Simply Fantastic

This is courtesy of Break.com and is awfully good. The video itself would be good enough but the subtitles are pretty brilliant. I especially enjoyed "Now poop on them Oliver." Kudos to whoever took the time to set this up.

I Am Fuckin Smart

As if you didn't know.
This is gonna be fun.

Back in April I was listening to the old AM radio when Michael Kay came on and starting shooting his big fat mouth off about how he disagreed with all the pundits who were picking the Red Sox to win the AL East and the World Series. Kay argued that the Yanks were much better and went through a point-by-point analysis of just why he believed what he did. His speculation about both teams enraged me, so I wrote about it and shot off my own big fat mouthvia a blog post. Today, I get to re-review that post. And wouldn't you know it, through the art of selective review, I was right and Michael Kay was way the fuck wrong. I am delighted to present that recap to you today.

First, Kay started by suggesting that the Yankees lineup had no holes while the Sox were chalk full of them. Here's what I wrote:

1. Doug Mientkiewicz is not a hole in the yanks lineup
Kay went through the lineups and asked where the hole in the Yanks lineup. He compared it to a Red Sox lineup that apparently looks like the Bengals secondary (I'll address the Sox lineup holes later). He concluded that the Yanks have no holes in their lineup. Erroneous. Mientalphabet is perhaps the worst offensive first baseman in baseball. He didn't rank in the top 30 for any positive hitting statistic last year amongst first basemen. Over the last 3 years, he's hitting .230 against the AL East. I think everyone can agree that he's horrible.... The larger point is that Kay would have gained more credibility had he conceded that Mientalphabet is the hole and moved on. He didn't.

Pretty sweet, eh? Well, as it happened Dougles got hurt and only put together 166 ABs. Prior to the injury he was hitting a robust .226 and was a GLARING hole in the bottom of that lineup. After the injury, he put together a terrific September (hitting over .400) and ended the season with a .277 average but mostly in a platoon and late inning sub role. Doug went 0-6 in limited postseason play. I think it was safe to say that Doug was not a roaring success and was the largest hole in the lineup. I'm not taking a full victory there but I think I was more right.

Kay's second point was this: 2. The Red Sox lineup is full of holes, namely Crisp, Varitek & Pedroia
To that I said this:

Let me start by saying that I have no idea what to expect out of Tek or Crisp, so I'm not going to defend them. I'll say that I'm fine with Crisp playing crappy because I want to usher in the Jacoby Ellsbury experience as soon as possible. Tek is a whole 'nother ballgame. They don't need Tek to be great, they just need .250 and a .350 OBP, that's it (that'd be a miracle). But to knock Pedroia? Why? I'd circle Pedroia as a question mark for sure, but a hole? Kay supported this assertion by correctly noting Pedroia hit .200 in the majors last year. What he failed to mention is that it was over the course of 31 games and 89 ABs as the Sox nosedived out of playoff contention last year. I don't say that to make excuses for him, just to point it out (and maybe to offer some context).... Through his amateur and minor league career, Pedroia's never hit below .300 when given 100 or more ABs and he K's about half as many times as he draws walks. Don't get me wrong here, Pedroia has proven nothing and is a question mark for sure. His progress will go a long way towards determing the fate of the Sox this season. To argue he's a "hole" in the lineup in the number 9 slot and then say that Doug Mientkiewicz is not? Let's be reasonable.

I am going to stop and give myself a LARGE and LONG slow clap for these remarks. I mean, that was pure genius because EVERY SINGLE THING I SAID WORKED OUT AS I SUGGESTED. Coco played crappy, Jacoby was ushered in. And that looks like it will work out ok. All Tek needed to do was hit .250 and .350 OBP, Tek hits .255 with a .367 OBP and they win the world series. Pedroia hit .317 with 520 ABs and is likely to be the AL rookie of the year. Again, my point wasn't merely to predict how I thought these guys were going to do (though I did a fine job), but was to responde to the idea that these guys were "holes in the lineup" while the Yankees had no holes. I win.

This will be quick. Michael Kay said that Julio Lugo would have 35-40 errors this year. Here's what I wrote:

Kay said Julio Lugo could make 35-40 errors this season. Really? Is that even possible? It's been almost a decade since the last player had 35 errors. Julio Lugo is not a great defensive shorstop by any stretch of the imagination. He gets to a lot of balls but his throwing mechanics border on shameful. That being said, the most errors he's ever had in a season is 25. Over the 150+ games he'll play this year, he'll likely get close to that again... If he had just said that Lugo is a downgrade from Gold Glover Alex Gonzales, I'm on board 100%, but he was on a roll I guess.

Lugo had 19 errors.

