Florida Golfer Almost Becomes Chubbs Peterson

I was recently golfing down in near Miami at a course right off of Alligator Alley. The course was surrounded by a development that was separated from the course by what could best be described as a large moat. This moat harbored a ton of animals. We ran into everything from turtles, carp the size of Volkswagens, birds the size of bears, raccoons and other creatures that us city folk don't encounter every day. While no one warned us to beware the water due to alligators (nor were there any signs anywhere or anything that suggested we should be concerned about gators), every time we went near the water and so much as a blade of grass moved and made a noise we'd jump ten feet scared shitless that our leg was going to be bitten off by some 12 foot pre-historic leftover with teeth like razor blades. But while our overcautious behavior was kind of laughable and certainly worthy of mockery, I'd much prefer to be the guy screaming and running like a woman every time a bird chirped than be this guy:

A man who lost his ball in a golf course pond nearly lost a limb when a nearly 11-foot alligator latched on to his arm and pulled him in the water, authorities said.

Bruce Burger, 50, was trying to retrieve his ball Monday from a pond on the sixth hole at the Lake Venice Golf Club.

The alligator latched on to Burger's right forearm and pulled him in the pond, said Gary Morse, a spokesman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. Burger used his left arm to beat the reptile until it freed him.

It took seven Fish and Wildlife officers an hour to trap the one-eyed alligator, which measured 10 feet, 11 inches, Morse said.

The pond at the sixth hole has a "Beware of Alligator" sign.

"Unfortunately, that's part of Florida," course general manager Rod Parry said. "There's wildlife in these ponds."

As you can imagine, I have absolutely no sympathy for this asshole. If my ball goes into a water hazard that says "Beware of Alligator," not only do I not go and try and find my ball, I move onto the next hole and possibly the nineteenth hole and wait for my party. I don't care how expensive a golf ball is, I'll cut my losses before I get stuck with a wooden hand.

And speaking of Chubbs Peterson.... (see above)