Thursday, March 22, 2007

Friday Feature: So what the F?

I figured I'd start a weekly feature because those are sweet, right? I'm going to take a look at things that were just f'n strange over the course of the week in sports. I may also take some shots at other far less relevant issues in pop culture that come to mind. In fact, I just wrote an entire post to this effect but somehow lost the whole frickin thing. Undaunted, I begin again. So here goes nothing:

1. Cowherd
What the F was the deal with Colin Cowherd's 4 hour rant on Tuesday (found here with ESPN Insider access, which I'm sure you have) about the cause of WWE wrestler Eddie Guerrero's death two years ago. A little backstory... After Guerrero's untimely death in 2005, Cowherd went on his radio show and said that Guerrero's death was due to steroids. No cause of death had been made public but Cowherd's assertion was that everyone in wrestling does them and it oftern leads to early death. The response from the "booger eaters" (Herd's nickname for wrestling fans who live in their parents' basement) that day was in the way of a flood of calls to the ESPN phone lines, all demanding Cowherd's head. They (the booger eaters) actually succeeded in shutting down the ESPN switchboard. Cowherd never apologized but ESPN itself put together an apology statement. Well fast forward to this week, the HGH probe implicated several wrestlers (including Guerrero) and the official cause of Guerrero's death was listed as heart failure due to an enlarged heart. One released report related many of the conditions leading to Guerrero's death as consistent with prescription and performance enhancing drug use. Well after the linkage of the wrestlers came out, Herd used his ENTIRE 4 hour show on Tuesday to say, in many, many words, "I was right, you were wrong." He sounded like a whiny 4 year-old. It was ridiculous radio and the worst part is that nobody other than he cares. The reason I like Cowherd is because of his bombast and ability to make fun of himself as well as his listeners. He took this WAY too seriously. It fucking sucked.

2. Fedoruk
What the F, Todd Fedoruk? You get your face broken by Derek Boogaard in October and then, though it wasn't necessarily your fault, you get sent to the hospital by Colton Orr on Wednesday night. Two fights, two hospital visits. Maybe fighting just ain't your thing, eh Toddy too hotty?

3. NHL Channel
Where the F can I find Versus or Oxygen or whatever the fuck the channel is that the NHL is on?

4. Gus, Billy, JB, Raftery
What the F is up with all the announcer critiques these days? I thought this was just Phil Mushnick's territory and occasionally Mike and The Mad Dog. Since when was it ok to make your subjective announcer feelings known to the world and try to play them off as some sort of objective standard. Different people like different shit, unless we're talking about Suzy Waldman, who is universally loathed.

5.Walt Clyde Frazier
Staying with the announcer critiques, how the F does Walt Clyde Frazier stay above the fray in all of this? He is perhaps the single worst announcer of all-time. He only occasionally points out anything other than the obvious and his only real contribution is his otherwordly performance with Keith Hernandez in the Just For Men Commercial. He is most widely recognized for his improper usage of words I learned in Sally Vrooman's SAT Prep Course featuring "Tooth and Nail: A Novel Approach to the SAT." He is absolutely ridiculous and it's about time someone called him out on it. It seems so easy. Is someone not telling me something here? I truly don't get it.

6. Everclear
What the F happened to the band Everclear? After releasing "Santa Monica," they had so much promise to lead a genre of music struggling for identity in the post-grunge era. Instead, they turned into a cross between Weird Al and The Offspring. Their devolution was one of the more bizarre wastes of talent in the last quarter century. It may have had something to do with the fact that they were perhaps the single worst live band I've ever seen, and I've seen Howard Jones, Tracy Bonham and the Goo Goo Dolls.... THREE FUCKING TIMES!

7. Stefani
Also, what the F is going on with Gwen Stefani's "Geisha Girl" phase? I never liked her, but this audible vomit that she produces has gotten seemingly more rank ever since she introduced the weird Asian women in every one of her videos. Could her music become more bubble gum. It's like she hit the "pop" backbeat rhythm button on her casio keyboard and started putting shitty lyrics to the beat. America should be ashamed.

8. American Cinema
Speaking of America being ashamed, what the F is going on with American cinema? How could Norbit and Wild Hogs pull in the most money in any weekend. I'm honestly concerned about the collective state of our nation's sense of humor or simply our collective sense in general. What the F, USA?

(Update: I'm without words for this update. The cinematic apocalypse is upon us. I will simply say this: think Wild Hogs + Norbit. Nothing yet? Well, here's some help, coming July 20th, John Travolta dons a fat suit for his role in Hairspray. This makes me physically ill.)

9. Cricket Fans
What the F, cricket fans? You murder your coach? Is a coach really that critical to a cricket match?

10. Cinema Again
Back to movies for a second, what the F is up with the racially charged swimming film "Pride." After this, can we officially call this storyline closed?

11. Josh McRoberts
What the F, Josh McRoberts? Are you seriously coming out in perhaps the deepest draft in a decade? Where do you see yourself fitting in? Let's go over your "attributes" for a second, shall we? 6'10", rail thin, athletic, white, Power Forward(?) with no discernable post-up game, no defensive skill and no range whatsoever. So let's see who you compare favorably with in the NBA: No one. Though that description does sum up every player in Russia, so good luck with that.

12. Shower Flatulence
Why the F does flatulence smell worse in the shower?

13. Memphis-A&M Refs
How in the F did 1 second come off the clock on that out of bounds play? It was almost instantaneous. It couldn't have been more costly. That was a huge fuck up AND was fucked up with the benefit of replay. Way to go, assholes.

14. Dane Bradshaw
What the F is the deal with my man-crush on U Tennessee's Dane Bradshaw? It's really disconcerting. I may get disinvited to Tony Dungy's rockin Easter party.

There you have it. That's this week's "what the F?" If any of you 4 have some what the F suggestions, feel free to email me at

Enjoy the weekend.

1 comment:

starkweather said...

Since no one on TV bothered to really look at the play or explain it, let me just say that 1.1 second could be the real time off the clock. The clock starts when it hit the Memphis guys hand, after which the ball hit inbounds and doesn't stop til it hits Calipari. And A&M should have just lost possession on principle for that horrid pass.

Where is the outrage for the Salukis losing a possession on a bad shot-clock call (the ball changed trajectory mid-air and the announcers reaction was "It's hard to see from that angle") and losing two points on a missed goal tend. What the F Kansas-So.Ill. officials?