Isn't this fun? It's fun for me.
Kay next stated that Johnny Damon would hit 30 home runs this year. I laughed. Now, Kay didn't know that Johnny's body would break down like Redskins secondary, but he should have (I did). Let's see what I said:

3. Johnny Damon will hit 30 home runs this year
When I first heard this I was shocked. 30? That's Giambi territory. I checked the stats and realized that Damon had hit 24 (I thought it was closer to 20) last year and was hurt most of it. So I guess I'm less shocked than I was initially. The fact remains that Damon's hit more than 20 home runs only twice in his career and he's not a 27 year-old 3-hole guy. He's a leadoff man who's turning 33 this year, misses ten games due to injuries every year and plays the other 150 hurt. I like Damon and love how hard he plays, but if he hits 30 home runs this year I'll walk down Broadway nude and dish out free reach arounds.

Let's just say my weekends have been reach around free. Damon hit 12 home runs in 141 games and looked every bit the 33 years he's walked this earth.

Kay was FAR from done. Here's where he went next:4. Yanks bullpen is light years better than the Sox. To which I responded:

With apologies to Brian Bruney and Jeff Karstens, how the F is the Yankees bullpen that much better than the Sox. I'm not blaming Kay solely for this one. Everyone is saying it, but then they aren't explaining why the Sox bullpen is so bad. The Sox have Brendan Donnelly, J.C. Romero, Okajima, Lopez, Pineiro and long-man Kyle Snyder, with Papelbon closing. Of course Mo is light years better than Papelbon, but how is the combo of Farnswoth, Proctor, Meyers, Vizcaino and whatever other scrub they go to next any better than what the Sox are throwing out there? Meyers is a one hitter guy and he can't get that one hitter out (Ortiz says hello). Kyle Snyder can pitch 5 innings out of the pen if necessary while Scott Proctor was so overused last year that while warming up for a game against the Orioles his arm actually flew into dead yankee alley, or whatever it's called back there. Let's reserve judgment on this one. Both the Yankees and Red Sox have bullpen question marks. Fair?

No need to really get into this, but I was right. Except for the part about Mo being light years better than Paps. But well, as we can see, people make mistakes.

Kay said Posada's production will not drop off. I actually said:

Kay may be right here.

We were both wrong. He was better. 50 points over his career average, 50 points over his OBP average and 50 points over his slugging percentage average. An absurd season.

Moving on, Kay noted:6. The problems with the Yanks rotation are overexaggeratedI laughed:

Holy shit. This one made me laugh out loud. Ok Michael, how would you characterize the Yanks rotation? Solid? Stable? How about Clusterfuck? So far, they lost their best starter for a month due to a hamstring injury (and that's if they don't panic and bring him back too soon when they fall into 3rd place going into May), they have two starters on the downside of their careers who are both coming into the season with significant injury concerns in Mussina and Pettitte, their uber-prospect looked shaken when he realized that you can't just throw a flat 97 mph fastball past a major leaguer and now he's not even the first pitcher they'd call up if necessary, and the last time they're opening day pitcher pitched in a major league game Brad and Jennifer were still married. I've got a question: What is positive about this staff? Name one thing. I'll even give you a minute... ready? I didn't think so. If the Sox lineup has holes, then the Yankees' rotation is a hole. One giant stinking septic tank of a hole.

Again, dead right. They started horrendously because of this staff and the team only put things together when they started killing the ball. Even after the staff got healthy and added Clemens they were in the bottom half of the league for starters ERA the rest of the way and lack of starting pitching (again) as the excuse for bowing out in the playoffs.

Kay came out of nowhere (literally nowhere because he used no facts) and finished with this gem:7. Schilling can't pitch late into games anymoreAgain, I REALLY laughed:

This one is comical. First, Schilling hasn't pitched fewer than 5 innings in any game he started since May of 2000. That's the longest such streak in the majors. Of his 31 starts last year, Schilling pitched 7 innings or more 17 times. Comparing that rate to some of the other horses from last year: Wang 19, Mussina 14, Bonderman 18, Sabathia 18; he doesn't look half bad. Is he the 9 innings and 130 pitch guy he was even 3 years ago? Nope. Is he still the guy who'll get you into the 8th and ninth inning with a lead and very few walks, most likely.

Now, "late into games" is a subjective standard, but using my standard above, he got through 7th inning in 11 of his 24 starts. A dropoff from his previous year but still not too shabby considering he missed a month with an injury and showed up to camp 30lbs overweight (Wang only went 7+ 12 times). The biggest thing for me here was that Kay made this claim despite the information I provided EXACTLY TO THE CONTRARY originally (not that he was relying on the information I provided). His claim was actually completely wrong.

Anyhoo, that's about all of that. I can't believe how much I cleaned house with that analysis and given that these days I'm so rarely right about much of anything, I needed to point out how right I was for my own ego. Lord knows I don't really want to get into some other predictions I made.

Between The Strange Signs And The Public Indigestion, Jacoby "The Unicorn" Ellsbury Had A Strange Day

At some point this week I'll get off the "all Sox all the time" business here, but I'm not quite over it yet. I didn't have a chance to properly express myself in 2004 (though I did get a quote about my grandmother into the "Win It For" book about the Sox). But for now, I'm still on the Sox kick. So it's because of this that I posted the above picture and I ask that you take a look at it and answer me this: Why is there a unicorn on that sign the girl in that photo is holding? I'd understand if it was a very small child holding it but to me that person looks like a teenager at least if not a full-fledged adult. Regardless, the unicorn doesn't make a ton of sense to me. Unless Ellsbury's nickname is going to be "The Unicorn." Which is something I think I can get behind. He's fast, magical and mysterious (maybe?). But let's move on because I think I'm beginning to cross that fine line between general rambling and rambling with homosexual undertones. I'm explaining why a 23 year-old guy resembles a unicorn. Might be time for me to take a timeout...

