Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Bootleg Copy Of The Sports Guy's 2007 Draft Diary

Coming at you straight from The Smittblog mansion!

Well this became a little less original in the wake of Ballhype's Simmons Draft Diary Drinking Game, but given that this is a wee bit different and I spent too much f'n time on it to abandon it, I'm posting this fucker no matter what. In case the title of the post didn't give away what's going on here, I'm giving you a taste of what Simmons will be offering up tomorrow night in his annual draft diary. Here goes:

7:30pm We're coming to you live from the unimproved Sports Guy Mansion! ESPN kicks off the coverage with a montage to the Doobie Brothers' "China Grove." Apparently in reference to Yi Jianlian, despite the fact that the song is about a town in Texas. The people that pick the songs for these intros are about as talented as the writers for Tyler Perry's "House of Payne."

7:32pm Our studio hosts from Madison Square Garden tonight: Dan Patrick, Stu Scott, Jay Bilas, Chad Ford, Tim Legler ("Legs"), Mike Tirico, Bill Walton, STEPHEN A. SMITH, Hubie Brown, Mark Jackson, Scottie Pippen, Magic Johnson, Kurt Rambis, Jon Barry & Michael Wilbon. What, Brad Nessler wasn't available?

7:34pm Text message from J-Bug: "What, Brad Nessler wasn't available?" Apparently J-Bug and I are the same person.

Joining me for the draft this year are J-Bug, Hench, my buddy Sal, my buddy Adam Corolla and my other buddy, Late Night Host and Famous Person Whose Show Gets Less Viewers Than My Columns, The Incomparable Jimmy Kimmel.



Me: Hey Jimmy, aren't you supposed to be hosting your show in a couple hours?
Jimmy: I'll get more press appearing in your column.
J-Bug: What, Brad Nessler couldn't cover for you.
Hench: What, Brad.... oh.

7:38pm Bilas tells us this is the best draft class in recent memory before being cut-off by Stephen A. who shouts "EVIDENTLY JAY, YOU'RE FORGETTING ABOUT THE IMMENSE TALENT IN THE 1996 DRAFT WITH THE LIKES OF STEPHON MARBURY, ALLEN IVERSON, RAY ALLEN & KOBE BRYANT JUST TO NAME A FEW!!!!" Jon Barry looks like he just swallowed his tongue. The NBA, it's FAN-TASTIC!

7:40pm STERN! The God of Professional Sport Leagues is looking dapper in his silky gray suit and smooth light blue shirt and gorgeous yellow tie. The cut of his pants really shows off his impressive buttocks while the color of his tie and shirt combo really brings out the character in his face. He is a striking looking man if ever I saw one. I'd like to grab a jar of Fluff, get in a bathtub with David, turn off the lights and.... Let's just move on.

7:42pm Quick shot to Portland war room. Kevin Pritchard looks like a guy at a strip club choosing between the smoking hot blonde chick or weathered 28 year-old latina cokewhore who looks like she'd be willing to hang out with you and your friends for the rest of the night if you promised her a hot meal and some cab fare. That doesn't really make sense... Am I thinking out loud again?

7:43pm The pick is in... it's Oden! Well, the basketball renaissance in Portland didn't last long. Enjoy Patrick Ewing for the next 6 years while your friends up the I-5 corridor get covered in so much championship bling on the shoulders of Durant that Liberace would be jealous... if he were still alive... and he gave a shit about basketball or sports.... or wasn't really old and knew what was going on. The NBA, it's FANTASTIC!

(This pick was so bad, my dog Dooze didn't even like it. As soon as Stern uttered the word Oden, Dooze went over and bit Kimmel right in the vagina. I should probably mention that I trained him to do that.)

7:44pm Seattle is literally sprinting to the podium right now. This must've been a tough call:

Stern: "With the first pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Portland Trailblazers select: Greg Oden, Center, Ohio St."
Seattle War Room: "HAAAAAAAA! THEY REALLY DID IT!!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE IDIOTS ACTUALLY DID IT"

I have to be honest, that "Seattle War Room" commentary may have been my internal monologue.

(Gimme a minute, I'm checking out house prices in the greater Seattle area. A four bedroom contemporary in Redmond, WA. Enough room for the Sports Gal, Dooze, Sal, Durant and all his boys. Someone get me on the line to the Sonics ticket office. I want to let them know that I'm in for 3 years until Durant flames out and then I'll badmouth your city and franchise for the next decade.)

Frank from Bellingham, WA, writes: "With the first pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Portland Trailblazers select: 10 years of dominant scoring threat down low, above-average-to-great defense in the post that will likely earn them a consistent playoff berths over the next couple of years and gives them instant legitimacy."

Wow Frank. Pretty much nailed that one. Maybe you should be the VP of Common Sense. Now wait second while I try and unjam this pen from my eye.

7:45pm Just got a call from my dad. "Isn't Durant the guy you like. Why didn't he go first." Followed by Corolla making a joke about Viagra, a giraffe and his aunt Trudy. Things have officially gotten out of hand.

