Thursday, March 29, 2007

BREAKING NEWS - Maradona hospitalized after finishing the Old 96er

Soccer great requires medical attention after gaining 8.8lbs, putting his total weight at 508.8lbs.

Well this is a weird one. ESPN.com reports this morning that former cokehead and sometimes soccer great Diego Maradona was rushed to the hospital apparently due to excessive eating and cigar smoking. Um, ok.... I guess? If those activities were so dangerous as to require immediate medical treatment, bachelor parties would be the leading cause of death in America. Me thinks something else is going on here. Just take a gander at some of the quotes from Diego's doctor:
Maradona's doctor, Alfredo Cahe, said early Thursday that the former soccer player "wasn't in any danger," but was about 8.8 pounds over his usual weight and had been taken to the private clinic "against his will; he didn't want to go."
"It wasn't an imbalance in his blood circulation or with his heart, but was a product of an incoherent regimen of excessive eating, drinking and smoking," Cahe told reporters in the doorway of the Guemes clinic.
What? So let me get this straight, nothing was wrong with him but he still required medical treatment to deal with his "incoherent regimen?" Does that mean that the problem was the order in which he partook of this regimen? Was it that he smoked his 50 cigars before he ate 18 happy meals and the left side of the Denny's breakfast menu?

Other reports quote a spokesperson for Maradona nipping in the bud the reasonable presupposition that Diego was hitting the Yay-o again, stating that the hospitalization was not drug related. Sure, that makes sense. A former drug addict with depression is rushed to the hospital because he took too literally the phrase "all you can eat" at the Buenos Aires Ground Round. Of course. Stay tuned....

1 comment:

TJ said...

Is this a Carlos Mencia bit? And if it is, who did he steal it from?