"Who the heck is Bill Simmons?"

Red Sox broadcaster Jerry Remy (seen on the right with the sweet fro and pack of Marby Reds) did not appreciate The Sports Guy's unique brand of cutting and sarcastic "humor."
Red Sox broadcaster Jerry Remy rarely takes himself or any shots directed at him very seriously. But last night, when presented with Bill Simmons' sarcastic and "humorous" application for President of "Red Sox Nation"*, Remy took Simmons to task, and rightfully so.

As a little background, the deeply annoying group moniker for the fans that cheer for the Red Sox ("Red Sox Nation") has been usurped by the Sox organization and put to use as a money-maker. Today you can pay to become a "Red Sox Nation" member, receive a membership card and get special deals on Sox tickets, paraphernalia and other such nonsense. It's ridiculous, embarassing and a little bit insulting to be forced to associate with such an absurd marketing ploy, but I digress. What's important for the purposes of this post is that Remy was appointed "President" of "Red Sox Nation" by Boston Red Sox President/CEO Larry Lucchino. He's been giving tickets away, creating fan opportunities and generally promoting the Sox crap as much as he can. In an effort to further prove that Red Sox fans are insane, the Sox recently announced that there will be some kind of election for the next President of Red Sox Nation and the general population can submit applications as well as nominations for famous Red Sox fans to serve as the next president and Red Sox Nation will ultimately vote on those folks and decide. So that's the background and I apologize for its length.

Well, last night during the broadcast of the game, Remy had in his hand the application of one Bill Simmons. Simmons wrote a piece about why he should be elected President of Red Sox Nation (the text of which I can nowhere find) and Remy read it on air and pretty much called Simmons a dickhead*:

Jerry Remy: We’ve got all kinds of people coming out of the woodwork who want to be permanent president (of Red Sox Nation)… some of this stuff is unbelievable… these people have been writing in, we’ve had these candidates, and they’re writing in why they should be president… there’s one that really kind of irked me a little bit. Who the heck is Bill Simmons? The sports guy he calls himself. I briefly went through his ‘why he should be president’ thing… he’s always wanted to be a president… that’s No. 1, of something. He said ‘I’ve always wanted to be the president of something.

Remy: Right away he’s telling you he just wants to be a president of something, he doesn’t care what it is, anything. So be president of your trash can. OK?

And it gets worse. Second, ‘I think I can get free tickets out of this.’

At this point in the broadcast it's important to know that Remy is ripping up Simmons application on camera and Coco Crisp is at the plate...

Remy: And here’s the one that that bugs me. I’m not going to mention what he says about me, but he says … in other words, if he’s elected, you would never have to worry about his health. He would be able to serve out his tenure. In other words, he’s saying that physically …

Orsillo: You’re day-to-day and could die anytime?

Remy: ...That really ticked me off when I read that. He’s got a lot of foolish stuff on here that just makes no sense, so Bill Simmons, the sports guy, see this:

Remy: Buh-bye … what did Coco do?

Orsillo: He struck out.

So now Remy has seemed to calm down and Orsillo is trying not to crack up about the whole thing but all of the sudden Remy gets riled up about it again and won't let it go.

Remy: Okay. That’s enough for one night but I’m telling you, some of this stuff is unbelievable. This Simmons goes right to the trash. The sports guy he calls himself. He wants free tickets. And he’s ripping my health...

Orsillo: Yes. Obviously he has not seen you, because you’re in fantastic shape...

Remy: I don’t see him at the gym every morning. Plus I wouldn’t know him anyway if I saw him. So Simmons, your application has just been torn up and thrown in our official trash can here in the booth....

Remy: You know this in tongue in cheek, but this is for real. Don’t be writing in and saying you want to be president because I always wanted to be president of something. You want to be president of one of the greatest nations in the world, Red Sox Nation, you have to represent the people. He’s talking about getting free tickets... He’s ripping my health. I mean, c’mon. The sports guy. There’s a lot of sports guys out there, right?

I'd really like to get my hands on the application itself and can't seem to find it anywhere. I'd imagine that Simmons will speak to this as I'm sure he received about a million emails about it from Sully and Fitz. I'm not sure he'll get an email from Remdawg though:

Your campaign is officially over. Now he’ll rip… what does he write for again?

Yup, these aren't my readers.


*Full text of the conversation can be found at Boston Dirt Dogs and thanks to them for transcribing it. Something I was too lazy to do last night.