Saturday, May 26, 2007

This Theory of Mine About The Knicks Is Making More Sense By The Second

The Van Gundy leg hump may have just fallen out of the top ten most ridiculous moments in Knicks history.

So this ranks right up there in the truth is stranger than fiction department, the Knicks, a team in need of any news that could reasonably be construed as positive, decided to retain the services of resident vocal diarrhea veteran Micheal Ray Richardson (that's how the man spells it) as a member of their community relations department". Richardson recently made headlines after he made some comments that some people interpreted as anti-semitic (though personally, I think complimenting airport security and an ethnicity's ability to deal with years of persecution is not "anti" anything even though Richardson may have couched his compliments in an ignorant manner). He's also been criticized for making homophobic remarks and is notorious for his gift of gab on other tough subjects like the racial double standard and the development of some NBA prospects. My personal favorite being this one:
REPORTER: What do you think is happening to the team?

RICHARDSON: The ship be sinking.

REPORTER: How far can it sink?

RICHARDSON: Sky's the limit.
Now I don't think that Micheal Ray should be banned from participating in organized basketball for the rest of his days (he was just hired as head coach of the CBA's Oklahoma City team), but maybe he should have been moved from the community relations department of a team in a city with the nation's largest Jewish community to a more "behind the scenes" department, like GM. Just sayin....

Friday, May 25, 2007

Enjoy The Long Weekend

It makes no sense to me that the Macarena became a dance sensation but this dance never really took off. Also, isn't the guy with the hat and scratchy voice Lou Bega or at the very least Arsenio Hall impersonating Lou Bega?

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Knicks Roster Plan Exposed

I can't believe it's taken me so long to figure this out. I almost feel dumber than Isiah... almost.

If ever there was a moment when I realized that I had lost all feelings whatsoever for the NBA, it was last night during the Cavs - Pistons game when I switched to the Food Network during the waining moments so I could catch how the judges felt about Morimoto's pepper dishes. And when I later found out that the game was over and it was close and i had missed it, I felt happy that I had seen Morimoto's weird Chili Pepper Tempura. THE SHIT WAS STILL MOVING AFTER HE COOKED IT! IT LOOKED ALIVE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE (it was not)! I have no idea how he did that. Despite this indifference to the NBA product, I still have a rooting interest in the NBA and thus pay it some mind. That rooting interest is the New York Knicks. I hate them and I love hating them. I mostly hate Isiah, but the Knicks in general are just an unlikable bunch. The most frequent criticism of the team is that their leadership--mostly Isiah--has no direction or master plan. Well, I'm here to tell you that those critics are wrong. Dead wrong. Today, after reading an "rumor" about the Knicks plans for Vince Carter this offseason, I have officially cracked the code of Isiah Thomas. Here is what was written, see if you can figure it out:
Despite Vince Carter's disappointing postseason, the Knicks still have interest in pursuing the Nets high-flyer if he becomes a free agent July 1, a source close to Isiah Thomas told the New York Post.
Do you see it? I mean, it's right there in front of you. Think about every personnel move Isiah has ever made. Then look at the first sentence of the blockquote above. Now plug a player where Vince Carter's name is and then finish the sentence anyway you wish. You see it now. Here are a few:

Stephon Marbury
Despite being a noted coach killer and me first point guard whose teams have improved after leaving them, Isiah Thomas desperately wants to add Stephon Marbury to the Knicks.

Renaldo Balkman
Despite Renaldo's limited athleticism and the fact that no one else intended to draft him, Isiah Thomas took Renaldo Balkman with his first selection in the 2006 NBA draft.

Stevie Franchise
Despite the Knicks crowded backcourt and the fact that there is no way in hell that Marbury and Francis can coexist, Isiah Thomas traded his biggest chip (Hardaway's expiring contract) for Francis's bloated contract.

Jerome James
Despite being a horrendous basketball player, Jerome James was signed by Isiah Thomas.

Do you see the pattern? It's frigging Genius. Isiah, I will never criticize you again. Your plan will offer slapstick comedy for years to come. Thank you good sir.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

NCAA Lacrosse ("Lax") Final Four Viewing Guide

This is what we in the biz call "tight lax."