But to get back to the title of this post, the below photo strikes me as incredibly absurd. In July, Ellsbury was recovering from an injury in the minors and his name was being tossed around on Sox message boards, but other than that, he was pretty much unknown. Yesterday he is eating a Taco in front of a couple dozen reporters while hundreds of fans watch from outside. When a couple hundred people watch as you give yourself the beginning stages of diarrhea, that's when you know your life will never be the same.

Umm, Dude?

The idea of a "man-crush" is funny when you say it in jest, but when you craft a sign and hold it above your head... I don't know, maybe it's just me but it seems kinda gay.

Let's Take It Easy On The Sap, Stan Grossfeld

Maybe my eyes ain't so good, but this guy doesn't look like he's feeling like a "champion."
One of the harder things I've encountered in writing all this crap over the last 6-7 months is how to end a post. You always want to write something with bite or wit to cap off your incredibly insightful or hilarious post. It's often tough to capture the spirit of the entire post or write something that really offers that clever ending leaving people to say, "Man, that guy nailed it" (Mike Lupica, for all his failings, is the master of the final sentence dig). So I guess I can forgive Boston Globe writer Stan Grossfeld for writing this quote about the Red Sox triumphant return to Boston:

The team piled into buses. Police stopped traffic in the Ted Williams Tunnel and on the Southeast Expressway at 4:50 p.m. to let them pass. People climbed on cars on local streets and held up signs and cell phones. The turnout en route was less than it was in 2004 but the team got a standing ovation from some homeless souls on Melnea Cass Boulevard. On this day, they too were champions.

They were? That one may have missed the mark a little. Explain to me how those dudes are "champions." Is it because they sleep on the side of the road? I mean, these guys have probably never seen a Sox game on TV or even listened via radio. How are they in anyway impacted by the Sox victory. I'm not knocking homeless people, I read The Mole People, some of those people are doing better than some people with homes. In Santa Monica, the homeless are treated better than the homed! But "champions?" I'd wager to bet that the homeless dudes freezing their asses off on the side of the Melnea Cass Blvd felt less like champions than freezing people looking forward to their next meal (perfect example of an awfully weak closing sentence).

Oh Manny...

It's gonna be tough to spend the next 4 months without this big lug.
At this point I can find absolutely no reason for not having cameras and a microphone around Manny Ramirez at all times. Everything the guy does is just comical. According to the Globe's account of the Sox flight home (yes, there is a newspaper account of an uneventful 4 hour flight), Manny asked for and received a ride from a Massachusett's state trooper from the Tarmac to Fenway. Upon reaching the vehicle, and right on cue, this happened:

He (Manny) tried to open the back door, which is reserved for bad guys. A trooper moved in quickly. "No Manny, you can't go in the back," said the trooper, smiling and opening the front passenger door.

Manny is "that guy" on every sitcom ever that does ridiculous things and leaves the regular cast members shaking their heads and smiling. He's Richard Boner Stabone, Dauber Dybinksi, Woody and Ralph Wiggum all wrapped up in a mangled english speaking, dreadlocked, hitting machine.

And lastly, check out Manny's getup getting off that plane.

Go Team Gooooeww!

Every blog (via Awful Announcing) and their grandma is posting this clip but it's so good that I don't feel the least bit bad about coming late to the show. It's not everyday you see a homecoming queen cheerleader get trampled and then walk it off and finish the day (I especially enjoy the multiple replays in a row near the end of the clip. The guys in the editing room must've been absolutely losing their shit putting that together).

Um Bill, Was All Of That Really Necessary?

I didn't get a chance to watch the Pats game because I was forced to watch the Jets and Bill limp wrist it around the football field for 3 hours. Those two teams are really not very good. Dropped passes, missed tackles, missed assignment, bad coaching, you name it. The Jets blitzed corner Darrell Revis 10 times in a row (maybe more) before Jauron changed his protection package to pick him up. And even then his solution was to throw a TE screen to Rob Royal on the blitzing side (that'll learn em!). And sadly that was an improvement over what went on in London. Holy FUCK that game was painful. I have honestly never watched a worse played game than the Giants v. Dolphins. Cleo Lemon's performance by itself could fill an entire blooper reel for the next Sports Illustrated offer. Plaxico and Amani dropped half a dozen touchdown passes and Eli threw an 8 yard pass to a WIDE OPEN Toomer in the end zone through the fucking uprights. I know it was raining, but it has rained before. It's not like the players looked up in the sky in awe and were remarked, "My word! What is this beaded moisture falling from the heavens? Is it possible that it will affect my ability to grip the spheroid coming my way?" CATCH THE FUCKING BALL. The thing hit Plaxico in the pads about 4 times. He barely got a paw on it. God that was ugly...

