getting" arrested, but somehow you are shocked and dismayed that OJ Simpson got in trouble during your LAS VEGAS WEDDING AFTER HE TOLD YOU HE WAS GOING TO ACCOST SOME PEOPLE HE BELIEVED STOLE HIS SHIT? That's like inviting Rosie O'Donnell to your party and getting upset when your sticks of butter are missing. You made your bed dude, lie in that fucker.

OJ's Robbery Defense Sounds Oddly Familiar

"Why would I shill roller skates? I'm OJ Simpson, I don't even skate!"
Even with the phyiscal evidence mounting, a ton of eye witness testimony and a leaked audio account of the incident (absolutely tremendous stuff), OJ is sticking with the line that worked for him when he murdered those two people: "Why would I do X? Wouldn't that make me look more guilty? It just doesn't make sense." In this case, OJ's line is "why would I enter a room with and retrieve my personal belongings with people carrying guns? I'm OJ Simpson. Do you really think I thought I could get away with it without anyone saying something?" Haven't we heard this before?

"Why would I kill my wife and her boyfriend? I have nothing to gain and wouldn't everyone immediately assume it was me?"

"Why would I leave a bloody glove on my property? Wouldn't that just cement my guilt?"

"Why would I try and avoid police in a low speed car chase? Wouldn't that seem to indicate that I was afraid of being caught and thus create an inference of my guilt?"

"Why would I write a book about how I would have committed the murders if I actually did commit them? Wouldn't that be in really bad taste?"

I guess it worked for him the first time, so why not recycle it? The only problem is that at that time, he had to convince 12 idiots and they bought it. A decade and change later, no one's buying it. Now when OJ incredulously asks, "Why would I do that? Do you think I'm that stupid?" The answer is an emphatic, "Yes".

LaDainian Tomlinson Is A Pussy

You see LT, if you're gonna talk shit, you should really back it up.
I used to love LT. He was my favorite player to watch, he was always regarded as a classy guy who was polite and forthright and he just seemed like a good dude. But then his team got good, and then his team got beat, and then he whined like a bitch. And I think you started to see what he was really like. It's easy to be a great player on a bad team and just toe the company line and wait for the team to build talent around you like a Barry Sanders. You never heard him bitch. It's easy to be a great player on a 14-2 team that rolled into the playoffs like a bat out of hell. Everyone praises you for your humility and work ethic. It's not tough to answer questions like, "You guys are the greatest and you are breaking records, how does it feel to be so great and may I massage your scrotum?" It's how you react in your worst moments that define you. And LT, in his two worst moments, has acted like a complete pussy.

Here's some advice, La Dane E In, if you are on a team that has a sack dancing steroid user and you sit idly by while he dances all over the place during your wins, you can't then whine like a bitch about it when another team mocks the guy after they beat you. That's the risk the guy takes when he has a dance. At some point someone will use it to make fun of him (kinda like your effeminate touchdown ball-flip). If it's not classless when you jump around and roid rage after a sack, then it's not classless to make fun of that stupid fucking dance. But here's the real reason you are a pussy, LT... when you laugh at your opponent the week before you play them because they are going through a scandal and then you and your team shit the fucking bed on the field AND THEN you come near tears in your post-game interview because of how badly you got your ass beat, well, you sir are a pussy.

LT, you may be all class and humble when your team is dominating or gritting out wins, but twice you've been faced with a humiliating situation and twice you acted like a pussy. I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin...