Thursday, March 29, 2007

Friday Feature: So what the F?

Another Friday and another taste of some semihumorous observations from the week that was. If that's your thing, take a look:

1. Daniel Snyder
What the F are you doing, Daniel Snyder? Are you seriously considering trading up for Jamarcus Russell? Haven't these fans been through enough with your antics (especially my buddy Brendo whose fantasy draft always includes whichever halfwit the Skins line up under center out of pure loyalty)? You've got Jason Campbell, a first round draft pick from 2005 who started the last 7 games for the disgustingly wretched Skins and composed himself fairly well. Not only did he perform well, 10 tds and 6 Ints over those 7 games, but he seemingly gained the confidence of his notoriously overcautious coach, Joe Gibbs. Now, the Skins need a ton of help. In fact, one of their major sources of pain resides in the D-Line area. And wouldn't you know it, this year's D-Line crop is fairly deep. You've got a couple starting D-Tackles up front in Branch and Okoye (a 19 year-old phenom who started high school at 2 and a half years old, played his first D1 game at 16 and could have gone to Harvard) and perhaps the deepest DE crop ever with Gaines Adams leading the way and Anderson and Carriker not far behind (when Florida's Jarvis Moss is listed as the 4th best DE in the draft, you know it's fairly deep). There are 10 DEs in the top 50 players in this year's draft. Yet, for some reason known only to him, DSnydes wants to meet with Russell and perhaps trade up to grab him. Go right the fuck ahead, idiot. Here's what it would likely take to get the pick prior to the draft (based partly on the Rivers-Manning deal) - 2007 1st Round, 2008 1st Round, 2007 3rd Round, 2007/2008 late rounder or a player. And we all remember how well that worked out for the G-men. A lifetime of Eli Manning's poor play and unintended comedy will never make up for giving up all those picks. I'll go to my grave claiming that Eli Manning is one of the worst quarterbacks in the league. My f'n grave! But the Skins comparison to SD in this potential deal doesn't stop there... Jason Campbell may not have been as highly regarded as Rivers coming into the league, but he's first roudner and he's been groomed EXACTLY the same way. He's got an old ball coach who has held him back for almost 2 years and utilizes a run-heavy offense known for being conservative in terms of downfield air attack. And now he's supposed to be getting the keys to the Jeep. They've got a solid TE and a good runner. What they don't have that San Diego does is tremendous defensive talent. They could get that this year in the first two rounds with ease. Take Okoye and work from there. That's enough about that. Let's just say that the Skins have been down this road before. They are not a player away and even if they were, that player NEEDS to be on the defensive side (if they don't take Okoye, Skins fans should boycott Tom Cruise).

(UPDATE: Just read KSK (I swear!) and the fine folks there beat me to the "Okoye needs to be a Skin" angle. Knowing that I don't have 1/100th their readership but that a few people may read both, I wanted to make sure it was known that I'm not trying to Mencia their material over there. Apparently I just agree that Snyder is nuts and Okoye should be a lock for them.)

2. Lebby (my nickname for Lebron James)
What the F, Lebby? You make this comment about Stephon Marbury's $15 shoes:

Before the game, James took a little shot at Marbury's $14.98 kicks, saying he couldn't imagine endorsing a sneaker that cheap.

"No, I don't think so," James said. "Me being with Nike, we hold our standards high."
really Lebby? You're going to rip a guy for producing affordable shoes that ANY kid on the street can wear and Starbury wears himself? That's a nice message from a guy who's building a 35,000sq. ft. home in lovely southern Cleveland. Starbury came back with a fairly clever statement of his own on the matter, "I'd rather own than be owned." I never side with Starbury on anything, but he's way in the right on this one. Lebby's gotta get his head out of his ass.

3. OJ Mayo
I'm working on a late weigh-in on the OJ Mayo situation (I have much to say and I'm sure you're on the edge of your collective seat), but what the F went on with the McDonald's All-American game OJ? You sucked. Don't get me wrong, I don't think this game sums up OJ Mayo in terms of his ability to be great, the kid can f'n play. I do think this is a sign of things to come with USC and the amount of chucking that will go on next year. And how about Jerryd Bayless DOMINATING him on defense. That kid OWNED Mayo in a game where OJ was was hellbent on getting to the rim and in the alternative, creating his shot. Bayless didn't give him an inch. To me, his show was much more impressive than Beasley's, though Beasley is a friggin stud. Lastly, I am REALLY looking forward to the Jonny Flynn era at 'Cuse. He is Scotty Reynolds light except he LOVES to dish.

4. Cingular
What the F is going on with the Cingular commercial from the "lost call" series. You know, the one where the girl is at her desk talking to her boss about the presentation she just completed? First, let me say that I love the commercial where the guy calls the girl he met at the bar the previous night. The conversation in that commercial is classic. And conversation in the commercial in question--the one where the girl is talking to her boss about being the "new sheriff in town"--is not in question. Funny conversation. But why the f are they both sitting at their desks and talking on their cell phones? Don't they have perfectly good land lines sitting right next to them? Do they have some weird phone service plan that makes it really expensive to make calls to extensions within your own company? Maybe the do need a new sheriff in town called a "consultant." Idiots.