Being that I'm a former Laxer I figured I'd be in a decent position to create a guide for viewers new to the "Fastest Growing Collegiate Sport" (which in the title IX era parlance means the male/female sport created after they cancelled your school's wrestling program). Now, my team never made the tournament but I've been to the tournament a couple of times, I've watched it a ton and I played for a dozen years or so, so I think it's safe to say that I am an a friggin expert AND THE COURT WILL HERE MY OPINION! (two "A Few Good Men" quotes in one day. Solid). Anyhoo, I'm listing a few terms and phrases that you should be familiar with while watching this weekend. These terms will come in especially helpful if you are attending:

Quint Kessenich
Quint will be your guide through the weekend (likely joined at the hip by Leif Elsmo). You may remember Quint's work from some of the ABC horse racing coverage and I think he did some work as a sideline reporter for a Orioles - DRays weekday day game in 2006 when Gammo called in sick. Quint is a former 4-time All-American goalie at Johns Hopkins and is unfortunately the broadcast face/voice of college lacrosse. He's pretty knowledgeable about the game but he's kind of a boner. Actually, he's a complete boner. He likes to toe the line between explaining the game to people who know the game very well and explaining it like he's talking to a group of mentally retarded foreigners. He'll also be featured at least twice during the game in some sort of on field play-acting with a player from one of the teams (likely Duke), in an effort to show how a man-up play works, a face-off is won or a how a split dodge works. He's kinda like a more annoying, pre-pubescent leprechaun version of Fox Baseball's "Scooter," only Quint talks the entire game. You may want to hit the mute button.

Technically this is when a defensive player leaves his man (or "space" if they're playing zone or are man-down) to help defend another player. You will hear this term A LOT no matter what is going on on the field. You will hear about sliding early, no slides, lack of sliding, fucking slippin slides.... you can just ignore all of that talk. It's helpful to know what a slide is as you'll be hearing so much about it, but is not helpful to know exactly what's going on. It's like tuning out Hubie Brown when he talks about the nuance of weakside help and rotating down to the post. It's a part of the game, but it's about as exciting as woman's college softball, which is likely playing on ESPNU right now if you're interested.

A "Gilman" is also known as a "cheap" and a "duck and chuck". It refers to an instance when a defensive player gets the ball and throws it all the way to the offensive end of the field without any rhyme or reason. It's similar to "icing" in hockey yet there are no consequences. The term is actually a reference to a Baltimore high school that apparently used this method so often that they are forever infamously tied to it. The beauty of the term is that it can be used as a verb or a noun. You can "Gilman it," or you can tell your opponent, "Sweet Gilman, pussy."

Long Pole
This refers to a player carrying the six foot long titanium shaft around the field. You are only allowed to have four of these types of sticks on the field at any one time and they are usually in the hands of the top defenders and biggest knuckleheads on your team. It is also interesting to note that the length of these poles is inversely proportional to that person's shower presence. Though the width of the stick is directly proportional to said presence. The goalie is the only player on the field with a wider stick than anyone else.

Poke Check, Ding Dong, Back Check, Helicopter
These are different ways that defensive players try and take the ball away from an offensive player. And by take away, I mean knock the ball on the ground. The poke check is similar to a Lennox Lewis straight jab, but with a 6 foot metal pole. People throw them constantly and they generally have no effect unless you connect when the guy isn't expecting it. In fact, now that I think about it, they are exactly like Lewis's straight jab. The Ding Dong is when you fake like you are gonna go over the guy's head with your long pole and then come down right in front of his mask and directly down on his exposed wrists until he bleeds like a hemophiliac. The back check is when you essentially slash the brain stem of the person holding the ball in the hopes that you either hit the stick or paralyze the left side of the guy's face by incapacitating his medulla oblongata. The Helicopter is when you slash the limp-wristed ball carrier's stick so hard that the stick goes flying around like a helicopter blade. Hence the name: Helicopter. You'll see all these checks back-to-back in the clip below the "Rusty Gate" definition.

Rusty Gate
The successful Rusty Gate check is the White Whale of lacrosse checks, therefore it deserves a discussion all its own. It NEVER works, yet people constantly throw it and hope for the best. The check is most often thrown by short stick defenders. It requires the defending player to turn his back to the guy he is defending while simultaneously throwing a one arm backhanded check blindly at the guy carrying the ball. The end result most often involves the defenders stick flying out of his hands, the offensive player scoring and high pitched screams coming from the coaches on the sideline as the offending player exits the field. A successful Rusty Gate can be seen around the midway mark of the below video.