Anyhoo, I was able to keep track of the progress of the game via CBS Sportsline's GameCenter (while also keeping track of how badly my fantasy team was getting it's ass kicked). After awaking from a nap, I flipped open my CPU and saw the score of the Pats - Skins match: a ridiculous 38-0, and the Pats had the ball. I giggled a little and watched as the interweb slowly tracked the progress of what I figured would be the Pats running out the clock as best they could. And then I saw this:

1-10-NE-49 (12:50) (Shotgun) T.Brady pass deep right to R.Moss pushed ob at WAS 16 for 35 yards (S.Springs)

I thought to myself, "well, that seems a little much." I looked again at the score just to make sure it wasn't like 38-20 or something and I am just blind as a bat and again, loud and clear it read:

Patriots 38 - Redskins 0

So up 38-0 in the 4th quarter on the 50 you're throwing a deep sideline pattern from the shotgun...? Really? Yeeesh.

Now the rest of it I can understand. The two 4th down plays in the 4th they went for, whatever. The alternative is to kick a field goal, which is almost guaranteed points (the second one would have been a 54 yarder, so maybe not "guaranteed" per se). At least the Pats gave the Skins a chance to get the ball back unscathed. But on that drive to start the 4th quarter, I'm not sure I see the need to setup in the shotgun and let the two best players on the planet throw sandlot sideline routes. The total length of the drive was 8 minutes, so the Pats were running the clock down to a degree but Brady threw the ball 8 times on that drive and it all just seemed so unnecessary. Just imagine if either guy had gotten hurt (a scenario that is becoming increasingly likely as the season rolls on and the Pats play teams with absolutely no hope and not a ton to lose). I think it's pretty clear that at 38-0 going into the 4th quarter that the Pats are men against girls out there. Why risk an injury for the sake of showing people just how good you are? It's a little over the top in my mind.

With all that being said, I'm in no way apologizing for the final score or for Belichick is doing. I hope he runs up the score on every fucking team out there. I don't think it disrespectful to the game or other teams or anything. There's a real easy way to gain the respect you feel is being stripped from you by getting your ass kicked or at least grab the Pats attention: PLAY WELL AND HARD AND STOP BEING INTIMIDATED. Don't fucking complain like a bitch, Godfrey (whoever the fuck he is). Take a cheap shot at someone. Don't try and injure anybody but maybe knock Brady down after a whistle or hit Moss a step out of bounds. They'll pull his ass in a heartbeat. But by complaining that the Pats are playing too hard and are scoring too much makes you look like a complete pussy. You have to understand that the Pats don't give a fuck about you. They are still settling the score from earlier this year. For a week the media hyped this taping scandal as if it exposed the Pats as being dependent on nefarious behavior for success. Ladainian Tomlinson was laughing at them (and then crying after the Pats beat the bag out of them). So the Pats want to show that those people are fucking idiots. And they're doing a damn good job. The Pats are pissing on people after straight jabbing them in the nuts for 3 hours. You really have two options after that. You can grow the balls to punch them back or cry about it afterwards and call it unfair and unsporting. Buck up or shut the fuck up. And honestly, I hope someone punches them in the next couple of weeks because I don't want to see Brady's knees taken by Channing Crowder in the 4th quarter of a meaningless week 16 game because Belichick wants to put up 100.

The Globe Wants You To Express Your Excitement For The Sox In Metered Verse

Not sure how to best congratulate the Sox for their World Series victory? Why don't you try writing a poem about it.
The world is a strange and beautiful place today. Winning the 2004 World Series was surreal and beyond belief. It really ranks right up there with the better moments of my life. This one was sweet because all year this team looked like the best team in baseball and they still won it. I feel a little more relieved this year than I did in 2004 because back then I didn't even know how to deal with it. I'm having a tough time gathering the words to properly put into perspective my mood on the subject. Fortunately, there are those who are not quite as tongue-tied.

The Boston Globe has asked elated Red Sox fans to post their poems and songs about the Sox on the Globe's website. And remarkably, some people are doing it and the results are predictably absurd:

He carried an urn
filled with infield grass
forged from melted spikes
hammered by southpaws yielding black fungos

He roamed, but unlike Romanian Gypsies or Jews
more migratory, a lone fowl
urged by the changing seasons
of waiver options
who came to perch on the chalk line
two hundred and twelve feet from Pesky’s pole
ninety feet from home

Replaced, but never last
first on base and first at bat
no photo op pin-up, proto lead off hitter
those aren’t boos you are hearing
"Youk! Youk! Youk!

There may not be tomes written about the 2007 Red Sox like the '04 team spawned, and the victory may not make death more peaceful, but some people are clearly moved.

