Friday, March 9, 2007

Marketing Matches Made in Heaven

Should pairing these two really have taken this long?

Well of course Rachel Ray should represent Dunkin Donuts. I'm not sure if there's ever been a more perfect pairing between brand and spokesperson. Rachel Ray isn't fat, but she ain't thin. She carries a bit of a muffin top underneath her tight camo t-shirt and mom jeans, and that's ok. She's the exact body type that Dunkin' Donuts should be looking for. Clearly she's a donut eater, but she's not turning into Rosie because of it. In fact, most people who frequent DD's would KILL for Ray's physique. If there was some sort of Pulitzer for perfect marketing marriages, this would win hands down. The marriage got me thinking. Surely this common sense marketing marriage will produce some copycats. Since athletes are generally some of the most marketable people on the planet, we are certain to see some common sense marketing marriages between sports personalities and products. Here are some suggestions:

PacMan Jones & G.I. Junior's Rain Slicker

Most people have taken the wrong angle with the whole PacMan Jones situation. Sure his antics led to the multiple gunshot injuries and one man will likely never walk again because of him, but what people have failed to realize is that he brought the phrase "make it rain" into the forefront of media's vernacular. He should take that momentum and run with it, and the rain slicker is the perfect product. Let me set the scene for the commercial: Strippers dancing on a stage; man walks in and dumps a garbage bag full of money on stage and strippers "make it rain"; one stripper picks up money and stealthily hides it in her undergarments; men see this and jump on stage in a rage intending to attack the offending stripper; enter PacMan in full rain slicker; channeling Meathead from Meatballs 2, PacMan levitates the stripper off the stage to the blaring sounds of U2's "Elevation"; men flail wildly at levitating stripper as she is moved to the safety PacMan's awaiting Hummer; PacMan turns to Camera and winks. End scene. Tell me you wouldn't buy a rain slicker after that.

Tom Brady & Ritalin

The "royal we" over at they sometimes do--cleverly suggested that the reason Brady knocked up both his recent love interests was the result of him missing some health classes. A good guess, but there's no way the golden boy ever skipped a class. Instead, he probably just wasn't paying any attention because he was thinking about all the 17 year-old tale that he was lining up to plow underneath the bleachers after class. And if it ends up being true that Brady did in fact knock up Gisele, after receiving a hearty congratulations, he needs to capitalize on the exposure. First step, acknowledge that the problem is not his reckless sexual behavior but instead a learning disability that prevented him from soaking in the information about pregnancy prevention and the dangers of premarital sex.He was a hyperactive, distracted teenager who never learned the ropes of sexual protection and because of it he has knocked up two of the most beautiful women in the world. It could happen to anyone. All of this could have been prevented had he just been prescribed Ritalin as a kid. Don't let your kid grow up to be Tom Brady. Tell your doctor to prescribe Ritalin to your child before he too knocks up a supermodel.

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