When a player has the ball and he is running down the field with the ball in his possession you will notice he is constantly twisting his wrists back and forth causing his stick (or "cross") to "cradle" the ball. We call that cradling. That's pretty much that.

Cradle of Lacrosse
This refers to the area of the country that produces the best lacrosse players. Most agree that the actual cradle of lacrosse is Northern New York (Jefferson and St. Lawrence Counties). Though you will get arguments from the midget lax diehards of West Genny from the greater Syracuse area, the sleeveless hairlips of Strong Island, the greasy long-hairs of Baltimore and some pop-collared dickheads from Fairfield County. Don't let them try and fool you with facts, stats or "evidence:" it's NNY. End of convo.

This term refers to the chicks who hang out with the one guy on your team who has a girlfriend. They show up to all the games, drink beer at all the parties, wear skimpy clothing, flirt with all the members of the team and then never hook up with any of the players. Everyone else on campus thinks they are complete whores and that the lacrosse team scores a ton of ass, but it's not the case. Or it's at least not true that the lacrosse players are banging the lacrossestitutes. You will see many of these girls in the stands and at the tailgates. Steer clear. You can identify them because they know the names of the players' parents and are likely sitting with them at the game or pilfering drinks at the team's tailgate.

Dude, Brah, Broseph
This is how wealthy white kids with lacrosse sticks refer to eachother. Each will be preceded or followed by the word "sweet" or "sick."

Baltimore Hair
Also known as a "Schvelby" or "Business Party." This refers to relatively short hair on top with some serious trash coming out the back. Usually this hair is a bit curly and curls up in the back just outside the coverage of the helmet. You will see plenty of this greasing out of the back of the Delaware helmets. Those guys are dirtbags.

Baltimore After 7pm
No place you want to find yourself unless you're not fond of your wallet, anal virginity or kidney.

Ten Man Ride
I should probably start by mentioning that there are 10 players on a lacrosse field. Generally the goalie stays in his crease but in certain instances when you either have an athletic goalie (like myself), or you need to press because you're down a few in a tight game, you'll let your goalie loose when the defense gets the ball and allow your goalie to run around like an asshole and chase players down as well. Most times this results in a Gilman by some dickhead with Baltimore Hair and the guy the goalie was covering will get the ball while the unathletic goalie chases him from behind and back checks the shit out him in a fruitless effort to free the ball (see, you're gettin the hang of it).

Yard Sale
This occurs when a player on one team throws an ill-advised pass (or "hospital pass") to another player and gets planted by a defender. The hit usually results in a loss of equipment by the player receiving the hit with a glove in one place, a stick on the sideline and a genital (is it legal to use "genital" in the singular?)on the restraining line. The visionary effect of this result is similar to what it would look like to drive by a yard sale in Carthage, New York. Except there would be multiple genitals for sale. I have no idea what that is supposed to mean. Moving on....

Lacrosse Heritage
You'll likely learn that the sport of lacrosse was created by Native Americans. The broadcasters will feign reverence for this fun fact and possibly mention that there are a couple awards named in reference to Native American heritage. They will then discuss the importance of the relationship between the sport of lacrosse and the Native American community. That's something called "lip service." Quint Kessenich could give a fuck about Native Americans. You can ask him when the camera is off. He'll tell ya. Little leprechaun prick.

Air Gait
This was a move created by two Canadians, Paul & Gary Gait, the "Gait Brothers," who brought the sport of lacrosse into the 90's and made it so widely popular that ESPN broadcasts 3 games a year on its top 2 channels every year. The move starts with a player starting behind the goal, running towards the back of the crease, leaping like a cheetah or some sort of animal you'd find on the African plains that can jump really far and high, and finishes with the diving player stuffing the ball into the net while the defenseless goalie flails away at the ball. The move was copied by every lacrosse player to pick up a stick in the 90's only to be banned by a new rule that does not allow a goal if the player who scores ends up in the crease. Good way to kill the most popular move in lacrosse history. It would be like outlawing the dunk. Video footage can be seen below (old school style) and the Air Gait is shown at the 27 second mark (4:10 mark if your video counts down as opposed to up).

