Saturday, November 24, 2007

Verne Lundquist Is The Man Of My Dreams

This is the last thing I'll leave everyone with before I call it an all too necessary night.

I fell asleep on the couch during the LSU - Arkansas game (perhaps the best game since Boise St. - OU last year) and Verne Lundquist was calling the game. While asleep I had some weird ass dreams. One of those dreams involved Lundquist and man was it ever fucked.

As far as I can remember, I was out to dinner with some friends of mine and we stepped outside to grab a cigar (not generally a practice of mine). We looked down the street and Verne was outside grabbing a smoke. He was shitfaced and hanging with Jim Nantz (who I believe is talking with Gary Danielson's voice. I didn't say I could explain this dream rationally, just giving you the details) and about 5 other people talking about college football and dishing some funny stories. My friends and I meandered over to shoot the shit and Lundquist starts giving us shit about the quality of our cigars we were smoking. So we ask him if he can do better. Verne just looks at Nantz and starts laughing. He gets on the phone and in no time there's a Hummer limo that pulls up and Verne invites us in. Inside the limo is a hookah the size of a sewer piper and plasma screens lining the ceiling. Verne shows us how it's done. He lies down on the floor of the vehicle and starts taking a giant pull off the giant fucker like a champ. His mouth expanded like a fucking boa constrictor and he probably inhaled about 8 ozs of steam in one pull (I'm sure Verne was pulling straight North Carolina Tobacco...). It was unreal. We attempted to follow suit but had to use the secondary apparatus (think Half-Baked's Billy Bong Thornton) and our party of about 20 people are flying through NYC in a Hummer Limo high as kites watching LSU - Arkansas on a ceiling TV with Verne Lundquist giving play-by-play for every move we make (and also calling the game at the same time. If nothing else, Lundquist is a renaissance man). We had to pull over and let Verne out because he was being called out on some government business (if I remember correctly, there was a helicopter waiting for him). Things are a little blurry from that point on but I woke up in the middle of the 4th quarter of the actual LSU game with my mouth feeling like I'd been sucking on cotton balls and serious a hankering for Cheese Nips (I satisfied that hankering even though in real life I was sober as a church mouse).

Other than the game ,the rest of the day was a bizarre afternoon followed by an average night of mediocre television. If I ever do hang out with Verne or get a chance to meet him, I'll ask him about his magical peace pipe and his secret double life as a government agent. Or maybe I'll just hold out hope that Verne is half the party animal he was in my dreams. Because if that's the case, the man take me around in his ceiling TV limo any time (man that sounds gay...).


mrs. said...

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But you are a homosexual.

Jason said...

Oh my God! When time comes, I will arrive in black and huge Hummer
to the next party? Maybe only on my bachelor party! Or when I will be a superstar?