You May Be Rooting Against The Sox Tonight, But You'd Be Hard-Pressed To Root Against The Kid On The Mound

Sometimes people get dealt a dose of reality. Jon Lester downed the whole fuckin bottle.
On August 23rd, 2006, Red Sox rookie lefty Jon Lester shook hands with his teammates in Anaheim after yet another imperfect victory. The 22 year-old kid was now 7-2 but was winning ugly with a ton of walks and a knack for getting into and out of bases loaded jams every time he stepped to the mound. He had the gift of guile. He'd shake off Red Sox hero and universally respected Jason Varitek to throw a 3-2 curve with the bases loaded in a one run game and nail it. While many questioned the kid's command, no one questioned his guts. Four days later Lester was scratched from his next start with a sore back and four days after that 22 year-old Jon Lester wasn't worrying about whether he'd make his next start, he was worrying about whether he'd make his next birthday. Jon Lester was diagnosed anaplastic large cell lymphoma. Those guts of Jon Lester would come in mighty handy.

Flash forward to Spring Training and Lester is running wind sprints and throwing long toss. There's now no traceable sign of the disease in the kid's body but he spent so much time treating it and recovering from it that he isn't in regular baseball shape (ironically, Curt Schilling showed up more out of shape than Lester and he entered the offseason as healthy as he'd been in years). Stories are written and ESPN is calling (Chris Connelly probably was probably nocturnally emitting all winter waiting for this story) and Lester shrugs it all off. He just wants to be treated like everyone else. He's not unaware of the gravity of the disease he conquered he just wants to be one of the guys. He's not looking for excuses and accolades, he's looking for a roster spot. To a man, the entire staff told him to slow down. He basically told them to go fuck themselves. When Tito Francona suggested that Lester take an extended Spring Training and that he'd probably start the year in the minors, Lester told Tito not to make any decisions about him until they broke for the regular season. He wanted the same shot as everyone else. While he ended up starting the season in the minors, Lester didn't get cheated out of a day. Some would have just been satisfied just to make it back to the mound, any mound. This kid wasn't satisfied until he was back in the majors. And when he did get back to the majors on July 23rd--less than one year after being diagnosed with lymphoma--he throws 6 innings of 5 hit ball giving up 2 runs and striking out 6 in a win over Cleveland. That's not a comeback, that's a come-all-the-way-back.

I've struggled with the idea of whether I'd be rooting for this guy so hard if he wasn't my guy or was on a team I hated. I can only speak for myself but all I can think of when of think of Lester's situation is myself in his place. 22 years-old and ripping through lineups in the majors with almost unlimited upside in a town that treats their baseball players like latter day Greek deities. Your entire life is comped and you are riding on frickin air. If there's a better life, I'd love you to tell me about it. And then a sore back becomes a life threatening disease and instead of receiving public pats on the back and shout-outs you're whispered about and eyes are averted. How do you come down from that high to deal so immediately and so viscerally with your own mortality? The hardest parts of dealing with your scariest private moment are now public consumption and it's impossible for people to treat you like a regular guy let alone the athlete they'd come to worship. For me, it's unimaginable. And to even have the balls to attempt a comeback after that sobering event is admirable. Some people would've just taken their money and packed it in and moved on. To have the physical ability to overcome those odds is remarkable in and of itself. And to step on the mound in a major league park and stare down superstars whose toughest offseason moments included whether to bang the blonde, the redhead or the two asians, and to rip through that lineup as if nothing happened is absurd. The mindset it takes to put that stuff behind you and focus and compete is something I find extremely compelling and worthy of praise. It's tough for me to find a reason not to root for the guy even if you can't root for his laundry.

So I guess I'm saying that I understand if you want the Rockies to comeback and shove this series right up the Sox ass. If the tables were turned I'd want that too. But maybe in a place you don't talk about at parties (I've been waiting 6 months to use that line) you will be pulling for the kid who was knocked off the top of the world and is being given the opportunity to climb back up.


(UPDATE: Jon pitched pretty well. His parents certainly approve.)

How Does Nikolay Davydenko Deal With Getting Fined For Giving Up? He Weeps.

I'd weep too if that was staring at me every time I looked in the mirror. Good gravy this guy is heinous looking.
The old saying that there's no such thing as bad publicity isn't really holding up when you're talking about Nikolay Davydenko. In the last couple of months, Davydenko has really made a name for himself with a couple of less than positive stories surfacing. First, there was the abnormal betting situation in a match earlier this year in which Davydenko pulled out of a match late due to injury and was questioned about match fixing. The link between the betting and Davydenko's late match gimp led to the most obvious fixed tennis match since Jerry threw his match to Milos. Then yesterday, after cruising through the first set of a match against the world's 102nd rated player 6-1, Davydenko threw the rest of the match so badly that he was warned during the match by the chair ump and then later fined by the ATP for purposely losing the match. This guy clearly has some side action going on here. I don't understand how the ATP can continue to let him play when he pulls shit like this. I also can't believe that this guy is so blatant about his throwing of matches that he has to be warned DURING THE MATCH that he's not fooling anyone. But what may be the best part of all of this is Davydenko's reaction. When confronted with the accusation of throwing the match, he wept:

"I double-faulted to lose a game in the third set and he gave me a warning saying I was trying to lose on purpose," Davydenko told reporters after the match.

"I was simply shocked to hear him say that. This is just outrageous. How does he know what I was trying to do? I was so upset with the whole thing I started crying."