The Move of The Future
This move is a little more complicated and a little more difficult to describe. It requires a little more advanced knowledge of the game to even understand what the hell I'm talking about. You've made it this far so I'm trusting that you can follow me through this, plus a modified "Move of The Future" makes an appearance at around the 4:12 mark in the video below. Essentially, a player starts at a defender, jabs steps one way, bringing his stick in front of him in an overhand and circular motion and at the same time spins the opposite direction of the jab step, clearing himself of the defender. It never works and usually results in a helicopter or early slide yard sale because the offensive player attempting the move has his back turned as he moves directly towards the goal and towards about half a dozen other defenders who are ready to fertilize the soil with his spleen. When it works, it is fantastic. Shorts are creamed. As cool a move as it is, a move of the future will not in any way impact that player's ability to hook up with a lacrossetitute.

It stands for "behind the back" or when a player throws a pass or shot behind his back or head. The shot does serve some utility in a similar fashion to a behind the back pass or dribble in basketball, but much like those moves the BTB in Lax is used far too often by assholes who just want to look fancy and are usually compensating for erectile dysfunction. As you may have guessed, guys that utilize this shot and fail likely played their high school ball at Gilman, usually get burned on the ten man ride and have been kicking Baltimore Hair since birth.

So there you have it. If you know those terms you can watch this weekend's lacrosse final four with a little more confidence than you would have without the information. I hope you enjoy and please let me know if you feel like I missed any key terms.

For Jason Giambi It Is Lawsuit Time, Baby

This leak about Giambi testing positive for amphetamines may be the best thing to ever happen to him.

Clearly I'm not a huge fan of the Yankees and I think their front office has done some stupid things in recent years, but this Giambi amphetamine leak is perhaps their dumbest move ever. Jason Giambi should sue the absolute shit out of the Yankees, the MLB and whatever organization is responsible for testing the players. If Roger Goodell was pissed about the leak of the marijuana admissions before the draft (a first time admission about a substance with no discernable affect by players who never really said when they did it, so it seemingly would have a far lesser affect on their value in the draft), Bud Selig should be fucking APESHIT about this information getting out when the Players only agreed to it BECAUSE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CONFIDENTIAL. We'll probably never know who leaked it, but there is only one party in this that benefits in ANY CONCEIVABLE WAY: The New York Yankees. The act does not void his contract so it doesn't benefit them there, but the information does devalue Jason to the point where they can be excused for trading him to the Angels or Mariners for a bag of donuts and a handjob. PLUS, because of this information, when Giambi hits the free market in the fall of 2009, his value will be decreased and whatever he signs for will be less than he would have had the information not been leaked. The difference in value of that contract from what he could have earned had it not been leaked will at least be partly the fault of the party who leaked the information. It will be difficult to discern that specific value, but whatever it is, the leaking party will owe it to Jason Giambi for violating the terms of the Players' Agreement. That money that Jason loses will come out of the ass of George Steinbrenner. And why? BECAUSE HE COULDN'T RUN VERY FAST! (sorry, I couldn't help myself there. Lt. Weinberg is one of my favorites). Btw, Jas, if you're one of my loyal readers, shoot me an email and I'll file the suit myself. Nothing would make me happier than serving my first complaint on Bud and Big Stein.

Did Tito Diss Torre?

This picture makes me really uncomfortable on a lot of levels.

While the "controversy" surrounding last night's game was yet another questionable move by A-rod (a move no more cheap than leaning into a fastball to get plunked or running on the grass to first base to try and cause a bad throw), maybe people should have paid closer attention to what Tito Francona said regarding JD Drew's slump and his shot at Joe Torre.

Drew, who has been awful of late, has been the focus of much media scrutiny. Francona, always a defender of his guys, was asked by reporters if he intends to do anything to the lineup in an effort deal with JD's slump and responded that Drew's a streaky hitter and at some point in the not so distant future will go on a tear. Then, in an effort to defend his actions further, Francona quipped:
"If we don't panic and hit him eighth, we'll be the recipient of that"
Hmmmm.... who do we know that "panicked" when a streaky hitter went cold and subsequently dropped him to the 8th slot in an effort to take the pressure off of him and help him to perform. I feel like this happened before.... oh right, it was Joe Torre who dropped A-Rod to the 8th spot in last year's Detroit series and then got skewered by the media about it because it worked out so poorly.