7:45pm Hench deadpans, "I'll tell you who's the hottest. You're gonna think I'm crazy. Let me tell you. Gina."

7:46pm After the longest minute in recorded history, Seattle takes Durant and the Vegas City Council Members immediately change there flight plans from Seattle to Charlotte. With Seattle now a top 3 team in the history of the NBA and in no danger of moving, Charlotte's the next logical NBA franchise to relocate to Vegas. Convincing MJ to to move his team to Vegas will be about as tough as convincing Doc Rivers to make put out a different starting lineup every game.

Greg from Erie, Indiana writes: "Do you find it odd that none of the broadcasters have made any comments during the first two picks?"

(Fighting off 20,000 volts of current from the ESPN editors.)

7:47pm Hubie Brown wakes up long enough to get into an argument with Bilas about the relative value of Upside vs. Length while a mysterious crunching noise is heard from the direction of Stephen A. Dan Patrick interjects to smugly note that if they wanted to see the perfect combination of upside and length, they could join him in the John. Jon Barry looks like he just finished watching "The Blair With Project" for the first time and no one spoiled it for him beforehand.

7:48pm Legs speculates about Atlanta's pick or potential trade options by mentioning that while Horford has great awareness, skill, touch and basketball IQ, Mike Conley, Jr. has an Olympian for a father. Chad Ford makes his first appearance on the broadcast by offering that Conley reminds him of Tony Parker and because that's as close to a european player as you'll find in the top ten players, he gets Chad's nod. Shocker. Ford likes a european. Wake me up when Thierry Henry is selected.

7:50pm Shot of Billy Knight in the Atlanta war room. He looks like someone just asked him to explain the significance of the phrase "in a sort of Runic rhyme" in Poe's "The Bells."

7:51pm Atlanta's pick is in and it's Conley! Wow! First shocker of the night. Chad Ford just ran off the stage with what looked like a wet stain on the front of his pants. Bilas is touting Conley's "callability" or ability to draw fouls. Now he's just making stuff up. The camera pans to Walton who for once is speechless and looks like he was taken right out of central casting for the National Geographic Documentary: "The Disturbing Physical Effects of Marijuana: 40 years later."

J-Bug does his best Stephen A. impersonation but ends up sounding more like a cross George Costanza and Don Was. We may have to switch him to Coors N.A.

7:52pm Despite the fact that Horford seems like a no-brainer here, with Chris Wallace running the show, anything's possible. It would be a perfect irony for Memphis to grab Chris Wallace and then have him hand the Celts Horford. Chris Wallace's mistake could be the best move the Celts have made in 10 years. That would be ironic because while with the Celtics Wallace couldn't do anything right. So it would just be karmic justice for him to help the Celts once he left. Have I mentioned that Danny Ainge is horrible? Let's move on.

7:53pm Memphis takes Horford. I will now walk myself into oncoming traffic. Stephen A. says that Memphis is now an immediate playoff contender while Hubie praises Horford's footspeed and finger length. Jon Barry looks like he's searching for the emergency exits and waiting for the oxygen masks to fall from the overhead compartment.

Corolla just let out a smell that should be canned and used for military combat, leading to the Sports Gal asking me if I would prefer weekend visitation or every other week for our daughter. I think she may actually be serious this time. Is anyone out there a GOOD divorce attorney?

7:54pm We get an inside look at the Celtics brain trust. Ainge just gave a thumbs up to the camera and it looks like they've made their pick. Congratulations all around. Bilas speculates that they're about to grab Brewer here or that they've made a deal. Ainge was apparently on the phone for some time. Stephen A. just chimed in by saying that his people think that the Celtics pulled off a deal for Jermaine O'Neal and kept Al Jefferson. I'd love to be a part of Stephen A.'s "people." Who do you think those people are? My guess is Scoop Jackson, Isiah, Jay-Z and Tyler Perry.

7:54pm Stern is heading to the podium and he doubles back to make sure he's got the details right. It's gotta be a trade. I'm giddy!

J-Bug just said that this trade wipes the slate clean. It's a new era. The Celtics are the new Patriots!

7:55pm..........

8:00pm.............

8:30pm.......................

Midnight.................................

(CNN News Reports: A drunken man was arrested at LAX at around 4am PST after he attempted to purchase a one way ticket to Boston while carrying four loaded weapons and a pen knife that the man had apparently jammed in his neck. Along with weapons charges, the unidentified man was charged with disorderly conduct and bribery after he attempted to get out of the arrest by bribing the officers with Clippers tickets, his dog Dooze, backstage passes to Jimmy Kimmel's show before it is canceled and a signed copy of a former bestselling sports book.)

(CNN Sports: ........5. Boston Celtics select F/C Yi JianLian............)

2 comments:

Jason said...

"Enjoy Patrick Ewing for the next 6 years while your friends up the I-5 corridor get covered in so much championship bling on the shoulders of Durant that Liberace would be jealous ..."

Well done, sir.

Jonathan said...

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