On July 11th, ESPN Radio will be hosting its V Foundation Auction in which an item or experience is auctioned off every hour during their nationally syndicated radio programs for 24 straight hours. It's a very good cause and one that ESPN has championed for over a decade. It's hard to find fault with their efforts in this realm, but I think they kind of half-assed it this year in terms of the types of experiences they are offering up for bid.
I mean yeah it'd be great to hang out with Linda Cohn for a day to find out what gender bathroom she uses and sure I'd love to have lunch with "The Schwab" and see how they cryogenically unfreeze Skip Bayless on ESPN's "First Take," but is that the best they can do? This is the World Wide Leader and they employ some of most intriguing and divisive figures in sports. Where are afternoons with Berman or Stu Scott, or drinks with Stephen A. or Beano Cook?
Fortunately for ESPN, there's still time and I'm here to help. I've come up with a few ideas to help fill up the V Foundation coiffers:
See How Long Can You Spend With Skip Bayless Before Punching Him In The Throat
Opening Bid: You bid a dollar amount per minute
This is how this would work: You make a bid of say $10 / minute (you can bid whatever you want). The over/under is 60 minutes. For every minute over 60 you are able to sit in a room with Bayless without punching him in the throat, you get $10. If you punch him before the 60 minutes are up, you pay the per minute difference. So if you punch Skip Bayless in the throat at minute 3 and your bid $10 / minute, you'd owe $570. There is no limit to the amount of bidders or length of the contest. If ESPN were to propose this contest, they could raise enough money to cure Cancer by Labor Day.
Photography Lessons With Sean Salisbury
Opening Bid: $100
See how Salisbury got that amazing picture quality of Lil' Sean with just a camera phone.
Hang Out In John Anderson's Dressing Room For A Day
Opening Bid: $10,000
I know the price seems high but assuming the dressing rooms go in alphabetical order, Anderson's room shares a wall with Erin Andrews' dressing room.
Get A Tour of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory From Quint Kessenich
Opening Bid: $2000
Get an inside look at the mysterious chocolate factory from one of its most senior employees. See how Quint and the other Umpa-Lumpas tend to the chocolate river and candy gardens and come away with as much free candy as you could ever want.
Bathe Rick Majerus
Opening Bid: You get $10
Somebody has to do it.
Be The Guy Who Grabs Tim Kurkjian's Balls When He Speaks On Camera
Opening Bid: $50
You think Kurkjian really sounds like that? No way. He's got a fluffer who helps him sound him like a Peter Brady.
Original Copy of The Hank Goldberg - Chris McKendry Sex Tape
Opening Bid: $1200
I'd first like to fully disclaim any personal knowledge of such tape or any knowledge that such a tape exists, but I will say that there is some odd sexual chemistry between Hank (who Chris affectionately refers to as "The Hammer") and McKendry. I'd also say that The Hammer strikes me as the type to have multiple videos of himself and his conquests. There's no way a guy known as "The Hammer" hasn't added some ESPN talent to his resume. And Chris and he seem just a bit too cozy. This is a risky bid, but the potential payoff is great.
Wake Beano Cook From His 7 Month Nap
Opening Bid: $500
Be the one to wake Beano up after his seven month slumber and watch as confusion and anger reign supreme. You'll get years of comedy out of the this half hour affair.
Watch The Monday Night Opener With Joe Theisman
Opening Bid: $400
Be there as Joe throws PBR cans at Ron Jaworski's grill on the TV and raves about even the most mundane dump off pass to the flat.
Travel With Chris Connelly On One of His Heart-Wrenching Assignments And Assist Him With His Writing And Over-Inflective Speaking Style
Actually, this would really suck.
Wager On How Long Jaws Can Watch Game Tape of Peyton Manning Before Masturbating
Minimum bid: $500
Over/Under: 8 minutes
This one would just be fun. It's kinda like a 50/50 raffle and there really is no loser. The tiebreaker would be to predict the amount of time in seconds it takes before he unzips his pants. We'll get Herbstreit to time him.
Get A Hug From Harold
Starting Bid: $80 (Cost of the tab at Applebee's)
I know HR isn't employed by the WWL any longer but who wouldn't want to have dinner with former BBTN host Harold Reynolds and get up close and personal like a real production assistant. I could see this getting into the thousands, especially if they get a piece of the subsequent litigation.
Visit The Magic Eye 3D Picture Gallery With Stu Scott
Opening Bid: $1000
You'll laugh, you'll cry... you'll mostly laugh as you watch Stu Scott try and decipher the 3D pictures on the wall. Maybe he'll even bring along his boys Pookey and Ray Ray to help him out.
Spend Draft Day With Mel Kiper
Opening Bid: $2000
This is actually a really good idea. Could you imagine hanging out with Mel on his Super Bowl? It'd be like hanging out with a guy who chugged an entire bottle of Viagra. Wait, that may not be the best way to sell this one. In fact, forget I said that. Regardelss, it'd be pretty sweet.
Weekend With Berman in Montreal
Opening Bid: $5000
Spend a weekend with Boomer and learn from the master in a place where anything goes. The winning bid would include first class, roundtrip airfare and two nights of hotel stay for you and 4 buddies with Boomer. You'll be supplied with VIP access to all the local hotspots as well as the cell phone number of a gentleman known as "Crazy" in case you want things to really get weird (trust me, Crazy will not disappoint). Boomer will lead and you will follow on a weekend you'll never forget.
This list could be a lot longer (and a lot funnier) but suffice it to say that ESPN needs to get a little more creative because this Cancer thing ain't gonna cure itself.