I'm sure Tito didn't mean to insult Torre about dropping A-Rod to the 8th slot last year, but that was a not so subtle reminder of how poorly that move worked out and Tito should have known better.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Dear God Michael Kay Is An Idiot

I know bashing Michael Kay is not exactly as challenging as splitting the atom, but every once in awhile I just need to clear the air about him for my own sanity. It's cathartic. Anyhoo, during his radio show today, a show I normally enjoy, Kay continued to rip the Red Sox bullpen, saying that the reason this weakness of the sox (the bullpen) hasn't been exposed is because the Sox starters have gone so deep into games. He went on to say that they only have two guys in the bullpen who can do anything: Okajima and Papelbon (he went on to call JC Romero horrible despite the fact that he has 18 appearances and an ERA at 2.45). Well, he's half right, or at least a third right.... make that about a fifth right. The Sox starters have gone deep into games, he got that part right. The problem is that the bullpen is not a weakness. The Sox have 4 guys in the bullpen who have 14 or more appearances with ERAs under 3 (and two other guys with ERAs of 3.38 and 4.15 respectively). And unlike the Yanks, one of those guys, Kyle Snyder, can pitch longer than one inning. He's what is known as a "long man." Someone should send a fax to Brian Cashman explaining the position of long man and why it is sometimes helpful to have one. Plus, Tavarez is so versatile he could throw a couple innings in between starts and still make a start on the sixth or seventh day if the Sox have an extra off day. The Sox bullpen is put together very well. Pineiro is the most inconsistent of anyone in the bullpen and his ERA is a full run lower than Rivera's. So while the Sox bullpen is being used less than the Yanks', we're almost a third of the way through the season. I'm not sure we can fall back on the flukey start thing with them. I think it's fair to say that they are pretty good.

Speaking of the Yanks' bullpen overuse, the way Torre has used the bullpen is starting to effect the way the booth calls the game. About midway through the 5th inning, with the Sox carrying a 4-2 lead and having just given up a double, two walks and a run, and having thrown about 80 pitches, Kay started questioning Francona's decision to keep Tavarez in the game. He said, "Geez, Francona must have an awful lot of faith in Tavarez to keep him in." Mind you that Tavarez had given up 3 hits total over the entire game and the Sox have a little more than 100 games left to play. It's not a playoff series and wouldn't be even if the standings were tighter. Why would Francona pull Tavarez? IT WAS THE FIFTH FUCKING INNING, THEY WERE WINNING AND IT'S MAY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! Just because Torre panics and pulls his starters in the fourth of a one run game in April doesn't mean that that's what you're supposed to do. In fact, given how the Yanks are playing, couldn't you suggest that maybe Torre should leave a guy in and sacrifice him for the betterment of the team once in awhile. This game didn't mean shit to the Sox and didn't mean a whole lot more to the Yanks in the grand scheme of things. Suggesting that you pull your fifth starter in the fifth in a game you're winning is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. Come on Mikey, don't let Torre's idiocy rub off on you.

I Know It's Not that Funny About The Celts, But It's Kinda Funny

This was the headline on immediately following the draft selection:

BREAKING SPORTS NEWS: The Celtics were awarded the fifth pick in the NBA Draft. The lowest the Celtics could have slipped to in the NBA Lottery was the No. 5 spot.
That quote is the "Cellar Door" of sports headlines. I don't think you can craft a summary more simply stated that captures perfectly what happened last night. It captures the exact mood of the pick for those that don't know how the lottery works with the "were awarded" part but also makes clear just how bad of luck it was that they got that pick. Perfection. Honestly, Celts fans can't feel too badly for themselves. I mean, at least they'll get Spencer Hawes. He'll fit in perfectly with next year's lottery selection of Chase Buddinger.

Wow! Wallace Matthews is NOT a Fan of Tim Wakefield's Style of Play

Wally was not too keen on having to watch baseball after 10 O'clock last night.

