Monday, September 10, 2007

Questions We Wish They'd Ask

Here's a first installment of a questions we they'd ask NFL players / coaches during post-game interviews:

Andy Reid
Q: Have either JR Reed or Greg Lewis been in contact with your son in the last couple days? Because the only explanation I can come up with for those two muffed punts (especially Reed's) is that they were both jones'n for sweet Lady H.

Mike Tomlin
Q: Ok, I'll play along, you're not Omar Epps. So then you won't be able to tell about what to expect from the new season of House and how your role has evolved or if you and the others will be involved in a spin-off?

Norv Turner
Q: Is Norv really short for "Norval?"

Kellen Winslow
Q: If you are, as you previously suggested, "a motherfucking soldier," what country's army would best represent your team? Canada, Luxembourg or Haiti?

Jeff Garcia
Q: Really? Are you sure you're not even a little aroused when you put your hands on the center's ass? It's just that you look talk and act so, well, fancy...

Bill Belichick
Q: You're so surly yet middle-aged women are somehow attracted to you. Please stay away from my mom. (I guess that's not a question)

Joey Harrington
Q: Joey, assuming that you chose football as your vocation because it is what you are best at, aren't you afraid that you will also fail at the things you feel you are not as good at doing when football is over, which may be sooner than you originally anticipated?

Herm Edwards
Q: Herm, you're funny. Not in a slapstick Leslie Nielsen kind of way or prop comic Carrot Top kinda way or even an in-your-face-I-want-you-to-think-I'm-funny-even-though-I'm-one-of-the-unfunniest-people-on-the-face-of-the-earth kinda way like Carlos Mencia, you're more funny like Lou Holtz's lisp, Frank Beamer's goiter or Stu Scott's screwed up eye. You know, the kinda funny where people don't make fun of you to your face but are constantly mocking you behind your back kinda funny... So I guess my question to you is why are you so bad at coaching football?

Tony Romo
Q: Was it awkward when Al Michaels gave slipped his hotel room number into your pants on the way out of the stadium?

Osi Umenyiora
Are you the guy who keeps emailing me from Burkina Faso about how you just came into a ton of money when your rich uncle died and you need me to somehow launder it or something? If so, can you give me some more details? It sounds like a good deal but I couldn't really follow the part that went "the request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner, and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner".


matthew said...

you wouldn't want Belichick with your mom? you don't want the best coach ever as your daddy?

think that one over...

Luol Dang! said...

You obviously don't know how good a coach my dad is. He invented the half-back pass. No shit.