Me thinks Nikolay may want take some time off and regroup. There are definitely some issues he needs to work through. He should start by treating his radiation poisoning.

The Bronx Is Counterfeiting

True dat.
Not satisfied with stealing some attention from the World Series and the Red Sox by dragging out there managerial search as if it's a matter of life and death, Yanks FANS are now stealing money from Sox fans by selling counterfeit World Series tickets in beantown:

Police arrested four New York residents last night before Game 1 and charged them with selling fake World Series tickets and scalping seats for $300 a pair, police and prosecutors said. One of the men -- Jamel Bennett, 31, of Bronx, N.Y. -- allegedly took a swing at officers who approached him and another man about selling bogus tickets at 7 p.m. near Boylston and Hereford streets.

Bennett pleaded not guilty today in Boston Municipal Court to charges of assault and battery on a police officer, resisting arrest, larceny over $250 (stemming from counterfeit tickets), a peddling violation (stemming from counterfeit tickets), occupying the street for resale of tickets, and possession of marijuana.

At the same time, officers also arrested Wendell Baker, 43, of Bronx, N.Y., who pleaded not guilty today to ticket resale by owner, occupying the street for resale of tickets, peddling without a license, and possession of marijuana. Both men were ordered held on $2,500 bail.

I especially enjoy the fact that both men were in possession of weed as well. I think it was Ghandi who once said that nothing goes together quite as well as counterfeiting and weed.

If Channing Crowder Is Any Indication, Maybe Miss South Carolina Was Onto Something, Such As

I'll take any excuse I can get to post this clip. Simply classic.
I grew up with maps. I was kind of a map dork as a kid. I had a puzzle of the United States with large wooden pieces that I took apart and put back together about one million times. I also carried an enormous Rand McNally U.S. road map in the backseat with me even if we were just going to the grocery store. Later I graduated to a book of world maps and poured over it until I got a gameboy and began dominating Ten Yard Fight. It's because of this history that I have very little patience for people who don't know shit about shit when it comes to geography. So Channing Crowder, I have no patience for you:

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” Crowder said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that.

“I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

Yikes. Maybe it's me but Crowder's comment about Italy and the boot reminds of the quote from The Program when Lattimer is giving Alvin Mack shit about not being able to read and Mack says, "I can read motherfucker. See this, it says 'Adidas.'" Then Lattimer comes back and says, "I taught him that." But that may not even be the dumbest thing said in this quote. A coincidental name? What exactly is the coincidence? Is the coincidence that there just happened to be a little town named London in the world as well as a man named London? I'm really not following. Also, there are black people in London. Don't you watch any of Guy Ritchie's films? In fact, one of Crowder's opponents, Osi Umenyiora, was born in London. Let's just say that it's a good thing Channing was never a contestant in a teen beauty pageant, or geography bee, or "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?", or spelling bee or the Price is Right for that matter. In fact it's a very good thing that Channing does not derive his income from a source that requires him to speak.

If Paul Byrd Is The Result Of HGH Use, Should We Even Care About Who Used It?

Paul Byrd is proof positive that HGH doesn't do shit for you.
In a couple months, George Mitchell is going to release his report on performance enhancers and baseball. Other than the fact there may be no Red Sox in the report because of George Mitchell's rampant bias (nother story, nother day), the most controversial part of the release will be the names of players within the report. We know so little about what and how the information was gathered that any implications of having your name associated with this report is far from damning and may ultimately be of no effect whatsoever. I mean, what did they find? Was the player seen with a needle in his ass or was a shipment of HGH sent to his home? If Kirk Radomski rats out someone, is that enough? How will those implicated be segregated in the report? Will there be an HGH section and a steroids section? What about "the cream" and "the clear?" What will those people fall under? It's my understanding that those treatments simply help you recover from injury more quickly. Will everyone just be labeled a cheater? These are important questions and at some point I'll address them in a lengthy post that you probably won't read. For now, what's important is that Paul Byrd took HGH. And he sucks. So doesn't this help invalidate the idea that anyone who takes this shit has a significant advantage over someone else? Isn't the fact that Paul Byrd was no better than anyone else while taking performance enhancing drugs a good thing for baseball?