If you read the NY Post as much as I try to, you've probably stumbled upon the Post's resident sports critic, Phil Mushnick. His schtick is acting like a crotchety old man who complains about EVERYTHING and yearns for the days of yore. In Mushnick's world we'd be shooting free throws underhand, everyone would talk like Walter Kronkite and gas would be a nickel. Think Joe Morgan with the ability to formulate a sentence. It is a painful read but he's good at it and it can be pretty funny. He gets a lot of attention for his comments but strangely his position has not been copied by the notoriously unoriginal NY sports media market (unless you consider the ombudsman of a similar ilk). Well I think Wallace (formerly "Wally") Matthews of New York Newsday is beginning to mow Mushnick's lawn.

In Newsday today, Matthews launches a bizarre and rather hostile rant at Tim Wakefield of all people in a style that could best be described as Mushnickian. Matthews doesn't just rip Wakefield, he makes him out to be one of the worst pitchers ever and basically makes him responsible for all that is wrong with baseball, literally:
"Wakefield may very well be the least entertaining player ever to appear in a major-league uniform....

There's nothing remotely entertaining about watching big-league hitters stand rock still in the box, waiting for the ball to make its interminable trip from Wakefield's hand to home plate, then rock back on their heels to swing for Westchester County. At that point, the game crosses over into the realm of beer-league softball....

At 40 years old, Wakefield might not be quite ready to retire, but it certainly is time to retire his reputation as a Yankees killer.... In October, he's done more for this franchise than Alex Rodriguez....

His knuckleball, or whatever you want to call it, is a bigger menace to the game than steroids, growth hormone or Clomid will ever be....

What I want to know is, how in the world has Wakefield been able to draw a major-league paycheck since 1992 with the kind of stuff you generally see at a family barbecue?

....So before you start to think that the Yankees, who have now won two straight, are back to normal, here's one bit of advice: Now, let's see them do it against a major-league pitcher.

....If the commissioner of baseball truly wants to get to the bottom of one of the great mysteries of his game, he can shelve the steroid investigation and start looking into how Tim Wakefield has managed to get away with his act for the past 15 years."
EZ there Wally. Couple things:
1. Wakefield was probably a top 5 Cy Young Candidate before his last two starts, had an ERA in the low 2's coming into the game and still has a lower ERA than any starter in the Yanks rotation outside of Pettitte.

2. In the 2003 postseason (the Aaron Boone year), he went 2-1 against the Yanks, with a 2.57 ERA and would've been the MVP of the series. The next year, he volunteered to take one for the team and hop in a blowout so as not to stress the bullpen. If I remember correctly, that worked out ok.

3. When was Wake labeled a "Yankees Killer"? Jeter hits like .800 off of him and A-Rod kills him. The broadcast started off last night by noting that the Yanks were 6-1 against him in their last 7 games.

4. Wakefield may throw a slow pitch, but his style is no slower than anyone elses. Wakefield's game is no slower than Schilling's or Tyle Clippard as he stomps around the mound for 5 minutes between pitches. You know what really slows up a game? When Torre makes 10 pitching changes before the 5th inning because he has completely lost his mind out there.

Lastly, did someone pee on your cheerios this morning? Where is all this angst coming from? This article was just confusing and angry. Leave the undserved scorn tossing to Mushnick. At least he picks people deserving of criticism.

(Picture above is not Wally Matthews)

This Chris Henry Situation Doesn't Make Any Sense

Enjoy pictures of Chris Henry like this one while you can, pretty soon they're gonna be as rare as the Narwhal.

So the Kenton County DA's office says Chris Henry failed a drug test and Henry's agent says he didn't. So which is it and how can there possibly be two different answers to a Yes/No question? Here's what I don't get about this Henry situation: Neither side has any incentive to lie about it. It's not like the truth is not easily available. The DA really can't lie about it. His job is kinda contingent on telling the truth (despite Mike Nifong's interpretation of the same job). And worst of all, the test results are available and public. It's not like he gains anything by coming out and saying that Henry tested positive. On the other side of the conversation, Henry's agent says he didn't fail and instead says that the first drug "field test" was innacurate (he compared the first test to a pregnancy test. The accuracy of which is about 97%) and the second test came up negative. He too doesn't really have any incentive to lie about it. He may fear that the Bengals will outright release Henry if this is true and may be trying to buy some time by publicly questioning the results, but that just seems highly unlikely. And now this mystery second test is with the state lab for further tests even though the DA's office doesn't acknowledge that the two tests came up with different results. So what the hell is actually going on? If the Kenton County DA's office screwed up this drug test--likely their most high profile drug test ever--what does it say about the rest of their operation there and how they're handling the overall Chris Henry situation? And more importantly, how exactly do they administer these drug field test? Do they come knock on Henry's door and make him pee on a testing device? Maybe Kentucky is just not good at handling these types of situations. Maybe they should just stick to what they're good at: creating overrated basketball programs and meth addictions.

