What Do Charlie Sheen And Sean Salisbury Have In Common?

"Wild Thing! ... I see your penis when my phone rings!"
Before we get to Chaz Sheen, let's take a trip in the way back machine and revisit the Sean Salisbury crank-in-the-phone situation. In January, it was reported by The Big Lead that Sean Salisbury had snapped a picture of his crank (thereafter referred to as "lil Sean") with his cell phone and then showed it off to various ESPN employees and was eventually suspended for his behavior. If this is the first time you're hearing this story, well, you're welcome (though the big thanks goes to the gents at the Big Lead and Pro Football Talk).

And while you could just leave this story at its facts and be perfectly content, there is a greater lesson to be learned. And that is, taking a picture of your crank and sending it to people is never a good idea. I've never done it myself (honestly), but I know of AT LEAST half a dozen stories of people inadvertently sending a picture to the wrong person or sending it to someone but then learning that that someone has shown half the inhabitants of God's green earth. It just never turns out well. And if you don't believe me, ask Charlie Sheen.

If you haven't read the New York Post today, you should go out and pick it up. The quotes coming from the Sheen - Richards divorce are really priceless. Here are a few snippets:

"GO cry to your bald mom, you [fucking] loser," Charlie Sheen wrote to Denise Richards in an e-mail....

"You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go [fuck] yourself sad jobless pig," reads another.

"You are an evil piece of [shit]. I can't wait to tell the world what a piece of [shit] you are. You don't get a [fucking] dime till this is resolved," says a third e-mail.

Richards says in her court filing that she was particularly hurt by the one about her mother, who is undergoing chemotherapy treatments for cancer.

Oh man, Charlie. You're making fun of a cancer patient? That is pretty low even for you.

Oh but Chaz wasn't done there. According to Denise, he went "Sean Salisbury" on her ass:

Pictures of Sheen's "erect penis" that Richards says he used for his profile on sex sites are also included, which Richards claims he e-mailed to "approximately 30 women."

"I'd love to give it to you any time," Sheen wrote to one woman under the screen name "mrjonze55."

You'll need to excuse me for a minute. I have to change a couple screen names as well as a few fantasy team neams... Ok, I'm good. I mean, "mrjonze55"! Holy shit that is an awesome name. Even if it's completely untrue, it's really one of the greatest things I've ever heard. So subtle yet so--excuse the innuendo--in your face.

There's a ton more in this story including allegations that Chaz visited gay porn sites (possibly some with underage boys) and charges that Charlie said Denise's rampant breast feeding was going to make their kid "retarded," but what I really want everyone to take away from this story is that you should NEVER take a picture of your crank and send it to people or show it to someone. While I'm sure it seems like a good idea at the time, the potential negatives WAAAAAAY outweigh whatever positives you believe there to be.