Paul Byrd is a below-average Major League pitcher. I really like watching him pitch, but he really kinda sucks and always sort of has. He's crafty but his stuff just sucks. A report came out that he used HGH from 2002 - 2005 and though he says it was under doctor's care and Byrd claims he was treating a pituitary condition, no one is suggesting that this particular form of HGH was a detriment to his performance. I mean, though I'm no pharmacologist, kinesiologist or any ologist of any kind, I work under the assumption that the hormone itself has the same effect no matter what you are using it to treat. So Paul Byrd's body was benefitting from the positive effects HGH. And he still sucked. Now maybe you could argue that Paul Byrd wouldn't have been a Major League pitcher without the assistance of the HGH, that's fine. But if the uproar over performance enhancing drugs is that it makes below-average players more average, then maybe we've been wasting our time worrying about it. The real reason people are upset about performance enhancers is that they believe these drugs are creating false superstars. They're not worried about Paul Byrd or Alex Sanchez or Guillermo Mota, they're worried about the baseball playing Fatheads on their kids' walls. But if Paul Byrd is any indication, and I'd argue that he is, maybe HGH doesn't have anything more than a moderate effect on a person's performance. Now maybe it helped Byrd play another year or come back from Tommy John more quickly, but it hasn't increased the pace on his fastball and it doesn't give him movement on his curveball and I don't think Byrd's ugly mug or webbed feet (I have no idea if he has webbed feet) have grown any. So why are we so upset about it? I've NEVER seen any study showing that HGH helps people perform "better." In fact, there are a gazillion articles that suggest it doesn't do shit or at the very least that the effects are inconclusive (here are a couple good ones: here and here). And if it doesn't have a positive effect on performance but is just "bad" because baseball says so, then it should be treated separately from steroid abuse and should fall into the same category as weed and coke abuse. Those drugs aren't performance enhancers but are banned by MLB (and yes, I'm aware those drugs are illegal while some HGH use is not) and I'm guessing they won't make the Mitchell report.

Lastly, I'm not saying that I condone HGH abuse or steroid abuse (especially steroids) by athletes. Obviously someone is telling them that the use of those substances will have a positive effect on their play and the players know that baseball has banned the substances. Whatever banned substances they use should result in some kind of penalty. The difference is that steroids have been proven over and over again to have a marked impact on an athlete's ability to build muscle mass and recover from a workout while the evidence for the impact of HGH is less definitive. Steroids are also outrageously dangerous even under the treatment of a physician if taken orally or injected (the cream and the clear are a different story, I'm told). But I don't think it's fair to lump HGH usage into the same category without black letter evidence that it has a similar impact on a player's performance. It's confusing for a fan and is really disingenuous to throw both treatments into the category of "performance enhancers" without further explanation. Right now, there are a couple players accused of taking steroids: Giambi, Bonds, Palmeiro, Sosa and McGwire (amongst others I'm sure). Those guys looked and acted the part. When you think steroids and what it can do for a player, those guys are the result (allegedly).

The guy now under fire for taking HGH is Paul Byrd. He looks and acts like my UPS guy. Maybe Paul Byrd isn't the poster child for HGH use but he's someone we now know did use the drug. And if Paul Byrd is what happens when someone takes HGH, then I frankly don't give a fuck about whoever makes the HGH list from the Mitchell report.

Gregg Easterbrook Is Really Really.... REALLY Angry

After this week's TMQ, I'm not even rooting for the Pats because they are my team. I'm rooting for the Pats because I want to see Gregg Easterbrook's head explode when they win.
If you were to step outside and check the winds for any scent of residual angst left over from the Patriots videotaping scandal, you'd likely return having smelled nothing. I'd say about 99.9% of those angered by the situation have gotten over it. There's still that guy filing the class action suit against the Pats on behalf of the Jets fans--a guy who is soon to lose his license to practice law for filing frivolous lawsuits--but beyond him, it's kind of a dead story. That is unless you are ESPN.com's Gregg Easterbrook. According to Mr. Easterbrook, the Patriots cheating scandal story is not dead, it's just heating up. As the heat of the story rises, so does Gregg Easterbrook's blood pressure. And apparently Mr. Easterbrook's ability to deal with the Patriots in a rational manner is inversely proportional to his blood pressure level because his column in this week's Tuesday Morning QB is one of the most absurd pieces of textual tripe I've ever had the misfortune to lay my now weary eyes upon.

Easterbrook's central thesis of his column is that the Patriots are the spawn of Satan while the Colts are taking the EZ Pass line through the Pearly Gates (that's not an exaggeration. That is legitimately what he's saying). His reasoning, let's just say that bald speculation and irresponsible claims would be an improvement over some of the stuff he's using. Here's a taste:

Argument for the Indianapolis Colts as paladins who carry the banner of that which is beneficent: Sportsmanship, honesty, modesty, devotion to community, embrace of traditional small-town life, belief in higher power, even love of laughter.

"Love of laughter?" What the fuck does that mean? Do the Patriots not like laughing? I'm pretty sure they've laughed at the last 7 teams they've faced. And what the fuck does it mean to "embrace... traditional small-town life?" Is that code for Tony Dungy's hatred of gays? But there's so so much more:

The team's star, Peyton Manning, stands for love of family, constantly appearing in public with his brothers, father and mother. Manning is happily married and a major donor to a children's hospital.

This is a blatant shot at Brady and his out of wedlock kid. That's pretty classy, triple G Gregg. And to imply that the Colts donate to charities and that the Pats stiff them is just ridiculous. Junior Seau has one of the largest athlete sponsored charity foundations in the world. Tedy Bruschi is a speaker at about a foundation a day while Tom Brady is involved with about a dozen charities and has even lobbied Congress for additional funding for ONE Campaign for the eradication of world poverty. Cripes, even Lucifer himself (Belichick) represents and donates his time and money to more charities than I have time to write about. I'm not saying that the Pats donate more than the Colts do, but to even insert charity work into the argument is just stupid. Athletes work with charities all the time. To say the Colts donate to charities is not a point in their favor. Every team and player does.