Donyell is Not Steve Kerr

Do we kill Jordan if Kerr misses this shot?

First, you need to watch this clip all the way through. Kerr's speech at championship parade is frickin hysterical. He's a regular Sinbad; only Kerr's actually funny. I'll keep this short as the real NBA blogs are much better equipped to handle this discussion, but how can you possibly kill Lebby for passing it to Donyell for the wide open game winner last night? Lebby didn't get a single call going to the hole the entire night and there was NO WAY IN HELL he was going to get a call on that last play. He made the right pass to a guy who was 6-10 from three in the game that got them into the finals. Lebby was absolutely correct when he said it was a "game winning" play. But more importantly, when juxtaposed against Game 6 of the 1997 series, it is eery how similarly the two plays match except for the part where Kerr made his shot. And check out the words Kerr uses to describe how Jordan essentially made the play happen.
"When Phil drew up the play at the end," said Jordan, who had 39 points and 11 rebounds and was named Finals Most Valuable Player for the fifth time. "everybody in the gym, everybody on TV knew was coming to me. I looked at Steve and said, 'This is your chance,' because I knew Stockton is going to come over and help and I'm going to come to you. Tonight Steve Kerr earned his wings from my perspective."

Kerr, a shooting specialist, was giddy with excitement after clinching the title for Chicago. "He (Jordan) said, 'You be ready, Stockton is going to come off you.' I said, 'I'll be ready, I'll knock it down. He's so good that he draws so much attention. And his excellence gave me the chance to hit the game-winning shot in the NBA Finals. What a thrill. I owe him everything."
This is EXACTLY what Bronald did last night. Donyell just missed the shot. If he makes it, the tune we are singing about Lebby is night and day.

Monday, May 21, 2007

What Do Former Rock "god" Scott Stapp and The Jets' Justin Miller Have In Common Other Than Being Associated With A Group of Below Average Performers?

Jesus may kick ass but Scott Stapp kicks female ass.

Scott Stapp and Justin Miller had pretty solid weekends, if assaulting women is your idea of a good time. On Sunday, Stapp was arrested for allegedly hitting his wife, former Miss New York York Jaclyn Nesheiwat. Stapp has a history of getting his ass kicked by people so this story is not surprising considering he's probably just venting some pent up aggression on someone he has a 50/50 shot of beating up. Also, on Sunday in New York, the Jets' Justin Miller was arrested after he punched a woman in a nightclub. Allegedly, Miller, unlike Stapp, meant to hit some dude that this girl was with but missed when the guy ducked and hit the woman instead. Now Miller's behavior is bad and he will likely get suspended, but what about this chick's boyfriend? Shouldn't he suffer some repercussions for being a pussy? I know it's the heat of the moment and you don't want to get punched, but aren't you supposed to move in the way of a punch if it's going to hit your girlfriend rather than jump out of the way and let her get punched in the face by the jacked NFL player? If I'm Roger Goodell, I find some way to suspend that guy.

This Jason Giambi Situation is Infuriating on So Many Levels

If you think this guy is the enemy, you aren't paying close enough attention

Sometimes I really hate people. Jason Giambi's steroid 'admission' in USA Today has brought out my favorite of the sports media's many glaringly absurd coverage techniques: hypocrisy. I don't really want to spend too much time on this as I could write about it all day, but I do want to kinda bullet point the wrongness of what is going on with the coverage and reaction to his statements.

