Thursday, April 5, 2007

Friday Feature: So what the F?

Another week, another couple paragraphs about weird shit:

1. Michael Kay
What the F, Michael Kay? You are going to call out Mets fans for being cocky after 3 dominating wins in the beginning of the year after YOU told those same fans that this team is not as good everyone thinks they are? And YOU Michael Kay are questioning the METS STAFF but you think the Yankees are going to run away with the AL East. You Michael Kay. Say hello to the kettle, pot.

2. Me
What the F, Smittblogg? Did you really need to react to the Rangers story the way you did? I mean, sure a Rangers player may have spit on a girl, but shouldn't your scorn be directed at the offending party rather than the team and the sport as a whole? What did versus ever do to you?

3. Lefty
What the F was with that freakin round, Phillip. A 40 on the front in a Major? I've shot a 40 on the front nine before.... from the tips! Not at Augusta, but then the most money I've ever made playing golf was $30 and a hot dog. You gotta get your shit together. I did enjoy your piece in ESPN the magazine about not regretting your choices at the Open last year, but you've got to pick your battles in these majors. When I watch you pull out your Driver on tight fairways when you're up two strokes I feel the same uncomfortable feeling I felt when Kevin was constantly screwing things up with Winnie on the Wonder Years. Your play is sometimes channel-changingly uncomfortable.

4. Arkansas
What the F, Arkansas basketball? This was originally going to be a "what the F" to Creighton head coach Dana Altman for accepting the job at Arkansas and turning around and renouncing the acceptance less than 24 hours later, but no sooner did Altman turn and run was it reported that two players from that same Arkansas basketball team tested positive for Marijuana. Not that good a week, or day fellas. Nolan Richardson and Todd Day must be rolling over in their graves. Oh, they're not dead? I meant their figurative graves. The place you go when you are no longer relevant or no one has mentioned your name in 40-50 years.

5. White Lion
Why the F does White Lion get pegged a hair band when clearly they were more progressive and much more lyrically and musically proficient than 99% of the bands of their perceived genre? White Lion never received the critical acclaim they deserved, and it's largely do to the fact that they were pegged by the critics a "hair band," a Kansas City Royals of musical genres (this is especially clever because the Royals were good in the 80's too. Think about it.). If you ever take the time to actually listen to their music, you'll realize that these guys could outplay Winger and Warrant in their sleep. Lyrically (and melodically) they are more Boston and Queensryche than Poison or Ratt. Vito Bratta's solo in the anthem "Little Fighter" ranks up there in the top 5 guitar solos of the last 3 decades. He has Eric Johnson-esque skill. I should probably calm down about this but I lose sleep over the lack of respect Vito, Mike Tramp and the crew received during their far too short careers.

6. Hanson
Speaking of underappreciated bands, what the F was Hanson doing on Deal or No Deal? What in the hell have these guys been up to for the last 5 years since they released "This time around" (easily their best effort and worthy of a "top 25 most played songs" on my IPod right next to "Little Fighter" and Was Not Was' classic, "Walk the Dinosaur"). Didn't the fat one die or something? Or was it the ugly one? And didn't the young one join the Canadian Mounted Police? I get these guys mixed up. They're more confusing than the Baldwin brothers.

7. Schilling
What the F was that, Curt? 4 Innings and your shortest start in a decade on opening day of a contract year when you're trying to prove you deserve an extension? Cripes, chubby. You gotta do better than that. Though I do give you credit for being brutally up front in your blogabout your pitching. That is a pretty solid read.

8. Selig
Who in the F is signed off on Bud Selig's $14.5 million salary for his "work" as commissioner of Baseball? Doesn't that seem a little out of whack for doing such a shitty job? The authors of Game of Shadows deserve a cut of that. What exactly has he done that was so great? The WBC? His efforts to contract two teams? The All-Star tie? $14.5 million seems a bit high.

9. Asante Samuel
Actually, this is more of a "go right the F ahead," Asante. Apparently, Asante Samuel is not pleased with the francise tag and wants to be traded. Since he has been tagged, if he is traded (which is very unlikely) the Pats get TWO first round draft picks. So I say, PLEASE start looking for somewhere else to go. I would give anything to get two number 1 picks for you. Here's the thing, Asante Samuel is a good Dback and is the best the Pats have, but that's not saying much. This summer I was in Mexico and I looked tall in comparison to the native folks there. Asante Samuel is me and the Mexicans are everyone else (save for maybe Ellis Hobbs) in the Pats defensive backfield. If he thinks he can get Dre Bly money or anywhere near it, God bless him. He's lucky the Pats gave him the franchise tag because there was no way he's making more per year than that. I will do whatever it takes to get that kind of value for Samuel. It's like a dream come true.

How the F can you have a mustache quiz and not include Lanny McDonald? I mean look at the cock broom on this guy! They made a frickin statuette featuring the mustache because it's so frickin legendary. The quiz in question features second-rate 'staches from the likes of Jeff Bridges, Ben Stiller and Cheech Marin. No Lanny? This is the type of mustache quiz you'd see in communist China. They are strategically leaving Lanny's 'stache out of the historical record and replacing it with Cheech Marin. I will not stand for it. Lanny will be heard and seen.

That's all I got. Have a great weekend (though I may eek out a post or two tomorrow) and hit me up at if you have any more Lanny McDonald pictures or pictures of Hakan P. Loob.

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