And if that wasn't bad enough, here's what he's got to say about the Pats:

Argument for the New England Patriots as scoundrels in the service of that which is baleful: Dishonesty, cheating, arrogance, hubris, endless complaining even in success.... They run up the score to humiliate opponents -- more on that below -- thus mocking sportsmanship. Their coach snaps and snarls in public, seeming to feel contempt for the American public that has brought him wealth and celebrity. Belichick and the rest of the top of the Patriots' organization continue to refuse to answer questions about what was in the cheating tapes -- and generally, you refuse to answer questions if you have something to hide. The team has three Super Bowl triumphs, yet its players regularly whine about not being revered enough. The team's star, Tom Brady, is a smirking sybarite who dates actresses and supermodels but whose public charity appearances are infrequent. That constant smirk on Brady's face reminds one of Dick Cheney; people who smirk are fairly broadcasting the message, "I'm hiding something." The Patriots seem especially creepy at this point because we still don't know whether they have told the full truth about the cheating scandal -- or even whether they really have stopped cheating.

Let's take that last "point" first. If you know something we don't, G-Regg, lay it on me brother. But to baldy conject (that may be an improper usage of that word but I like it) that the Pats are still cheating is meritless. I understand the Pats don't deserve the benefit of the doubt with regards to cheating and if there were any legitimate accusations of such conduct they wouldn't get it. But to come out and speculate that the Pats may continue to cheat WITH NO EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER is fucking ludicrous. But getting to his other stuff: non-response equals lying... um, ok. What do you want them to say? According to the league, they did everything that was asked of them and nothing came of it. So is the league lying? Is the league complicit in this conspiracy to allow the Patriots to get an advantage over everyone else? Easterbrook, you are a fucking moron. I already went over the Brady charity thing, but the Brady - Dick Cheney comparison strikes me as so completely ridiculous that I can't even really deal with it. The argument, if you can call it that, is that because Tom Brady has a crooked smile when talking to the media, he is a lying cheat. I think it's fair to say that that supposition doesn't really deserve a response.

And lest you think that's it, he's got a lot more pent up rage oozing from his finger tips to his keyboard:

In the Good vs. Evil narrative of the Colts and Pats, running up the score is a telling factor: It reveals a team's sportsmanship or lack of same, and whether a team shows sportsmanship in public might offer insights into its character in private.... This is supposed to be impressive. But I think it's creepy, and New England's creepy on-field behavior is only underscoring the seediness of the Beli-Cheat scandal.

Excuse me, what was that? Now the fact that the Pats are killing other teams without the help of video assistance is evidence that the Pats in private are "creepy" off the field and "underscores the seediness" of the video scandal? How exactly? What is the relationship between the two? Is it that Pats are a group of bad people so everything they do has malicious intent. When Sammie Morris lowers his shoulder, is he trying to injure the defender? When Matt Light straight jabs the d-lineman in the solar plexus, is he trying to kill the guy? Gregg, I'm not following here. Because they taped another team--something other teams are rumored to have done--everything they do has malicious intent? Chill the fuck out, GE. We get it, you don't like the Pats. I can just imagine Gregg sitting at home with the Pats game on saying, "Kill him, kill him... KILL THAT PRETTY BOY CLEFFED CHIN FUCKER AND HIS CREEPY HOODED COACH! KILL THE FUCKERS GODDAMMIT!!!" If either Belichick or Brady wound up dead or knee-capped, there would be no investigation. They'd take Eaterbrook directly to the chair and I don't think he'd put up a fight.

I could spend all day parsing through this but it gets a little tiring. Easterbrook's irrational arguments and abuse of the word "creepy" are just not worth further review. He's clearly lost his f'n mind (apparently, others agree: here and here). But the last thing I want to say about the matter is that I understand that the Pats are the new Cowboys, Yankees, Duke and Notre Dame. I do not deny it and find myself to be insufferable in the matter. To be honest, it's a hard thing to come to grips with when your team just starts dominating a league and people start to hate you. Especially when your team (or sports region) has been historically associated with losing for so long. So while I don't apologize for coming off as a complete Pats homer, I do realize that people are going to find any reason they can to hate my team. I'm comfortable with that and will have to deal with it until Brady retires. All I ask is that the criticism be reasonable or rational. And if that's too much to ask from regular fans, I'd at least ask of it of the people who are paid to write about such things. Gregg Easterbrook's published poop on ESPN.com was a poorly formulated and borderline irresponsible (and that's gotta hurt coming from a underwear in the basement blogger not encumbered by your journalistic "ethics...") piece of shit that if a friend of mine sent to me to publish on my site I'd ask that he tone down the anger a bit and find a citation or two for his unsubstantiated conjecture regarding the Pats continued cheating before I posted it. And I make outrageous claims all the time! SETTLE DOWN GREGG. YOU'RE GONNA SEND YOURSELF TO AN EARLY GRAVE.