Thursday, November 8, 2007

I Dropped Shaun Alexander And So Can You!

That's not steam rising from his head, it's friggin dust.

Like many of you, I hedged my entire season on the aged legs of one Shaun Edward Alexander. I took him with the 4th pick in my draft (after LT, S. Jackson and Addai. Gore & LJ were keepers in our modified keeper league) ahead of the likes of Peyton Manning, Willie Parker, Brian Westbrook and Reggie Bush just to name a few (not that I would ever have taken Reggie Bush because he is one of the most overrated athletes since Dan & Dave). And much like me, your stomach turned as you watched as Shaun rush for 25, 35, 47 and 32 yards over his last 4 games and punch in two total touchdowns THE ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR. He's averaging 3.3 yards/carry on the year and a disgraceful 2.4 over the course of the last 4 games. And now he might not play again this year. Your season is likely ruined (it's a testament to my prolific Fanta C Football acumen that I still have a shot at the playoffs. I am really good). You may as well start scouting college games for next years draft. The problem is that there are 8 weeks of football left (and 6-7 fantasy weeks left) and you can't stand looking at your No. 1 overall pick for another frickin second. So the question becomes: What do you do with him?

Well first of all, you can't start him. Even if he comes back and plays he is FAR too awful to put back in your lineup, even against shitty teams! So he's just gonna sit there, staring you in the face and laughing at you while he makes millions and submarines your cleverly named Fanta C team. It's just not right. Well, I figured out a way to stop Shaun Alexander right in his tracks: You drop him. I know it may seem crazy to drop your first round pick when he has neither a season ending injury nor has he technically lost his starting job, but trust me on this one, it's gonna feel really good. I did it and feel like I have a new lease on life. I know it sounds scary and it may hurt a little but if you follow my instructions and consult my FAQ's, it'll go fine and you'll sleep through the night without peeing the bed (in fact, you may nocturnally emit after reading this. I did).

Here's how it's done:
1. Open the box
2. Put your dick in that box!

Just kidding. I love pop culture humor.

Here's how it's really done:
1. Access your team
2. Click on your league's add/drop feature
3. Click on Shaun Alexander
4. Drop him to the waiver wire
5. Take your pants off (by this point at the very least you will be meaty)
6. Celebrate

See! Doesn't that feel good (and I'm not just talking about step 6)? It's like going to confession after giving that homeless guy a cup of coffee laced with ipecac. It just feels good to get it out there and move on. Sadly, there are those of you out there who didn't get to step 4. I'm not judging. I'm sure you have many questions about the intelligence of such a move considering, amongst other things, that Alexander will likely play again and there's not a whole lot of RB help out there. Well, I've thought long and hard about those questions and I have some answers that I think may help you out:

Q: But Luol, Shaun Alexander isn't really that hurt. He's still gonna get the ball when healthy enough to suit up, right?

SB: First, don't call me that. I hate that name. I know it's my "pen name" but it's stupid and if I hadn't used it this long, I'd change it (I still may at some point). Just refer to me as Smittblog or SB. Second, I'm going to answer your question by posing a question to you: When you watched Saved By The Bell, you were a HUGE AC Slater, right? I bet you were. Your favorite episode was when he broke out his dance moves at The Max (episode seen below). Am I getting warm here? And when you watch this episode, your dick moves. Is this too close to home? Well, there's your answer.

Q: Um, ok. But Smittblog, the Seahawks remaining schedule is atrocious. If Alexander gets back in the lineup, he'll have great matchups. Isn't it worth holding onto him just in case?

SB: Dude, you are such a pussy. I mean, you're really acting like a gayer version of Lance Bass. Drop the fucker for fuck's sake.

Q: That seems a little unnecessary but ok... If we get rid of Alexander, who are we supposed to replace him with. At this point, most decent backups are already off the board. Especially with LJ being hurt. Who takes his spot, smart ass?

SB: Fair question, Sally. Here's what I would suggest you do, take a long hot bath. Treat yourself. Really do it up. Bubbles, jacuzzi, candles, whatever gets you relaxed. And when you're done and really refreshed you can retuck your penis, slip on your blush, open your medicine cabinet and finish the rest of the bottle of estrogen you've been working on.

Q: Smittblog, you're being a complete dick. You're not even answering any of my questions...

SB: Ok, repeat that sentence for me except this time I'm going to pretend to cough throughout the sentence while insulting you. Go ahead.

Q: Umm, alriiight... I guess. Smittblog....
SB: aaaaahPussy!'re being....
SB: pllllpCocksmoker!
Q:...a complete dick. You're not even...
SB: ah ah ah ah...jizzguzzlingturdpirate!

Q: Ok, this is ridiculous. I've got one final question for you. I'd really appreciate an true answer. Mike Holmgren is a loyal Alexander guy. He's been hurt before and Holmgren still throws him in. He's even put him in around the goalline in games that were out of hand just to pad his stats. Why should we think that Alexander won't get similar treatment at the end of this year. I mean, he's bound to punch a couple in, right?

SB: Wrong. Here's why, I've begun a petition on behalf of all Shaun Alexander owners asking Mike Holmgren to sit Shaun Alexander for the rest of the year no matter how healthy he becomes or how competitive the team becomes so that we Fanta C Football team owners can move on with our lives. After reading the dozen or so signatures on this form, Holmgren is bound to comply with the petition.

So there you have it. If you're still not convinced, start from the top and read this again. If the below video makes your dick move, well, you're welcome.


JD said...

I just found this because it was linked to Deadspin. Where have you been all my life?

Jamie said...

two Shaun posts on the same day
coincidence, I think not.

Kid Keith said...

I was never a huge AC Slater.

Shorty said...

Couldn't agree more brotha!