Monday, July 30, 2007

Primetime vs. PacMan - Only On TNA Wrestling!*

What do you do when you get banned from the NFL for a year? You join a fledgling wrestling operation of course.

Predictably, PacMan is joining the "Total Non-Stop Action" (or "TNA." I give them a ton of credit for making that acronym work.) Wrestling League, according to a Nashville tv station. The release also states that while PacMan will technically be a part of the league, he will not wrestle and will not be a villain (which seems both redundant and oxymoronic, though I don't claim to really understand the inner workings and dramatic stylings of the TNA). Assuming that PacMan will eventually enter the ring (or at least play a sufficient role in the league to earn a moniker of some sort), the real question about PacMan is: What will his Wrestling handle be? Sadly, because he is late to the game, several prime names have already been taken, including Primetime (no, not that one), Dustin Rhodes (yes, that one), Scott Steiner (yes, that one), Tomko (no, not Brett Tomko), Brothers Devon, Ray & Runt (not actual brothers) and Shark Boy. With that in mind, here are a few suggestions for the PacMan's new character in the TNA wrestling league:

The Rain Man
In this role PacMan would summon his inner Dustin Hoffman and stumble around the ring and through interviews while feigning a autistic persona. But unlike Ray Babbitt, PacMan's splinter skills will not be remembering dates or counting toothpicks, it will be finishing moves. The Rain Man will be able to remember and execute every finishing move and/or catch phrase of his opponents. He will make comedic reference to his opponent's move and finish off his opponent in a highly ironic and humiliating way as his opponent has to fend off an opponent who is in essence himself.

PacMan & Ms. PacMan
This one would be easy for the PacMan. He would be playing the role of himself as PacMan Jones, disgraced NFL star, but he would also be donning a Norbit-style fatsuit as his alter-ego Ms. PacMan. Much like the early seasons of the Fox breakthrough comedy "Martin" where Martin Lawrence faced hilarious encounters with his over the top neighbor Sheneneh Jenkins, PacMan would be faced with similar encounters with a character called "Ms. PacMan" played by PacMan in a fatsuit. Ms. PacMan would end up not only becoming PacMan's comedic foil but will also become his nemesis in the ring and the feud will cause severe embarrassment to PacMan throughout his stint with TNA.

Samoa Joe
Oops, can't do it. Already taken.

Mr. Blacklund
This would be a play on wrestling "legend" and TNA Superstar Mr. Backlund. According to Mr. Backlund's bio (linked in previous sentence), "Mr. Backlund believes in high moral standards, healthy living and being a good American citizen. In 2000, representing the State of Connecticut, Backlund ran for Congress, standing for family values and supporting education." The bio continues, "Today, Mr. Backlund can be seen on Total Nonstop Action Wrestling as he attempts to teach the uneducated youth and the “plebians” about proper values and morals in today’s society." PacMan would serve as the "Ying" to Mr. Backlund's "Yang," teaching players bad values like how to beat strippers, shoot bouncers and pretty much act like complete derelicts. This would probably be the best role for PacMan in my view.

There are countless other possibilities (clearly), but I don't think this is necessarily a bad move for PacMan. Anything that allows him to act like a complete asshole and profit from it seems right up his alley. Plus, who wouldn't love watching Spike TV, hearing "I make it rain" come over the loudspeakers and here the announcer scream "Oh my God! That's Mr. Blacklund's music!" as the PacMan sauntered out onto the stage, toothpick in mouth in some type of pimp suit, raining fake $100's onto the crowd. The PacMan may have finally found his calling.

*As noted above, TNA's "Primetime" is not actually Deion Sanders. Which is a shame on a lot of levels.

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