5. Circuit City
How the F do you expect to get away with canning 3500 store employees in favor of new hires who you intend to pay a lower salary? Didn't Mr. Burns try this in a Simpson's episode only to be foiled by Lisa, Ralph and Sideshow Mel? If that episode is a harbinger of things to come, this is not going to end well.

6. Kevin Kernan & the New York Post
Were you f'n shitfaced when you made your baseball preview? This week, the Post put out its annual baseball preview spectacular and picked the defending champion St. Louis Cardinals to finish 5th (ahead of only the Astros) in the NL Central. FUCKING FIFTH! That's behind the Cincinnati Reds and PITTSBURGH FRICKIN PIRATES! I can't even think of anything to say I'm so stunned by the idiot who put this together (the aforemention Kernan). How is this guy gainfully employed? I really can't think of any justification for this. It is perhaps the least sensical prediction of all-time.

7. Iran
What the F, Iran? I'm a patient and peaceful man, but even I want to go over to your country and slap whatever leadership you have right in the scrotum. Can someone say coup?

8. Sanjaya - Joakim

What the F, parents of both of these guys? Is there any doubt that these two were separated at birth? If there is a higher power of any sort or if praying is worth anything, both of these guys will be crying on national television in the next 6 days. PLEASE! Though I must admit that I am really enjoying the email posts from angry American Idol lovers on If Sanjaya makes it past this week, I may make multiple votes in Sanjaya's favor the rest of the way just to see what will happen.

9. Radiohead
Why the F is it necessary for every music critic and every band member to universally recognize Radiohead's "Ok Computer" as the greatest rock album of our generation (and if you think I'm overstating it, just type in "'Ok Computer' greatest album ever" into google and see what you get)? Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy Radiohead and thought the album was pretty solid if not a bit strange, but I'm no rock critic. I just have never understood how music critics, who can never agree on anything, universally praise this effort. Why is that album anymore innovative, creative or a more impressive display of musical proficiency than the Rage albums of the era (that's the only band I could really think of on short notice. I'm not married to it so don't kill me for the choice, though I feel it is a fairly solid one. You could probably just insert any other good band who broke the mold in the 90's-00's like Creed, Nickelback, Limp Bizkit or Smashmouth... I kid, I kid....)? And why the F does everyone agree about this? I feel like the same people who love this album were praising "Catcher in the Rye" 50 years ago. That too is something that is very average (I actually hate the book) but is universally praised amongst the people responsible for deciding such things. These people need to be stopped. You want an album? Check out Extreme's "Three Sides To Every Story." It'll change your life.

10. Davis Cup
What the F is up with the Davis Cup? This may be the only time the Cup itself has ever been captured on film. It's like the Giant Squid of international sports competition trophies. When does the actual tournament start and when does it end? How long does it last? Is it like the Olympics, America's Cup, the Ryder Cup or Neptune's orbit (Fun Fact: Neptune completes its orbit around the Sun once every 164.8 years)? It seems like it is always going on and yet no one ever talks about it or cares who wins. U.S. participants perennially include Mardy Fish, a set of twins who play doubles (currently the Bryan brothers) and either Todd Martin or Richey Reneberg. I don't necessarily want clarification, I just want other people on the confusion bandwagon.

11. Headline writers
What the F, headline writers? With West Virginia Basketball coach John Beilein being courted by Michigan, how can the headline not be "Michigan Makes a Beilein for WVU Head Coach," or something to that effect. I'm really disappointed in you normally clever folks.

12. Mainstream Media
What the F, mainstream media? How did you miss the week's biggest story? I know this was a big week in the news with all the Anna Nicole Smith autopsy news, Karl Rove rapping, Nancy Pelosi blinking and Scott Weiland's wife being certifiably insane, but punting on this news items is inexcusable. This July 13-15th, in Pryor, Oklahoma, the greatest collection of has been 80's bands will meet in one location and absolutely blow the doors off. It's called Rock Fever Fest and if a three day music festival featuring the musical stylings of Poison, Warrant, Great White, Slaughter, Ratt, Firehouse, The Bullet Boys, and several others, doesn't get your blood flowing, you're welcome to move to Russia. They're looking for pulseless wastes of space like yourselves. And you, mainstream media, shame on you for not reporting this but instead focusing your attention on Pax, Shiloh and all the other members of the Jolie family band. Fortunately there are guys like me who spend way too much time writing shit like this to catch those pieces that may slip past the editorial teams. You can count your lucky stars folks.

That's all I got. Enjoy the weekend and hit me up at if you want to tell me how annoying you find me.

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