When Giambi "apologized" the first time, he got killed for not saying what he was sorry about. At that time, the criticism was that he was a coward for not explicitly coming out and saying he did it and it was wrong. So now, when he goes a little bit further, he gets killed by everyone for saying what he was supposed to say 2 years ago. And to top it all off, he could get suspended by MLB or possibly lose his contract because of it. So the media NOW says he's an idiot for saying anything. He can't win. I wish some friggin moron reporter who raked Giambi over the coals two years ago would have the guts to write an article that basically said, "Ohhhhhhhh, so that's why he couldn't say anything about what he meant in his apology in 2005. Sorry boot that, Jas."

2. Ummm, didn't we already know Giambi did steroids? Is this news?
I love how people are reacting to this like it's a big deal that Giambi did steroids. When I first heard about this story, I thought I was in the twilight zone or something. We already knew Giambi did steroids. Just like we know Bonds did (or does) anything that comes in a vial and can be injected into his ass. This is what got me so frustrated with the Schilling situation. Everyone condemns Bonds and Sheffield and Giambi for using steroids and disgracing the game, but then pretends like they are shocked when new information comes out. You can't sit on one side and say that the Bonds home run chase is the worst thing that has every happened to our planet in recordable history and then act surprised and disgusted when a player you already knew did steroids admits to doing steroids. Bud Selig has gone on record as saying he may not attend the record breaking home run game. He is likely not attending because of Bonds's steroids link. So if MLB knows about Giambi, Sheffield and Bonds's steroid use, why do they need to investigate Jason Giambi's comments? This should be the shortest investigation in history? I could run that investigation. You go up to Giambi, tell him that everything he says is off the record and he will be immune from any penalty because his offense happened before the most recent steroid rules and then ask him if he did steroids. When he says yes, your investigation is over. It's like finding out that Anderson Cooper is gay. Sweet. You just confirmed what everyone already knew.

3. Don't we want Giambi to apologize?
This is the last thing about this that upsets me, but Giambi is the ONLY one of the steroiders still playing who is willing to step up and tell people about it. Isn't that a good thing? Don't we want to encourage this type of behavior? I know we're all litigious and shit and want to limit liability and void contracts and cover your ass, but Giambi's frank talk on the subject should be cast as admirable if not heroic. Clearly he is aware of the potential consequences of saying anything on the matter. I mean, he's worth $100 million, he probably has a couple lawyers who have informed him of what he should and should not say about this. Giambi seems like he wants to just clear the air. It's killing him that he can't talk about this. Shouldn't we want him to? Shouldn't we let him? And shouldn't we be thankful that he's not a narcissistic prick who wants us to feel bad for the way he's being portrayed? And most of all, if we are killing Jason Giambi for speaking up, by that logic shouldn't we be praising Bonds for not opening his mouth? Giambi just wants to get it out in the open and move on. Isn't that why MLB launched the Mitchell investigation? Isn't that what everyone wants? I'd like to move on. So you know what, I'm gonna.

Fragile Fred Narrowlly Cheats Death and Still Has The Wherewithal To Insult Tom Coughlin

I can hear Fred's hamstring popping when I look at this picture

I'm getting the feeling that the "Final Destination" film series is loosely based on the life and times of The Fragile One. Fred Taylor's injury woes have been covered in detail and though none of them were life-threatening, they happened so frequently that it seemed as though something a little stranger than simple "bad luck" was going on. If you weren't convinced before, you may want to reconsider after Fred's recent trip to Africa. Fred was with Samari Rolle and Lito Sheppard on a tour of Africa when the door on the prop plane he was flying in broke open at around 6,000 feet, forcing an emergency landing attempt. I'm no aviation expert but even I know that when that happens, it's not good. Fred felt the same way, saying "I thought that was it," Taylor said Monday following the final day of Jacksonville's three-day minicamp. "I put my head down and started praying. The runway was about two miles away, but it seemed like it took 10 or 15 minutes to get there." Fortunately, as is clear by the fact that Fred is quoted after the fact, Fred and others survived the ordeal after a successful emergency landing. And best of all, the incident did little to sap him of his biting sense of humor and loathing of Tom Coughlin. In reflecting upon the incident, Fred noted, "it was the first time he felt like he was near death "'since I was playing for (coach Tom) Coughlin.'" It's ok to laugh about it now I guess, but I have the feeling destiny will get the last laugh.